Quietly Dying
by sweeet-as-honey
Summary: Ethan struggles to come to term with his diagnosis, while Cal tries his hardest to support him. Meanwhile, Kate waits for 'Nibbles' to call her.
1. Chapter 1

_I did try not to start any more long stories, but then I had an idea. I hope you like it and I really hope it won't end up being insensitive. I hope I don't contradict anything in last week's episode. I'm usually careful about checking, but I don't know if I could watch the episode again. Not yet anyway._

* * *

Cal stared after Ethan, tears pooling in his eyes.

He couldn't believe it. Ethan. His baby brother.

He closed his eyes, for a moment unable to look at the lonely figure walking away from him.

"Why couldn't it have been me?" he whispered as the tears coursed down his cheeks. Then he threw his head back and repeated the words, screaming them up into the skies as though they might be able to help.

There was no sign Ethan had heard. He was still walking, his head lowered. As Cal watched, he took his glasses off and swiped at his face.

Cal looked down at his mum, still cradled in his arms. Safe and protected, as he now knew she'd tried to protect them.

At least she had been spared Ethan's suffering. Cal was grateful for that. It had been kind and selfless of Ethan to lie; to let her die happily in Cal's arms. Of course, it was possible she could have lived for longer, but Cal had somehow known, as he sat on the bench with Emilie in his arms, that he wouldn't be taking her to the hospice after all.

It was the end of a life with Emilie that had been far too short, but it had also been the end of her suffering.

And the beginning of Ethan's.

Cal gently kissed Emilie's cheek and laid her down on the bench where they'd been sitting. "I love you, Mum," he whispered. "I hope you don't know what we've just found out."

He looked at her for a moment longer, but although he wanted to stay with her, he knew there was nothing more he could do. He turned and ran down the pier. Ethan must have heard him, but he didn't turn. He just kept walking.

Cal caught up with him and wrapped his arms around him, holding Ethan's cold, tense body against his before slowly turning him around.

Cal gently wiped Ethan's tears away, though more tumbled down to replace him, wetting his fingers. Cal held Ethan's face in his hands and fought back his own tears. "I'm here, Ethan. I'm always going to be here. Whatever happens; whenever it happens, I'll be here and I'll look after you."

Ethan's eyes were unfocused. They usually were when he wasn't wearing his glasses, but Cal knew it was more than that.

Cal let his hands fall to Ethan's shoulders. He rubbed them gently and then pulled Ethan into his arms. Ethan didn't resist, but neither did he hug Cal back. His arms remained limp at his sides.

Cal knew they needed to go back. Emilie couldn't stay out here and Ethan had had a terrible shock. They both had. Although they had half-expected it, it had still shocked Cal to learn his brother had the gene and he couldn't imagine how much worse it would be for Ethan.

"Come on," Cal said softly. He put his arm around Ethan and they walked back towards Emilie. Ethan went with him unresistingly, the tears still pouring down his face. Cal wanted to stop and hold him, but there were arrangements to be made. Cal wasn't in any state to drive and he could hardly expect Ethan to do it.

Driving… he hadn't even thought about driving. Cal wondered for how long Ethan would be able to drive. There were so many things he did every day without thinking about it and they'd all be taken away from him.

Cal sniffled as got his phone out. The first person to come to mind was Charlie. Charlie would be angry with him for hijacking the ambulance and not taking Emilie to the hospice for the treatment she needed to make her last days comfortable, but he'd been like a father to Cal.

He called Charlie's number and waited, knowing he could be about to hear anger and disgust but realising it wouldn't matter very much. Nothing could be as bad as the news he'd heard today.

"I'm just phoning Charlie," Cal told Ethan. He wasn't expecting a reaction, but when he didn't get one, his heart found a new way to break.

"Cal." Charlie's voice was calm and kind. For some reason, that made Cal start sobbing.

"Charlie… Oh God, Charlie…"

"Is it Emilie?" asked Charlie gently.

"She's gone," sobbed Cal. "And Ethan… Ethan…"

"Cal, what is it?" Charlie's voice sharpened. "What's wrong with Ethan?"

But Cal wasn't listening to him. Ethan had turned to brother. The tears were still falling, but there was anger on his face. "No, Cal!" he whispered. "You won't tell him. You won't!"

Cal thought Charlie needed to know. Everyone had to know. Ethan would need all their support.

"It's my decision." Although Ethan's voice was so soft, there was no mistaking the determination. "You might be my carer one day, Cal, but you have no right to make decisions for me now."

He was right. Much as it hurt, Ethan was right. All he could do was honour his request.

"Cal?" said Charlie, his voice anxious. "Are you still there?"

Cal sniffed. "Ethan accepted Mum right at the end. He called her Mum and everything. He made sure her last hour or so was happy." The final word was almost lost in sobs.

The anger drained from Ethan's face, but he continued to cry.

"I'm sure that meant everything to your mum," said Charlie. "I am so sorry, Cal. Can you tell me where you are so we can come and find you?"

Cal named the beach. His voice was so unsteady, Charlie had to ask him to repeat it, but he got it the second time. They agreed that Charlie and Iain would come in a taxi and Iain would drive the ambulance home.

"We'll be there as soon as we can," promised Charlie. "If you want to talk, you've got my number. Stay together and stay warm. And remember that everyone at the ED is here for you."

* * *

Ethan's tears had finally stopped. He sat on the ground beside Emilie, his head resting on her shoulder. Cal had told him not to sit on the ground because it was cold, but Ethan hadn't seemed to hear.

Cal had no idea how long they'd been sitting there. Sometimes he cried; sometimes his eyes were dry. He didn't always know. All he could think about was Emilie and Ethan. He wished Emilie hadn't asked them to open the envelopes. Then he wished he'd never taken and sent off the samples. They would have to know eventually, of course, but not yet. They could have taken the time to mourn Emilie and found out later.

But whenever they'd found out, the result would have been the same. The shock would have been the same. Cal began to cry again as he dropped to his knees in front of Ethan and held him tightly. "I love you, Ethan. I love you."

Ethan made no reply. He was still, his eyes vacant. It was as though he didn't see Cal at all.

"You might not get the symptoms for years," said Cal tearfully. "And there's new research being done all the time. Maybe a cure will be found. Maybe you'll be able to have treatment and get better."

Ethan still said nothing.

"I'm not giving up on you: okay?" sobbed Cal. "And I'm never going to leave you, Never. I know I've been a rubbish big brother, but that's going to change. I'll look after you. I'll do everything I should have been doing for years. Whatever happens, I'll be here."

Ethan's head jerked upwards and his eyes were hot with fury. "No! I am still the same person!" His words were a hiss. "You will treat me exactly the same as you did before and I meant what I said. You will tell no-one, Caleb. No-one."

"It will have to go on your medical records," said Cal.

"IT WILL NOT!" Ethan pushed Cal away with a strength that surprised Cal. He lay on the floor, looking up at Ethan in alarm as he walked over to the railing.

"Ethan… no…. don't do it!" cried Cal. He got to his feet and caught Ethan around the waist. "I know it's horrible. I know you feel like there's nothing left for you, but that's not true. I'll do everything you can to make sure you get to do everything you've always wanted."

"A long and healthy life?" Ethan almost sneered the words.

"As long and as healthy as it can be," promised Cal through more tears.

Ethan lifted his hand. Cal just had time to see he was holding something before he dropped it into the sea.

"Oh God, Ethan… tell me those aren't the results."

"It was Kate's phone number," said Ethan harshly.

Cal should have been relieved, but he felt his heart twist and wrench inside him. "Oh, Ethan. You didn't have to do that. You can still phone her. You can go out with her. Marry her and have a daughter just like you told Mum. You can do all those things! You can have pre-implantation genetic diagnosis."

"Yes, and that would solve all my problems!" Ethan lifted his hand again and another piece of paper fell into the water. "And there go the results."

"Ethan…" Cal held him tightly. "Ethan, that's not going to make it go away. And they'll still have the records."

"I know," said Ethan bleakly. "It's never going to go away. It's going to keep coming and coming and get worse and worse and there's nothing I can do but let it happen."

"But I'll be there to help you," said Cal.

Ethan shook his head. "You don't get it, do you?"

"I'm trying to get it," said Cal. "I want to help you."

"But I don't want your help," said Ethan simply. "I don't want anyone's help." He pulled himself free of Cal's arms and went to sit back down beside Emilie. He rested his head on her shoulder and closed his eyes.

"Ethan, you can't shut this out," said Cal.

"But I can shut you out," said Ethan.


	2. Chapter 2

_Thank you for the incredible response to the first chapter! I hope you'll continue to read and enjoy the story. I'm going to try to update every other day so I'll have as much posted as possible before we find out what 'really' happens._

 **Gillian Kearney Fan** , shutting Cal out is definitely not a good idea! Let's hope he changes his mind soon. Thank you for your review.

 **X-Sammii-X** , the end of the episode was devastating! It was a sad storyline anyway, but the acting really was so brilliant and so moving. Thank you for your review.

 **Jynx999** , thank you for your review - I'm really happy you liked the first chapter. I hope you'll keep reading.

 **20BlueRoses** , your review was completely coherent and really lovely to read. Ethan definitely can keep control of his life and maybe he'll start to realise that over the course of the story. Thank you for your review.

 **Becs2202** , thank you for your review - it's so good to know I've written the brothers' feelings as you imagine them to be.

 **TheWiinterSoldier** , I think the last episode killed me too! I was so hoping they would both be clear, but I knew Ethan was lying. Thank you for your review and for your lovely comments - I really hope I can carry on portraying the emotions. It's not easy.

 **CBloom2** , thank you for your review. I've had lots of diagnoses but nothing like this, so it is just guesswork, but I hope it'll be okay. Ethan better had let in Cal soon. I want to write brotherly comfort scenes!

 **tracys dream** , thank you for your review. It is very sad about Ethan - but I'd have been equally sad if it was Cal.

 **Tanith Panic** , I don't think Ethan's chances with Kate are over either - the phone number might be gone, but fate can still bring them together. If I want it to. Thank you for your review. If there is a sadder episode than this, I haven't seen it!

 **LittleBritishPerson** , I think Ethan wants to turn his back on everything at the moment, but his emotions are likely to change a lot. Thank you for your review - I'm glad you like it so far.

 _Thank you to **Gingersnaps2507** , **X-Sammii-X** , **TVObsessedGirl28** , **TheWiinterSoldier** , **Lcasualty95** , **IssyDoodle** and **Future light** for the follows and favourites._

* * *

Kate shook her head in disbelief. "You're giving me a written warning? Because I helped a woman who was seriously ill?"

"No, Kate." Judy leaned over the desk, her eyes hard and her arms uncompromisingly folded. "It was unprofessional of you to abandon your post, particularly when the customer had two young men to help her. But that's not the problem."

"What is the problem?" asked Kate. Her voice trembled slightly. She didn't want to lose her job. She was only on a temporary contract, it was true, but Milly said she was doing well and everyone liked her and Judy would almost certainly keep her on. By the time Helen came back from maternity leave, they'd be looking for extra staff for the warmer months anyway. Although the job wasn't easy and her boss frankly terrifying. Kate loved the café.

"Stealing." The word was like ice.

"I didn't steal anything!" said Kate.

Judy pursed her lips. "I understand you put together a little package of 'survival rations' for the disabled customer and the two young men." Her eyes darkened with contempt. "More particularly for the two young men, I think."

"No!" said Kate, even though there was some truth in that. She'd felt sorry for the lady and also admired her because she'd borne everything so well – Kate knew she couldn't have stayed that calm if she was choking – but it was Nibbles who had drawn her attention particularly; Nibbles that she wanted to see again.

A picture of Nibbles flashed into Kate's mind. She didn't think she'd ever forget the way he'd looked at her with those deep brown eyes, as dark as chocolate and twice as delicious.

It wasn't the kind of look that made you feel you were being mentally undressed. It was a look of… well, almost wonder and amazement. Almost as though he'd never seen a girl before. As though he'd discovered something new and wonderful which he'd never suspected existed.

And he'd looked like that at Kate.

"So, you deny giving them food?" said Judy.

Kate looked down into her lap. "Okay, I might have given them a little bit of food. They were going down to the beach and the lady obviously wasn't very well and the guys were worried about her. I just wanted to do something to help."

Judy's expression was hard. "Stealing is stealing, Kate, whatever your reasons. It is a crime. A crime for which I could have reported you. A crime for which I will not hesitate to report you if you do it again."

Kate took a shaky breath. "Judy, I really am sorry. I wasn't thinking straight. It's the first time I've done it and I promise I'll never do it again."

"No," agreed Judy. "You won't. But that doesn't change the fact it happened once and therefore you will receive a written warning. Most people operate a 'three strikes and you're out' policy. I only allow two lapses. One more incident like this, Kate, and you'll be out of the door. And even one warning will severely limit your chances of being taken on permanently. Have I made myself clear?"

"Yes, Judy," said Kate.

"Then get back to work."

Kate left Judy's office to find Milly waiting outside the door, an anxious expression on her face. "Kate, what happened?"

"I'm going to get a written warning," said Kate. Her eyes filled with tears. "She knows about the survival rations I gave to Nibbles. She said it was stealing, Milly! And I suppose it is, but I didn't mean it like that."

Milly put her arm around her. "I don't call it stealing. I call it kindness. Maybe with a little bit of flirtation thrown in, but mainly kindness. It's not your fault Moody Judy wouldn't recognise a kind act if it bit her on the bum."

"I just wanted to do something for them," said Kate, as a tear slipped down her cheek. She wiped it away, unsure if she was crying for Nibbles or for herself. "The lady looked so poorly and they were driving her around in an ambulance… you wouldn't usually use an ambulance to take someone to the bay. Only if… only if someone was seriously ill and it was their dying wish or something…"

"Hey. Come on. You don't know any of that," said Milly. "The ambulance might just have been… what's that word they use on TV? Precautionary. If someone with health problems wants to go somewhere that's a bit out-of-the-way with no hospital close by, it makes sense to go in an ambulance. Then they'll have all kinds of medical equipment there just in case."

Kate wiped her eyes. "I suppose you're right. I'm just being silly."

Milly patted her shoulder and let her go. "It's okay. Everyone's allowed to be silly sometimes. Especially when you meet someone like Nibbles and then get a written warning. Extremes of emotion, isn't it?"

"I suppose I just got carried away," admitted Kate. "Nibbles was so gorgeous. He had the loveliest brown eyes. They were like-"

"Chocolate. You said," said Milly. "And big geeky glasses and thick blond hair which you're just dying to run your fingers through…"

Kate laughed unsteadily. "He's not geeky. But he does have lovely hair."

"His ears are a bit big, though…"

"They are not!" gasped Kate.

"Okay: his ears are fine. I'm just teasing you." Milly looked thoughtful. "Personally, I preferred the tall one."

Kate smiled. "Well, when Nibbles calls me and we've been on a date and fallen madly in love with each other, I'll ask him to introduce you to his mate."

* * *

Cal stood, his arms around Ethan, as Iain and Charlie wheeled Emilie into the ambulance. Ethan wasn't shivering, but he was cold to the touch. Cal had both arms around him in an attempt to warm him, but Ethan didn't seem to notice.

As the trolley was secured, Cal felt another tear roll down his cheek. It was swiftly followed by another. He saw the concern on Charlie's face as he came towards the brothers, putting a hand on each of their arms. "Would you like to sit in the back with your mum?"

Cal nodded through his tears. Ethan gave no signs of hearing, but he didn't object when Cal moved him gently towards the ambulance and up the ramp. Cal's eyes strayed involuntarily to Emilie. She looked like she was asleep and perhaps in a way, she was. Cal could only hope he dreams would be sweet. Dreams of not one but two healthy sons, going happily through their lives; achieving all their dreams.

Cal pushed Ethan gently down on to one of the seats. He put a hand on Ethan's shoulder, using the other to ruffle his hair, but there was no reaction. Ethan's face was set and he didn't even seem to know Cal was there.

Cal's breath was expelled in a loud sob that startled him but not Ethan. He sat near Emilie and took her hand in his, feeling tears flowing onto his cheeks. Her hand was cooling now. Cal lifted it to his lips and kissed it again and again. He couldn't believe she was really gone. He'd only just found her again and now she'd left him.

Cal put his other hand over his face as the tears blinded him. He felt a strong arm going around him. Cal looked up into Charlie's concerned, compassionate face and felt began to sob. He knew he was being selfish, but he didn't know what to do. He wanted his mum. Both his mums. And he wanted his little brother.

He wanted to see Ethan grow and develop into the doctor he'd always promised to be. He wanted to see him become a consultant; perhaps even clinical lead one day. He wanted to see him saving lives with a steady hand and a smooth, calm voice.

But even if that happened, it would be only fleeting. The disease would claim Ethan in the end. His body; his brain; his life.

Cal's throat ached as his sobs came louder and faster. "Why, Charlie? Why?" he asked, knowing there was no answer; knowing that Charlie wouldn't even have understood the question.

"Why does it have to happen to anyone?" Charlie asked him softly. His hand moved up and down Cal's back. "You made her last weeks happy in a way she'd given up dreaming would ever happen. She loved you, Cal: not just because you used to be her little son Stephen but because you're Caleb Knight."

It was something Cal had been hoping and dreaming and had even, at times, allowed himself to believe, but it was of no consolation now.

"Ethan?" Charlie raised his voice slightly. "Why don't you come over here and sit with your brother?"

Cal knew why he was asking. He thought Cal was the one who needed support because Cal was the one who was crying. Cal longed to tell Charlie the horrible truth so he didn't have to carry it alone anymore. But Ethan had asked him to say nothing and Cal would do anything his brother asked him.

He looked over at Ethan, waiting for his reply, but he didn't seem to have heard. He sat, his body rigid, not looking at Cal or Emilie. Cal watched for the tiniest moment; the tiniest flicker in his expression, but there was nothing. It was as though Ethan's soul had escaped his body, leaving only a shell behind.

 _And I wish he had_ , thought Cal, as the tears poured down his face once more. _I wish he could do that. I wish he could leave his body and the gene and his future behind him and go on to be everything he should be._

Instead, Ethan was trapped. Trapped in a body of which he was gradually losing control. The symptoms probably wouldn't show for years, but they would come and there would be nothing Cal could do to stop them.


	3. Chapter 3

_I'm so glad you're enjoying this story! I hope this chapter will go a small way towards being Casualty-starved tonight._

 _I've decided to bring some existing characters into Kate's storyline rather than use a series of OCs - I hope you like that idea._

 **X-Sammii-X** , thank you for your review. I like the way Charlie comforts everyone too so I'll try to bring him into the story again in the future. I'm glad you liked my description of Ethan's eyes. I always think of chocolate (among other things) when I look at him!

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan** , Kate doesn't know where Ethan works (if this contradicts something in the episode, I'm really sorry and very annoyed with myself!), but that won't stop them from meeting again. Thank you for your review.

 **tracys dream** , thank you for your review. It's lovely to know you found the chapter thought-provoking and interesting. I hope you'll like this one too.

 **CBloom2** , I really am very happy that you feel sorry for Kate - I was worried that although her situation is bad, it would be overshadowed by Cal and Ethan's problems. I don't read spoilers except episode previews in TV mags, but I have found out something accidentally which I can pm you if you like. Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , I'm glad Charlie's words came over as convincingly wise - I don't have half his wisdom or experience (and how could I, at my age?) so anything like that is a bit of a stab in the dark! I like your idea about Kate telling Judy where to stick her job. Thank you for your review.

 **LittleBritishPerson** , Ethan doesn't have Kate's number anymore, but my plan is for them to meet again in Chapter 6. Ethan really needs comfort at the moment. Thank you for your review.

 **Lara (Guest)** , thank you for your review. It's so lovely to know you enjoyed it so much - but if you'd like to write something similar, please do it. Your ideas are just as valid and your story could easily be twice as good. I don't think it matters if there are several stories on the same theme - I doubt mine is the only one - and if you enjoy writing it, I'm sure people will enjoy reading it. Thank you for your review. Ethan and Kate won't meet quite yet, but it will happen soon.

 **Somebody Once** , thank you for your review. I'm so happy you're enjoying it. I hope you'll continue to read it and that it will live up to your expectations.

 **20BlueRoses** , I'm glad you think the evil boss is believable - I wanted to give Kate a serious storyline of her own so she's not just sitting around, waiting for Ethan. Thank you for your review.

 _Thank you to **Tanith Panic** , **s1436229** and **NineCrow** for the follows and favourites._

* * *

Cal awoke to find Ethan already gone.

He'd suggested last night that Ethan should take another day off before returning to work and he wasn't surprised when the idea was rebuffed. He had known it would take a lot of persuasion to stop Ethan from going back and he wasn't at all sure of his success, but he hadn't expected Ethan to sneak off like this.

Though on second thoughts, perhaps he should have done. Ethan was trying to avoid almost any conversation at the moment, particularly those with an actual or implied link to Emilie or Huntington's. A conversation about whether he was ready to go back to work would have been no exception.

Five days had passed. Five days since their life had changed beyond all recognition and they hadn't even spoken about it. To begin with, Cal had been too upset even to try and had spent three days crying copiously while Ethan had quietly and detachedly carried on with life.

With each tear, Cal hated himself more. It was so much worse for Ethan than for him, yet Cal was the one who'd fallen to pieces, as he always did. Ethan, meanwhile, had organised the funeral; cooked Cal's meals for him (Cal had tried to eat them for Ethan's sake: he wasn't hungry, but it seemed the least he could do); and continued with all the housework tasks as though nothing had happened - the only difference being that he didn't nag Cal to help him.

Ethan's support of Cal seemed to come from a distance. He made Cal hot drinks and sometimes comfort food. Each time Cal broke down in tears, Ethan ensured he had tissues. He brought Cal blankets or an extra jumper if he thought he might be cold; he provided cups of water when Cal had cried enough to make himself dehydrated. He was very kind in a practical way, but his physical comfort was, as usual, limited to the occasional pat on the shoulder and his emotional comfort almost non-existent.

That would involve speaking and Ethan didn't speak if he could help it.

Cal knew most of Ethan's words were trapped inside him, along with his tears. One day, they would come out, but Cal didn't know when. He just hoped he'd be there.

Cal didn't want to go back to work. He didn't feel ready and had woken that morning with an aching head, sore eyes and the feeling that work was as impossible today as it had been yesterday. How could he go to work and make people better when he couldn't cure his little brother? How was it fair that he could be expected to do that when no doctor had been able to save either of his mothers and wouldn't be able to help Ethan?

Cal had told himself that it would be all right: that if Ethan took the day off work, it would be perfectly feasible for Cal to stay at home too.

But Ethan had gone to work and now Cal had no choice but to follow.

He had to be there. He had to support his little brother through the pain, anger and grief that hadn't hit him yet but could do at any time.

It was time for him to stop the tears and be ready to dry Ethan's.

* * *

The door opened very slowly, in stages. Kate guessed it was someone struggling with shopping or a pram and went quickly across to open the door, only to discover the girl was holding nothing but a small handbag.

However, the reason for her struggles was immediately clear. She was frighteningly white, with lines of pain across her forehead. A hand clutched to her stomach suggested the likely source of it. As Kate pulled the door from her unresisting hand, the girl stumbled and almost fell, but Kate caught her with her free arm, slipping it around her and gently coaxing her inside.

"Come in, sweetheart. It's okay. Just a few more steps. You can do it." She supported the girl to the nearest table and helped her to sit down. "There you are. Is there anything I can do? Shall I call a doctor?"

The girl breathed deeply a couple of times and lifted her head to smile at Kate. She was very pretty, Kate realised. Her hair was long and blonde with pink tips.

"No, thank you. I'm actually a doctor myself, so I know there's not too much wrong with me." She lowered her voice. "It's at this time of the month that I wish I was a man. The rest of the time, I'm perfectly happy to be a girl. I can wear as much pink as I like without anyone turning a hair and I can avoid all that constant male competitiveness. But for one day a month..."

Kate impulsively put her hand on the girl's shoulder. "Oh, you poor thing. I'm exactly the same: it's agony, isn't it? Is there anything I can get for you? A glass of water? If you're anything like me, you're probably not that hungry, but I can get you some plain biscuits. I'm Kate, by the way."

"I'm Alicia." The doctor smiled again. "Thanks so much, Kate. I'd love some water and biscuits if that's allowed. I just wish I hadn't been stupid enough to leave my painkillers behind. You'd think, with a medical degree, I ought to have a brain or two in my head, but no."

Kate patted her shoulder. "No-one can think clearly when they're in this much pain. But I've got some paracetamol which you're welcome to, and I think I might have my codeine tablets too." Then she remembered Alicia was a doctor and felt worried. "I know I'm not really supposed to give my prescription meds to other people, but the offer's there."

Alicia gave her a grateful smile. "If you can really spare one, a codeine tablet would be wonderful."

"I'll go and get it now," said Kate. "They're soluble, so I'll put one in some water for you and bring the biscuits out so you can get started on them straight away. Then I'll make you a pot of tea. It'll be on the house, of course."

Or rather out of Kate's own pocket, but Alicia wouldn't have to know that.

* * *

Ethan hadn't realised how hard it was going to be.

He'd been desperate to get back into his normal routine; desperate to have something difficult and technical to focus his mind on, other than the horrible truth. Looking after Cal had provided some distraction, but no matter how hard he focused on his brother, the fact was always there.

Ethan had Huntington's Disease.

He had plenty to distract him now, but his brain felt slow and sluggish, at least half of it always taken up with wondering how much longer he'd be able to do this job. Even the simplest diagnoses seemed slightly out of his reach and the smallest moment of indecision caused his head to fill with panic.

In any other doctor, Ethan would have forgiven it. He'd lost his mother and discovered he had an incurable disease. That would wreck anyone's concentration.

But to Ethan, it was so much more than that because he didn't know if it was a loss of concentration. Perhaps the symptoms were already here. Slowly creeping closer and closer, ready to claim him, and twist him and his life out of all recognition.

Maybe this was already the beginning of the end.

Ethan felt his breathing quicken. The air seemed thin and all he seemed to be breathing in was disinfectant. He tried to breathe deeply; told himself this was ridiculous and he needed to calm down, but it was no use. His breaths became faster and faster. He started to feel dizzy.

He couldn't do this. He couldn't do his job. He, who should be snatching gratefully at every moment that remained to him, was falling apart; unable to perform the smallest task. He knew the symptoms could hit at any time. It probably wouldn't happen today, but what if it did? What if he lifted a needle to take some bloods and his hands shook? What if he tried to offer reassurance to the patient and the words wouldn't come? What if the depression, Emilie's first symptom, overwhelmed him so completely that he could do nothing?

Ethan laid the file he was holding on a nearby trolley and dashed out into the fresh air. He collapsed onto a bench, tears stinging his eyes. Tears of self-hatred for being so weak.

* * *

Kate was kept fairly busy, so she didn't get to spend as much time with Alicia as she would have liked, but she checked on her regularly, asking how she was feeling and offering more refreshment. After she'd taken the tablet and drank her tea, Alicia's stomach felt more settled so Kate offered her some chocolate cake, which Alicia readily accepted.

She was on her way to get it when she felt a cold hand upon her shoulder. "Kate. A word."

"Hi, Judy. I'm just going to get some chocolate cake for a customer and then I'll be right with you," said Kate, but she'd seen the look in Judy's eyes and she felt her heart tremble.

"I'd like you to ask the customer by the door to leave."

"What?" said Kate in disbelief. "She's a paying customer!" Even if this wasn't strictly true, Alicia's meals were being paid for.

"She's also extremely unwell," said Judy. "It is not a good advertisement for our café if the first thing you see on entering is a face that colour. No-one will want to eat near a customer who looks as though she might vomit – and I don't want someone like that in my café."

Kate tried to speak calmly. "I can understand that, Judy, but she's not feeling that sick and she's not contagious. She just needs a bit of a sit-down."

"She's had a bit of a sit-down," said Judy. "I've been told she's been here for over an hour and all she's eaten are plain biscuits."

"She's going to have some chocolate cake now," said Kate.

"Then she'll have to take it with her," said Judy. "After she's paid, of course."


	4. Chapter 4

**Bonnie Sveen Fan** , I didn't like Alicia at all, but I really felt for her in her last episode and ended up being really disappointed when she left. Thank you for your review.

 **Lara (Guest)** , thank you for your review - I'm glad you like the story. I find my stories aren't usually as good written down as they are in my head, but as long as they're making people happy!

 **CBloom2** , I would arrange for Kate to poison Judy, but Ethan would probably save her life and ruin the whole story. So I think I'll stick with the romance angle. 'Ethan and the Murderess' has already been done anyway. Thank you for your review.

 **X-Sammii-X** , thank you for your review. I'm hoping this story will be emotional, but you'll be able to judge that better than me. Judy is awful, but I wanted to give Kate a serious storyline as well as Ethan. I didn't want it to be too romcom.

 **tracys dream** , thank you for your review - I'm glad you're still enjoying the story.

 **20BlueRoses** , it would be amazing to see Cal looking after Ethan and being there for him, but that's not what usually happens! I'm glad you feel it wasn't the wrong way for them to react. That's an interesting idea about a new job for Kate! Thank you for your review.

 **LittleBritishPerson** , I'm glad you like Judy as a character, even though you hate her as a person! I was really hoping for that reaction. I hadn't planned for Alicia to appear again, but now I think she will! Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , I think 'karma for Judy' is more likely than 'miracle for Ethan'! I use double-strength Cura-Heat on my back sometimes, but it isn't powerful enough for anything else. Someone needs to invent quadruple-strength! Thank you for your review.

 _Thank you to Somebody Once for the follow._

* * *

Ethan wasn't sure how long he sat there. He knew it was much too long, but he couldn't persuade himself to get up and go back inside. It all seemed so pointless. Ethan loved his job and always had, but it wasn't just about the here-and-now. He was looking forward to becoming a better doctor. To becoming a consultant. Possibly becoming a clinical lead one day, though he wasn't convinced he'd be very good at it.

But the future was so uncertain now. Emilie had got her first symptoms about his age. Perhaps they were even already here. He had been very depressed lately. He tried telling himself that any doctor would become a bit depressed after the experiences Ethan had had, but it didn't help.

Was there any point, for example, in resitting his FCEM? At first, he'd believed he'd failed because most people failed it the first time. He hadn't been that far off the pass mark, after all. But Huntington's affected you mentally as well as physically. Perhaps he'd failed because his memory was weakening or because he was unable to grasp the more advanced treatments or no longer had the intellectual ability to cope with the mathematical concepts.

After all, it wasn't like Ethan to fail an exam. It had never happened before and when he'd started studying the material, he had found it challenging but perfectly achievable. It was only towards the end that he'd begun to struggle. That might be because Honey had been taking up so much of his time and his thoughts, or because he'd been worried about Cal's mental state, but it might be because he didn't have the mental prowess anymore.

Another attempt could mean another failure; another battering to his self-esteem. Perhaps it would be better to let it go; to give up on failing to become a consultant and concentrate on becoming a better registrar.

That, to Ethan seemed the sensible course of action.

But it wasn't what he wanted.

"Ethan?"

Ethan jumped and turned towards the sound, but he'd known even before he looked that it was his brother. He wondered for a horrible moment if there might be a time in the future when he didn't recognise his brother; didn't recognise his own name, but he pushed those thoughts away because he didn't want Cal to have the smallest inkling of what he was feeling.

He wasn't sure he'd have shared it anyway, but Cal was grieving. He had enough to think about.

"Ethan." Cal sat beside him and Ethan instantly felt himself tense, certain the topic of conversation would be one he wouldn't like.

"I was just going back," he said.

"I discharged some of your patients for you," said Cal. "They were about to breach and no-one knew where you were."

Ethan knew he should be grateful, but instead he jumped to his feet, his eyes blazing. "Can't you just mind your own business? I'm not helpless yet, you know. I can discharge my own patients!"

He turned and stormed away, back into the hospital, but he hadn't turned quickly enough to miss the look on Cal's face.

Cal looked frightened, sad and worried – and as completely helpless as Ethan felt.

* * *

Milly stared at Kate in disbelief. "You're joking! She seriously made you ask her to leave?"

"She did," said Kate. "I didn't know what to do. If she'd asked me to move Alicia away from the door, maybe it wouldn't have been so bad. I could have said I was worried about the draught from the door.. I don't like lying, but if it solves the problem without upsetting Alicia..."

"So what did you do?" said Milly.

"I went over to Alicia," said Kate. "Desperately hoping that some kind of inspiration would strike me on the way. But as soon as I got there, Alicia said she'd just noticed the time and she needed to be going, so I wrapped her cake up for her and she took it with her." She'd felt so guilty, she'd slipped an extra slice of cake into the parcel. "I still feel awful though. I can't help thinking that maybe she overheard or lip-read or something. She's a doctor so she must be very clever."

Milly thought for a moment, but then she shook her head, giving Kate's arm a reassuring pat. "I don't think even a doctor could know from right across the room. And even if she could, she'd know it wasn't your fault. But that Judy… I didn't think much of her when I started working here, but she's getting worse."

"Do you think she'll be better when Helen gets back?" said Kate. "She's the assistant manager, isn't she?"

"She's the manager's assistant," said Milly, her lips twisting into a wry smile. "Basically the assistant manager, only with a less important title and probably a lot lower salary. It will be better when Helen gets back because she'll do most of the shop floor stuff while Judy hides away in her office and plans ingenious new ways of putting the prices up. But she won't be back till next month."

 _And I might not last that long_. Kate silently added the words she knew Milly was thinking.

"Anyway: enough of moody Judy," said Milly. "Any news on Nibbles?"

Kate sighed. "He still hasn't called. I think he just wasn't interested. He could be married for all I know."

"Yeah, to the hot tall guy!"

"Could be!" Kate still wasn't convinced by that, but what did she know? She'd obviously overestimated Nibbles' interest in her.

"Or maybe he's just shy," said Milly. "He looked like the kind of man who would be shy."

Kate was inclined to agree, but it hardly mattered now. "For all we know, he didn't even find the note. If they ate the food and threw the paper away…" She tried to speak brightly, but she couldn't keep the disappointment out of her voice. She'd seen attractive men before and she didn't doubt she'd see more, but there was something different about Nibbles. And she'd never find out what.

She'd never find out if his hair was as soft as he looked. She'd never find out what he looked like without his glasses – though he certainly looked fantastic with them. She'd never know if his kisses were as sweet as he was.

"Hey, it's okay." Milly put her arm around her. "If he doesn't call, he doesn't call. His loss. Plenty more where he came from."

"Probably not plenty more like Nibbles," said Kate. "I think he's one of a kind." She forced a smile. "But he might have been an awful boyfriend. He looked perfect on the outside, but he might have shown up late for every date; taken me to a restaurant wearing jeans with holes in them…"

"…flirted with not only your waitress but every waitress who walked past," said Milly.

"…let his hands wander everywhere all the way through the meal," continued Kate.

"…burped loudly enough afterwards for the whole restaurant to hear…"

"...got offended because I only offered to pay my share and not his..."

"...tripped over the carpet on the way out because he'd had too much wine..."

"… opened the restaurant door and let it slam back in my face…"

"Exactly! You might have had very a lucky escape!" said Milly.

Kate nodded. She couldn't imagine Nibbles doing any of these things, but the truth was she didn't know him. She'd only spoken to him for a couple of minutes.

But she hadn't forgotten the way he'd looked at her, as though she were the best and most unexpected present he'd ever received (though not as though he couldn't wait to get the wrappings off). She couldn't forget the concern he felt for the other guy or his gentleness towards the lady.

Nibbles was a nice man. She was sure he was a nice man.

But it looked as though she'd never find out for sure.

* * *

Cal kept an eye on Ethan for the rest of the day. Once he was back at work, Ethan seemed like his normal self, but Cal wasn't fooled. He finished his shift a little early so he'd be in the staff room when Ethan came to get changed. He sat on the sofa and waited.

Perhaps because he'd taken such a long break in the middle, Ethan was half an hour late finishing his shift, but Cal didn't give up on him and was still sitting there when Ethan finally entered. Ethan's forehead was slightly creased and his shoulders hunched as he walked to his locker and opened it, apparently sunk too deep in his thoughts to have noticed Cal.

Cal's breath caught in his throat when he saw Ethan's hand shake slightly as he tried to unlock his locker. Ethan froze at the sight of it and took a step away from the locker, holding his hand out in front of him, an expression of deep fear on his face.

Cal understood his fear because at one time he'd been watching out for symptoms too. He stood up and moved quickly towards his brother, his arm outstretched. Wanting to comfort him but unsure if it would be accepted.

The movement seemed to catch Ethan's attention and he jumped, swinging round to face Cal. The fear on his face intensified. He said nothing.

Cal wanted to take the keys from Ethan and help him, but before he could speak, Ethan turned back to his locker. He inserted the key into the lock without difficulty and got out his clothes.

"Did you want something, Caleb?" he asked without looking at his brother.

"Just… waiting for you," said Cal.

Ethan finally looked at him, his gaze full of suspicion. "I'm perfectly capable of driving, you know."

"Yeah, I know," said Cal awkwardly. He could understand Ethan's reaction. He was probably dreading the pity and most of all dreading the moment when he could no longer rely on himself. Truthfully, he said: "I'm a bit tired. So I thought you could drive?"

Ethan's face filled with anger. "You're not a baby, you know, Caleb. I won't be able to do this for you forever. One day you might be the one having to-"

He stopped. The anger drained away and was replaced by deep sadness.

"Ethan…" Cal took another step towards him.

"I'm… going to get changed." Ethan hurried out of the room.


	5. Chapter 5

_Thank you for your ongoing support with this story! I really appreciate it. I was thinking about updating every day instead of every other day, though it will depend on whether I've got the time._

 **Lara** **(Guest),** thank you for your review. It's so good to know I'm making people happy - even though I'm sometimes making them sad as well!

 **X-Sammii-X** , Kate and Nibbles will be reunited in Chapter Seven, so possibly the day after tomorrow if all goes well! I don't know if Kate will be a regular or not, but you'll definitely see a lot of her in this story! Thank you for your review.

 **tracys dream** , thank you for your review. Ethan really needs Cal's comfort at the moment, but he's not that good at accepting comfort or talking about his feelings. But he has lots of time to change his mind!

 **CBloom2** , thank you for your review. Ethan and Kate will cross paths quite soon... I really hope you'll keep reading to find out if Ethan pushes her away or not!

 **Tanith Panic** , I have plans to bring Alicia back very soon! I haven't quite decided how involved she'll be in the story, but she'll be around. I'm so glad the banter wasn't out of place in such a sad story. Thank you for your review.

 **LittleBritishPerson** , Ethan is really angry and sad and a million different emotions all at once! I'm glad you liked Milly and Kate's conversation. I thought Kate needed a friend in the café or she'd probably have quit by now! Thank you for your review.

 **ETWentHome** , thank you for your review - I'm so glad you like the story so far. I'm glad it seems realistic. You're right - Ethan is really going to need Cal's support, sooner rather than later.

 _Thank you to **corriemad.2002** for the follow and favourite._

* * *

Cal awoke the following day to find Ethan already up. He looked tired and a slight redness around his eyes suggested Cal wasn't the only one who'd been crying into his pillow last night.

Cal put his arm around his brother. Ethan flinched, but he didn't move away. "How are you doing?" Cal asked as he rubbed Ethan's shoulder.

"Looking forward to the day ahead," said Ethan briskly.

Cal shook his head. Ethan had been like this ever since they'd got home from the hospital yesterday. Cal had collapsed on the sofa and cried, physically and mentally exhausted by his first day back at work, while Ethan had walked calmly into the kitchen to make dinner.

Ethan's expression softened. "You know, if you wanted to take the day off, I'm sure it would be okay."

"We could both take the day off," said Cal. "We could… talk."

Ethan shook his head. "I'm sorry, Cal, but I want to go to work. I don't think sitting around at home is going to make me feel any better."

Cal's eyes filled with tears. Ethan probably wanted to make the most of every working day that was still available to him. He had no idea when the career he loved would be snatched from him. Every day at home must seem like a day wasted.

"Stay at home," said Ethan, with that protective look Cal knew so well. "You were closer to Mum than I was. You cared for her. You did everything." For a moment, the protectiveness was replaced by guilt, but then Ethan blinked and it was gone. "It's understandable if you need more time."

"And you don't need more time?" said Cal incredulously, as his tears began to fall.

Ethan put his arm around him. "Not as much as you."

* * *

The customer sat alone at a table, listening to an iPod and occasionally glancing at his watch. He was probably close to fifty, with dark skin and his hair pulled back into a messy pony tail. An occasional smile flitted across his face as he listened to his music, only to be replaced by a dark frown as he checked his watch again.

Kate walked over to him and smiled. "Hey. Are you all right there?"

He didn't seem to hear, lost in his music, but when Kate repeated her words a little more loudly, the man turned and smiled at her. "Hi. I'm waiting for my daughter. She really should be here by now, but she's probably running late."

"Can I get you something while you're waiting?" said Kate. She'd have been happy for him to wait for as long as he liked, but she'd already seen Judy sending some pointed glances in his direction.

The man looked a little embarrassed. "Sorry. I know I shouldn't be taking up a table when I haven't ordered anything, but it seems a bit rude to order before she gets here."

Kate smiled. "It's okay. But if you're worried, I could get you a glass of water or something?"

She saw the man's face relax in gratitude and relief. "That's a great idea. I'm sure Honey wouldn't object if I had a glass of water."

"Honey? That's a pretty name," said Kate.

"Her mum chose it."

Something told Kate it would be better not to enquire about Honey's mum. "I've always wished I had an unusual name. My name's Kate. Katherine really, but that was my mother's name, so I've always been Kate. Can you imagine anything more boring?"

The man smiled. "At least it's easy to pronounce. My name's Noel and there's this guy I work with who insists on calling me 'Noelle'. It drives me mad. Unfortunately, his name is Jack so I can't return the favour."

"Oh, I don't know. You could always call him 'Jake'," said Kate.

Noel laughed. "I like you're way of thinking. I'm sure he'd hate that!"

Kate laughed too. "Not that I'm usually in favour of annoying people, but calling a guy 'Noelle'… I'll go and get your water, Noel."

She went to the kitchens to find Judy waiting for her, her arms folded. "That was a very long conversation you were having with the customer, Kate. Bit old for you, isn't he? But perhaps you're the kind of girl who isn't fussy."

It was an effort for Kate to keep her voice polite. "I was just explaining he needed to order something if he wanted to stay."

"If that's true, you took a very long time about it, that's all I can say. Please try to remember, Kate, that you're here to work. Not to pick up men. If that's your main interest in life, I'm sure there are other fields of employment that would suit you far better."

* * *

"Pulse check," said Zoe.

Charlie put his finger on the patient's neck and shook his head.

Ethan was still breathing hard from the last lot of compressions, or perhaps from fighting back tears. The patient had a son, a few years younger than Ethan, and it was obvious he adored her. Ethan didn't want him to lose her. He knew how it felt.

There was sadness in Zoe's eyes, but her voice didn't waver. "If we're all agreed…"

"No!" said Ethan. He restarted compressions.

"Ethan, stop," said Zoe.

"No!" said Ethan again. He pounded into the man's chest. Harder. Faster. As if that would do any good.

He felt Charlie's hand on his shoulder. "Ethan, why don't you go and take a break."

Ethan was crying. "I can't take a break! We've got to save her!"

Charlie gently pulled him away. "It's over, Ethan. We've got to let her go."

"We can't!" cried Ethan.

"Time of death: 11.43," said Zoe.

Ethan put his hands over his face and sobbed.

"I'll go and tell her son," said Zoe. "Ethan, go and take a break. Robyn, could you go with him?"

"Sure," said Robyn. Her voice was soft and shaky. "Come on, Ethan." She took him to the staffroom and Ethan sat on the sofa, still crying, while Robyn made tea.

At first, Ethan thought he was crying for the young man who'd lost his mother, but then he realised he was crying for himself.

He had an incurable disease. He would lose everything. His mind. Control of his body. He would lose everything he loved; everything he'd wanted. He would sit in a corner, unable to move or speak, and be looked at with pity. Ethan Hardy, who used to be a doctor. Ethan Hardy, who had promised so much.

He curled up on the sofa, sobbing into the cushions. "It's not fair!" he howled, beating the cushions with his fists. "Why me? Why me?"

He felt a hand on his shoulder and realised Robyn had sat beside him. "Ethan, I know you miss her. I'm so sorry."

Ethan pulled himself up onto his knees, his fists clenching and his face raised to the ceiling. "Of course it's not okay!" he shouted. "It never will be okay!"

Robyn stroked Ethan's back as he cried some more.

"I just want my mum, Robyn," he whispered. He didn't know which mum he meant, but he just wanted someone to hold him and tell him everything would be okay.

Robyn put her arms around him. "I know, Ethan. I know."

* * *

"…just give me a call when you get this, okay? Speak to you soon, love." Noel put the phone back on the table with a sigh.

Kate's heart ached for him. "Have you still not heard from her?" she asked as she handed Noel his water.

Noel shook his head. "I wish I could say it's a one-off, but this is the third time this month."

"I'm sorry," said Kate. Noel seemed so lovely and he obviously cared about Honey a lot. She put her hand on his shoulder. "Maybe she's stuck in traffic or something."

Noel looked unconvinced, but as his phone started to ring, his face lit up. He snatched the phone from the table. "Honey, where are you?... Why are you still… Don't you remember? You suggested meeting me for… well, how about later on? I've got the whole afternoon off. Maybe we could meet for afternoon tea or…. oh… Oh, I see … No, love: of course I'm not mad. I think it's great you're doing so well for yourself. I'm really proud of… Do you have to go now? You couldn't stay and chat for a…. No, I understand. It's fine. I'll talk to you soon, Honey. Bye, love." He heaved a sigh as he put the phone back on the table.

Kate was surprised by the force of her anger. She took a couple of breaths to calm herself. She didn't know the full situation, after all. It might not be Honey's fault.

"Looks like I drove all this way for nothing then," said Noel. He sighed. "Another lonely lunch for me."

"Well… I know it wouldn't be the same, but I could have lunch with you if you wanted," offered Kate. "I'm due to have my lunchbreak soon and I hate eating alone."

"She was such a sweet girl," said Noel sadly. "She seemed settled. She was doing well at work… well, mostly… and she'd got herself a boyfriend - guy called Ethan, really nice bloke - and then one day, she tells me she's split up with him and she's going to open her own beauty salon. And off she went. I gave her some money to help her get set up and I've hardly heard from her since."

Kate sat in one of the empty chairs. "Maybe she's just really busy. It must be difficult, opening your own salon."

"Or maybe I'd served my purpose," said Noel.

The words could have been bitter, but Kate could see the genuine sadness in his eyes. She put her hand over his. "I can't imagine how anyone could feel like that about you. You're lovely. She's lucky to have a dad like you."

Noel looked at her for a moment or two. "Did you mean it about having lunch with me?"

"Of course I did," said Kate.

"Thanks," said Noel. "I'd like that." He smiled sadly. "You remind me a bit of Honey. Or the girl I thought she was."


	6. Chapter 6

**ETWentHome** , I'm so happy you like Kate! She's partly influenced by the episode (though I couldn't rewatch it as it was so sad, so I might have got it wrong), but I wanted to give her more character depth. Thank you for your review. I'm glad you're enjoying it.

 **X-Sammii-X** , that's a very interesting idea about Noel! I hadn't planned on a connection between him and Kate, but I'll see if I can put one in. Thank you for your review. I'm so glad you liked the chapter.

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan** , thank you for your review. I'm really happy you enjoyed the chapter. Yes, I'm being tough on both of them this time!

 **20BlueRoses** , thank you for your review. I'm glad Cal and Ethan's emotion and pain is convincing. I think it probably did help Ethan to release a some of his emotion. He does need support, but like Cal, he doesn't find it easy to accept it.

 **tracys dream** , thank you for your review. Ethan is struggling so much! I feel quite mean! I'm really glad you're enjoying the story.

 **CBloom2** , I'm really glad you liked Noel talking about Ethan - I thought it might be interesting if Kate learned things about Nibbles without realising it. Ethan really does need his brother! Thank you for your review.

 **LittleBritishPerson** , thank you for your review. I really wanted Lofty to comfort Ethan, but he's gone! I'm glad I surprised you - I hope it was a good surprise! I really wanted Kate to have some interaction with regulars so it's more Casualty-themed.

 **Somebody Once** , thank you for your review. I'm really glad you like that Cal is the more emotional one - even though Ethan has more to be upset about, I just had a feeling Cal would show it more. Of course, I'll probably be proved wrong on Saturday!

 **Tanith Panic** , I meant for Judy's objection to be to Kate 'flirting' rather than Noel's age specifically - that's more an excuse to have another dig at her! I think Noel's hot and was amazed he had a daughter as old as Honey, though she is younger than I thought she was. Yes, considering I'm the one writing this, I think tears and breakdowns are probably guaranteed! Thank you for your review.

* * *

"I'm so sorry," said Ethan, as he lifted his head from Robyn's shoulder. "I don't know what… I shouldn't have done that, Robyn. I'm sorry."

"It's okay to be upset, Ethan." Robyn handed him a tissue. "Anyone would be. You haven't done anything wrong." She patted his arm. "I'll go and get you your tea."

"Thank you." Ethan's voice was hoarse. He knew tea wouldn't help, but he was glad to have a moment to himself. He needed to think. Zoe and Charlie would want to speak to him about what had happened and he would somehow have to convince them he was okay.

A humourless laugh escaped Ethan's lips. _Okay_. There wasn't one thing about him that was okay and there never would be.

* * *

When Zoe and Charlie entered the staff room together, Ethan was outwardly calm. "I apologise for my behaviour in Resus. It was unprofessional."

"It was understandable," said Zoe. She sat beside Ethan. "I'm sorry it upset you so much. It's my fault. I shouldn't have let you work on that case with me. I should have realised it was too soon."

Ethan's voice trembled. "I don't want to be treated differently from anyone else."

"I can understand that, Ethan, but you've lost someone close to you," said Zoe. "It's always very difficult. We all saw how it affected Lily when she lost her father. You and Cal both struggled when you lost your other mother. Cal barely coped yesterday and if I'm honest, I was relieved when you told me he was taking the day off." She touched Ethan's arm. "But she was your mum too, Ethan."

"I… I just want to get on with my job," said Ethan, his head lowered, hardly even daring to blink in case it dislodged the tears that had rushed to his eyes at Zoe's kindness.

Charlie's voice was gentle. "I know, Ethan. But when you lose someone, you need to take some time for yourself. Time to grieve. Time to recover. Sadness isn't a weakness. It's a sign that you came to care for your mother very deeply in the short time you were together. It shows great strength that you allowed yourself to care and I know it meant everything to Emilie."

Ethan was unable to stop a tear from slipping down his cheek. He wiped it away and sniffed.

Zoe patted Ethan's arm. "Go home, Ethan. Tomorrow's the funeral so I know you won't be coming in then, but why not take a couple of days off after that too?"

Ethan spoke through a lump in his throat. "But you need me. As you said, Cal is really struggling and I'm not sure when he'll be ready to come back."

"Then we'll get some locums in," said Zoe. "Take all the time you need and come back when you're ready."

"And if you're struggling, ask for help," said Charlie. "We're not just your colleagues, Ethan. We're your friends and we want to support you. Both of you."

Ethan's tears were overflowing. "I'm sorry."

"No apologies necessary, Ethan," said Charlie.

Zoe stroked Ethan's shoulder. "If you need any support with anything, we're here, okay? And I don't want to presume too much, but I'm a doctor, Ethan. I know your mother had Huntington's. And I know what that means for you and Cal."

Ethan tensed. He wanted to push Zoe away from him. He wanted to shout at her and Charlie to leave him alone.

"Charlie told me you haven't had the tests done yet," said Zoe. "If you need help with that, we're always here. Whenever you need us, you'll have our support." She squeezed Ethan's shoulder.

"Thank you," whispered Ethan, as more tears threatened to fill his eyes.

"Go home, Ethan." Charlie's voice was gentle. "Go home to Cal. He needs you – and you need him."

* * *

Milly linked arms with Kate as they left the café and made their way to the car park.

"Are you okay?" asked Milly.

"I'm fine." Kate managed a quick smile. "Sorry if I zoned out. I was just thinking about Noel. Hoping he's okay. He really was gutted that Honey didn't show up."

"I'm sure you cheered him up though," said Milly, patting Kate's arm.

"I hope I did cheer him up a little bit," said Kate. "I think it was better for him not to be on his own. But he wanted to see his daughter and having lunch with someone else couldn't really make up for that."

Milly gave her a comforting smile. "He did look much happier after he'd had lunch with you. You helped him and I'm proud of you."

"Oh, anyone would have done it," said Kate, slightly embarrassed. She changed the subject. "Now: I'm going to look and see if I got any phone calls from a certain someone this afternoon!" She got her phone out of her bag and switched it on. For the first couple of days, she'd kept her phone in her pocket on vibrate when she was working, but it wasn't really allowed and she thought she'd been in enough trouble already.

Milly watched the screen eagerly. "Come on, Nibbles! You know you want to!"

Kate gasped when a message flashed up saying she had a voicemail from an unrecognised number. "Oh my God… Do you think…"

"I think you'll never know who it's from if you don't listen to it," said Milly.

Kate felt butterflies in her stomach as she selected the option to listen to the voicemail. She knew it was silly to be nervous, but she couldn't help it. Nibbles was so lovely. She liked him so much and she wanted him to be part of her life.

" _Hey, hot stuff. Been thinking about you all day. Can't wait to get you to myself and tear those clothes from your fit little body and then get you up against my bedroom wall, your legs around my waist and-_ "

"What? Kate, what is it?" Milly was looking at her in concern. "Is it Nibbles?"

"I hope not," said Kate, in a rather nervous voice. "It doesn't sound like him, but I don't know who else it could be…"

"Is it obscene or something?" Milly probably didn't mean to sound so intrigued.

"You could say that." Kate listened some more, then she laughed in relief and deleted the message. "It's okay. It's a wrong number. He just mentioned a rather intimate piercing, which I definitely don't have, and even if I did, there's no way Nibbles would know about it!" She sighed. "I'm glad that wasn't Nibbles. Whoever he was, he's not my type! But I do wish Nibbles would call."

"I know," said Milly gently.

"But I'm trying not to let it upset me," said Kate, with determined cheerfulness. "I mean, how do I even know he's single? And we don't know where they live – they could have travelled a long way to visit the beach. And not forgetting, the lady he was with looked seriously ill. Nibbles probably has other things on his mind at the moment. And that's okay." She smiled. "It means he's a nice guy. Which is always something you hope for when you give your phone number to a complete stranger."

* * *

Cal was surprised to hear Ethan's key in the lock. He was sure it was much too early, but he didn't seem to have much concept of time at the moment. Five minutes could feel like five hours and vice-versa.

He wiped the tears from his cheeks and stood up. If Ethan had come home early, it could only mean something was wrong - and that meant he needed Cal.

Cal only wished he knew what to do. He was trying to respect Ethan's wishes by not talking about it, but he knew from experience that burying your head in the sand didn't really work. No matter what you did, the truth stayed with you. At every moment, it was there, like a little warning light that was never switched off. Or perhaps ticking like an egg timer: counting down the seconds to the day when the Huntington's took control.

Cal knew Ethan probably had years left, but they didn't know how many years it would be.

They wouldn't know until it was here; until it had already started attacking Ethan's body and taking everything he knew and loved away from him.

Ethan had clearly been shopping. Several carrier-bags sat on the floor and Ethan was slowly unpacking, arranging the items in groups on the work top rather than throwing everything randomly in cupboards as Cal usually did.

"Are you okay?" said Cal.

It was the stupidest question he could have asked, and yet it came out of his mouth every time he saw Ethan.

"Never better," said Ethan.

Ask a stupid question, get an equally stupid answer.

"Ethan… we do have to talk about it you know," said Cal.

Ethan turned to face him. "Cal, if you want to talk about Mum, I'm always here."

Cal's eyes filled with tears as they still did almost every time he thought of her. "And if you want to talk, _I'm_ always here," he said, hating the tremor in his voice. He was the big brother. He was supposed to be the strong one. He was the one who didn't have an incurable disease.

"I know," said Ethan. His voice was gentle and kind, but when Cal looked it into his eyes, he saw a flash of hopelessness and terror.

"Ethan…" Cal moved towards him, arms outstretched, tears overflowing.

Ethan put his arms around him and held him tightly. "It's okay, Cal. It's okay. I'm here."

"I'm here too," sobbed Cal. "I'll always be here, Ethan. Always."

Ethan's laugh was brittle. His words were a desperate attempt at lightness. "And here's me hoping you'd eventually move out and get your own place."

"Ethan!" A sharp pain stabbed at Cal's heart. "Don't you get it? I want to support you."

He felt Ethan's body tense. "I know you do, Cal." His voice was rough with emotion. "And did you ever think how that makes me feel?"

"Safe?" said Cal. "Protected?"

"Useless!" hissed Ethan as his eyes filled with tears. "I know I'm going to spend most of my life feeling useless, but I don't want to feel like this before I have to." He took a couple of ragged breaths, removing his glasses as he wiped desperately at his eyes. "Please, Cal. Please let me be normal while I still can be."


	7. Chapter 7

_Thank you for all the reviews! I'm so glad you like my story. I might have said this is the chapter where Kate and Ethan meet. I'm afraid they won't meet till Chapter 8, but things do take a significant step towards that moment in this chapter. I hope the part about the funeral is convincing._

 **Gillian Kearney Fan** , thank you for your review. This chapter will be very difficult for Cal and Ethan too.

 **Lara (Guest)** , I'm glad you like the fast updates. Alicia, Noel and Honey will all be mentioned in the next couple of chapters. I'm glad you liked the voicemail - it definitely isn't the kind of thing Ethan might send! Thank you for your review.

 **tracys dream** , thank you for your review. I love Cal and Ethan living together - I'm always disappointed when Ethan kicks him out!

 **TheHesitantAlien** , thank you for your review. I love it when readers ramble! Kate and Nibbles will meet again very soon and a new boss for Kate would definitely be in her best interests. Thank you for saying I captured the characters perfectly.

 **ETWentHome** , they do both really need each other. I do love their protective instincts, but they always seem to forget about themselves. Especially Ethan. I've got a feeling he might be the same in tomorrow's episode. Thank you for your review.

 **X-Sammii-X** , Cal and Ethan are opposites in many ways, but one trait they share is a reluctance to accept help. That's an interesting idea about the voicemail. Thank you for your review - I'm so glad you're enjoying it.

 **CBloom2** , thank you for your review. I'm so glad you're enjoying it. I think it's going to be even more heartbreaking tomorrow night!

 **LittleBritishPerson** , I don't envy Zoe - she wants to support Ethan and give him what he wants and it's not easy for the ED to be two doctors down, but she has to consider what's best for the patients. Not an easy call! Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , it does sound like the sort of voicemail Cal would send, but I agree that even if he did manage to memorise Kate's number before Ethan destroyed it, he's not in the right mood. Thank you for your review. I like puzzling my readers!

 **20BlueRoses** , there is a difference from being 'looked-after' and 'supported' (and 'smothered'!), but I agree they're not in any state to tell the difference. I love your rambling! I agree Ethan wouldn't like it if Cal found Kate for him. Thank you for your review.

* * *

Cal sat, his head bowed, as the tears flowed down his face. Beside him, Ethan felt tears sting his eyes as emotion caught in throat, but he knew he had to stay strong for Cal.

Not many people had come to the funeral. Ethan wasn't sure if he was grateful there weren't crowds of onlookers, curious about the two sons who had suddenly appeared within weeks of Emilie's death, or sad that more people hadn't known and loved his mother. Charlie was the only other person from the ED at the funeral, though their other colleagues had sent flowers and cards and done everything they could to support the brothers.

The celebrant had given a very moving speech about Emilie's life. Much of it, Ethan hadn't known about and he felt guilty for that. If only he'd got to know Emilie sooner…

Ethan felt a tear escape. He quickly brushed it away.

The celebrant paused for a moment, looking around at the congregation, and then said Emilie's son Caleb would like to say a few words.

Cal was crying quietly into his hands and didn't look capable of saying anything. Ethan put his arm around him. "Go on. You can do this."

"I can't," sobbed Cal.

"I know you can," said Ethan. "You can do this for Mum. I'll go with you if you like."

Cal gave Ethan a look of pure gratitude. He handed Ethan a piece of paper. "My notes…"

"If there's anything you can't say, I'll be here."

"Thanks, Ethan," whispered Cal. He picked up the tissue that was resting on his lap and took a moment to dry his tears and compose himself. Then he looked at Ethan. "I'm ready."

Together, they stood up and walked to the front of the church.

Cal opened his mouth, but no sound came out. Ethan glanced at the paper and began to tell the story of how they'd met Emilie, leaving out the story of Cal's 'daughter' Matilda and the paternity test and skipping over the fact that they hadn't traced Emilie by the usual methods. Ethan hated leaving Matilda out, but the service was for Emilie. Ethan wanted everyone to be thinking about Emilie and not about the complicated lives of her sons.

After a couple of minutes, Cal gave Ethan the smallest nudge. Ethan brought what he was saying to a close and let Cal take up the story. Cal shed more tears as he told the congregation of the time he'd spent looking after Emilie and Ethan lowered his eyes, ashamed that he hadn't been there for his brother and mother at that time.

When it came to describing the day on the beach – Emilie's last day – Cal choked up again and Ethan took over, leaving out the part about the test results. He couldn't talk about that. Finally, Cal recovered enough to conclude his speech, trying to sum up in just a few words how courageously Emilie had faced her illness and how lovingly she'd welcomed her sons into her life.

Ethan felt a wave of exhaustion as the two men returned to their seats. He sat beside Cal and tried not to think about the frightening reality that lay ahead of him.

One day, Cal would have another funeral to arrange.

Ethan's funeral.

* * *

Kate was close to tears. "I can't believe her, Milly. First she thinks I was putting the moves on Noel - I mean, the guy's old enough to be my dad! – and now I spend five minutes helping a dyslexic boy with the menu and she thinks I'm making a move on him too! He was about fourteen! And what does she mean, my dress is too short? It's almost down to my knees!"

Milly stroked her arm soothingly. "She's just being her usual bitchy self. You did nothing wrong, Kate."

"I don't know if I can do this anymore, Milly!" A tear ran down Kate's cheek. "She hates me. There's no way she's going to let me continue working here and I've got any chance of getting a good reference from her. I might as well just quit now."

Milly hugged her tightly. "Kate. Come on, sweetheart. Don't talk like that. I know Judy's a bitch, but you love it here."

"I do love working with you and the others," said Kate. "I love the area. I love the regular customers. I love the irregular customers too: just getting to see into a small part of their lives for the short time they're here."

"Then don't make any big decisions now," said Milly. "Not when you're upset. You've had a really horrible week, but you know it's not usually this bad."

"And Nibbles hasn't phoned me," said Kate. "I really believed he would, you know?"

"I know," said Milly, as she stroked Kate's hair. "I thought he would too. I'm sorry about how that turned out. I shouldn't have encouraged you so much."

"It's not your fault," whispered Kate. She sat up, wiped her eyes and tried to speak calmly. "Maybe you're right. Maybe next week will be better."

Milly smiled. "I'm sure it will be. And I know just the way to cheer you up. We're both off tomorrow, so how about we have an adventure?"

"An adventure?" said Kate doubtfully. "Don't we get enough of those at work?"

"This is a _fun_ adventure," said Milly. "We'll do all the things we usually do, but we'll go and do them somewhere we've never been before. We'll go shopping in the afternoon, go to see a film, have dinner somewhere really posh and then go clubbing."

Kate laughed shakily. "I definitely can't quit if I'm going to spend that much money!"

"So don't quit," said Milly. "Come out with me and have some fun. See if you can find someone even better than Nibbles."

"I don't know if there is anyone better than Nibbles," said Kate.

Milly gave her a hug. "They'll all seem better than Nibbles once you've got a few drinks inside you!"

* * *

The following evening seemed too soon to return to work, but Cal wasn't sure the next day would be any easier. He and Ethan got ready almost in silence. Cal noticed that Ethan's eyes were red again. It worried Cal that, while he'd cried in Ethan's arms on numerous occasions, Ethan had never come to him for comfort, even though he had greater need of it.

At the door, Ethan stopped Cal, gently turning him to face him. "Are you sure you're ready to go back, Cal?"

"I'm sure," said Cal. He was still devastated and there was a pain inside him which he thought would never ease, but the funeral, in some ways, had calmed him. Grief remained heavy on his chest, but at least the tears had stopped.

Ethan nodded. "Okay. But if it gets too much, don't forget you can take a break."

"Don't you forget either," said Cal seriously. "She was your mum too."

Ethan gave half a smile. "I'll be fine. But I won't forget." He surprised Cal with a hug.

Cal hugged him back. It made him feel slightly stronger to know his brother was there.

He could only hope he had the same effect on Ethan.

* * *

"Let's go in here!" said Milly, grabbing Kate's arm and dragging her towards a pub. It looked crowded and Kate wasn't sure there would be room for her, Milly, and all their shopping bags, but she wasn't going to waste her breath by trying to talk Milly out of it.

They went inside and were immediately hit by a rush of warmth, along with the inevitable noise. Kate smiled: this was the kind of pub atmosphere she liked. Happy but not rowdy.

"You see if you can find some seats and I'll get the drinks," said Milly.

Kate nodded and started looking for a place to sit. When someone called her name, she ignored it. After all, 'Kate' was a common name and it could be cocktail party syndrome anyway. It wasn't until someone touched her arm that it occurred to her it might be someone she knew.

"Kate?" The girl smiled. "I thought it was you. Lovely to see you again!"

"Alicia!" Kate smiled back with genuine pleasure. "How are you? Are you all better now?"

"Completely, I'm glad to say," said Alicia. "Thanks for looking after me. I really did feel awful and you helped a lot. Are you here on your own?"

"No, I'm here with my friend Milly. We decided to go somewhere completely new for the evening and see what happened!"

Alicia laughed. "I'd be careful if I were you. You wouldn't believe some of the things that happen in Holby. I used to work at Holby City Hospital so I should know! I'm here with my friend Louise, who's a nurse at the hospital. If you and Milly would like to join us, you're more than welcome!"

Kate liked this idea very much. Alicia introduced her to Louise, who was very beautiful with short dark hair and legs to die for. Kate thought she seemed very pleasant, but she had a feeling that getting on the wrong side of Louise would be a very bad idea.

When Milly had got the drinks, she was delighted to find Kate had met some friends and the four girls chatted happily until Louise looked over Kate's shoulder and her lip curled with dislike

"I don't believe it!" she said. "So she can't be bothered to drive thirty miles or so to see her dad, but she can manage to come twice the distance for a night out? Oh great: she's coming over. I'd better finish my drink before it ends up poured all over her pretty little head."

She'd hardly finished speaking before Kate heard someone squeal Alicia's and Louise's names, and they were joined by a very pretty girl with long, curly hair, lots of make-up and not many clothes. "Alicia, what are you doing back here?" she said, smiling tipsily as she staggered over to them, a large drink in her hand.

"We would have asked you the same if we cared enough to ask," said Louise, her words reaching Kate's ears but luckily not the newcomer's.

Alicia gave the girl a bright smile. "It's lovely to see you, Honey. What a lovely surprise!""

"Yeah. You too," said Honey vaguely. She smiled at Kate and Milly. "Hey. I'm Honey. Shove up a bit, will you, so I can sit down."


	8. Chapter 8

**Bonnie Sveen Fan** , Ethan might not start showing symptoms for ten years or more and I don't think the story will go on that long. I just hope they won't kill him on Casualty! Honey will reveal quite a lot about herself. Thank you for your review.

 **X-Sammii-X** , I think you're right about Cal and Ethan being glad of the support, but they both feel the other one deserves it more. It's very sweet, but it's not helping either of them! Louise isn't happy at all! Thank you for your review.

 **tracys dream** , I love it when Cal and Ethan are there for each other too. But it needs to happen more often! Thank you for your review.

 **LittleBritishPerson** , thank you for your review. It must be really difficult for Cal and Ethan thinking how Ethan's life is likely to progress from here. I'm glad you're enjoying the story.

 **ETWentHome** , Ethan can't say strong forever - I just hope he'll feel able to go to Cal when it does get too much. I think a big part of the reason why we read fanfiction is to read about characters we know, so I'm glad I worked out a way of including them. Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. Maybe there is more to Judy than just bitchiness - I think most people who are horrible probably do it because they were hurt themselves. I think the reason Cal is more emotional is because he lets himself feel every emotion, but Ethan (wrongly) feels like he has to hold back.

* * *

Kate hoped the awkwardness she was feeling didn't show on her face. Sitting next to Honey just days after having lunch with her father was surreal. And who would have guessed that Alicia and Honey were friends?

"How's Ethan?" said Honey. "I heard his mum died? Weird. I thought she died years ago."

Louise spoke coldly. "He's adopted, Honey. First he lost his adoptive mum, then his biological mum. Okay?"

Honey looked affronted. "He never told me he was adopted."

"That's probably because you're a-"

"He probably didn't know when you were together," cut in Alicia swiftly.

"How is he?" said Honey. "Is he like, upset and stuff?"

"I haven't asked," said Louise. " _I_ tend not to ask things that are none of my business." She turned to Kate. "Do you have a boyfriend?"

Kate smiled and shook her head. "Not at the moment."

"She did give her number to this guy," said Milly, "but he hasn't phoned back yet. And there's this other guy who keeps leaving her filthy voicemails."

"Oh, they're not for me," said Kate quickly. "But he keeps sending them and I don't really like to phone up a complete stranger and tell him he's sending his flirtatious voicemails to the wrong girl. Can you imagine how embarrassed he'd be?"

Louise laughed suddenly. "Alicia, did I tell you about that text Iain sent Robyn at Christmas?"

"I don't think so," said Alicia.

Louise went into great detail about what the text contained.

"Poor Robyn," said Alicia, with feeling.

Honey looked incredulous. "Poor Robyn? I'd kill for a text like that! The only time I ever got a sext from Ethan was when his brother borrowed his phone."

Alicia laughed. "Our resident knight in shining armour hasn't changed then. So who was Iain's text really for?"

"Rita," said Louise.

Alicia gasped and Honey screeched.

"Oh my God!" said Alicia in delight. "Rita and Iain! I had no idea."

"I knew," said Honey smugly. "I saw it in the tea leaves."

"Honey, how about next time you 'see' something in the tea leaves, you tell us before it happens instead of after?" said Louise. "Because telling us after doesn't really count, does it? It just makes you look like a silly little girl telling lies to get attention."

Honey stared at her in disbelief. Then she picked up her drink and threw it over Louise.

"You little…" Louise threw her own drink at Honey, who screamed and clambered onto the table.

Alicia spoke authoritatively. "Honey, get down now."

"Come up here and show me what you're made of, Louise!" said Honey.

Kate exchanged a glance with Milly. It was clear Honey had had far too much to drink.

"Coward!" taunted Honey, when Louise stayed where she was.

"Who are you calling a-" A moment later, Louise was on the table too. Kate made a grab for her phone, having already rescued her drink, but Honey tottered backwards, stepping down hard on Kate's hand.

"Please, Honey, get off!" begged Kate, tears of pain in her eyes.

Milly grabbed Honey's foot and lifted it off Kate's hand. Honey kicked free, catching Milly in the face with her foot before losing her balance. Honey clutched at Louise for support and they both fell off the table. Kate heard two thumps and a horrible crack.

Alicia looked shocked, but then she gave Milly a tissue and spoke calmly. "Use this to catch the blood, Milly. Head forward and don't blow your nose. Kate, take your rings off your injured hand, then hold your wrist up by your shoulder and support it with your other hand like this. That's good. Don't worry: it's going to be okay."

* * *

Zoe stopped Ethan on his way of a cubicle. "Ethan, we've got incoming. Drunken incident in a pub involving five girls. Are you up for it?"

"Excuse me?" said Ethan. He decided he hadn't quite understood. He wasn't really with it today.

Zoe would probably have snapped at anyone else, but not Ethan. "There are a couple of ambulances on the way with five girls who were involved in some sort of drunken brawl. Are you happy to help treat them or would you rather stay out of it for today?"

Ethan tried to hide his annoyance. He knew Zoe was only trying to support a bereaved colleague. "No, not at all. I'll be delighted to help."

"Great: they'll be here soon, so come with me."

Cal arrived just as the doors burst open. He looked like he'd been crying. "Are you okay?" he asked anxiously.

"I might ask the same of you!" retorted Ethan, but there wasn't time for anything else.

"This is Honey Wright, aged twenty-one," he heard one of the paramedics say to Zoe.

"Honey?" said Ethan, startled. "Oh my goodness. Has someone told Noel?

A girl who was helping with the trolley spoke over her shoulder. "I rang him, Ethan. He's on his way."

"Alicia?" gasped Ethan. He hadn't realised Alicia was back in the department - though she wasn't dressed for work.

A second trolley followed quickly. "This is Louise Tyler," the paramedics were telling Dylan.

Cal's hands were in his hair. "Oh my God."

"Are you okay?" said Ethan, though he was no less shocked than Cal.

"Yeah. Fine." There were two wheelchairs behind the trolleys. Ethan's heart ached with loss as he remembered the last time he'd looked after someone in a wheelchair.

He hoped Cal wouldn't be similarly affected, but he seemed calm as he walked over to the first wheelchair and greeted Jez.

"Hi, Cal. This is Milly Walsh, aged twenty-eight…"

Ethan searched his mind, relieved to find he didn't know Milly, though it was possible Cal did. Cal knew so many girls.

He went to join Iain, who was pushing the last wheelchair. "Ethan, this is Katherine Daniels, aged twenty-four…"

Ethan noted the name with relief. He didn't know any girls called Katherine. It was easy to work that out as he knew so few girls: just current and former work colleagues and… a girl he was determined not to think about. He listened to Iain's handover, his eyes on the paramedic. He wasn't surprised when the patient gasped. She had several suspected fractures to her hand and was in severe pain.

But then she spoke. "Oh my God! Nibbles!"

He looked down at her and his heart twisted. "Kate…"

* * *

"I know you, don't I?" said Milly, as Cal bent to examine her nose.

Cal gave an inward sigh. This happened to him in a fairly regular basis, but he didn't want to deal with it tonight. It was only a day since the funeral and according to Robyn, Ethan was struggling even more than he'd thought. Robyn had thought long and hard before telling Cal about Ethan's breakdown in Resus, but he was glad she had.

He'd speak to Ethan later, but for now Cal had to treat yet another girl he'd failed to call – and one with a pretty long memory too as there had been almost no-one since Taylor.

"You came to our café," said Milly, who'd been quite cheerful once Cal had assured her that her friends were all being well-looked-after.

 _And we got talking and I took you home with me?_ guessed Cal. _Or did we do it in the walk-in freezer?_

"You were there with a guy called Nibbles and a lady in a wheelchair," said Milly. "You saved her from choking."

Cal's hands dropped to his sides. He couldn't deal with this. He couldn't.

"My friend Kate gave Nibbles her number," said Milly. "But he didn't call."

"It is up to Nibbles who he calls," muttered Cal. Then he realised something else. "You said your friend Kate was in the wheelchair behind you. Is that the same Kate?"

Milly nodded. "I think you said she was with Dr Hardy."

"Yes. Dr Hardy. My brother Ethan," said Cal. He didn't know what to do. "Otherwise known as Nibbles."

* * *

Kate didn't know what to say. Nibbles was holding her hand so gently. He felt it carefully, apologising whenever she showed signs of pain. He looked so guilty every time he hurt her, but her hand hurt a lot and she was worried about Milly, Louise and Honey, and in the end, she couldn't help crying a little bit.

"I'm sorry," said Nibbles, offering her a tissue. He looked upset. "I've finished now. I'll need to send you for an x-ray and probably splint it for you later, but I shouldn't have to hurt you anymore."

 _Except by not phoning me_ , Kate thought as she wiped her eyes. Then she decided she was being unfair, and smiled at him. "Thank you, Dr Hardy. You didn't hurt me really. I'm just a bit shocked and worried about my friends."

"Of course," said Nibbles understandingly. "I'll see if I can find out any news for you when I'm arranging the x-ray. Just to check: you say you have no pain anywhere else?"

"No. I wasn't really involved in the fight," said Kate. "I just got in the way." She remembered the crack she'd heard as Honey and Louise had fallen and her eyes filled with tears again.

Nibbles' voice was kind. "Are you're sure there's no-one I can call for you?"

"No-one who's got a chance of arriving before I'm discharged," said Kate. "But Alicia said Milly wasn't too badly hurt, so we'll be able to look after each other."

"Okay." Nibbles stood up and Kate realised he was about to leave.

"Nibbles?" she said.

"Um, it's Ethan."

"Ethan," said Kate, and stopped. She'd heard that name before. Recently.

At the pub.

Nibbles was Honey's ex-boyfriend. The guy she'd broken up with just before she'd left Holby. The guy who'd lost his biological mother recently. The guy who'd visited Kate's café with a woman who seemed very ill.

She must have been his mother.

"Ethan, I was wondering..."

Ethan dropped her file. It fell to the floor with a thump and several pages came out. A look of terror came to his face.

"Are you okay?" said Kate.

Ethan was backing away. "Of course. Never been better. I… you need an x-ray. I'm just going to…" He hurried out of the cubicle, leaving the dropped file on the floor.


	9. Chapter 9

_I'm so happy you're still reading this. I hope Ethan isn't too OOC. Or Cal, for that matter!_

 **X-Sammii-X** , I liked Honey at first, though I never really felt Honey was right for Ethan, but she did turn out to be a brat! And she's a brat in most of my stories. Cal is overthinking. A girl said she knew him and he jumped to the 'obvious' conclusion! Thank you for your review.

 **corriemad.2202** , thank you so much! I'm so glad you're enjoying the story. I had to get Kate to the hospital somehow because Ethan was never going to call! Thank you for your review.

 **CBloom2** , you could be right about it being too much for Ethan. He has so much to deal with. Wasn't last night heartbreaking? I just wanted to give him the biggest hug, which he'd hate! Thank you for your review.

 **ETWentHome** , thank you for your review. It's so hard for both of them. Kate's being treated by the guy who effectively rejected her and he's finally found a girl who likes him back, but he can't be with her, or so he thinks.

 **LittleBritishPerson** , it would probably have been more realistic for her to read 'Ethan' on his name-badge as soon as she saw him, but I thought this way would be more interesting - I'm glad you liked the way I wrote it! Thank you for your review.

 **20BlueRoses** , I think you might be right about Ethan. He needed so much help with Honey, and she couldn't have made it more obvious! And now, as you say, he has other things to think about. I suppose Louise isn't often in the right! Thank you for your review.

* * *

Ethan hurried over to Zoe and said the words quickly before he could lose his nerve. "Zoe, I'm ever so sorry, but I need a break. Please could you discharge the patient in Cubicle Six for me?"

Zoe looked concerned, but he knew at once what her answer would be. "I'm really sorry, Ethan, but Noel's in the relatives' room and I need to update him on Honey's condition. I'm sure he'll have questions and he probably needs a friend... he still hasn't sorted things with Big Mac."

"How is Honey?" asked Ethan. He'd forgotten she was even here.

"She has a skull fracture, but we don't think it's serious," said Zoe. "We'll be keeping her in for observation, of course. I have to go, Ethan. I'm sorry." She called back to him over her shoulder. "See if you can find Cal."

Ethan watched her go with helpless anger, but it was himself he was angry with, not Zoe. He couldn't ask Cal to discharge Kate. If Cal knew Kate was here, there was no telling what he might do.

Cal meant well, but he didn't seem to have grasped what Ethan's diagnosis actually _meant_.

Ethan stayed where he was, his breathing quick and painful. He couldn't ask Dylan or Lily. They wouldn't understand why he couldn't discharge the patient now and take a break afterwards. He either had to wait until Zoe was free, which could be a while, or he would have to do it himself.

He closed his eyes and an image of Kate came to his mind.

She was so beautiful. So warm and kind.

He tried not to think about her hand her felt in his. It looked small and fragile, but Ethan had felt the strength in it. He had the feeling that, if she hadn't been injured, he'd have been tempted to close his hand around hers and hold on tightly. If only he had a hand like Kate's to hold on to for the rest of his life. Someone to support him. To love him.

But that was something he could never have.

Ethan felt wetness on his cheek. He reached up and wiped the tear away.

He had a job to do.

There was no time for self-pity.

* * *

"So, with the greatest regret, I'm going to discharge you," said Cal. "Obviously, you'll need to take the precautions we've discussed over the next few hours to allow the blood to clot and get as much rest as you can. Go straight home, go to bed and take things a bit easy tomorrow."

"But I'll be okay to look after Kate?" said Milly, anxiety in her eyes.

"As long as you don't try carrying her about," said Cal, with a smile. "If she's over twenty kilograms or so, I think that would count as strenuous activity. But don't forget you're injured too. Otherwise, you might find yourself back here and then I might start thinking you like me or something."

Milly smiled too. "We couldn't have that, could we?"

Cal felt a surge of desire as he looked at her. Bright blue eyes that made him want to look into them and keep looking. Light brown hair that tumbled in waves around her shoulders. Perfect for running his fingers through. And a mouth that was meant to be kissed, again and again.

He was fairly sure now that they hadn't met before. There was definitely a part of him (and not just _that_ part) that wanted to remedy the situation of not having kissed her, but Cal didn't want a one-night stand and this was not a good time to begin a relationship.

It was good to flirt again; to pretend that his life hadn't changed. To pretend that Ethan's hadn't. But it couldn't go any further than flirting.

He had other priorities.

How could Cal go off and enjoy himself when this might be the night Ethan finally realised he needed him?

"Is it okay if I wait in the waiting room for my friends?" asked Milly.

Cal dragged himself back to the present. "Yes, of course," he said. "I can't promise that Louise and Honey will be discharged tonight, but you're welcome to wait as long as you like." He winked. "I'll try not to get it into my head that you're really waiting around to see me."

"You'd better not! I wouldn't want you to be disappointed." Milly smiled and got to her feet.

He watched her putting her coat on, her movements fluid and graceful. Once her coat was on, she pulled her hair out of the back of it and ran her hands through it, trying to create more volume. Cal knew it was an unconscious gesture and not for his benefit. He could tell her thoughts were far away.

Cal opened the curtain for her and stepped back, allowing her to go through first. He felt slightly sad, but he knew he'd made the right choice. Perhaps, in time, there would be other girls, but not yet.

* * *

Ethan stopped outside the cubicle and heaved a silent sigh. The thought of seeing Kate again caused a physical pain inside him, but he'd either have to discharge her himself or explain why she'd breached.

Her x-ray had come back some time ago and he should have given her the results along with her prescription, but instead, he'd gone to fetch her tablets himself. He didn't want her wandering about all over the hospital. He didn't want to round a corner and see her unexpectedly. He just wanted her to go. Out of the hospital. Out of his life.

Out of his thoughts and dreams too, if he had any sense.

She probably didn't like him anyway. Not now she'd spoken to him. Not now she knew he couldn't even carry a file without dropping it.

Ethan walked into the cubicle, his eyes on the floor.

"Ethan?" said Kate softly.

He lifted his head slightly and saw she was holding out the file, a tentative look on her face. Ethan took it from her. He opened his mouth to thank her, but his hand shook and he nearly dropped the file again. She saw her hand tighten on the file until he was ready to take it. He stared down at it, hating himself. Hating his weakness.

"Are you okay?" asked Kate.

"Yes. Yes, of course," said Ethan sadly. "I'm going to discharge you now." He handed her a box. "Your painkillers. There are instructions that explain how to take them."

Kate looked surprised. "Don't you need to put my hand in a splint?"

"It's not broken," said Ethan. "There are contusions to the dorsum and metacarpophalangeal joint, but that's all. I was concerned there might be a fracture of the fifth proximal phalange, but the radiograph showed no significant damage."

"Oh," said Kate blankly. "Does that mean it's not serious?"

"No, not at all," said Ethan.

Kate looked worried.

"I mean yes," said Ethan. "I mean no. I mean… it's not serious."

There was a silence. Ethan reminded himself he'd always been useless in conversations with beautiful girls. It wasn't a sign his mind was failing him already.

Ethan just wanted her to go. "Wear the sling for three to five days. If the pain hasn't improved, go to your GP or your local hospital."

Kate hesitated. "I don't know how to put it on myself."

"I'll find a nurse," said Ethan shortly.

He would have done it for anyone else, but not for Kate. He couldn't touch her again. Even the thought of it made his breath catch in his throat. He wanted to touch her. He wanted to hold her. He wanted her to hold him.

But he could never let that happen.

Ethan turned to leave.

"Ethan?"

He stopped. Slowly, he turned. He focused his gaze somewhere above her head. "Was there something else?"

"I don't…" Kate began uncertainly, but then her chin came up and she faced him without fear. "Why didn't you call me?" Her voice was soft but clear. And so sweet.

He felt searing pain. "Because…" _Because I have an incurable degenerative disease. Because there would be a 50% chance of passing it on to any children we have. Because you could theoretically have to spend fifty years caring for me. Because that's not the life I want you to have._ "Because I didn't want to."

Kate recoiled from the coldness in his voice. She let go of her uninjured hand and both fell to her lap. "You didn't want to?" she whispered.

 _Of course I wanted to…_

Ethan realised he'd taken a step towards her. He needed to stop this before his resistance crumbled. "Kate, I work with some of the top doctors in the country. Do you honestly think I'd look twice at a girl who works in a café?"

She flinched. "Honey was a barista," she whispered.

"And I'm sure she told you how much of a success that was," said Ethan. "I need a girl on my wavelength. On my intelligence level. If you had half the intelligence you'd need to be my girlfriend, you'd have figured that out for yourself!"

He kept his gaze on her chin, not wanting to see the pain he was sure would be in her eyes. Even if she didn't want him anymore, this would hurt, but it had to hurt. He needed to ensure that she never came back. She mustn't be left with any lingering feelings for him. She had to put him out of her mind for good and find someone who would make her happy.

"Just go," said Ethan. "Stop wasting your time and mine. I'm not interested; I never was and how you ever thought I would be is beyond me."

"But… but you looked at me," said Kate brokenly.

Ethan tried to shrug his shoulders, but he couldn't do it. His body felt frozen, yet brittle. It wouldn't take much for him to break apart. "I'll look at any woman once. How else will I know if I'm interested? If you didn't get the message before, I'm not interested in you. I never was and I never will be." His voice was bleak, but he didn't doubt the words would sting. Yet they kept coming. "Has the penny dropped finally or would you like me to tell you again?"


	10. Chapter 10

**Lara (Guest)** , thank you for your review. I'm really glad you think it isn't too OOC. Ethan would never normally do that, but he thinks he's doing the right thing.

 **20BlueRoses** , I agree Kate would much rather know the truth, no matter how painful it is, but Ethan isn't thinking as clearly as we are. It's so good to know you feel sorry for him, even when he's being so cruel. I really like your point that the disease is taking things from him already - I hadn't thought of that, but you're right. Thank you for your review.

 **ETWentHome** , I'm so glad you can see what I'm aiming for with Cal and Ethan's behaviour. I agree with you that Kate needs to find out the real reason for Ethan's behaviour, but I'm not sure how yet. Thank you for your review.

 **Gillian Kearney Fan** , thank you for your review and for making clear you're disappointed in Ethan and not me. It is a bit scary making nice characters do bad things!

 **CBloom2** , I'm glad you like Kate. Ethan was very harsh! I think Ethan will always do what he thinks is best for other people, but he's so upset and shocked, he can't think straight and he's got it wrong. Thank you for your review.

 **LittleBritishPerson** , thank you for your review and I'm so relieved you can imagine Ethan doing this. I always planned for him to hurt Kate, but the episode made me feel I could take things a little bit further.

 **tracys dream** , thank you for your review. I really am so happy you think it's a good story and I'm glad you have sympathy with Ethan.

 **Tanith Panic** , don't worry. It's easy to miss a chapter sometimes. I'm so glad you liked it - I thought the cat fight was a mess! Looks like I'm wrong again! Ethan did mess up, but I'll try to sort things out! Thank you for your review.

 _Thank you to **rhibee4** for the follow._

* * *

Kate sat alone in the cubicle, dabbing desperately at her tears, trying to stop crying before the nurse arrived to help her with her sling. Ethan would probably laugh if he could see her now. She didn't know how she'd ever imagined he was kind.

He was cruel. Horrible.

Heartless.

And yet a part of Kate didn't believe that. He'd said the words, but he'd seemed far more upset than disgusted or angry.

 _Stupid, blind, lovesick idiot!_ She told herself as she tried not to sob out loud. So stupid and so blind, she hadn't even been able to see he wasn't interested.

A part of her didn't believe that either.

 _Wishful thinking!_ she told herself as she wiped her eyes again. _That's all it is._

A hand touched her arm and for one incredible microsecond, she thought it was actually Ethan, but of course it wasn't. It was a very pretty nurse with red hair. "Hey, sweetheart." She gave Kate a hug. "Don't cry. I'm Robyn."

"I'm Kate." Kate sniffed. "I'm sorry. I'm being stupid."

"You're not stupid," said Robyn. "It's always upsetting coming to hospital. Is there anyone with you?"

"My friend should be in the waiting room," said Kate. She wiped her eyes and realised the tissue she was using was probably the one Ethan had given her. She remembered the look in his eyes as he'd held it out to her. He'd looked so kind and concerned.

But probably not as though he was interested.

"Here." Robyn held out a fresh tissue and threw the used one away. She waited while Kate wiped her eyes and nose. It was slightly clumsy with her left hand, but she could manage. Work would be more difficult, but she wasn't due back until the day after tomorrow. Perhaps her hand would have stopped hurting by then.

Robyn took Kate's injured hand gently in hers and put it onto her opposite shoulder. Gently and deftly, she manoeuvred Kate's arm into the sling, tying it at the neck and twisting and tucking in the tip by Kate's elbow. "There you are, Kate. Keep it on for a day or two and see how you do."

Kate couldn't bring herself to say that Dr Hardy had said three to five days. That would involve saying his name. "Thanks, Robyn."

Robyn smiled. "Oh, that's okay. Come on, sweetheart. I'll take you back to the waiting room."

"That's kind of you, but you don't have to," said Kate. "I don't want to take you away from your work."

"This is part of my work," said Robyn. "Besides, Dr Hardy told me to look after you and I've got to do what he says, haven't I?"

Kate knew it was more likely Ethan wanted her escorted off the premises, but there was no awkwardness or embarrassment in Robyn's smile; no sense that she was covering up for Ethan.

Perhaps she really believed Ethan was kind. And if so, wasn't it most likely she was right? She knew Ethan better than Kate did.

 _But perhaps Robyn has never thrown himself at Ethan and been rejected_ , thought Kate.

When they arrived at the waiting room, Milly rushed over to hug Kate, careful of her arm. "Kate, are you okay?"

"I'm fine," said Kate, trying to fight back more tears. "I'm sorry. I just want to go home." Her voice wobbled at the end and she felt Milly's arms tighten.

"Of course we can go home." Milly stroked Kate's hair. "We'll go right now."

Alicia came to join them and gave Kate a hug too. "I'm so sorry you got caught up in all of this. I think you're right: you should go home and rest. Milly gave me your number and I've texted you so you've got mine too. I hope we can meet up again soon."

At any other time, Kate would have been pleased, but all she could think of now was that Alicia knew Ethan. "That sounds lovely, Alicia. I hope we can. I'm so sorry: I should have asked before. How are Honey and Louise?"

"Honey has a head injury," said Alicia. "It doesn't sound too serious, but she'll be kept in at least until morning. Louise has a broken leg, but it's not as serious a fracture as it could have been. Rita - that's her boss - is treating her, so I'm sure Louise is giving her hell - and enjoying it!"

"Poor Louise," said Kate with feeling. "I'm sorry she's so badly hurt." She didn't think she knew any of them well enough to say that Louise was provoked, but she hoped Alicia would get the message.

Alicia nodded. "She shouldn't let Honey get to her, but you've seen what Honey's like after a few drinks! Thanks for asking after them. They'll be pleased."

Robyn touched Kate's arm. "Why don't you sit down for a bit and I'll order you a taxi?"

"Oh, no, there's no need," said Kate. "Thank you, but we'll be fine."

Robyn smiled. "Dr Hardy's orders. He wanted to make sure you got back to the station safely. By the way, you won't have to pay anything. Dr Hardy's taken care of that."

Kate felt a rush of gratitude at his kindness. Then she just felt confused.

"Aw, isn't that just like Ethan?" said Alicia. "He's adorable. I can't think why Honey broke up with him."

Robyn smiled. "Neither can I! I'll just be a minute."

"Will you be okay if we go?" Kate asked Alicia. "You must be so worried. You shouldn't be on your own."

Alicia smiled and patted her shoulder. "I'll be fine. I'll go and find Honey's dad; we can keep each other company."

* * *

Dylan was almost running towards Cal, a look on his face that was close to panic.

"What's wrong?" said Cal, startled.

"I think you should go to the staff room. Now."

"What for?" said Cal, but there was an ominous prickling at the back of his neck, and he didn't think it was because Max was standing behind him, playing some ridiculous joke on him.

"Ethan," said Dylan. "He's… I think he's rather upset."

Cal didn't wait around for details.

He ran for the staff room, nearly knocking over a couple of nurses on the way, and pushed opened the door.

The sight that met him almost made him wish he hadn't come. Not because he didn't want to help Ethan. But because he didn't believe he could.

Ethan was sitting on the floor, rocking back and forth. He was hugging his knees to his chest and resting his cheek on his knees. His face was wet with tears and they were still falling, running sideways across his face and over his nose. From his lips came a keening sort of sound, like an animal that had just discovered the loss of its baby.

"Oh, Ethan," whispered Cal, almost in tears, himself. "Oh, Nibbles…."

Ethan seemed to have no idea of his presence. He continued to rock and moan. Cal began to tremble. The way Ethan was rocking from side to side made him feel shivery and faint. He wondered if he was repulsed by the sight, but he quickly realised he wasn't. He was just horror-struck. Heartbroken. Terrified.

Cal realised he was staring, but he couldn't persuade himself to move at first. He wanted to turn and run; he wanted to wake up and find it was a dream; that he had the gene and not Ethan.

But he couldn't run. Not this time. Not from his little brother.

Cal was sobbing quietly as he walked towards Ethan. He knelt down beside him and wrapped his arms around him. It was strange, when Ethan's rocking had disturbed him so deeply, that he found himself rocking Ethan too. "I'm here, Nibbles. I've got you. I'm not leaving you."

Ethan didn't seem to hear, or even to know he was there.

"I know it's awful," said Cal, through his tears. "It's the most horrible thing that could have happened and I'm devastated. But I know it must be so much worse for you. I know there's nothing I can do. I know I can't take it away. If I could take the gene from you and have it myself, I would do that in a heartbeat. But I'm here and I will always be here. I'll look after you and I know you'll look after me too. That's what you always do and I know nothing will change that. You will always be Ethan. You will always be my baby brother who's actually more like a big brother a lot of the time. Nothing will ever take that away from me. Even if it seems like it has."

* * *

Kate and Milly sat in the taxi as it sped towards the station. Kate stared down into her lap, grateful for Milly's arms around her. She wanted to assure Milly she was okay, but she was shocked and confused and unable to process the events of the last few hours.

If only they hadn't come to Holby. If only.

No, that wasn't quite true. It had been good to see Alicia again and she liked Louise, even though she could be scary when annoyed. And Honey… she was very beautiful and it would be unfair to judge her on her behaviour when she'd had so much to drink.

"Kate, you don't have to tell me anything now," said Milly. "Or at all, though I hope you will. You know I'm here for you, don't you?"

Kate nodded and roused herself to speak. "Yes, of course, Milly. Thank you. But don't forget you're injured as well. I'm going to look after you too." She was going to stay at Milly's flat for the night. Milly had insisted and much as Kate wanted to be alone, she knew it would be better not to be.

Milly hugged her more tightly. "I don't suppose you'll be able to help yourself! But listen, Kate. You don't have to tell me anything, but I really hope you can answer one question for me. About Nibbles. Did he do anything to you that we should notify the police about?"

"No!" Kate was surprised to feel not only horror at Milly's words, but also hurt and anger. She swallowed it down: she knew she'd given Milly more than enough reason to worry. "Not at all. Nothing like that happened - and if it had, I'd have said something before we left."

She knew she would have been physically safe from Ethan even if she was one of the top doctors in the world.

But her heart… her heart was in pieces and only one doctor could put it back together.

And he never would.


	11. Chapter 11

**X-Sammii-X** , thank you for your reviews. I'm really grateful you reviewed at all. Writing can be difficult. I found this chapter a real struggle. Ethan rejected Kate because he's got the crazy idea that she'd be happier with someone healthy. Cal will always be Cal... he just hasn't had many reasons to joke lately. I like that you think Cal needs support too - and you're right. He's really suffering too. I'm glad you think Kate would be good for Ethan.

 **LittleBritishPerson** , I'm so happy you can picture everything in your head. I find dialogue so much easier than description so it's incredible to get a comment like that. Thank you! I'm sure Ethan feels terrible for hurting her, but he probably isn't planning on seeing her again. Though of course he will! Thank you for your review.

 **ETWentHome** , thank you for your review. It is really hard for Kate - it will always be hurtful to hear something like that, but I think it could be worse when there was so much evidence to suggest Ethan was really lovely. I'm glad Ethan's breakdown was convincing.

 **CBloom2** , thank you for your review. Kate is mixed up, which is probably harder than deciding Ethan is horrible, but I don't think it would be believable if she really thought lovely Ethan was horrible! Btw I read something about Saturday's episode if you're interested.

* * *

Kate and Milly, more by good luck than anything, were standing right by the doors when the train stopped. They stood aside to let a couple of passengers off and then climbed on carefully. They had been half-expecting to stand at least part of the way, but to Milly's delight and Kate's relief, they found two seats together.

After a brief argument about who should have the corner seat (Kate won the argument, which meant Milly got the seat), they sat down and Kate stared at the back of the seat in front, wondering how she was going to get through not only the train journey but the rest of the night. They'd already decided Kate would spend the night at Milly's and Kate wasn't about to change her mind when her friend had what could be considered a head injury (Nibbles would know, she couldn't help thinking), but all she really wanted was to be alone.

Milly reached across and touched Kate's hand. "Do you want to tell me what happened?"

Kate tried to keep her voice steady. "It's okay. I'm fine. Nothing really happened."

"Okay. We won't talk about it now," said Milly. "Or ever, if you don't want to. It's just…" She glanced at Kate, her face concerned, but then she smiled quickly and patted her hand. "No. We won't talk about it now."

Kate smiled at her in gratitude, but as she returned her gaze to the back of the seat, she was aware of a deep loneliness. She didn't want to bother Milly with her problems, especially not when she was injured, but she was so confused. The Nibbles she'd met in the café and the Nibbles who'd worried about hurting her and paid for her taxi seemed to be one and the same. But the cruel Nibbles who'd rejected her because of her inferior intelligence… he seemed like a different guy altogether.

Was it all an act, then? Had Nibbles been embarrassed by his mum's condition? Impatient with Kate's tears of pain? Too disgusted with her to allow her to remain in the hospital for a moment longer?

It didn't seem right. It couldn't be right. Nibbles cared about his mum and his brother. She was sure of that.

So did that mean the rest of it was an act? Did he have some other reason for rejecting her?

That made even less sense. Why would anyone pretend to hate someone? Kate closed her eyes as exhaustion and misery began to overwhelm her.

She felt Milly squeezing her hand. She said nothing, but her kindness made Kate smile through her sadness. "I'm sorry, Milly. I'm ignoring you. How are you feeling? Are you okay?"

* * *

Cal didn't know how long he'd been sitting there. Ethan's moaning had changed to sobs, which Cal had thought was probably a sign that he was calming down, but it hadn't happened yet. Ethan hadn't resisted when Cal had pressed his face into his chest, but he'd made no response to Cal's presence, not even to hold on to him. His hands remained loosely clasped around his knees.

Cal stroked his hair and tried to resist the urge to kiss it. Ethan wasn't a little boy anymore and a kiss wouldn't make everything better. The very last thing Cal wanted was to treat him as a child; to show any signs that he saw Ethan as less than a man. He was distraught, but he was the same man he 'd been before the diagnosis and Cal didn't want him to forget it.

Cal jumped as someone spoke his name. He'd forgotten they were in the staff room and anyone might come in. He sniffed and brushed the tears from his cheeks, looking up into Zoe's concerned face.

"I think you should both go home," she said firmly, and Cal gazed at her in silent gratitude for putting him and Ethan in the same bracket. Two men who needed to go home.

Perhaps she saw no difference between them, but Cal knew that would have to change. Connie, at the very least, would have to know that Ethan had a degenerative illness.

Cal pulled slightly away from Ethan, lifting his face so he could look into his eyes. "Shall we go home, Ethan?"

Ethan didn't respond. Tears continued to stream from his eyes. Cal found an almost-clean tissue in his pocket and offered it to Ethan. Ethan didn't seem to see it. Cal wiped his eyes gently, then his nose, trying not to think that one day, he'd have to do this for Ethan every time.

Devastation hit Cal once more and he turned helplessly to Zoe, feeling like a child, himself. "I don't know what to do!"

Zoe had been looking as helpless as he felt, but as Cal began to cry, she knelt beside him, enveloping them both in a hug. "Cal, you're doing the right thing. It's going to take time, but you will get through this. Both of you. It's tough losing someone you love, especially when you had so little time together. But you can both get through this."

"Ethan's got it," sobbed Cal. His whole body seemed to collapse as he leaned against her shoulder, though he didn't let go of Ethan. "He's _got_ it, Zoe."

He felt Zoe's hand still on his back. She didn't speak for a moment or two as shock filled her face. "Oh, Cal. Oh, Ethan. I am so, so sorry." She hugged them more tightly. "I'm so sorry and we're all here for you. Does anyone else know? Charlie?"

"No-one else knows," wept Cal. "Ethan made me promise, but I can't do it on my own."

"And you don't have to," said Zoe, tears shining in her eyes. "We're all here. Cal, I'm not going to tell anyone yet unless you'd like me to. I will have to tell Connie, but I can hold off for a bit longer. I'm going to take you both home and then I'm afraid I'll have to come back here, but anytime you need me… if there's anything at all I can do…"

* * *

Kate blinked, dazzled, as the room was flooded with light.

Milly came towards her and sat down on the floor beside her. "Kate, you should have woken me up."

Kate quickly wiped her eyes and tried to smile. "I'm okay. I couldn't sleep. I decided to come in here and read."

"With the light off?" said Milly. "You're a clever girl, Kate, but I doubt even you could read in the dark."

This nearly made Kate lose control completely. Partly because she'd never lied to her friend before – other than the odd white lie to stop her from worrying – and she hated the fact she'd started now.

Partly because she wasn't clever at all by Ethan's reckoning.

Milly gave her a hug. Kate had taken her sling off to sleep and hadn't put it on again, but Milly was still careful of her hand. "Sweetheart, I don't know what he said to you, but he'd better watch out if he comes back to the café. I know where all the spices are kept and I'm not afraid to use them."

"It wasn't his fault," said Kate, then she wondered what she was doing. Why was she protecting him? "He was nice most of the time. It was only when I asked him why he hadn't called me…"

"What?" said Milly, when Kate didn't continue. "What did he say?"

Kate's eyes filled and she made one last, desperate attempt to keep the tears back. Rejections weren't unusual, after all, and Kate hardly knew Ethan. She'd met him twice. There was no reason to get so upset – and especially no reason to keep Milly out of bed. "He said he wasn't interested. That's all. And it's fine! He can't help not being interested. I'm glad he was honest with me. It was better than promising he'd phone soon and never doing it. That would have been much worse."

"Really?" said Milly doubtfully.

"Really," said Kate, as she blinked her tears away. "He did the right thing. He did."

* * *

"That's better, Ethan," said Cal, as Ethan's sobs finally started to die down. "That's better."

Ethan didn't know if it was better or not. He didn't feel like he was in a bubble anymore: cut off from Cal and his voice and his attempts to comfort him. He knew he'd cried, but the sounds he'd made hadn't seemed quite part of him. Cal's words had made no sense and neither had Zoe's. Cal's arms had felt like nothing.

Now they were home, he could feel all the pain, hitting him and slicing into him and battering him with every breath. He knew Cal was upset too. Although he made no sound, his shoulders shook in time with his sobs. Ethan held him tightly and wished he could tell Cal it was all a joke and he didn't have Huntington's at all.

He wished he could tell Kate it was all a joke too.

But even if he could, it would make no difference. He couldn't take back what he'd said.

He remembered standing outside the cubicle, listening to her cry. He'd wanted more than anything to go back in and apologise. He'd come close to doing just that. But he'd gone to speak to Robyn instead - he couldn't remember why - and the next thing he knew, he'd been in the staff room, collapsing to the floor as everything spun out of control.

"Yes. That's better," said Cal, almost as though he was trying to convince himself. He stroked his hand through Ethan's hair. "I'm sure the last thing you feel like is sleeping, but maybe you could try? I'll sleep here with you. Is that okay? You know how I get sometimes. I'll be in such a panic if I can't see you." He leaned across Ethan to get a tissue. "Here you are, Ethan. Dry your eyes for me and then we'll go to sleep."


	12. Chapter 12

**tracys dream** , thank you fpr your review. I'm so glad you liked the Cal and Ethan moments. There are more in this chapter so I hope you like them too.

 **Tanith Panic** , I'm not sure Alicia is quite a thugette, but a less traumatic night out would be good for Kate. In Holby, of course. Somewhere near Ethan! They will all be devastated about Ethan - I don't think I'll include all their reactions, but it will be very, very sad. Thank you for your reviews.

 **Gillian Kearney Fan** , you weren't the only one to miss a chapter, so I expect it's Fanfiction's fault as usual! Thank you for both your reviews. I agree that Cal will need lots of support. He's lucky because he's in a workplace where he'll get lots of support, but it's still going to be so hard.

 **CBloom2** , thank you for your review. I'm glad you like the story, even though it's sad. It would be difficult to make the story happy, but at least Cal and Ethan don't hate each other. I think we're all desperate for brotherly love!

 **Becs2202** , thank you for your review. I wish that the episodes were more like my story too - the writers are telling a difficult story very well, but we want Cal and Ethan to love each other! Especially now.

 **20BlueRoses** , it will be difficult to bring Ethan and Kate together, but it will happen! I'm glad you liked that I showed how hard it is for Cal too - it's harder for Ethan, but I didn't want to forget about Cal. Thank you for your review.

 **X-Sammii-X** , I'm glad this is making you smile, even though it's sad. I have gone through stages of loving and not loving Zoe, but I currently love her. I'm glad you like Milly - I thought Kate needed a friend! Thank you for your review.

* * *

Milly looked at Kate doubtfully. "Are you sure?"

"Completely sure," said Kate. "It hardly hurts at all now."

"Kate, if it hurts a little bit when you're resting it, think how much it's going to hurt when you're using it!" said Milly.

Kate could see her point, but she smiled and shrugged. "I'll be fine. I'm sure I won't even notice the pain once I start work."

Milly hesitated. "It's not just the pain I'm worried about."

Kate had finally broken down the day before and told Milly exactly what had happened with Ethan. Milly was protective and supportive and everything Kate could have asked for, but Kate knew she needed to get on with her life, however much Ethan's words still hurt. "I'll be fine, Milly. It's better for me to distract myself with work than to sit at home and think. And you never know: maybe someone _really_ gorgeous will be in the café today. Someone who'll make me forget Nibbles ever existed!"

* * *

Cal was woken by the sound of Ethan crying.

The sound had woken him for each of the last two days, not to mention a couple of times during the night. Ethan spent a lot of the day in tears as well. Cal kept looking at him, anxiously seeking improvement and vainly trying to convince himself that Ethan seemed better, but he never believed it for long.

Ethan had barely spoken since Cal had brought him home. He ate little of the meals Cal prepared for him and only left his bed to go to the loo. He hadn't washed or changed his clothes either, which Cal wouldn't usually have cared about, but it was so unlike Ethan. Still, he'd decided to let that go for now. Getting Ethan to eat and stop crying were his goals for now.

Cal reached across the bed and put his hand on Ethan's shoulder. "Come here, Nibbles."

Ethan gave another sob. "Woke you. Sorry. Bad."

"You didn't wake me," said Cal untruthfully. "It's time to wake up so I woke up." It took more than that to get Cal out of bed most of the time and Ethan knew it, but he didn't argue. Cal patted Ethan's shoulder and spoke through a lump in his throat. "Come on, Ethan. Come here."

Ethan shuffled across the few inches separating them, buried his face in Cal's chest, and cried.

* * *

Kate swallowed another painkiller and carried the plate out of the kitchen. Her hand ached from the weight of it, but was sure she could manage. She tried to think of happy things, like Milly's friendship and the fact she hadn't been given more than a few sharp words for calling in sick at short notice yesterday.

She was also happy to have Alicia and Louise's friendship. Alicia had phoned each day to see how they were and Louise had phoned to apologise for her part in the altercation with Honey. Kate had accepted Louise's apology at once and she'd enjoyed talking to her once they'd moved past the awkwardness of Louise asking Kate which doctor she'd seen, before going on to say Ethan was the nicest doctor in the hospital. Honey hadn't got in contact, but Kate didn't mind. She knew that if she was Honey, she'd be dying of embarrassment and although Kate would still have apologised, she could quite understand any reluctance on Honey's part.

"Here you are!" said Kate, smiling at two of her customers. "Orange squash, lemonade and two apple crumbles."

They looked back at her through narrowed eyes. "Er, we actually wanted orangeade, lemon squash and two apple pies?"

"Oh, I'm so sorry!" said Kate in horror. "I don't know what I was thinking. I'll take them back and swap them for what you asked for. I am sorry for the confusion. I'll be as quick as I can."

* * *

Ethan was sitting propped up against the headboard where Cal had left him. Cal wanted to see this as a positive, as yesterday, Ethan had crawled back under the covers again. But Cal couldn't feel happy when he saw the silent tears dripping from Ethan's eyes.

Cal climbed onto the bed as carefully as he could, but he still managed to slosh milk from Ethan's cereal and some of his tea onto the tray. "Hey, Nibbles. What's wrong?"

"What do you think?" said Ethan, and started sobbing.

Cal tried to be happy that Ethan was producing complete sentences, but he couldn't. He spilled more tea and milk putting the tray down on the floor and put his arms around his brother. "I know, mate. I know."

Ethan didn't cry for long. Cal sat up and got him a tissue, but Ethan ignored it.

"Here you are, Nibbles. I'm not going to do it for you, you know!" Cal's voice shook slightly because he mostly had over the last couple of days. When Ethan cried, he often switched off from the real world and didn't seem aware of anything but his own pain.

"Might as well," muttered Ethan. "You'll have to one day. Might as well get used to it now."

Tears rushed to Cal's eyes and he suppressed a sob, but his voice was almost calm. "Ethan, when you can't do something for yourself, you know I'll do it for you a hundred times a day if you need me to. But for now, you've got so many years of life ahead of you. So much you can still achieve. So much you can still enjoy. You're a great doctor and a great person and I'm so proud to be your brother, but if you give up now, Ethan, you'll not only be unhappy now, you'll be even more unhappy when you look back and see everything you missed out on doing."

"I can't." Ethan was crying again. "You're right, but I can't. Hurts too much. Don't want this life."

Cal hugged him again. "I know you're sad now, Ethan, but you can get through this. It's going to take time and there will be bad days because this is a lot to deal with, but you've got time. Do you hear me? You've got time. So we'll take this slowly. We can do this." He held Ethan until he was calmer, then he offered Ethan the tissue again.

Ethan stared at it for a moment, then he slowly lifted his hand and took it.

"That's right, Ethan," said Cal, as Ethan blew his nose and wiped his eyes. "I'm not trying to patronise you, by the way. When I lost Taylor; when I lost little Matilda; when I lost both our mums, I was depressed too. There didn't seem much point in anything and even just moving my hand to get something could feel like too much. But I got through it. Mostly because of you. Unfortunately, you've only got me helping you, but I'm going to do my best."

"Depression is the first symptom," said Ethan sadly.

"It was the first symptom for Mum," said Cal. "That doesn't mean it will be the first symptom for you and this probably isn't a symptom. When Mum got depressed, it just happened and there was no reason for it that she could see. With you, there are reasons. It's very unlikely you'd start getting symptoms just after you've found out. It's much more likely the depression is an emotional reaction to the diagnosis."

"How do you know?" said Ethan.

"Because I'm a doctor," said Cal.

Ethan blinked at him and Cal almost got the impression he might have smiled if he hadn't been so sad. Even when Ethan rested his head on Cal's shoulder, it seemed more a gesture of affection than a need for comfort – though of course Ethan did need comfort. He was going to need comfort every day and Cal would provide it.

"And you're a doctor too," said Cal, as he stroked Ethan's hair. "You will be for a very long time. So, what do you think, Dr Hardy? My little brother is refusing to eat breakfast because he's sad. Do you think that's okay? Or do you think it's better if he eats something?"

He felt Ethan's breath against his bare shoulder. "Eat something."

"That's what I think too," said Cal. He picked the tray up off the floor, spilling more milk and tea, and put it on Ethan's lap. "You don't have to eat it all. I know eating is hard when you're depressed. But let's see how you do."

* * *

Tears welled in Kate's eyes. "I'm sorry, Judy. I really am sorry."

"Anyone can say it, Kate. It's showing that you mean it that interests me. Now go and have your lunchbreak and remember the only reason I'm not letting you clean up the mess yourself is because I'm not sure I can trust you. But I'll see you after lunch and I expect to see a different, more focused, more competent girl. If not, you're going home."

"I will do better. I promise." Kate hurried out of the room and went out to the back of the café, not wanting anyone else to see her crying. Maybe Milly had been right about not coming back today. The reason Kate had dropped the tray and smashed six plates, spilling food everywhere, was because her hand was hurting. It was weaker because of the injury and the pain was distracting her.

But Kate knew that wasn't good enough. She had to do better and she could do better and this afternoon, she was going to make sure she did - though she would be more careful about how much she carried at once.

Once she'd stopped crying, which didn't take long, Kate stayed in the fresh air for a while, trying to convince herself she was okay now. If Milly could get over a fiancé she'd lived with for six years, then Kate could get over a guy she'd met twice.

She was about to go back inside when she heard running footsteps. A girl appeared: a very beautiful girl with long, blonde hair and expensive-looking clothes. She saw Kate and ran over to her. "Please help me!"


	13. Chapter 13

_I'm sorry I'm getting so bad at updating. It's been a difficult few days. Depression and dinner parties... not two of my favourite things!_

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. I've been trying to think of ways to make Judy suffer! It's strange that we want not only the horrible characters to suffer but also the lovely characters like Ethan!

 **LittleBritishPerson** , I'm glad you liked Cal and Ethan's talk. I think Cal did start to get through to him, but helping Ethan is going to take time, so Cal will really have to commit to it... oh dear. Thank you for your review.

 **CBloom2** , it might be who you think it is! I really wanted Cal and Ethan to be together for as much of this story as possible because that's what we all want (is it just me who's actually kind of dreading tomorrow's episode?) Thank you for your review.

 **X-Sammii-X** , thank you for your review - I'm sorry I made you wait so long. I think I'd like a big brother with Cal's personality (in this story) and Max's face (a lovely face, but I really don't fancy him for some reason). Your prediction could be right...

 **20BlueRoses** , thank you for your review. It's quite weird writing about Cal as the mature, sensible one, but I hope it's realistic! But he stepped up for baby Matilda and Emilie and I so want him to do the same for Ethan.

 **ETWentHome** , I'm glad you like the way Cal is supporting Ethan. I wondered if Kate fell for Ethan too fast, but in a short scene, she saw him as a brother, a son and a doctor, as well as a hot guy! Thank you for your review.

 **Lara (Guest)** , Ethan doesn't deserve bad things happening, but if he will insist on applying for a job in Holby City Hospital, what does he expect? But it is really devastating to write and to watch. Thank you for your review.

 _Thank you to mmelon3 for the follow._

* * *

Kate hurried towards the woman. "Of course I'll help you. What's happened?"

"I'm being chased!" the woman said breathlessly, grabbing Kate's hands. "Please. You've got to hide me. Before he finds me!"

"Of course. Come this way." Kate led her inside. "I'm Kate. This is a café and I work here."

"I'm Taylor."

Kate smiled. "It's a pity about the circumstances, but it is nice to meet you, Taylor. Would you like to go and sit at a table and I'll bring you something to eat? Whoever is chasing you is probably looking for someone who's running and hiding. They probably won't look twice at all the customers."

"I can't risk it!" said Taylor. "Have you got a room I can hide in? Or a cupboard? Please, Kate. I'll tell you everything if you can find me a place to hide."

Kate thought quickly. "There's a cupboard no-one really goes in – it's got things like tins of paint in. It smells a bit, but you should be safe there."

"That sounds good," said Taylor. "But listen to me, Kate. I don't want anyone to see me but you. The more people know, the more chance there is that someone will give me away to… to him." Her voice wobbled.

Kate patted Taylor's arm. "I'll do my best, Taylor. I'll just check the coast is clear." She peered around a corner. "If you come through this way quickly... okay, it's just down here."

The key was in the door. Kate unlocked it and put on the light, and the two of them went inside.

"Thank you, Kate." Taylor reached for her hand. "Thank you for helping me. It's my husband, you see. I'm leaving him. He beats me and emotionally abuses me and he got social services to take my baby girl away because he said I was an unfit mother." Taylor gave a sob.

"Oh, Taylor, I'm so sorry." Kate gave her a hug. "Would you like me to call the police? I'll be here for you too, but they'll be able to protect you properly."

"You can't call the police," said Taylor sadly. "My husband's a policeman. I can't trust the police, Kate. Believe me, I've tried talking to his colleagues. They always believe me at first, but then he gets involved and then…" Taylor sobbed some more.

Kate stroked her hair. "It sounds really awful. Maybe if you went to the police in another town, they would help you."

"That's what I'm going to do," said Taylor. "But I've got to get there first. I thought, if it's okay with you, maybe I could stay here for a few hours? He'll almost certainly come here looking for me. So once he's gone, I could wait a couple of hours in case he's waiting outside, and then get a taxi?"

"That sounds like a good plan," said Kate. "I'll help you: don't worry."

* * *

Ethan wanted to tell Cal he was capable of walking on his own, but it was too much effort. Everything was too much effort. He leaned heavily against his brother, his head on his shoulder. Every step seemed like a mile.

"Come on, Ethan," said Cal encouragingly. "You can do it."

"I know I can do it," said Ethan, tears filling his eyes. "But I don't want to."

"I know," said Cal softly. "Is there anything you do want to do?"

Ethan shook his heavy head.

"Then maybe you could humour me?" said Cal. "Please?"

He gave Ethan a gentle push and they started walking again. After a couple of steps or miles, they were in the bathroom. The bath was full almost to the brim with bubbles.

"There you are, Nibbles," said Cal. "A bubble bath. They can help with depression. At least, they don't make things worse."

Ethan said nothing. He knew it was nice of Cal, but he couldn't pretend to be enthusiastic because he couldn't remember what that felt like.

"Go on, Nibbles," said Cal. "Take your clothes off and get in the bath."

Faced with a direct order, Ethan found himself obeying. He slowly shed his clothes, climbed into the bath, lay down and didn't feel any better.

Cal sat on the edge of the bath and stroked Ethan's hair. "So. What medical research have you been reading about lately?"

"Research into Huntington's," said Ethan.

"Oh, Ethan..." Cal looked ready to cry. "I can understand why, but I'm sure it's not..." He sighed and changed the subject. "Have you seen any good films?"

"They say they're near finding a cure," said Ethan. "But they're not. Not really. They've worked out how to give a mouse Huntington's. What use is that? Why would anyone even want to do that? I wouldn't wish it on a mouse." His tears slid down his face and into the water. "I wouldn't even wish it on a crab."

* * *

Kate shielded the tray as best she could, not wanting anyone to see that she'd taken twice the amount of food as she usually would. She hurried to the cupboard and balanced the tray with her left hand whilst trying to unlock the door with her right, but pain shot through her hand and she let go of the key. It fell to the floor with a loud clatter.

Kate cast an agonised glance along the corridor, but no-one was there. Quickly, she put the tray on the ground to unlock the door. "Taylor, it's Kate," she whispered. She picked up the tray and gave it to her new friend. "Here you are."

"Thank you," whispered Taylor. Her eye make-up was smudged.

Kate shut the door and gave her a hug. "Don't cry, sweetheart. It's going to be okay. You're safe now and he's not going to hurt you again."

* * *

Once they'd eaten, Kate picked up the tray again and left the cupboard, locking it behind her. It was almost time to start work again and after everything that happened, starting early probably wouldn't be a bad idea. She went out into the café to see Milly talking to two policeman. Kate felt a shudder of revulsion as she looked at them, trying to guess which one was Taylor's husband. They both looked pretty villainous to Kate, though the younger one was closer to her age.

Milly looked up and saw her. "Kate, could you go and find… actually, you stay here and I'll find Judy."

Kate knew she'd done it to be kind, as Kate wasn't Judy's favourite person and vice-versa, but she felt her skin crawl as she talked to the man who'd abused Taylor. She could almost feel the evilness coming off him in waves, or was that her imagination, because she expected to feel something? She was sure it was the older one now. Sergeant Groves looked much too old for Taylor, but the younger one was called P.C. Taylor and a girl called Taylor would think twice about marrying him.

Though if you were really in love, names didn't matter. Kate would have been perfectly happy to introduce her husband as Nibbles. _I take thee Nibbles for my lawfully wedded husband..._

Not that she'd ever really thought about marrying Ethan. That would be silly! She hardly knew him. So she hadn't done that.

* * *

Kate stood outside Judy's office and listened as she talked to the policeman. She didn't know why and she didn't know what she could do, but she felt she had to know what was going on in case Taylor needed her.

Taylor's husband was spinning some ridiculous story about Taylor being a con-artist who'd been on the run since escaping from hospital following the birth of her baby.

"I'll take you through to the kitchens," said Judy.

Kate shot away from the door and into the kitchen, where she pretended to be loading up a tray. When the policeman left to examine the toilets, offices and cupboards, Kate followed, keeping well back.

They were getting closer and closer to Taylor's cupboard. Kate's breathing quickened. She had the key in her pocket so they wouldn't be able to get in there, but she knew its absence would arouse suspicion.

They stopped in front of the cupboard. Judy tried the door, then looked at the lock. "There should be a key here. I don't know where it's gone – perhaps one of my employees knows."

Kate shrank back, even though she knew Judy couldn't possibly see her.

"But it's not a problem," said Judy. "I'll get the spare key."

P.C. Taylor went with her, leaving Taylor's husband on guard. Kate stayed where she was for a panicked second, then she went to find Milly. "Milly, you've got to help me. I need you to lie on the floor by the back door. When I give you the signal, you need to scream. When the police come, tell them a girl with long blonde hair came running out and pushed you over."

Milly stared at her in shock. "You want me to lie to the police?" she gasped. "Kate, what are you mixed up in now?"

"The older policeman is abusing his wife," said Kate. "Or possibly the younger one is. She's ran away from him and she's hiding in one of the cupboards. Judy's gone to get the spare key. I've got to get her out of here. Please, Milly."

"I don't know, Kate," said Milly. "Think about it. Who's more likely to tell the truth? Two policemen or a girl on the run?"

"The older policeman's obviously lying to the younger one too!" said Kate desperately. "Please, Milly. She's really lovely and she's terrified."

"Okay. I trust you," said Milly at last. She went towards the back door. Kate waited till Judy had almost reached the door, then she signalled to Milly, who lay on the floor and screamed.

Judy and the policemen all heard it. "You stay here, Ma'am," said Taylor's husband, but as Kate had expected, Judy shook her head and said if anything was going on in her café, she wanted to know all about it.

As soon as they'd gone towards the door, Kate slipped into the corridor and went to Taylor's cupboard. She unlocked the door. "Taylor, my boss has a spare key," she whispered. Come with me and I'll hide you somewhere they've already looked."

Taylor got up at once and followed Kate. Kate grabbed her hand and hustled her into the men's staff toilets. There were no men working that day, so it was unlikely she'd be discovered.

"I'll come and find you when it's safe to come out," said Kate.

She left Taylor in a cubicle and opened the main door. And stopped.

"I did notice you sneaking around, Kate," said Judy. "I wondered why. And now I can take a pretty good guess."


	14. Chapter 14

_I've got Casualty on pause... it's my reward for getting this chapter posted. I just hope it's a good reward and not an upsetting one!_

 **tracys dream** , thank you for your review. It's always good to know you're still reading and enjoying. I hope you enjoy what happens next!

 **Tanith Panic** , I didn't think about it being insensitive. It was going to be a lie, but I changed it a bit. I hope it's okay. I'm glad I surprised you! I'd much rather hold a crab than a fish. Less slimy! Thank you for your review.

 **CBloom2** , thank you for your review. I feel better today, but I am about to watch Casualty, so I don't know how long it's going to last! Taylor is definitely the last thing Cal needs - especially if she wants to see Matilda! Kate isn't the first to be fooled by Taylor, but you're right: that won't stop her from feeling bad.

 **LittleBritishPerson** , I think depression is quite common on this site, which is really sad, especially as it's full of such lovely people. I hope today is a good day for you. I thought about Ethan asking Cal to leave, but I decided he was too low to care. Thank you for your review - I'm glad I surprised you!

 **X-Sammii-X** , I'm glad you like the interaction between Cal and Ethan. I feel starved of brotherly comfort! Does anyone like Taylor? I don't think even Cal's that keen now! Thank you for your review.

 **Lara (Guest)** , thank you for your review and your kind words. I feel worse if I don't manage to update, so I thought I'd better manage somehow! Perhaps Taylor will surprise you... but she probably won't.

 **20BlueRoses** , thank you for your review. Helping people has done nothing but got Kate into trouble - which isn't fair at all! I'm sure Cal would be glad you have confidence in him as he might not have much in himself. The plan is for more Kibbles in Chapter 16, but sometimes my planned chapters are twice as long as they should be and get cut into two.

* * *

Kate was grateful for Milly's arm around her. She was shaking and she felt like she might cry. She felt terrible for having let Taylor down and didn't want to think about all the pain she was likely to go through as a result. She'd been so brave to try to escape, but Kate knew it would be very difficult to find the same courage again.

"You couldn't have known," said Milly softly.

Kate turned to stare at her. "About what? The spare key?"

"No: that she was lying to you," said Milly.

It took Kate a few moments to understand what Milly meant. "Taylor? You think she's lying?"

Milly's face changed. "Do you mean you still believe her?"

"Why wouldn't I?" said Kate. "I thought you believed her too. You helped me!"

Milly stroked her arm and seemed to be trying to choose her words carefully. "I helped you because I could see you were desperate. But you've got to admit: it does seem a bit unlikely. If that guy was her husband, would he even be allowed to arrest her?"

"It's probably not a real arrest," said Kate.

"They're in uniform and they're driving a police car," pointed out Milly. "How could they do that if it's not an official arrest? And the police cars have radio contact. It would be a big risk to use a police car to chase someone he's abusing. I'm sorry, sweetheart. Maybe I'd feel differently if I'd met Taylor, but it just doesn't seem likely."

Kate was about to make another suggestion, but at that moment, Taylor came out of the café with the two policemen. Her head was down and she looked defeated.

"I'm so sorry, Taylor," Kate whispered as Taylor passed her.

Taylor sighed. "Maybe it's better this way. I'm tired of running and hiding. Thank you for trying to help me."

Kate felt as though Taylor had punched her. "You mean it was all a lie?"

"My husband did abuse me and my baby would have been taken by social services if I hadn't given her to her father," said Taylor. "But my husband wasn't the baby's father and this policeman isn't my husband." She paused. "I'm sorry, Kate. I hope you don't get into trouble for being nice."

"All right. That's enough, Taylor." The policemen moved her along, but then the older one looked back at Kate. His face was sympathetic and Kate wondered how she could have imagined he was evil. "It is true about the abuse and the baby. And she's definitely not my wife."

Kate watched them go. Taylor didn't look at her again. Kate's heart ached for her. She'd obviously committed terrible crimes, but it sounded like she'd suffered a lot first. Perhaps it was the only way she knew of being happy. _Good luck, Taylor_ , she said silently. _I hope you can find the strength for a better life._

* * *

"And the blue duck is gaining on the red duck," said Cal, as he sloshed the water around Ethan. "The yellow duck is probably too far in front, but there's a bit of a race going on for second place. The green duck looks well out of it though." Cal created a miniature tidal wave with his hands. "The green duck has found a burst of speed. But surely it's too late for him to surge for victory?"

The toy ducks had belonged to baby Matilda. Cal had bought them, only for Ethan to tell him she was too little to go in the bath and they should use a washing up bowl for now. Cal had been scandalised by the thought of putting his daughter in a washing up bowl, but he'd eventually agreed with Ethan that they couldn't take any risks with their baby.

Cal glanced at Ethan. His eyes were on the ducks as they swam towards him. "Which one are you rooting for, Ethan?"

He thought Ethan wasn't going to answer at first, but then he said: "Green."

"You always did support the underdog," said Cal. "No wonder you're always there for _me_." He pushed a surge of water back towards the taps. "I hope that's your leg, Ethan. It did feel much too big to be anything else. And it looks like the yellow duck is hitting turbulence. Red and Blue look likely to get caught up in it too. But look at the green one! He has the current in his favour! Could this be a last-minute comeback for Green?"

Ethan watched expressionlessly as Cal guided the green duck to victory.

He felt in the bubbly water for Ethan's hand. "I know it's going to be really tough, Ethan. There will be ups and downs and maybe mostly downs, but I will be there for every one of them. I just hope one day you're able to believe me."

* * *

"Are you okay?" asked Milly, giving Kate a hug.

"I don't know," said Kate, her eyes filling. "I feel so stupid, Milly. I don't really blame Taylor – she's been through so much and I think that's made her behave the way she does. But I never should have believed her. I should have known it would never happen. And now I'm going to get sacked!"

"You don't know that," said Milly – not very convincingly, it had to be said.

"Harbouring a criminal? I don't see how I can avoid being sacked!" said Kate with a shaky laugh. "Judy's been looking for an excuse to sack me and I could hardly have provided her with a better one if I'd planned it!"

* * *

Cal sat Ethan down in front of the TV. Cal wanted to believe Ethan felt a little bit better after his bath, but he knew his brother was a long way from feeling happy and even if he did feel better, his mood could drop again at any moment.

It was something Cal would have to accept.

Ethan curled up on the sofa and stared at the blank TV screen while Cal went to the kitchen to get the food he'd prepared while Ethan had been putting his pyjamas on.

"Here you are!" said Cal, brandishing two plates and nearly spilling their contents. He made a silent wish that he'd remain the clumsier of the brothers for a long time to come. "One Thursday night special. And wait…" He went off to the kitchen and came back with two glasses and another plate. "Here's some nibbles for Nibbles! And a nice glass of milk."

He held the plate of nibbles out to Ethan. Ethan lifted his hand slowly, picked something at random and put it in his mouth. Cal handed him the glass of milk to help wash it down, then he reached for the remote control.

"I can't tell you what we're watching, Nibbles. I can't pronounce it. All I know is it's foreign. But it's one of yours so I'm assuming you like it."

He put Ethan's Thursday night special on his lap, picked up his own and settled down. He sensed movement beside him and saw Ethan shuffling closer to him.

"Thanks," he whispered, and put his head on Cal's shoulder.

Cal swallowed down a lump of emotion and put his arm around his little brother. "Anytime, Ethan. Anytime."

* * *

Kate threw herself into her work despite the pain in her hand because she knew it was probably the last time.

"See you next week, Kate!" One of her regulars called to her as he left.

Kate just smiled. She didn't know what else she could do.

At last, Judy called her to her office. "Kate, after the incident with stealing the food, I told you you'd be fired if you received another written warning."

Kate nodded. "I know you did, Judy. I'm truly sorry for all the mistakes I've made."

"I'm not going to give you another written warning," said Judy.

Kate stared at her. "Really?"

"Of course not!" said Judy.

Relief seeped into Kate's skin.

"I'm sacking you outright," said Judy. "You let a criminal into my café. You gave her stolen food. You attempted to conceal her whereabouts from the police."

Kate blinked at her and Judy sneered.

"Oh, come on, Kate. You didn't seriously think I was going to let you off with a verbal warning?"

"I-I misunderstood the situation," said Kate. "I believed the lies she told me."

Judy was unmoved. "I don't want to hear your excuses, Kate. Besides, ignorance of the law is no excuse for breaking it. Now leave. I don't want to see you back here again. If you come in here as a customer, my employees will be under orders to turf you straight back out. And if they don't, they'll be the ones in trouble. Have I made myself clear?"

"Yes," whispered Kate.

"You may go."

Kate turned and started to leave, but after only a couple of steps, she turned round again and looked at her former boss. "Judy, why do you hate me so much?"

"I thought I told you to leave."

"Yes, and I will go in a minute, but I'd really like you to answer my question," said Kate. "I know I haven't been the perfect employee. I've made lots of mistakes and I'm very sorry. But you seem to have some kind of vendetta against me."

Judy sighed. "I might have known you'd try to make it all about you."

"No: I'm trying to make it about _you_ ," said Kate. She walked over to the desk. "What happened to you, Judy? Do I remind you of someone who hurt you? Are you… I know this sounds ridiculous, but do you envy me in some way? Please tell me. I'd like to help if I can."

"All right. I'll tell you what's happened. I've just sacked an employee and she's refusing to leave the premises. That's what's wrong, Kate. Now, are you going to leave, or do I need to get the police back here?"

Kate looked at her sadly. She turned and left, but just before she closed the door, she turned back. "Goodbye, Judy. I hope you'll be happier now I've gone."


	15. Chapter 15

_I've just seen how many reviews I have for this story - thank you so much for all the encouragement and support._

 **corriemad.2202** , thank you for your review. Kate doesn't deserve any of this, but I didn't want her to be completely happy while Ethan was going through hell. Good things will come, don't worry! I'm glad you liked the scene in the bath. Ethan needs to do a bath scene in an episode.

 **CBloom2** , last night's episode was so much more positive than I was fearing! I'm glad you liked the Cal/Ethan scenes in my story. I thought I'd try for some slightly lighter moments after all that crying! Kate didn't deserved to be sacked, but I do think she's better off without Judy. Thank you for your review.

 **LittleBritishPerson** , the ending of last night's episode was lovely, though I hope the writers won't forget all about Ethan's condition now he's feeling more positive. It's still going to affect him sometimes. Thank you for your review - I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter. I hope today is a better day for you. I think it's better for me.

 **X-Sammii-X** , Judy is horrid, but there probably is something behind it as you said. Either way, at least Kate doesn't have to deal with her anymore. I'm glad you liked the bit with Ethan's leg. I thought it would be a bit rude for Casualty, but I suppose it is often quite naughty! Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , I'm thinking about karma for Judy, though Kate and Ethan are my focus. I decided not to make Taylor all bad this time! I'm glad you liked the duck race. I wasn't sure if that would be fun to read about or not. Things like that can go either way! Thank you for your review and for what you said about my writing. It made me feel happy.

* * *

Cal looked worriedly at his brother. Curled into one corner of the sofa and wrapped in blankets, Ethan looked smaller than ever. His eyes were red from his latest bout of tears and he hadn't managed much breakfast.

"Are you sure you'll be okay?" said Cal. He crouched down beside the sofa and felt among the blankets for Ethan's hand.

"How am I supposed to be okay?" burst out Ethan. He tore his hand from Cal's.

"I can stay," said Cal. "I'll phone and say I'm ill."

"You can't stay at home with me forever." Ethan was was trying to hold back tears.

Cal sat on the sofa beside him. He knew Ethan was right. He needed to go back to work. They both did. "Ethan…"

"Cal, just go!" snapped Ethan.

Cal tried not to feel hurt. He knew Ethan would have bad days. Sad days, angry days, frightened days. Today was an angry day. "Okay, but I'll be home at lunchtime."

"Just go to work and leave me alone!"

* * *

"This one sounds good!" said Milly. "Barista/shop assistant. Working in a shop; making and serving tea, coffee and light snacks."

Kate tried hard to feel some enthusiasm. It wasn't something she usually struggled with, but losing your job and being rejected by the guy you liked did take it out of you a bit.

"It would be perfect for you," said Milly encouragingly. "Personal contact with every customer. And you'll be your own boss too!"

Kate started to feel slightly more interest. "Where is it?"

"It's… in a hospital," said Milly. "Um… Holby City Hospital."

 _Ethan's_ hospital.

Kate felt a rush of panic. But not just because of Ethan. "No. I can't work there. It's too far."

"Yeah. It is a long way away," said Milly.

"Yes," agreed Kate, but a sense of regret spiralled through her all the same. If things had been different; if she'd been right about Ethan's interest in her; if there wasn't something keeping her here... "Thanks for thinking of it, but my home is here. You're here. And…" She stopped for a moment; steeled herself to say the words. "Mum's here."

"I know, Kate, but…well, the thing is..." Milly reached for her hand. "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I should have told you before. But you were so upset and I didn't think I'd get it..."

Kate gripped Milly's hand more tightly. "Get what?"

"I… I've got a new job," said Milly apologetically. "I couldn't stand working for that cow for another minute. I saw a job, applied for it and went for an interview. I didn't think I'd get it. I thought they'd want someone with more experience and I wasn't expecting a decent reference. I'm not sure I'm going to accept the job, but, well, I have been offered it." She squeezed Kate's hand gently. "It's in Holby."

Kate felt deep pain. "Oh my God," she whispered. "You mean you're… I mean, congratulations, Milly! I'm really happy for you."

"Thanks, but like I said, I don't know if I'm taking it yet," said Milly. "I don't want to leave you. You're the best friend I've ever had and you really need your friends at the moment, and with Alicia back in Holby as well..."

"What is the job?" asked Kate.

The words came out with an unwillingness that didn't disguise Milly's enthusiasm. "It's an assistant manager job in a café."

"Then of course you've got to take it!" exclaimed Kate. She knew how disappointed Milly had been when she hadn't been temporarily promoted to Helen's job. "Promise me you'll take it. Please, Milly."

Milly hugged her. "Isn't that just like you to be thinking of me? But you need to think of yourself too. You need a new job too, Kate, and the barista job is perfect for you. It's up to you, but I would really love it if you could come with me and share a flat with me."

Kate felt a flutter of excitement. A new job. Sharing a flat with her best friend. Working in the same place as Louise, when she was ready to return to work. She would see Alicia too, as Alicia had resigned from her job in order to look after Louise and was keeping her fingers crossed that a job might become available in one of the hospitals in or near Holby.

"We would have to move?" said Kate, but she knew the answer already.

Milly nodded. "Yeah. I think it would be too long a commute. I could bring you back here two or three times a week. I'm more than happy to do that. Or you could get the train. But I don't think every day would be possible. It would be so tiring and by the time you got here, the flower shop would be closed."

"Then I can't go," said Kate, blinking back tears as she made her decision. "I wish I could, Milly. I'd love to live with you. I'd love to be a barista. But I'm not ready to leave. Not yet."

* * *

Cal slumped onto the sofa in the staff room, his head in his hands. He was so tired.

Everyone doing everything they could to support him; to spare him anything difficult. Connie had refused to allow him to work in Resus. When one of his patients in cubicles had needed to be taken to Resus, Lily, who was in temporary charge, hadn't let him cross the threshold. When he'd asked Dylan later if the patient was okay, Dylan actually seemed to be trying to reassure him, rather than giving him the brief one-word answer Cal had expected.

But despite all the support, he felt exhausted and miserable.

He didn't realise someone had entered the staff room until they said his name.

"How are you doing?" asked Charlie. The words were casual, but Cal could see the concern in his face. Ethan had finally agreed that Zoe could tell their closest friends at the hospital about the Huntington's and obviously that included Charlie.

"It's so hard," said Cal, as a tear slid down his cheek. "Ethan's so depressed. I don't know if I'm doing the right things. Sometimes he seems bit more positive, but the next minute, he's crying his heart out. I know I can't expect anything else and I'm not going to run away from this. I'm going to be there for Ethan for the rest of his life. But it's so hard, Charlie."

Charlie put his hand on Cal's shoulder. "I know it is. And I know none of us can pretend we know how you feel or how Ethan feels. But we're here, Cal. For both of you. If there's anything we can do, big or small, all you have to do is ask. If you need more time off, that's understandable. If you need to go home early or come in late, we can work around that. If you're working with a patient and it's too much, you can always request another doctor."

Cal wiped another tear. "Everyone's been so supportive today and I'm so grateful. I really am."

"I know you are," said Charlie. "But Cal… it does work the other way too. Support can be what gets you through, but too much support can do more harm than good because it reminds you there's something wrong. Of course, our first priority is to our patients and if we have the impression – which might be incorrect – that you're struggling, we will have to request you step down. But if you want us to back off a little bit; if you want some of your old responsibilities; if you want our approach to supporting you to change in any way, that's something else you can talk to us about. You have more idea of what you need, Cal. We're just guessing."

"So am I, really," said Cal. "With myself and Ethan."

"That's often all any of us do," said Charlie. "Going through life and dealing with what comes up and just hoping we're doing the right thing. So, what would you like to do now, Cal? Don't think too deeply. Just tell me what you need."

"Could I go home and check on Ethan and then come back?" said Cal. "I saw him at lunchtime, but he was really upset. Well, angry more than upset."

Charlie nodded. "Of course. Take as much time as you need."

* * *

Kate paid for the bunch of daffodils and walked the short distance down the road to the cemetery. She placed the daffodils beside the headstone and picked up the roses she'd put there the day before. Then she closed her eyes.

 _Hey, Mum. It's Kate. I'm fine. Gradually starting to get over Nibbles and being sacked. It's all happening at once, isn't it? Milly's been offered a new job: an assistant manager position in a café in Holby. It's perfect for her. I'm so proud of her. She asked me to go with her and she's even found a barista job in the same area for me, but I said no. But I feel bad. Milly says if I don't go, she won't go either. I don't want to hold her back. I want her to be happy. But I can't go. I can't leave you. Not yet._

Once she'd finished unloading everything that was on her mind, Kate turned her mind to her mother's reply, letting memories of what her mother had said in her last days drift through her mind.

 _I'm leaving you the flat. It's yours for as long as you need it, Kate, but I don't expect you to live there forever. You need to follow your own heart and your own dreams._

 _Every time you leave flowers on my grave, I will be grateful, but I don't expect you to do it every day. You have your own life, Kate. You need to live it and enjoy it. That's all I ever wanted for you._

 _I will always be here, Kate. If you ever need me, just close your eyes and think of me. No matter where you are, I'll be there._

* * *

Cal arrived home to find Ethan shaking hard and struggling to breathe.

"Ethan, it's okay," said Cal. "I'm here now."

He put his arm around Ethan and held him as he helped him to control his breathing. It took a while and Cal felt close to panicking himself, but at last, Ethan was breathing almost normally, though he was still trembling and there were tears in his eyes.

"It's okay, Ethan," said Cal soothingly. "Just keep breathing. I'm not going anywhere." He held Ethan closer to him. "If you want to tell me what brought this on, you know you can, but you don't have to."

"I'm just scared," whispered Ethan. "I started thinking and imagining."

Cal stroked his hair. "Oh, Ethan. I wish I knew what to say. But I'm here."

Ethan put his head against Cal's chest. "I'm glad you're here."

"I'll always be here," said Cal.


	16. Chapter 16

**Gillian Kearney Fan** , thank you for your review. Ethan really needs Cal at the moment and luckily, he's stepping up for once. I think little Matilda really helped him.

 **20BlueRoses** , I never thought that Cal might be giving Ethan too much support, but you're probably right. Now Ethan's a bit better, Cal probably needs to start encouraging him to do things. Thank you for your review.

 **tracys dream** , I'm glad too. I could probably write a very realistic story about Cal not being able to support Ethan, but they've spent too much time apart lately already! Thank you for your review.

 **LittleBritishPerson** , thank you for your review. I hope they will revisit Ethan's storyline fairly soon as they can't be sure George will still be there in a couple of years. I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter.

 **CBloom2** , thank you for your review. As always, I have more suffering in store for Ethan in this chapter - I hope you enjoy it!

 **ETWentHome** , I hope it's not too contrived! Kate has a lot of reasons for not going, but she doesn't want to ruin Milly's dream and as you say, she needs a job. But I won't make things too easy for her or Ethan! Thank you for your review.

 **X-Sammii-X** , I love the way Charlie has supported Cal. It's really helped Cal and I think it's been also good for Charlie to know he can be a father figure. I'm so glad you like the way I've written Kate. Thank you for your review.

 _Thank you to **Gingersnaps2507** and **ETWentHome** for the favourites._

* * *

"I don't know if I can do this."

"It's okay. If you can't, then you can't. But give it a few more minutes. If you really can't, that's fine. It's a big step and maybe I did push you into it. But if you want to give it a try, you're not alone. I'll be here every step of the way."

Ethan looked at the ED again. "Everyone's going to look at me differently."

"Yes, they might," admitted Cal. "I know I am."

He heard Ethan's intake of breath.

"Not in a bad way," Cal said quickly. "Ethan, I've always, well, please don't quote me on this, but I've always admired you. And now, seeing you go back to work, with all this hanging over you, it makes me admire you even more. If anyone at the ED sees you differently, that's why. Because of your courage."

"But what if they think less of me?" said Ethan, his eyes wide behind his glasses.

"Then tell me and I'll sort them out," said Cal, giving his brother a friendly hug. "If you haven't already sorted them out yourself, I mean."

* * *

"I don't know if I can do this."

"It's okay. If you can't, then you can't. But give it a few more minutes. If you really can't, that's fine. It's a big step and maybe I did push you into it. But if you want to give it a try, you're not alone. I'll be here every step of the way."

Kate looked at the ED again. "If I see Nibbles..."

"You won't," said Milly. "You're not going in there. It's a big hospital: you could be working here for years without seeing anyone from the ED."

She was right, of course, but Ethan was so much on Kate's mind today.

"It's just an interview," said Milly gently. "Just go in, do your best and get a feel for the place. If they offer you the job and you're not happy, you can always say no."

* * *

Ethan was sure the patients were all wondering about him. Connie had agreed Ethan should work with Cal for the first few days – not, she had said firmly, because she had any doubts about his ability, but because she didn't want him to take on too much, too soon. "As you know, it can be very challenging emotionally and very draining, working in an ED. I don't want to throw you back in at the deep end when you've already got so much to deal with."

So Ethan had spent the morning shadowing Cal. Cal had told him he was welcome to jump in with any ideas, but so far, Ethan had stayed silent, offering the patients no more than a quick smile when Cal had introduced him. Even when they asked if he was a student (which had happened twice already), it was Cal who replied, saying Ethan had taken time off work due to illness and he was being eased back in gently.

"How are you doing?" asked Cal sympathetically when they were alone in a cubicle after sending a patient to x-ray.

Ethan shrugged. It beat sitting around at home with nothing to do but think, but not by much. He felt none of the enjoyment and enthusiasm he usually did. He couldn't appreciate how each new experience would go towards making him a better doctor when he knew he'd probably never reach his potential.

Cal caught him by the arms, concern on his face. "Why don't you go and grab us both a coffee? I'll discharge the metatarsal and the time-waster, then we'll have a chat."

Ethan nodded. He saw surprise on Cal's face that he hadn't put up an argument, then sadness as he remembered why. Ethan reached out and squeezed Cal's shoulder, wanting to comfort him but knowing he couldn't. Slowly, he made his way to the shop. The staff room would be more private, but making tea seemed like too much effort.

The shop was almost in sight. He walked around the corner of the waiting room… and stopped short.

She was there. Kate. Talking to a woman he vaguely recognised.

Kate had a smile on her face, but she must have seen something from the corner of her eye. She turned and glanced at him. Then she stared. Her smile faded and her face seemed to grow paler. The woman was still speaking to her, but Kate clearly wasn't attending.

Ethan found he'd moved towards her without meaning to. He gazed at her in misery which seemed to be reflected on her face.

He saw the woman she was with touch her arm. Kate turned to her at once, clearly apologising. A word or two floated over to Ethan. He felt something twist painfully inside him as he heard her voice.

Why had this had to happen? Why couldn't they just be happy?

* * *

"I've already decided," said Kate. "I don't want the job."

Her voice shook slightly. She looked down but didn't miss the concern on Milly's face. "Kate, if it wasn't Nibbles' hospital, would you want the job?"

Kate wanted to say no. To close the conversation once and for all. But she couldn't lie to her best friend. "Probably," she admitted. "I really like the shop. There's a really good selection of teas and coffees and I'm allowed to make my own snacks if I want to – the last permanent girl had her own range of tea. And Noel, Honey's dad, works on reception and he's really lovely. We didn't talk because he was busy, but he waved at me."

Milly stroked her arm. "You probably won't see Nibbles very often. The doctors probably have their own kitchen."

"They do," said Kate, "but a lot of them prefer to buy a coffee rather than make it." She sighed. "It all seemed so perfect. It was only when we went to see the shop and I realised it was in the ED…"

"I know it's really awkward," said Milly. "I'd feel the same if it was my ex. But Kate, if you really think this job is perfect apart from Nibbles, you should take it. I know he hurt you, but you can't let him hurt you again by letting him stop you from taking a job I can see you really want."

"I probably won't even be offered it," said Kate. "I'm sure they'd think twice about appointing anyone with a dismissal on their CV."

Milly looked sympathetic. "Well, Holby's a big place. There will be other jobs. And once I'm an assistant manager, I'm sure I'll get at least some say in who we employ!"

Kate smiled back. "I'm so glad you accepted the job, Milly. It's perfect for you and your boss is lovely! Even if I don't get a job here, I'll come and visit you every chance I get. And you never know that the future will bring..."

* * *

"Look, there are any number of reasons why she might be here," said Cal. "She could be a patient. And you know she's got mates here."

"She doesn't really," said Ethan, who hadn't lost the agitated look that had been on his face ever since he'd seen Kate. "Louise is off work and Alicia doesn't work here."

"Louise might have been to the fracture clinic," said Cal. "Kate might have been… lost. Asking for directions."

Ethan's voice wobbled. "I never meant to hurt her. I just wanted her to be happy."

Cal shook his head. "Ethan, you can't let this control your life. There's no reason why you can't have relationships. Even children."

"You really think I'd wish this on anyone else?" said Ethan harshly. "I wouldn't wish this on… on Taylor! I certainly couldn't wish it on my own child."

"You could have pre-implantation genetic diagnosis," said Cal.

Ethan's voice began to shake. "You seriously think I could put someone I loved through that? Testing the embryos and then throwing away the ones that carry the gene? How could I ask any mother to do that? I know you could argue it's not a baby yet so it doesn't matter, but it matters to me. And do you have any idea how it would feel, Cal? Losing a potential baby because it has the gene and knowing it's my fault?"

Cal watched helplessly as tears poured down Ethan's face. He reached for Ethan's hands, but Ethan pushed him away.

"It's just not going to happen, Cal. It can't happen! I can't allow it to happen." Ethan dashed his hands angrily across his face and picked up his mug. "I know you're trying to help. Maybe you genuinely do believe I could have a normal life, but I can't, and every time you mention it, it just brings it home to me even more forcefully that I can't and I never will and-" Ethan stopped and stared in horror as his mug slipped from his grasp and smashed on the floor.

Then slowly, he seemed to crumple. He dropped to his knees beside the mug and sobbed as though his heart was breaking.

Cal was crying too as he knelt in front of his brother and put his arms around him. "It was just an accident, Ethan. It happens to everyone and it's even more likely to happen when you're stressed or upset. You know how often it's happened to me! It doesn't mean anything, Ethan. It doesn't mean anything at all."

"But one day it will!" Ethan almost screamed. Then he started sobbing again. "One day it will. And then everything will be over."

* * *

Kate gripped the phone tighter. "You're serious?"

"Completely serious, Kate. We were very impressed by your interview – and by your honesty. You were clearly the stand-out candidate. Not the most experienced, though you have more experience than your predecessor, but in an ED, you don't necessarily want the experienced person. You want someone who cares. We believe you do – especially after our little chat with Noel. He saw us showing you the shop and wanted to appoint himself as your personal referee."

"Did he? Oh, that was so kind of him!" said Kate. "He came into my old café once and he's so lovely. I had no idea he worked at the hospital till I saw him today."

"So, all that remains is to ask for your official acceptance, Kate. Would you be interested in the post of barista and shop assistant at Holby City ED?"

 _No. I can't. I couldn't risk seeing Ethan._

"I'd be delighted," said Kate.


	17. Chapter 17

**ETWentHome** , there's a good chance Ethan won't be very pleased to see Kate, but maybe he'll get over it? He'll have to if this story's going to have a happy ending! Ethan hasn't forgotten the mug quite yet... Thank you for your review.

 **Gillian Kearney Fan** , I'm so glad you liked that Kate and Ethan had the same thoughts - I was a bit worried no-one would notice. Ethan's reaction to Kate's presence will be coming up very soon. Thank you for your review.

 **X-Sammii-X** , thank you for your review. I think you're right about Ethan not wanting a relationship and Kate being wary of the man who hurt her, but I have plans to push them together! I'm glad you like supportive Cal.

 **CBloom2** , Ethan definitely needs to let Kate make her own choices, but as usual, he's trying to do the right thing, and for once, he's getting it wrong! He will be seeing Kate very soon. Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. I'm glad you like the support between Cal and Ethan, and Milly and Kate. I find it helps to imagine what Cal and Ethan would say to me. They kind of talk over the bad voices.

 **LittleBritishPerson** , thank you for your review. Even once Ethan has become more accepting of his condition, I think the question of having children will be a very difficult one. Awkwardness between Kate and Ethan seems likely!

 **tracys dream** , I'm not sure Ethan will like having Kate around at first, but I'm really hoping he'll get to like the idea! Thank you for your review.

* * *

Cal kept his arm around Ethan as they walked into the kitchen. "You can do it, Ethan. I know you can."

Ethan shook his head. There was fear in his eyes and Cal could feel him trembling. It broke Cal's heart.

"Come on, Ethan," said Cal. "You can do this. I promise."

"No," whispered Ethan, and pressed closer to Cal – something he hadn't done for a good fifteen years before his diagnosis, but did all the time now. "I'm not ready, Cal."

Cal rubbed his shoulder. "Ethan, if I thought it would do any good, of course I'd let you wait as long as it took. But I think waiting is making you more scared, not less."

"And don't tell me," said Ethan, his voice shaking as his eyes filled with the tears that came all too easily now, at the least provocation. "The longer I leave it, the more chance there is that I really won't be able to make a cup of tea ever again."

"Ethan!" Cal was getting teary now too. "I didn't mean that. I just meant the longer you leave it, the more scared you're going to get. But I know you can do this. I know how brave you are. Think of the Ferris wheel."

Ethan took his glasses off so he could wipe his eyes. "I'll try," he whispered. "But I won't be able to do it."

"I know you will," said Cal. He moved his hand up and down Ethan's back. "And I'll be right here."

Ethan switched on the kettle and opened the cupboard where the mugs were kept. He held out his hand in front of him for a moment – Cal had done it often enough himself to know he was checking for tremors – and chose a mug. Cal noticed he'd taken one of the plain ones rather than one of his favourites, but it was a start.

Ethan put the mug carefully on the table and dropped a tea bag into it. When the kettle boiled, he extended his hand towards it and ensured his hold was firm before he lifted it. Very slowly and carefully, frowning with effort and concentration, he tilted the kettle so a tiny dribble of water came out of the spout. He filled it almost to the brim and put the kettle down again.

Cal watched as Ethan got a carton of milk from the fridge and carried it back to the kettle. He poured it into the mug without spilling a drop – which was a lot more than Cal usually managed. Ethan returned the carton to the fridge and carried the mug over to the table, where he placed it on a coaster (Ethan was fussy about things like that).

"Well done!" said Cal, genuinely happy for his brother, but Ethan looked as miserable as ever.

"The fact you even need to say 'well done' shows how different things are," he sighed.

* * *

Kate sat in her bed in her new room in her new flat and told herself that things were good. She'd moved, finally leaving the past behind. She was living with her best friend. She had what would have been her dream job were it not for Nibbles. Alicia and Louise were here too, and Kate and Milly were going over to Louise's flat to see them tomorrow night.

But now Kate was alone. So alone.

She heard a light tap on the door, which opened about an inch. "Kate, are you okay?"

Kate swallowed. "I'm fine, Milly."

"Are you sure? Can I come in?"

"Of course," said Kate. She didn't feel able to say no. She wiped her eyes and tried to smile as Milly entered.

The look of concern on Milly's face deepened when she saw Kate's tears. She sat on the bed beside Kate and enfolded her in her arms. "It's going to be okay, sweetheart. It's always hard when you move."

"I feel so silly," whispered Kate as she hid her face in Milly's shoulder.

Milly stroked her hair. "You're not being silly. It's the first day you haven't bought flowers, isn't it?"

Kate sniffed. "Yes, it is." Although she'd come down to Holby a few times, she'd never stayed more than one night and had always ensured she arrived back in time to visit the florist.

"I'm sure your mum knows you're thinking of her," said Milly softly. "She'd be worried to see you crying, but she'll be happy your life is going so well."

"But is it?" said Kate. "I've got a job I don't know I'll be good at, living in a place I'm not completely sure I'll like, serving tea to the guy who rejected me. And I feel so awful for not buying the flowers, Milly. I've always done that. Even when I was ill. Even when there was six inches of snow. I always did it. No matter how I bad I felt: when I was close to her, everything seemed all right. And now I can't do it anymore."

* * *

Ethan watched the kettle nervously as it built up to boiling point.

There was no reason to suppose he would drop the cup. He'd carried numerous cups at home (under Cal's supervision) without dropping one, but returning to the staff room filled him with trepidation. For the last couple of weeks, he'd gone to the shop and bought his tea, as many of the ED staff did, but Ethan didn't want to continue like that for the rest of his life.

Not that he would be able to make himself cups of tea for the rest of his life. He might, if he was lucky, manage to make tea for another ten years. Possibly even twenty. But after that…

The kettle boiled. Ethan reached for the kettle and another image came into his mind. The image of his hand trembling as he tried to pour hot water from the kettle into the cup. The image of boiled water going everywhere.

Ethan brought his hand back sharply. He couldn't pour tea with shaky hands – and his hands were shaking now, merely from the thought of how difficult he would one day find it.

 _I'll go to the shop_ , thought Ethan. _It's quicker and safer and much easier to carry._

He hurried out of the staff room and almost collided with his brother.

"Are you okay?" asked Cal.

"I'm on my break," said Ethan, as eager to avoid Cal as he was to avoid the question.

Cal looked at him for a moment. "Yeah. Me too."

Ethan was sure he hadn't been until that moment, but there was no way of proving it. He shrugged and started walking, with Cal almost glued to his side.

The shop was empty, as it usually was. Not many of the patients and relatives seemed to have much interest in eating. Cal and Ethan went inside.

Ethan heard Cal's indrawn breath and turned to look at his brother. Cal was staring ahead of him.

Ethan looked too.

"Hey," said the barista, waving her hand awkwardly. "Don't worry, Dr Hardy. I'm not stalking you. I promise."

She looked so beautiful. Her dark hair looked so thick and soft and shiny. She looked slightly nervous, but she was smiling too.

"How can I help you both?" said Kate.

"I-I, um, I…" All Ethan could do was stare.

"What my brother is trying to say," began Cal, "is-"

"I have to go," whispered Ethan. He turned and fled from the shop.

* * *

Kate watched him go. She had been afraid Ethan would be angered by her presence, but the expression on his face seemed much more like fear.

She didn't want anyone to be frightened of her. She was just an ordinary girl, trying to do her best on her first day in a new job. She wanted the people she served to like her, or at least not dislike her. She didn't want them to run away as soon as they laid eyes on her.

She lowered her head, wondering if she'd made a mistake in coming here. If all she was going to do was frighten Ethan and feel her heart breaking again, she couldn't see herself enjoying this job.

But that thought disappeared as soon as it had come. Until Ethan had appeared, she'd loved her first day. Noel had been waiting for her when she'd arrived and he'd done all he could to get her settled in, introducing her to his reception colleague, Jack (who really did call him Noelle), and to various other staff members who'd come for coffee. There was a lovely little nurse with red hair and a very kind porter who'd both seemed very friendly.

Cal had looked as though he was going to follow Ethan, but at the last minute, he turned back and came over to the counter. "Hey, Kate."

"Hey. I recognise you from the café, but I'm afraid I don't know your name."

"I'm Dr Caleb Knight, Ethan's brother. But you can call me Cal." Cal's smile was sincere and friendly, but no more. "Don't worry about Ethan. He's going through a really tough time and he's been pushing everyone away."

"I'm really sorry if I've made it worse," said Kate.

"Of course you haven't," said Cal. "It's just been really difficult for him. He was having confidence issues; then I gave him a major shock that didn't help; then we lost our mum... now he's had more bad news."

Kate looked at him, noting the signs of strain in his face. "Was your mum the lady in the café with you?"

Cal nodded, sadness coming into his eyes.

"I'm sorry," said Kate gently. "I remember her. She was so beautiful."

"Yeah. She was." Cal tried to smile. "She was very ill then, but.. thank you." His voice shook slightly. "You can see where I get my good looks from, can't you?"

Kate smiled. "I can indeed. Is there anything can I get you, Cal? A cup of tea? And would Nibbles, I mean Ethan like anything?"

"Two coffees would be good," said Cal. "One with three sugars and one with none. Thanks, Kate."

"Coming up." Kate set to work, aware that Cal was watching her, his expression thoughtful.

"Kate. Listen. About Nibbles."

Kate held her breath.

"He's a good guy," said Cal. "He might have lost his way a bit at the moment, but I'm going to do everything I can to ensure he gets through this."

Kate saw the determination in his eyes and smiled. "He's lucky to have a brother like you."

"I don't know about that," said Cal seriously. "But I'm lucky to have a brother like him."


	18. Chapter 18

**X-Sammii_X** , thank you for your review. I'm so glad the chapter made your day better, though I'm sorry it needed to be made better. Kate and Noel probably don't have much in common, but Kate's good at connecting with people. I think I'm jealous of her!

 **CBloom2** , Ethan might not be happy Cal talked to Kate, but it probably did ease her mind a bit to know he was under a lot of stress and isn't naturally horrible. Thank you for your review - I'm glad you liked the chapter.

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. I agree Kate would understand, but Ethan isn't that good at confiding in people. I'm glad you liked the part where Ethan was pouring out the tea - I didn't want it to be overdramatic or boring.

 **LittleBritishPerson** , I think Cal would love to get Ethan and Kate together, but he knows he has to go carefully. Luckily, Cal doesn't usually have a problem talking to women! Thank you for your review.

 **Lara** , I'd like Ethan and Kate to get together too! I'm glad you like the sections from Kate's point of view and the mug scenes. I really wanted to flesh Kate out as a character. Thank you for your review.

 **20BlueRoses** , thank you for your review. I'm sure Cal is tempted to tell Kate the full story, but this really would be the worst time for him to break Ethan's trust when Ethan is relying on him so much. But we know what Cal's like...

* * *

Ethan was sitting outside on a bench, his glasses in his hands. Cal went over and sat beside him. There were tears on Ethan's cheeks and his shallow breathing suggested he was trying to hold back sobs.T

Cal put Ethan's coffee on the bench beside him. "I'm here, okay?"

Ethan glanced at him and quickly wiped his hands across his face. "I'm sorry. I just… seeing her again. She's so beautiful. And she actually liked me. And I… _can't_."

"You can, you know," said Cal. "If you and Kate really like each other, there are ways around it."

"Not ways which I'm prepared to put her through," said Ethan with finality. "She wouldn't like me now anyway."

Cal hesitated, then moved his arm so it was around Ethan's shoulders. Far from shrugging it off, Ethan actually leaned in to him.

"I told her I wasn't interested," whispered Ethan as more tears fell. "I told her she wasn't intelligent enough for me. I made her cry and I feel so awful about it."

Shocked, Cal bit back his first response, which was to say he had reason to feel awful. That wouldn't help. "I think she still does like you. She was very understanding when I-"

"You told her?" hissed Ethan, moving sharply away from Cal.

"Of course not!" said Cal. "I would never give away your private medical details like that. I just told her about Mum dying and both of us taking it hard. She was really understanding. And she said Mum was beautiful. She didn't say she was the woman who choked or the woman with chorea. She just said she was beautiful and she meant it."

Ethan closed his eyes and expelled his breath in a soft sigh. "She's really lovely. I knew she was. And I feel so terrible about hurting her, but I can't put her in this position. I can't let her get into a relationship with me, knowing that she could end up being my carer. What kind of life is that to offer anyone?"

"Well, first of all, you're jumping the gun a bit, aren't you?" said Cal. "You have no idea things are going to get that far, so why worry about it? And even if things do get to that stage, don't you think it's up to Kate to decide if it's the kind of life she wants? I mean, I'd much rather marry a girl I really loved who had an illness than settle for a healthy girl I didn't like half as much."

"But you're a doctor, Cal," said Ethan. "You chose a job that involved caring for people. Kate didn't."

"From what I hear, she's very caring," said Cal. "She was really worried about you – and have you heard Noel singing her praises? Even Louise likes her and she doesn't like many people."

"No, Caleb." Ethan held his hands out in front of him. "The discussion is over. It can't happen. Please don't mention it again."

* * *

Kate leaned against the counter, her head in her hands. She'd thought that having an alternative explanation for Ethan's behaviour would make her feel better, but it didn't. Now both brothers had gone, the shock of the encounter was hitting her fully and all she wanted was to go somewhere private where she could be alone.

 _I just hope I don't get any customers anytime soon!_ Kate thought as she fought back tears. _How am I supposed to smile and be happy when Ethan's so sad?_

She heard a light footstep and quickly stood up straight, ready to fake a smile at her customer, but when she saw it was Alicia, she found she could produce a real smile after all, if a slightly teary one.

"Hey, what's wrong?" said Alicia, concerned. "Has something happened?"

"It's complicated," said Kate. "Don't worry about it. How are you? Is Louise with you?"

Alicia shook her head. "No, I just came to see how you were doing on your first day. Louise says hey, but she didn't feel like coming out today."

"I'm sorry: is she feeling worse?" asked Kate, concerned. She felt ashamed of herself now. How could she be so upset over a guy who didn't like her when Louise was in pain?

"I think she's just a bit tired," said Alicia. "We went out yesterday and possibly overdid it a bit. Are you sure you're okay? First days in a new job can be tough and it's not like you've really got anyone looking out for you."

"Noel's been a big help," said Kate. "He was waiting for me when I arrived and he came to see me when he was on his break."

Alicia reached for her hand. "But something has upset you, hasn't it, sweetheart?"

Kate looked into her kind eyes and really wanted to tell her. "It's nothing really. But I asked Ethan out a while ago and he turned me down. Now things are a bit awkward."

Alicia gasped with excitement. "You never told me you knew Ethan!"

"Long story," said Kate. "He came to the café… I'll tell you about it when I've got more time."

"Ethan is really shy and he's been through a lot," said Alicia. "Honey really hurt him so he's probably not ready to get into another relationship. But don't give up. I think you and Ethan would be good together."

"That's kind of what Cal said," admitted Kate.

Alicia smiled. "And he's right for once. Don't worry. I know it must be really awkward, but I'm sure things will get easier."

"I hope so," said Kate fervently, but then she laughed. "Listen to me. How silly am I? I've only met him three times and I'm going on like he broke my heart! I'm sorry, Alicia. Let's change the subject."

"No, it's fine," said Alicia. "There is such a thing as love at first sight! Your feelings are your feelings. You don't have to apologise for them or be embarrassed by them. It always hurts to be rejected and let's face it: Ethan is gorgeous, intelligent and a really lovely guy! Who wouldn't fall in love with him?"

* * *

Ethan spent the next few days avoiding the shop. On the positive side, it meant he had to make tea for himself in the staff room. Cal was with him the first couple of times, but to Ethan's relief, there were no breakages or even spillages.

He wouldn't have said he felt okay though. He was able to function and go to work and eat his meals, but he still cried a lot, alone in his room once Cal had gone to bed. Ethan had tried to persuade Cal to go out with his mates after work and have some fun, but Cal always refused, saying he was tired. Ethan had wondered at first if this was just an excuse, but the last couple of months had been very tough on Cal. Perhaps drunken nights out with the lads didn't have the same appeal anymore.

He didn't see Kate, but Robyn and Max had become quite friendly with the new barista and Ethan often heard them talking about Kate and their plans for tonight. Apparently (not that he'd _really_ been listening), she wasn't a heavy drinker, but it sounded like they had fun. Max enjoyed Kate's company so much, Ethan wasn't entirely surprised to hear Zoe criticising her, though it did make him angry. Zoe felt that Kate spent too much time chatting to her customers and letting the queue build up. Ethan wanted to argue, but as he never went to the shop, he didn't see what he could say.

At least Cal was supportive and wasn't trying to push Ethan and Kate together. Quite the reverse in fact. On one particularly stressful day, he stopped Ethan when he was leaving the staff room. "Where are you off to?"

"Outside for my break," said Ethan. "Why?"

Cal ignored the defensiveness his voice. "It's just you might not want to go too near the reception desk for a bit."

He didn't say why, but Ethan could guess. Presumably, Kate was there, chatting to Noel. He was another who spent a lot of time talking about Kate. It was almost as though he'd adopted her as a replacement for Honey. Ethan didn't think this was healthy, but he also didn't think it was his business.

Ethan went back to work, but he realised it was a mistake almost straight away. He was feeling particularly low today and all his patients seemed to be annoyed with him. One threw a (thankfully empty) vomit bowl at his head while another mocked his way of speaking and cast aspersions on the marital status of his parents. Ethan didn't know what to do. He wondered if he should report it as abuse of a member of staff, but he didn't want to make a fuss about nothing.

Having discharged the two problem patients, Ethan hoped things would become easier, but the next one was worse. He wanted an x-ray and he wanted it now.

"In this situation, it would be more usual to go for a CT scan," said Ethan.

"X-ray; CT scan: what's the difference! Just get me one!"

Ethan nervously took a step closer. "W-would you mind if I, um, made a-a physical examination?"

"What's wrong with you? Can't you even talk properly?"

"I-I-I of course I can," said Ethan, trying not to show that he was intimidated. He stretched his hands towards the exposed stomach. His hands shook.

Ethan snatched them away again.

The man laughed. "Are you scared of me or something?"

"No," whispered Ethan.

He only wished he could be sure that was all it was.

"So, um, I-I'll book an x-ray slot, Mr um..." he stammered, desperate to get away.

"You said a CT scan just now," said the man. "And what happened to the physical examination?"

Ethan had forgotten that.

He'd _forgotten_ it. And his hands were shaking and he was struggling to speak…

It could be because he felt intimidated, but he didn't believe that. He couldn't.

"Are you drunk or something?" taunted the man. "Or just on drugs? I can see there's something not right about you. Look at your hands! I wouldn't trust _you_ to give me a blood test. You'd probably kill me!"

Ethan pressed his hands to the side of his head. "Just… just… just stop it!" he shouted, and ran out of the hospital.


	19. Chapter 19

**Bonnie Sveen Fan** , thank you for your review. If Ethan didn't have Cal to support him, he would probably be feeling even worse.

 **20BlueRoses** , exactly - it's a perfectly normal and understandable reaction to a frightening situation, but right now, Ethan can only assume the worst. He needs someone to look after him, whether it's Kate or not! Thank you for your review.

 **X-Sammii-X** , Ethan doesn't deserve it at all and it would be especially hard to cope with now. Cal likes to tease Ethan, but he also really cares about him. I think he'd get that a simple act like making tea could become terrifying. Thank you for your review.

 **CBloom2** , someone definitely needs to give Ethan a hug! I'm sure Cal would if he knew what had happened, but he can't be with Ethan all the time. Thank you for your review. I'm so happy you're enjoying the story.

 **tracys dream** , thank you for your review. Ethan is definitely in need of some support right now - we've just got to hope someone saw him leave!

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. As Ethan didn't tell anyone he was going, it's quite likely the patient will remain untreated for some time. Unfortunately, Ethan's not used to receiving good advice from Cal, but he does need to listen!

 **Lara** , Ethan is lovely! And I bet he'd look adorable wrapped up in cotton wool. I don't think stories about bad things happening to bad people would be nearly as enjoyable. We can all connect and sympathise with Ethan! Thank you for your review.

 _Thank you to **LeilaTheGalaxyDefender** for the follow._

* * *

Kate watched in concern as a distraught-looking Ethan ran past her and out of the hospital.

Nobody else seemed to have noticed. Noel was occupied with a patient. She considered going to look for Cal, but she wasn't allowed to go in cubicles or Resus so she had little chance of finding him.

There was only one thing Kate could do. She went outside. Ethan was sitting on one of the benches. His glasses sat untidily on the seat beside him, looking as though he'd torn them from his face and flung them aside. His head was buried in his hands and even from here, Kate could see he was trembling.

She went over to him and sat beside him. His breathing was even quicker and harsher now. She touched his arm. "Ethan. What's wrong?"

Ethan lowered his hands and stared at her. He wasn't crying, but he looked upset. "Can't… breathe," he gasped out. He pressed a hand to his chest. "Hurts."

"Shall I get someone?" said Kate. She had minimal basic first aid training, but a doctor or nurse would be able to help a lot more than she could.

Ethan didn't answer, but his breathing became even more agitated. Kate decided she couldn't leave him. She got out her phone and called Alicia. "I think Ethan's having a panic attack. Can you talk me through what to do, please?"

"Of course, sweetheart." Alicia's voice was calm and reassuring. "Can you take Ethan's hand and hold it against your chest?"

Kate nearly dropped the phone. "Alicia, I'm being serious! I really do think he's having a panic attack."

"I know, Kate," said Alicia reassuringly. "I mean put your hand near the top of the chest so Ethan can feel you breathing. I wasn't suggesting you let Ethan grope you. I doubt that will calm him down!"

"Sorry." Kate felt silly now.

"No, it's my fault," said Alicia. "I'm too used to talking to doctors and nurses. Have you got Ethan's hand? Now, talk to him. Tell him to follow your breathing."

Ethan's hand was warm and clammy, but also very soft. It was an effort for Kate to keep her breathing slow when she was holding it, but she had to do it for Ethan. "Ethan, it's okay. Can you feel my breathing? See if you can breathe like that. Can you breathe in for me, Ethan? Come on. It's okay. I know you can do this. You don't have to be as slow as me straight away, but let's see if we can take it down a little bit at a time."

She could tell Ethan was trying, but it wasn't helping.

"Have you got a paper bag?" said Alicia.

"There are some in the shop," said Kate. "But I can't leave him."

"Okay. Try singing him a song. Something you'll think he knows. Get him to sing with you."

"What?!" Again, it crossed Kate's mind that Alicia might be having her on, but that wouldn't be like Alicia. "Okay. What kind of music do you like, Ethan?"

No answer.

"He likes foreign films," offered Alicia. "Do you know any foreign songs?"

" _Foreign_ songs? Um… well…" Kate could only think of one. "Um… can you sing this with me, Ethan? _Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir? Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?_ "

Alicia burst out laughing, but she quickly composed herself. "That's good, Kate. Keep singing that. I'm sure it'll get a reaction."

"I don't know the next line!" said Kate. She looked at Ethan, who was staring at her with wide eyes.

"Just keep singing the same thing," said Alicia. "Maybe Ethan will tell you the next line."

Kate carried on singing. "Come on, Ethan. Sing with me. _Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?_ _Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?_ I know it's not the best song in the world and I only know two lines, but on the bright side, even if you don't know the song, you know it now!"

Ethan's breathing seemed to be slowing. He whispered the words to her.

"That's good, Ethan," said Kate. "Let's keep going." She was sure she was going to die from embarrassment later, but as long as Ethan was okay.

She kept singing. Ethan gradually moved from whispering to singing softly.

"Make sure he's looking at you," said Alicia. "He needs something to focus on."

"Ethan, look at me," said Kate. " _Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?_ _Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?_ Look into my eyes, okay?" Now she sounded like a hypnotist as well as a nymphomaniac. "Or… maybe my nose? Or something?"

Ethan lifted his head. He was squinting hard, but his eyes seemed to be looking right into Kate's as they sang together. His face still looked a bit red. Perhaps he was as embarrassed as Kate.

"That's better," said Kate, when Ethan's breathing finally returned to normal. "He's okay now, Alicia."

"If you think he'll be okay on his own, you could get him some water," said Alicia.

"Ethan, will you be okay if I go and get you some water?"

Ethan nodded.

Kate realised she was still holding his hand and wondered how she could have forgotten. As she slowly let go of his hand, she felt a surge of affection for him. "I'll be back soon."

* * *

Ethan was quite tempted to get up and go back to work, but although he'd stopped panicking, he still felt a bit shaky. He didn't think working or even standing up would be sensible.

Besides, it wouldn't be fair. Kate had been so lovely and coped so well. He ought to stay and thank her at the very least.

He'd treated her horribly and she'd been so kind to him.

Kate was smiling when she returned. "Ethan? How are feeling now?"

Ethan saw she was holding out a cup of water. "Oh, is that for me? Thank you, Kate. I'm much better now." He took it, only to realise his hand was shaking. It was probably just reaction, but what if it wasn't?

"Here: do you want me to take that?" said Kate. "I'm not surprised you're still shaky."

"Thank you." Ethan felt his eyes mist over. Whoever ended up with Kate would be a lucky man.

If it weren't for this stupid gene, it could have been him.

Or perhaps not. She might have gone off him very quickly.

Kate held the cup so Ethan could have a sip. "I'll give you some more in a minute. Would you like me to see if I can find Cal?

"No. I'll be fine," said Ethan. He lifted his hands and realised they'd stopped shaking. "I can take the cup now. Thank you."

Kate smiled. "Here you are, then."

Their hands touched. Ethan felt his hand jump. He looked at in horror. Was that a symptom? Or just a reaction to touching her?

"Ethan, it's okay," said Kate softly. "You're okay now. Don't worry. Do you know what caused the attack?"

"Just a patient," said Ethan. "He was aggressive." He sighed. Now he sounded really pathetic. "I'm sorry. You should go back to work now."

"I'm on my break," said Kate. "But I can go if you'd like to be alone."

She was smiling, but Ethan didn't think he'd imagined the sadness in her voice. He'd hurt her again. "I… well…"

Kate touched his arm lightly. "I'll see you later, Ethan. I hope you feel better soon." She stood up and started to walk away.

"Wait!" said Ethan.

Kate turned back to him. "Yes?"

Ethan put his glasses on. "Kate, I'm sorry for the way I spoke to you. It was rude and cruel and completely unforgivable."

"Ethan, it's fine," said Kate. She came back and sat down. "And it's not unforgiveable because I forgave you ages ago. You weren't interested. You had to let me know. I'm sorry for bringing up the subject when you were working. I should have taken the hint. If I'm asking someone why they don't want to go out with me, I can't really expect them to say anything good!"

"But I do…" Ethan stopped. "I mean, it wasn't true. I would never choose not to go out with someone just because they were stupid. Oh, not that I'm saying you're stupid! I know you're not." He looked deep into her eyes and saw only compassion. "I'm so sorry for what I said."

Kate touched his hand. "Please don't blame yourself, Ethan. It's not your fault you're not interested."

"But I am!" said Ethan. "I mean… I would have been. If things were different."

An emotion flickered across Kate's face. It might have been sadness, but she quickly covered it with a smile. "Have you already got someone?"

"No, I haven't," said Ethan. "But I… I… I have Huntington's disease."

He could tell from the shock on Kate's face that she had at least some idea of what it was. "Oh, Ethan. I'm so sorry." She slipped her hand into his and squeezed it.

Her hand was so warm. It was gentle, but there was strength in her grip. Ethan's eyes filled with tears. "I can't have a relationship with anyone. It wouldn't be fair. I have a 50% chance of passing the gene on to any child I have. Those odds are too big. I would never want anyone else to feel as I feel now. Especially not my child."

"You could adopt," said Kate.

"Possibly, but it would have to be on my own," said Ethan. He tried to keep his voice steady, but there was a lump in his throat and his tears were still threatening to escape. "I couldn't have a relationship. The chances of conceiving a child by accident are too great. And I couldn't deny a woman the chance of having her own child. I just couldn't."

Kate rubbed her thumb against the back of his hand. "Aren't there ways of testing?"

"Yes, but I could never ask someone to do that," said Ethan. "Never." His tears were falling now. He took his glasses off so he could wipe them away. "I'm sorry. I'm okay really."

"You don't have to be okay," said Kate. "You're sad, Ethan. It's okay to express that."

It was getting too much. She was so kind and so perfect and she actually liked him, but they couldn't be together. Ethan put his hand over his mouth, but he couldn't stop himself from sobbing.

"Come here," said Kate. Her voice was shaky too. She wrapped her arms around him and cradled his head against her shoulder. "I'm here, Ethan. I'm here."


	20. Chapter 20

**Gillian Kearney Fan** , thank you for your review. I'm glad you like the interactions between Kate and the other characters - there will be another on in this chapter!

 **20BlueRoses** , I really like that you got so emotionally-involved! I just hope this chapter won't seen rubbish in comparison with the last one. Ethan really needs all the friends he can get at them. Thank you for your review.

 **X-Sammii-X** , thank you for your review. There will definitely be more opportunities for Ethan and Kate to talk more and bond more. So far, they've really just admired each other from afar, but it was time to change that!

 **Tanith Panic** , I wondered about writing it so Kate knew what to do, but Casualty is full of people who know first aid! I thought it would be more interesting if she didn't. Thank you for your review.

 _Thank you to **hellsBells610** and **Is-there-somewhere-x** for the follows and **atherts** for the favourite._

* * *

Cal was relieved to see Ethan. He was trying to check up on him regularly, but he seemed to have completely disappeared. His relief vanished when he saw how red Ethan's eyes were. He walked slowly towards Cal, his face blank, but Cal stepped into his path and took hold of his arms.

"Ethan, I'm taking you home. You've had enough for today."

"I'm fine," said Ethan. "I… I just had a bit of a panic attack, but I'm fine now."

"A panic attack? Okay: I still think you need to go home, but we'll go to the staff room now." Cal put his arms firmly around Ethan and took him to the staff room. Cal made tea, looking over at his brother every few seconds. Ethan was sitting very still, slightly hunched over, but there were no further signs of tears.

When the tea was made, he returned to Ethan's side. "What happened, Ethan?"

"I should get back to my patients," said Ethan in a quiet voice.

"I'll deal with your patients," said Cal.

Ethan shook his head. "You don't have to do that."

"Well, for one thing, I still owe you for all the times you covered for me," said Cal.

"Probably not anymore," said Ethan, with a humourless smile.

Cal hugged him tightly. He felt the initial resistance, then Ethan leaned into the embrace, his head dropping onto Cal's shoulder. "Oh, no," said Cal. "I think I've still got a long way to go."

* * *

Kate tried to push the conversation with Ethan out of her mind. She had to. She needed to work and she was afraid she would cry if she thought too deeply about Ethan. It was so sad. Ethan was kind and supportive and a brilliant doctor. He was completely unselfish too.

But when she got home, she couldn't resist looking up Huntington's Disease on the internet and after that, she could do nothing but think of the life Ethan had ahead of him. He probably wouldn't start to show symptoms for several years, but eventually, it would happen. He would slowly deteriorate, gradually needing more and more care until he was entirely dependent on others.

It wasn't fair, thought Kate, as she turned away from the computer, her face wet with tears. It wasn't fair at all.

When Milly got home, Kate quickly dried her tears, but Milly always knew when she was upset even when there were no signs of it – though Kate guessed there were plenty of signs now.

"Kate, what's happened?" she asked, putting her arms around Kate. "Is it... the flowers?"

Kate shook her head. "I talked to Ethan today." She tried to keep her voice steady. "It's so sad, Milly. He has Huntington's."

"That's pretty serious, isn't it?" said Milly.

Kate explained what she knew about it. "And it's a degenerative disease, so he's going to spend the rest of his life getting worse."

"You don't know that's what'll happen," said Milly. They might find a cure or something."

"But what if they don't?" wept Kate. "He doesn't deserve it, Milly. No-one deserves it, but Ethan's so lovely and kind. He does so much for other people. It's not fair."

Milly held her for a few minutes, then she took Kate's hand and spoke seriously. "Now, listen to me, Kate. It is very sad, but you mustn't let it upset you like this. You can't change it. All you can do is be Ethan's friend. Support him when he needs it, but otherwise treat him as normal. I know I don't know Ethan, but at a guess, he'll want to carry on with his life for as long as possible and I'm sure he wouldn't want you to feel this sad."

Kate pulled a tissue from the box near her on the floor. "That's why he won't go out with me. He feels like he can't ever have a relationship. I can understand that and I respect it, but he's going to be so alone, Milly. He's got Cal, but he'll never have someone special."

"That's his choice, Kate," said Milly. "There are lots of things he could do. Have a vasectomy and adopt kids. Have IVF treatment: can't they do a scan for some diseases? Or just not have kids: lots of people choose not to have kids. It will be sad if he's alone, but it's a choice _he_ made, not something that was forced on him. And just because he feels like this now, it doesn't mean he'll always feel like that. He's allowed to change his mind."

"His mum had Huntington's," sobbed Kate. "She came to the café not long before she died. I could see she wasn't well. But she looked so lovely and she didn't seem unhappy."

"Maybe she wasn't unhappy," said Milly. "She had her boys with her. Maybe that was all she wanted."

Kate sniffed. "I just want to do something, Milly. I want to help him. I want to make things better. But I don't know what I can do."

Milly looked at her thoughtfully. "Do you agree with him, Kate? Is it better for him to be alone? Do you consider him out of reach now you know he has Huntington's?"

"He is out of reach," said Kate, as she wiped her eyes. "But only because he's decided that. My feelings haven't changed and why would they? He's still the same lovely person and now I know he's brave and honourable too. I would still go out with him in a second. Maybe one day I'd end up as his carer, but I wouldn't mind. Whoever I end up with, there's a chance that he will become ill and need to be cared for. It would be sad to watch someone I love deteriorating. I know that because I went through it with my mum, but I never regretted caring for her and nothing will ever change the happy memories. She was the most wonderful mother and Ethan would be a wonderful husband. I know he would."

"Maybe you should tell him that?" said Milly.

Kate laughed shakily. "That he'd be a wonderful husband?"

"Probably not that _quite_ yet," said Milly with a smile. "But you could tell him - or rather _show_ him you don't see him any differently."

* * *

Ethan approached the shop nervously and stood at the back of the queue. He hadn't come to the shop since Kate's first day and he felt embarrassed about doing it now, but he wanted to see her again.

She was so kind. She'd listened and understood. He remembered how it had felt to be in her arms as she comforted him. It had made him feel as though everything might be all right. Or if not all right, that he did have good things to look forward to as well as bad.

One thing he'd been looking forward too was seeing Kate again.

So here he was.

Kate didn't seem to notice him at first. She was too busy chatting to Noel about Honey. The former barista had finally managed to meet up with her dad the night before and Noel was telling Kate all about it. She seemed genuinely happy for him and Noel was smiling as he walked away.

Ethan knew the exact moment when Kate saw him. Her smile seemed to freeze slightly and in that microsecond, Ethan thought he'd made a mistake. But then she gave him a smile of such warmth and happiness, he felt almost happy himself.

He listened to her chatting to Lily and noticed how much more relaxed Lily seemed than usual.

"Well, I think you always look fantastic," Kate was saying now. "Smart and professional but not intimidating. And gorgeous too! I would kill for your hair. Or your face, actually."

"Thank you," said Lily a bit awkwardly, but Ethan could hear something like gratitude in her voice. "I actually wish I looked more like you. You have a nice smile. I have always wanted a nice smile."

Kate reached out and touched her hand. "Lily, you do have a nice smile! You really do. But it's difficult to smile when you're not completely comfortable and it's also difficult to make yourself smile. It's much easier if it happens naturally."

"So, what should I do to make myself more comfortable?" said Lily.

"It's good to expose yourself to the things that make you uncomfortable," said Kate, "but not for too long. An evening spent at the pub, for example, might seem like a bit of an ordeal. It's difficult to relax when you know you're likely to be there for a couple more hours. But if you start off just by going for one drink, that shouldn't be as much pressure. It might not be easy the first few times, but that doesn't mean it won't get easier. You just need to take it slowly. Everyone has things they need to get used to."

Lily was silent for a moment, but then she nodded. "Okay. I'll think about it."

"We could go for a drink after work if you wanted," said Kate. "Just the two of us – though I know there will be other people there as well. What do you think?"

Ethan found he was holding his breath. He didn't want Lily to turn Kate down.

"Thank you," said Lily. "I would like that."

"Great!" said Kate. "I'll look forward to it."

Lily paid for her drink and left, and Ethan moved up to the counter. "Hey, Kate. Could I have some coffee, please? White with no sugar."

"Coming right up," said Kate. "How are you, Ethan?"

"I think better than yesterday," said Ethan. He felt suddenly awkward. "I'm not sure if I should apologise for being such a nuisance or thank you for your support. Or both!"

Kate smiled. "How about you do neither? There's really no need. Perhaps instead you could… meet me for a coffee when you're on your break?"

"Oh. Yes. I would like that very much," said Ethan.


	21. Chapter 21

**X-Sammii-X** , it would be interesting if Kate found out what Lily did to Alicia - I don't think Alicia would tell her, but Louise might! Kate doesn't take offence easily, which should help her friendship with Lily. Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. I'm really happy the characters are coming over well. I tried to write them the way Kate sees them. Sometimes Lily is just another doctor, there to perform a job, but to Kate, she's always an individual.

 **CBloom2** , I'm afraid Ethan isn't quite ready to go back to his normal self - possibly in the next chapter! Cal didn't seem that interested in Kate, but he might be jealous because Ethan's got someone and he hasn't. Thank you for your review.

 **20BlueRoses** , thank you for your review - I'm glad the chapter was better than I thought! I'm glad you like the way the character interact. One good thing about Kate is she doesn't really have any idea of a 'right' way to be and behave - she accepts everyone as they are.

* * *

Kate had spent most of the morning feeling nervous, but that faded when she saw Ethan hovering nervously outside the shop. She smiled at him and felt her heart flutter as he returned the smile. "I'll be two minutes, Ethan."

Once she'd finished serving her customers, she got coffees for herself and Ethan, and they went outside. Ethan was looking a bit shy but not unhappy.

"So, um, how was your morning so far?" said Ethan.

Kate smiled. "It was good, thanks. I love working there. I love gradually getting to know the people who work here, but I also love meeting someone once and just getting the tiniest glimpse into their lives. How's your day been?"

"Not bad," said Ethan. "Thank you. A few patients who didn't really need to come to the ED, but some of them have a much more sensible attitude to their health than the emergency patients. I can hardly believe the things they get up to sometimes." He looked slightly apologetic. "I would tell you more, but it's confidential."

"Oh, that's fine," said Kate. "I understand. I get told some quite confidential things by the relatives sometimes. Even though I'm not bound by confidentiality as you are, there are some things you need to keep to yourself."

A worried look came into Ethan's beautiful eyes. "But if you ever hear anything that distresses you, you can always come and talk to me."

"Thank you," said Kate. "And if there's anything you need to talk about that isn't confidential, you can always come and talk to me."

Ethan smiled. "I think I might do. It was good talking to you yesterday."

Kate looked into his eyes. She felt momentarily disorientated and was almost surprised to discover she was still sitting on a bench outside the ED. "Ethan, I was wondering."

"Yes?" said Ethan.

"I'm going for a drink with Lily after work tonight," said Kate. "But maybe tomorrow, would you like to go and have dinner?"

Something showed for the briefest moment in Ethan's eyes – Kate would have described it as surprise or happiness – but then a shutter seemed to come down over his face. "I don't do dates. You know why."

"I know you don't do _relationships_ ," said Kate. "And I accept that, even though I think any girl would be lucky to be your girlfriend. Both now and in the future. But I'm not thinking about a relationship, Ethan. Just dinner."

Ethan's lips parted as though he was about to speak. There was an expression almost of yearning in his eyes. "I'm sorry, Kate. I really am. If things were different…" He drained his coffee quickly and stood up. "I have to get back to work."

"Ethan, wait," said Kate. "It doesn't have to be a date. We could just be friends."

"Of course we can be friends," said Ethan. His voice shook slightly. "I hope we'll always be friends. But I can't have dinner with you, Kate. I'm so sorry, but I can't."

He bent down, kissed her on the cheek and walked quickly away.

Kate wanted to go after him and hug him, but she knew it wouldn't do any good. Ethan was convinced that even a friendly dinner was a bad idea and there was nothing she could do to change that.

She was sad for her own sake, of course. Sad that she'd missed out on the loveliest, kindest, most incredible man she'd ever met. But most of all, she was sad for Ethan.

He didn't deserve this. Nobody did, but definitely not Ethan.

Kate felt so helpless. She could give Alicia a painkiller; ensure that Noel didn't eat his lunch alone; help a dyslexic boy to read the menu; provide temporary sanctuary for Taylor; and help Lily to learn to become more comfortable socially.

But there was nothing she could do for Ethan. If she was a doctor, perhaps she could have researched Huntington's and worked to discover a cure, but she wasn't a doctor and even if she did somehow manage to become one, there was no guarantee her research would be successful.

Ethan was completely beyond her reach. If he kept on pushing people away, he would be beyond everyone's reach. Locked in his own bubble of sadness. Just waiting for the moment when the disease destroyed his life.

"Hello, Kate. May I sit down?"

Kate looked up to see Lily. "Yes, of course. Please do." She wasn't in the mood for company, but she didn't want to push people away as Ethan was doing - especially someone as sensitive as Lily.

Lily sat down. "Are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine," said Kate. "I was just talking to Ethan." She searched Lily's face, trying to work out how much she knew, but Lily's face remained blank.

"Do you know Ethan well?" she asked, rather abruptly.

"Not really," said Kate. "But he has… confided in me."

Lily's posture stiffened slightly. "About what?"

Kate wanted to tell her. She wanted to share the burden with someone who knew Ethan and would understand, but she knew she couldn't. Lily's manner might mean she did know about Ethan's Huntington's and she was wondering if Kate knew – or it could mean that she knew there was something but didn't know what and was wondering if Kate mighttell her.

Even if she did know, they probably shouldn't be discussing it.

"No, you are right," said Lily at last. "I can't say what I know so I can't expect you to do the same."

"I want to help him," said Kate.

"So do I," said Lily. "I can understand a little of his feelings. Some of it is outside my experience, but I know what it's like to lose a parent. My father died a few months ago."

Kate touched her hand gently. "I'm sorry, Lily."

"I thought it would help Ethan," said Lily. "To have a colleague who understands what it's like. But perhaps it wouldn't help. Ethan has already lost one mother. He lost his adoptive mother on the day I met him. But that did not prepare him."

Kate shook her head. "No matter how many parents you lose, it's probably not something you can get used to. We're individuals and our parents are individuals so no two relationships can be quite the same. Even Cal probably can't know exactly how Ethan feels."

"No. perhaps not," said Lily. She released her breath in a sigh. "There is so much I don't understand with personal relationships."

"There will always be people whose feelings and actions we don't understand," said Kate. "We see things in different ways – and we're not all in the same situation anyway. But I think sometimes you don't need to understand. Sometimes just accepting it is enough - and accepting often leads to understanding."

* * *

"Hey, Nibbles," Cal called out cheerfully as Ethan passed, but his brother didn't seem to hear. Cal looked at him more closely, noticing the compressed lips, the frown and the anger in his eyes. "Ethan, are you okay?"

He swept past Cal into the staff room. A moment later, Cal heard a crash.

Cal stood still for a moment, too stunned to move, but then he dropped the file he was holding and ran towards the staff room as a scream of anguish rent the air.

"Why?" shouted Ethan. "Why, why, why, why, WHY ME?"

Cal raced through the door. Ethan had stopped shouting now. He was bent almost double, his hands on his knees, breathing hard. Cal went over to him and wrapped his arms around him as he tried to pull Ethan up into a standing position. "Come on, Ethan. Stand up. It's okay."

"How is it going to be okay?" yelled Ethan. His next words were a whisper. "How is it ever going to be okay?"

With some effort, Cal pulled him upright and supported him as they walked over to the sofa, manoeuvring around the stool lying in the centre of the room: the stool Ethan had obviously thrown to the floor.

"Come on, Ethan. It's okay," said Cal. He didn't know why he'd said that. It was obvious to him it wasn't okay.

Cal pushed Ethan gently down onto the sofa and sat beside him, his arms still around them. Ethan, breathing heavily, snatched his glasses from his face and hid his face in his hands.

Cal stroked circles on Ethan's back. "What happened, Nibbles? You can tell me."

At first, it seemed Ethan wouldn't answer, but then he spoke as though the words were being dragged from his throat. "Kate asked me out."

Cal was about to say it was brilliant, but he could tell Ethan didn't agree. "And you said no?" he said, his voice gloomy.

Ethan lifted his head and glared at his brother. "What else was I going to say?"

"Well, you could have said yes."

"Of course I couldn't have said yes!" snapped Ethan. "What kind of life can I offer her? I explained all this to her yesterday. I thought she'd got it. I thought she understood. But now she's asking me out?"

"Maybe what you said didn't change her feelings," said Cal. "Maybe it doesn't make any difference to her."

"Well, it should do," said Ethan, his eyes full of angry tears. "If she'd thought about this properly, she'd understand why it was impossible. Instead, she's just like everyone else. Pretending nothing has changed. Pretending I'm just a normal person."

Cal rubbed Ethan's back and tried to understand. "Isn't that what you want, Ethan? For everything to continue as normal?"

"Of course it's what I want!" burst out Ethan. He dragged his hands across his eyes. "But how can they? I'm not normal. I'm not going to have a normal life!"

"You can, Ethan," said Cal. "Your life could be normal for another thirty years."

"Normal? How is it going to be normal?" screamed Ethan. "Maybe I can do all the normal things. Sleep with girls. Get married. Have kids. But what happens then, Caleb? Half my kids are going to get this gene and feel exactly the same way I do now and it will be my fault. My wife will end up being my carer. How is that fair? At least this way, the only one who gets hurt is me." Ethan dropped his voice almost to a whisper. "And it does hurt, Caleb. It hurts more than anything. But I can't change it. I can't control it. The only thing I can control is ensuring the gene stops with me. So that's what I'm going to do." He began to sob. "But I don't want it, Cal. I don't want this life. Why me, Cal? Why does it have to be me?"


	22. Chapter 22

**Bonnie Sveen Fan** , thank you for your review - I'm glad you liked the chapter. Ethan definitely isn't at the 'be more Cal' stage just yet! Though I'm not really sure that's the answer either.

 **X-Sammii-X** , that's exactly why he turned down Kate - though his shyness might be part of it too. I'm sure we could find a whole queue of people would love to look after Ethan! Thank you for your review.

 **Becs2202** , thank you for your review. I really hope this aspect is covered in the show too. It's the kind of thing that could be left for later as it might not become relevant till Ethan's met someone he likes.

 **20BlueRoses** , I'm so glad you enjoyed the chapter and that you found it emotional. I love writing scenes like this, but they can be difficult! But so completely worth it when I get comments like this. Thank you for your review.

 **Guest** , thank you for your review. I'm glad you liked the chapter. It is really terrible for Ethan and it really makes me happy (and relieved!) that you and other reviewers feel I've managed to convey that.

 **Tanith Panic** , it is a difficult one for Cal - it is Ethan's decision and I'm sure Cal would want to respect that, but at the same time, he can see Ethan probably isn't doing the right thing. Thank you for your review.

* * *

Cal held Ethan until he'd stopped crying, then he told him he was taking him home. "I just need to go and tell Connie. Okay?"

His heart broke a little bit more when Ethan just nodded. The old Ethan would have argued with him – and probably won the argument too. The old Ethan…

No! How could he even be thinking about the old Ethan and the new Ethan? He was the same person. Anyone would be devastated by news like this. The fact he hadn't seen Ethan collapse like this before didn't mean it had never happened before. It only meant Ethan had never allowed it to happen in front of Cal. All it meant was that they were closer than they'd ever been as adults – and that was a good thing.

Connie looked like she was about to brush him off when he asked if he could have a quick word, but she must have seen something in his face because she stopped and listened. "I really need to take him home, Mrs Beauchamp. I'm sorry, but there's no way he can continue working."

Connie nodded as though she'd half-expected this. "Of course you must take him home. I don't think we can manage without both of you, but if you stay with Ethan for… let's say an hour, I'm prepared to overlook it."

Cal nearly hugged her with gratitude. He was about to hurry back to Ethan, but he'd found Connie so quickly, he decided he could afford to stay away for a little bit longer. He went to the shop. It was empty apart from Kate. Cal walked over to the counter and smiled. "Hey."

Kate smiled back, but Cal noticed her eyes didn't seem as bright as usual. "Hey, Cal. What can I get you?"

Cal leaned closer to her. "I just want to say I'm sorry about Ethan."

"You don't have to be sorry," said Kate. "Some things aren't meant to be. I'm sure I'll get over it."

She said the last sentence almost as though it was a joke, but Cal could see in her eyes that she was hurting. He was fairly sure that nothing had happened between her and Ethan other than lingering glances – this was Ethan, after all – but it had been more than enough for Kate to begin to care.

Cal wished there was some way he could soften the blow. "I know he wouldn't have wanted to hurt you."

"Of course not, but what else can the poor man do if I keep throwing myself at him?" said Kate. She smiled, but sadly. "You're really kind, Cal, but I'll be fine. Just think about Ethan."

Cal spoke through a lump in his throat. "I'm going to sort this out, Kate. Don't worry. It might take a while, but I'm going to talk some sense into him."

Kate slid her hand across the counter and placed it on top of Cal's. "Cal, that's really sweet of you. You're a wonderful brother. But I'm sure more sense isn't really what Ethan needs. If anything, he has too much of it."

"What do you mean?" said Cal, completely confused.

"I mean, Ethan is doing the sensible, logical thing," said Kate. "He has an illness and as a doctor – and a human being – his natural instinct is to prevent anyone else from suffering. That includes children who might inherit it directly or a partner who will be expected to care for him. So the sensible and logical thing for Ethan to do is to ensure there is no wife or children."

Cal looked at her in shock. "So you're saying Ethan's doing the right thing, subjecting himself to a life of loneliness?" He moved his hand away from hers.

"Of course not!" Kate looked hurt, but only for a moment. "Ethan is doing the sensible thing, but we're human beings and we're not sensible – or at least not in that way. We don't look for the healthiest partner, who might guarantee a long marriage – there are no guarantees with health anyway. Most of us don't look for the richest partner either. What we want – and it's something I definitely want for myself – is the person who makes us happiest. And I think I would be much happier with a wonderful man in a wheelchair who struggles to speak and can't work and needs help getting to the bathroom than even a slightly less wonderful man who is strong as an ox and earns a million pounds a year."

Again, Cal was shocked. "I never knew a barista could be so intelligent. I mean…" He caught himself, horrified by what he'd said. "Oh God. I'm sorry, Kate. I didn't mean that."

Kate laughed. "I know you didn't. Don't worry. It's funny how words come out sometimes. Please don't worry about it."

Cal smiled gratefully. "Thanks for not hating me."

"Life's too short," said Kate with a smile, but it faded as their eyes met and Cal knew they were both thinking the same thing: that some lives really were too short.

"Anyway, I'd better get back to Ethan," said Cal. He saw the worry in her eyes; the silent question. "He's fine. He's just worked himself too hard and he's exhausted. He's always been prone to that. Nothing that a good night's sleep won't fix."

He could tell Kate didn't believe him, but she smiled at him anyway.

"And don't worry," said Cal. "I'll get Ethan thinking with his heart instead of his head if it's the last thing I do."

* * *

Ethan sat, his knees drawn up to his chest, and couldn't stop crying. He hated himself for being so weak; for failing to do his job and also preventing Cal from doing his, but he couldn't stop the torrents of emotion.

Cal sat beside him, rubbing Ethan's back, handing him tissues and occasionally murmuring something inconsequential. There was a sad look in his eyes that would have broken Ethan's heart if it hadn't been broken already.

But then a change seemed to come over Cal: he let go of Ethan and sat up. "Ethan. I understand why you're sad. God, I'm devastated and it's not even happening to me. But you do know you can't keep doing this. You have a life to live. A career. And I know you can't see it at the moment, but you do have a future."

Ethan felt as though Cal had ripped out his splintered heart. He was so shocked, he actually stopped sobbing.

"I'm not trying to be unkind," said Cal. "The last thing I want is to hurt you. But I want you to be able to look back on your life and know you did everything you could to be happy."

Ethan glared at him. "Forgive me if I'm not happy about my whole life being taken away from me!"

"Your whole life hasn't been taken away from you," said Cal. "Some of it will be and it's devastating. But nothing's been taken from you yet, Ethan. Physically, you're still the same guy as you were the day Mum died. You still have time left. It might be only a year; it might be thirty years. But you need to spend that time enjoying yourself, Ethan. That's why we're here. To enjoy our lives."

Ethan sighed. "Yes, you always have thought that, Caleb."

"Whilst fulfilling our responsibilities, of course," said Cal quickly. "Life is hard. Sometimes horrible things happen and it's all we can do not to let it break us completely. Maybe you won't be working when you're Charlie's age; maybe you won't be working when you're _my_ age, but right now, there's so much good you can do. As a doctor; as a brother; as a colleague; as a friend… even as a boyfriend."

Ethan dropped his head back onto his knees. "I'm never going to be anyone's boyfriend, Cal, so you can get that idea out of your head."

"Why not?" said Cal. "I can see why you're wary of having kids or even getting married, but you're looking at the future again. Sure, the future is important, but it's the here and now that really matters. What's wrong with having a bit of fun? Going on the occasional date? Enjoying someone's company? If you feel you can't offer them forever; if you don't want to have kids, then fine. That's your choice. Most people aren't expecting forever and a lot of couples don't have kids. Some kids are nothing but trouble anyway: look at Grace Beauchamp. Or Louis Fairhead. Or Caleb Knight, for that matter."

Ethan felt his lips tremble towards a smile. "Caleb Knight's not that bad."

"And Ethan Hardy's amazing," said Cal. He caught his brother in his arms, holding him close.

Ethan hugged him back, pressing his face into Cal's chest; drawing strength from him. It wasn't something he'd ever expected to do. But Cal was turning out to be stronger than either of them could have believed.

Cal held him for a few moments, then he sat up, though he kept his hands on Ethan's shoulders. "Listen to me, Ethan. You've got to grab happiness while you can. You don't know when it might be taken away – and I don't just mean the Huntington's. Anything could take it away. At any moment. Like with Matilda: you never lost sight of the fact she might not be mine, but you still loved her, didn't you?"

"I still do," whispered Ethan.

Cal squeezed his shoulders gently in acknowledgement of his words. "Me too. But you saw the chance of happiness with Matilda and you didn't let the fact we could lose her stop you from being happy," he said. "And do you regret it, Ethan? Do you regret a single minute we spent with her?"

"Of course not!" said Ethan. "I could never regret that."

"We were lucky to have Matilda in our lives," said Cal, his voice trembling slightly as he thought of his daughter. "So lucky. And I'm lucky to have you. Anyone would be lucky to have you."

Ethan shook his head but said nothing.

"And think about this for a moment," said Cal. "A very clever, kind, caring, compassionate woman once asked me: what does happiness really mean? Does it mean following your head and choosing someone who is physically, intellectually and financially suited to you? Or do you follow your heart and choose the person who makes you feel alive? Just think about it, Ethan. Please."

Ethan tried, for Cal's sake, but it hurt too much. He blinked tears away and tried to speak firmly. "Caleb, you need to go back to work. You're going to be late already."

"Just think about it, Ethan. Promise me you'll think about it."

Ethan looked at Cal and realised he meant it. "Okay. Fine. I'll think about it. Now go!"

But he didn't think about it. There was no point.


	23. Chapter 23

**corriemad2202** , thank you for your review. I'm glad you think Ethan and Kate would be a good couple. Cal told Zoe about Ethan's diagnosis when she witnessed Ethan's first breakdown at work and she said they would need to tell Connie. I would imagine Ethan told Lily, as he did in the series. Charlie probably knows too. I'm not sure about the others. They must be aware Ethan isn't himself, but they might think he's upset about Emilie.

 **X-Sammii-X** , Cal really has matured - he was alone with Kate for ages and didn't even try to flirt! I'd love Matilda to be brought back too, but the test was done twice so a mix-up is unlikely. There are a couple of instances where a false negative is possible, but it would be very, very unusual. Then again, this is Casualty! Thank you for your review.

 **CBloom2** , I think Cal came very close to a breakthrough, but it didn't quite happen. It's possible Ethan might think over his words later. Or perhaps something else will happen to change his mind. Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , I don't know about you, but I find Cal much more irresistible when he's making blunders than when he's being all smooth and suave! But even Cal can be sensible occasionally. Thank you for your review.

 _Thank you to **Indiaa121** for the follow_

* * *

Ethan shook his head. "I'm not going back to work."

"I really think it's time you did," said Cal. "You've had a lot of time off work and I don't think it's helping you. I really think you'd feel better if you had some work to concentrate on."

Ethan's eyes filled with tears. "How can I help other people to get better when I'm never going to get better myself?"

Cal gave him a hug. "Because you're a very good doctor and you care. Now come on. Get out of bed; have a shower; get dressed – and I'll make you some breakfast."

Ethan wanted to argue. He wanted to stay where he was and never move again. But he found himself getting out of bed and walking towards the bathroom.

* * *

"Thanks, Milly." Kate smiled as she undid her seatbelt. "I'll see you tonight."

"No, wait," said Milly, her hand on Kate's arm. "You've got a few minutes, haven't you?"

Kate checked the time on Milly's dashboard and nodded. "I've got ten minutes."

"Okay," said Milly. "I'm going to ask you something and I want you to be honest. Don't spare my feelings. Just tell me the truth. Was this a mistake?"

"Was what a mistake?" said Kate, confused. "Your hair? No, it looks great."

Milly shook her head. "No, I mean coming here. Me making you uproot yourself and move to the city where Nibbles lives. Taking you away from your mum. Was that a mistake?"

"Of course not," said Kate. She smiled reassuringly at her friend. "I know it's been difficult, but I don't regret a thing. I love Holby and it's great living with you and living near Alicia and Louise. I even get on quite well with Nibbles – or I do when he comes to work." Her smile faded. Even without knowing Ethan well, she had a feeling he loved his job and it would take a lot to stop him from going to work. "I also think it was good for me to get out of the habit of visiting the graveyard every day – maybe I was going over the top with that – and it's not as though I was leaving a good job behind me."

"I suppose not," said Milly.

Kate leaned over and hugged her. "Everything's fine! Moving house, rejection and losing someone are some of the toughest things to deal with. Of course I'm not going to be happy all the time. But I'm getting there. I really am, and I love my job. It might take me a while, but I know I'm going to be fine."

* * *

"Get out of the car, Ethan," said Cal.

Slowly, Ethan did as he was told and stood looking at Cal, a blank expression on his face. It was clear to Cal that Ethan was in no state to work, but he couldn't take him home without risking making himself late.

"Come on, Ethan," said Cal. "Let's go and get a coffee."

Together, they walked into the hospital. Cal led the way into the shop, pleased to see that Kate was already there. She said goodbye to the nurse she was serving and smiled at Cal and Ethan.

"Ethan, it's so good to see you back at work," said Kate. "Are you feeling better now?"

"Yes, thank you," whispered Ethan, in a manner that wouldn't have fooled anyone.

Cal rubbed his back. "Ethan's a bit down today. Have you got anything that might cheer him up?"

"I've got some freshly-made jam doughnuts," said Kate.

"Um, jam brings Ethan out in hives," said Cal. He looked at Ethan. "Honey doesn't really agree with him either."

Ethan didn't smile or even show signs that he'd heard the joke.

"How about a chocolate muffin?" said Kate.

Cal smiled in relief. "That sounds perfect."

"I'll do you two," said Kate, as she set to work. "If you can't manage both, Ethan, you can always give it to Cal."

She chatted to them as she worked, addressing a lot of her comments to Ethan in an effort to bring him into the conversation, but for the most part, Ethan said nothing. When the muffins were ready, Kate put them in a bag and held it out to Ethan. He ignored it, so Cal took it instead.

He frowned when Kate gave him the total price. "Are you sure that's all?"

"The muffins are on the house," said Kate.

"Thanks, Kate. That's really sweet of you," said Cal.

Ethan nodded and softly thanked her.

"You're welcome," said Kate, her smile particularly for Ethan. "I hope you feel better soon, Ethan. Let me know if there's anything else I can do."

* * *

Ethan sat in the staff room, staring straight ahead, his muffins untouched in front of him. He appreciated the thought, but he knew it wouldn't work.

"Come on. Just give them a try," coaxed Cal.

"They're not going to make me feel any better," said Ethan tremulously.

Cal looked close to tears too. "Can you try them anyway? I don't think they'll make you feel worse."

Ethan didn't think it was possible to feel worse.

"Go on, Ethan. Eat your muffins," said Cal.

When Cal gave him a direct request, Ethan usually found himself obeying. He felt lost and helpless – like a child, perhaps. As a child, he mostly had followed Cal's orders unquestioningly. He was usually too scared to participate in Cal's pranks on other people, but apart from that, he'd done as he was told.

It was often the easiest way.

The chocolate muffins were very nice, but Ethan registered that as a fact, rather than experiencing their deliciousness for himself.

The staff room door opened. "Cal, I've been looking for you!" said Zoe, the beginnings of annoyance on her face, but it faded when she looked at Ethan. "It's good to see you back, Ethan. It's always tough coming back after a long break, isn't it?"

Ethan nodded mutely.

"But I'm afraid we do need at least one of you in cubicles," said Zoe. "Why don't you work together today? Even if you don't feel up to working, Ethan, at least you can watch your brother and that might help you get back into the swing of things."

"Okay," whispered Ethan.

Cal hugged him. "Well done, mate. Finish your muffins and then we can go."

"Cal, I really-" began Zoe.

"Zoe, I really like your shoes," said Cal. "They've got a very nice shape to them and they go perfectly with that outfit. Nice dress too. That colour suits you. Brings out your eyes."

Ethan stared at him, wondering why Cal was flirting with Zoe when it was obvious to everyone that Max was still crazy about her, but Zoe gave Cal a knowing look, amusement lurking in her eyes.

"Okay, Dr Knight. Your brother can finish his muffins. So you can stop with the compliments."

"You're as kind as you are beautiful," said Cal.

Although Ethan couldn't imagine ever being able to laugh again, he could understand why Cal's flirtatious comments made Zoe laugh.

* * *

Lily was looking nervous. "That does sound like a lot of people."

"I know, but it's only two drinks," said Kate sympathetically. "Then we'll make our excuses. You'll be fine, Lily, and the only person you don't know already is Milly and she's lovely."

Lily looked as though that was little comfort. "Louise has not always been friendly towards me. And Alicia… we had many differences of opinion when I was her mentor."

Kate tried to hide her surprise. "You were Alicia's mentor?"

It was Lily's turn to be surprised. "Has she really not told you about me?"

"She said you're a fantastic doctor and she really learned a lot form you," said Kate.

"I see," said Lily uncomfortably. "That is one way of looking at it."

 _What kind of minefield have I walked into now?_ thought Kate. She couldn't imagine anyone making an enemy of Alicia. Lily was probably… frequently misunderstood, but Alicia always saw the best in everybody.

"You don't have to come if you'd rather not," she told Lily. "How about you just have a drink with me and Milly tomorrow? On second thoughts, that's probably better than a large group. It will be easier for you and Milly to get to know each other if there are only three of us."

Lily's eyes flashed with gratitude, but then, to Kate's surprise, she shook her head. "No. I think I need to face Alicia. If she is happy to spend time with me, I can have no objection to spending time with her."

"If you'd like to tell me what happened," said Kate, "I'm always here."

"But you are Alicia's friend," said Lily.

Kate nodded. "Yes, but I'm your friend too."

Lily's face softened slightly. "Perhaps we could meet at lunchtime. My lunchbreak is at twelve today."

"Sounds good!" said Kate, smiling. Some people found Lily abrupt, but Kate thought it was mainly shyness. "I'll see you at twelve."

Lily paid for her coffee. "Thank you, Kate. I… I am glad we are friends."

"Me too," said Kate. She watched Lily go, then she turned to the man at the counter. "What can I do for you?"

The man slowly edged something out of his jacket. It shone as it caught the light. "You can close the shop for a start," he said. "And then you can do exactly as I tell you."


	24. Chapter 24

**Bonnie Sveen Fan** , thank you for your review. I always feel a bit sad that Lily doesn't have more friends, so she often ends up with a new friend in my stories! I think Ethan really needs kindness at the moment.

 **X-Sammii-X** , maybe why Cal flirts so much... he's hoping for chocolate! Or maybe not. A lot of people don't like Lily and I can understand why, but it's lovely that you're starting to like her, even if only in this fanfic. Thank you for your review.

 **westlife4ever80** , thank you for your review. I'm really glad you're enjoying it, even though it probably doesn't have nearly enough Dylan! I think I might put him in the next chapter though.

 **20BlueRoses** , thank you for your review. Super-doctor Ethan isn't at his best at the moment, but I hope he'd come to Kate's rescue if needed. If not, there's always the knight in shining armour!

 **Maia** , that's a really interesting point about Alicia telling Kate what Lily did - I suppose even Kate has her limits and she knows all about workplace bullying. Thank you for your review - I'm really glad you're enjoying it.

 **ETWentHome** , it might take a while for Ethan to feel better, but he does have Cal and Kate and muffins, so I suppose it could be worse. You'll find out what the man wants in this chapter! Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. I'm glad you realised Cal's flirting was meant to be clumsy - he can't risk Zoe taking him seriously, especially considering her fondness for younger men! It would be nice if Kate could bring Lily and Alicia together, though I think she has other things on her mind just now...

 _Thank you to **westlife4ever80** for the follow._

* * *

Cal picked up the file from the nurse's station and glanced quickly through it. Beside him, Ethan was showing little interest in the file, though he had worked well today. He'd offered his opinions once or twice when Cal had been struggling, which had been a great help, and he'd taken the pressure off the nursing staff by taking bloods and doing other checks for Cal's patients.

He wasn't anything like back to his normal self, but Cal hoped this was a sign he would get there eventually.

It wasn't long before Cal realised Ethan's lack of interest in the file was probably a good thing. Their next patient, who had a suspected fractured scaphoid following a fall, had Huntington's. Cal quickly made up his mind that not only could Ethan not treat the patient, it would be best if he didn't know about her at all. Ethan was still so fragile emotionally and dealing with a patient with Huntington's could set him back weeks. It would be very emotional for Cal too and he wasn't completely sure he'd be able to handle it - but his first task was to get Ethan out of the way.

"Ethan, I'm going to take a break after this one. Why don't you go and get us a drink and something to eat?"

Ethan hesitated as several emotions passed over his face. Happiness. Wariness. Fear. Sadness. Excitement. No doubt trying to decide whether he wanted to go to the staff room, where food would be limited, or to go to the shop and face the beautiful barista. "Of course," he said at last.

"Thanks, Nibbles." Cal patted his back and waited till he'd gone. Then he turned to Robyn and lowered his voice. "I'm sorry, but I would rather not treat this patient if there's someone else available. The patient has Huntington's. My mother died of Huntington's and I just.. I don't feel ready to handle a case like this just yet."

Robyn looked aghast at what she'd done. "Cal, I'm so sorry. I didn't realise. It's fine: I can ask Dylan to do it. It's no problem." She reached for another file. "How does a peanut stuck in someone's ear sound?"

"Painful," said Cal. "And considerably less delicious than it would have been before it went into the ear."

Robyn handed him the file. "All yours, then. And I'm sorry about before. I'll try to make sure it doesn't happen again."

* * *

Ethan found he was walking quite quickly towards the shop. He tried not to think too deeply about why that might be. Perhaps he was just hungry.

He had no reason to be looking forward to seeing Kate. Why would he? There was nothing between them and he doubted she could still be interested. He'd spent more time crying over her than he had flirting with her.

When he reached the shop, he was surprised to find it closed. The blind had been pulled down over the door. It was unusual for the shop to be closed in the middle of the day, but it did sometimes happen. If Kate had had to leave the shop and had no-one to cover for her, she would have had to close it rather than leave it unattended. Big Mac and Jack were both trained in how to use a till so they often helped out, but Ethan had seen for himself that there was a long queue for the reception desk and Big Mac was probably busy in cubicles.

But it was still odd. Ethan had almost never seen the shop closed when Honey had been working there – and as Honey's boyfriend, he'd visited the shop more than most people. Ethan hoped Kate was okay. She'd probably just gone to the loo, but he couldn't help worrying she might be ill. If so, she might need help.

He got out his phone. Kate hadn't tried giving him her number for a second time, but a new number with the name 'Kate' had mysteriously appeared in his contacts list a couple of weeks ago. Ethan was sure Cal was responsible, but he hadn't quite been able to bring himself to delete it – and right now, he was glad.

He found the number quickly and pressed the call key before he could change his mind.

* * *

"There we are," said the man with the knife genially as Kate closed the blind. "That's better." He nodded to his accomplice. "You stay by the door, just in case." He smiled at Kate. "You can come with me."

Kate walked back to the counter. She was trembling hard and she felt sick. She could guess what the men wanted: the contents of the till. She tried to think calmly through her options, but it was impossible to be calm when there was someone standing watching her with a knife in his hand.

She hoped she'd done the right thing in not locking the blind. It was a gamble. If someone tried opening the blind, they would be able to get into the shop and help her, but it was possible that her rescuer could end up getting stabbed – or that Kate could. On the other hand, it meant she had slightly more chance of escape if she was able to push the blind up and duck underneath it.

Kate rather doubted she'd have the chance to do that, but the idea of locking herself in with them terrified her.

"Right," said the man with the knife. "I'm sure you know what we want and I'm sure you're not going to be stupid enough to give you any trouble. If you do… well, this knife isn't our only weapon, and there are two of us and only one of you."

Kate's mouth was dry. She nodded, feeling a tightening in her neck muscles. She found she'd backed away from the counter and was pressed up against the far wall.

"So, all we need you to do is to open the till for us and take out the money," said the man reasonably. "It's much better if you do it, then there won't be anyone else's fingerprints on the till. So how about it?"

He raised the knife and Kate shrank back against the wall with a gasp.

The man smiled. "Relax. You won't get hurt if you do as you're told. All you have to do is take out the money, then we're all going to go for a little drive together. Just a short way. We'll drop you somewhere quiet in the car and drive off. Just to make sure you don't go running off for security. We need a little bit of a head-start, you see."

"I n-need you to b-buy something," stammered Kate.

The knife jabbed forwards. "Didn't you hear what I said? We just want the money. And I think we've waited long enough too."

"I-I can't open the till unless a transaction is being made." Kate was close to tears. "I n-need to put in the amounts and the type of purchase."

The man looked around the shop. "How about you get us a nice cup of tea each? Yeah. That will look good. We all leave slowly with a nice cup of tea. Just like any other customer. Then we go to the car; get in the car… yeah. Make that three nice cups of tea. After all, you're helping us so you're one of us now, aren't you?"

"Okay," whispered Kate. "I-I'm sorry. I have to go slowly. M-my hands are shaking."

"Just don't take forever, yeah?"

Kate worked as slowly as she dared. She knew the longer the shop was closed, the more likely it was that questions would be asked – but she knew in her heart that the shop wouldn't be closed long enough for anyone to worry. The patients wouldn't know it was unusual and the staff probably wouldn't notice.

She was just about to open the till drawer when her phone rang.

The knife shot across the desk. Kate jumped and the blade went into her arm. It wasn't a deep cut, but it was enough for the blood to begin to flow. She grabbed a napkin and pressed it against the wound. She knew it was her own involuntary movement that had caused the injury, but knowing how sharp the knife was only made it seem more real.

"Switch it off!" said the man.

Kate felt in her pocket and pressed the key to answer the call. She didn't know if the caller was likely to hear anything, but she had to try.

* * *

The ringing stopped. Ethan waited for Kate to say hello, but she didn't. He was about to say it himself, but then he heard her.

Her voice was faint, but Ethan could just about make out her words.

He felt an iciness trickling through him.

"Please don't do this." Kate sounded upset. "If you leave now, I promise I won't tell anyone you were here. No-one will have to know anything. The money we get here isn't just for replacing goods. Some goes towards the hospital too, to help provide better services for ill and injured people. Please reconsider what you're doing. I'm sure you need money and I'll give you what's in my purse if that would help, but please don't make the patients suffer any more than they are already."

Ethan's hand was shaking, but for once, it didn't terrify him. He was far too busy feeling terrified for another reason.

He rushed over to the reception desk and jumped the queue. "Noel, there's a hold-up in the shop," he said, trying to speak quietly so he didn't scare the patients. Please can you call security?"

"A hold-up?" Noel looked worried. "Is Kate okay?"

"I don't know. Please, just call security."

Noel didn't need to be told for a third time. Ethan left him and went back to the shop. It wasn't usually possible to open the blind without a key, but perhaps Kate had been clever enough not to lock it. He knew that unlocking it would be a risk: if they had some kind of weapon, they might guess what she'd done and try to hurt her, but they might do that anyway and Ethan did not want her to be alone with people like that.

He had to do something. He couldn't let her deal with this on her own. He didn't matter - he might only have a year or so of real life left to him. But Kate was different. He couldn't let anything happen to her.

Ethan crouched down in front of the blind and slid his fingers underneath it. In one swift movement, he pushed it upwards and dived underneath it.


	25. Chapter 25

**corriemad.2002** , I'm sorry for the mean cliffhanger, especially as I didn't update it yesterday, but I'm glad you're still enjoying it. Thank you for your review.

 **ETWentHome** , thank you for your review. I'm glad you think Ethan is responding as you'd expect, even though it's not a good idea at all! Cal's getting quite responsible, isn't he?

 **X-Sammii-X** , Ethan has probably already done something stupid, but you're right: Nibbles is amazing! That's a good point: it's a big step for Cal to admit there are things he can't handle. Thank you for your review.

 **westlife4ever80** , thank you for your review. Yes, Ethan is being the knight in shining armour for once! But I can't promise everything will be okay.

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. The peanut joke was slightly gross, but having admitted to a weakness, I think Cal wanted some street cred back! I suppose he, Ethan and Kate were all brave in this chapter.

 **Is-there-somewhere-x** , I'm glad you found the chapter tense - I find that kind of thing quite difficult to write so it's really good to know I managed it. Thank you for your review.

 **20BlueRoses** , I'm glad you liked the cliffhanger! You're right about Ethan thinking he has nothing to live for, but perhaps this incident will help him. Thank you for your review.

* * *

Once Cal had finished extracting the peanut, he went in search of Ethan. To his delight, he wasn't in the staff room, which meant he must have gone to see Kate. Cal considered staying in the staff room and giving Ethan and Kate some time alone, but he regretfully decided they probably still needed his help. Ethan would never turn their friendship into something more if left to himself and Kate seemed to have given up the direct approach.

When Cal reached reception, he was surprised to see a group of security guards beside the desk. One of them was on the phone and Cal only had to hear a few words to realise he was calling the police. Cal edged around them and tried to catch Noel's attention. "What's going on?"

Noel's face was haggard. "There's a hold-up in the shop. Kate's in there. So's-" He stopped abruptly, but he'd said enough.

"Ethan's in there, isn't he?" Cal sounded panicky, but he didn't care. What did it matter if everyone knew he was terrified? His brother was in danger.

"I don't know," admitted Noel. "He was the one who told me and he left when I was calling security. I didn't see where he went."

Cal stood for a moment as the room blurred. He swayed slightly against the desk, but suddenly, his mind and his vision were clear.

He had to get to Ethan.

* * *

There were two men in the shop. One was standing by the door, looking down at Ethan with a chilling smile. The other was by the till, with Kate. He didn't look at Ethan.

"Oh my goodness. I am so sorry!" said Ethan. He pushed himself up onto his knees tried to hide his terror. His eyes sought Kate, but his view of her was blocked by the man. "I didn't realise you had customers." He tried to smile at the man. "We were going to have a tryst, you see. A romantic tryst. My girlfriend was going to close the shop to give me the signal. I thought it was a bit early, but I never thought… I'm so sorry for interrupting. Please: continue with your transaction. But perhaps I could give my girlfriend a hug first? I've been missing her terribly."

The man at the till remained with his back to Ethan. "Get him to shut the blind, then bring him over here."

"Oh… um… oh gosh… is there something going on?" said Ethan. He hoped he sounded convincingly confused. According to Cal, he quite often did. "Darling, are you all right?"

"I'm fine, sweetheart," said Kate. Her voice was shaking, but at least she'd accepted the tryst idea. "Don't worry. They won't hurt you if you do what they say. So please do as they say! I don't want anything to happen to you."

Ethan thought sadly that it was a bit late for that. It had been too late from the moment he was conceived.

The man by the door seized Ethan's arm roughly and took out a knife. "Close the blind. And don't try anything or you'll get this baby stuck in your throat and there's not a doctor in the hospital who'll be able to save you then. And just so you know, my mate over there has a knife too. And it's sharp. Ask your girlfriend."

Ethan gasped. "You've hurt her?" He tried to charge forward, but the man caught his wrist, holding the knife to Ethan's throat.

"Are you going to close that blind like I just asked you? Or am I going to make you regret not closing it? And I don't necessarily mean you'll be the one who gets hurt."

"I'll close it," whispered Ethan.

The man turned him around and pressed the tip of the knife into his back. "Go on then."

Ethan bent slowly, trying to keep his back straight so the knife wouldn't press further into him. He was shaking, but he managed to pull down the blind. "Please can I go to my girlfriend now? She must be terrified and to be perfectly honest, so am I."

 _Just not for myself._

The man smiled nastily. "Of you go then. Go to your precious girlfriend. Though what she sees in a coward like you is anybody's guess."

"Yes: I have often asked myself the same question," said Ethan shakily.

The knife remained in Ethan's back as he walked over to the counter. In less than a minute – through it seemed far longer – he was behind the counter and at Kate's side. "Darling, are you okay?" He reached out to hug her, knowing it would be expected of him, but then he saw the blood-soaked napkin she was holding against her arm. "Oh my goodness: have they hurt you?"

"It's fine," said Kate. "It was my fault. Something made me jump and I jumped into the knife.."

Ethan took her arm gently and examined it.

"Get on with it!" hissed the man at the counter.

"Please can I just try to stop the bleeding first," said Ethan meekly. "It will be far worse for you if there's blood all over the floor."

"Okay. But be quick."

Ethan got some more napkins and applied pressure. "Don't worry." He winced. "I'm sorry: that's the stupidest thing I could possibly have said. But the cut isn't deep."

It was still a concern, of course. - Ethan had no way of knowing how clean the knife was - but that was wasn't a worry he wanted to share with Kate.

The knife was thrust towards them again. "Get on with it! We haven't got all day."

* * *

Cal struggled, but the security men were stronger than he was. At least when there were three of them.

"Please let me go. My little brother's in there and he's ill."

"I know you're worried, Cal, but if we go bursting in, the guys doing the hold-up might panic and hurt someone. We just can't take the risk."

"I won't try to stop them," said Cal. "I won't try to do anything. I just need to make sure Ethan's safe and stop him from doing something stupid. He's not himself at the moment. The fact he went in there at all shows that. Ethan has an incurable disease and he thinks he isn't worth anything. I'm scared he's going to risk his life because he doesn't care." His voice shook. "I'm so scared I'm going to lose him."

* * *

Kate took in a shaky breath and turned back to the till. With only one hand, she would have to use the till more slowly, but perhaps that would buy them some time.

Ethan put his free arm around her, applying pressure to the wound. Kate smiled at him gratefully, though her feelings about his presence were mixed. There was obviously no romantic tryst (if only!), which made it more than likely that Ethan had been the one who'd phoned her.

She loved him for coming to help her (along with the many other reasons she had to love him), but she was worried. She had no way of knowing if Ethan had told anyone what had happened. She couldn't help thinking that if he had told security, he would have been prevented from entering the shop.

"It's going to be okay," said Ethan softly. He looked terrified, but he was trying to smile. "I'm sure we'll get out of this."

The man laughed. "If you do as you're told, yes, you will get out of it. But if you don't…"

Kate's trembling hands hit a key and the screen went blank. She made a small whimper of fear and felt Ethan's hand tighten on her shoulder.

"It's okay. Just take a moment. You'll be fine."

"What's the delay?" snarled the man.

Kate's voice shook. "I'm sorry. My hands were shaking and I accidentally pressed cancel. But as there are four of now, shall I do four teas?"

"Fine," said the man. "Four teas it is. Anyone can hit cancel accidentally once." He moved the knife marginally closer. "But I don't expect it to happen twice."

Kate gulped slightly and her eyes filled with tears. She knew they might not get out of this alive.

Ethan held her more tightly. His voice was gentle. "I'm here, sweetheart. I'm not leaving you."

It was strange, but it didn't feel like he was playing a role. He sounded as though he really cared.

Kate blinked her tears away and turned back to the till. As slowly as she dared, she typed in the information for four cups of tea. She tried not to look at the man or the knife. She concentrated on the till and Ethan's supporting arm.

Time moved so slowly. Kate finished entering the information. The till gave the total price. Kate repeated it in a trembling voice. "Though, of course it's on the house."

She pressed another key. The drawer shot open with a ringing sound. Kate lifted the flap holding the twenty pound notes in place, took them out and laid them on the counter. It was slow and awkward with onehand, but she managed it. The ten and five pound notes followed. Then the coins.

Ethan was standing so close to Kate, she could feel his breath against her cheek. He seemed quite calm, but Kate was sure he must be terrified. Anyone would be. Their lives were in danger.

But perhaps Ethan had no fear for his own life.

The drawer was empty now. Kate closed it and looked pleadingly at the man.

"Do you think you might be able to let Kate go now, please?" said Ethan politely. "I'm very happy to go with you as a hostage and I'm sure Kate will be happy not to mention this to anyone until I'm back safely, but you don't need both of us."

"If you go, I go," whispered Kate. Nothing would make her leave him now.

The man laughed at Ethan. "You really are pathetic, aren't you? I almost begin to disbelieve in your romantic tryst. Why a girl like this would look twice at you…"

"Ethan is the bravest man I know and I love him!" declared Kate. She put her arms around Ethan and pressed her mouth lightly to his.

Ethan's lips were unresponsive at first, his face frozen into shock, but as Kate tried to deepen the kiss (what was she doing? Why now?), this seemed to coax him into life. His kiss was sweet and gentle, but somehow full of strength.

They both jumped as the man slammed his fist onto the counter.

"Enough! We have to go soon." He nodded at Kate. "Make our drinks." He turned to Ethan. "We're all going on a little drive together. On the way out, you will not attempt to attract attention. If you do, your girlfriend will suffer."


	26. Chapter 26

**X-Sammii-X** , thank you for your review. Ethan and Kate do seem quite happy with hugging and kissing and I'd like to think that's not entirely fear! But Ethan can be so stubborn. I think you're right about it being difficult for Cal.

 **hellsBells610** , thank you for your review. I'm glad you like worried Cal - I have to admit I'm quite fond of him, myself!

 **Tanith Panic** , it would be in keeping with current storylines if Ethan did something reckless. Unfortunately, I don't think he has his hat with him. I'm not sure why Kate kissed Ethan... it just seemed like the natural thing to do! Thank you for your review.

 **Teeloganroryflan** , thank you for your review. I can't promise Ethan won't do anything reckless, but there are worse places to be reckless than in an ED!

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan** , I think you're right about Cal - that's exactly the kind of thing he'd do. I think recklessness runs in the family! Thank you for your review.

 **westlife4ever80** , thank you for your review. It really doesn't sound good, does it? But things could be about to get worse...

 **20BlueRoses** , I'm glad you found the last chapter exciting. The situation does seem to be bringing them together at the moment! Thank you for your review.

* * *

"But if you hurt my girlfriend on the way out, there will be a lot of witnesses," said Ethan. "And then your crime will be far worse than robbery."

"If you do anything like that, there will be nothing we can do," said the man. "If we must go to prison, the least we can do is take your girlfriend down with us."

Ethan stared at them. Something wasn't right. He wasn't sure how he knew that as he didn't have overmuch experience of being robbed at knifepoint, but this wasn't a typical shop burglary.

And why go to a hospital anyway? They'd have to walk past reception in order to get out and the fact that two apparent patients were leaving with a man in scrubs and a woman in a pink apron was likely to attract a bit of attention.

Kate finished making the drinks and shakily offered one to the man by the counter.

He gave a thin smile. "You can carry mine, Kate. It's your job, after all."

Ethan felt a chill of fear but didn't know why. Beside him, Kate shuddered and he hugged her tightly. "It's okay, darling. Everything's going to be okay. We'll get out of this."

Kate nodded shakily.

"Let me just check your arm." Ethan was relieved to see it had stopped bleeding. It would need a dressing, but he had nothing with him and the napkins were too small to wrap around her arm. They would just have to hope it didn't start bleeding again, but there was a good chance Noel would have alerted security by now. They might be waiting outside the shop.

Ethan and Kate picked up the drinks and came out from behind the counter. Together, they walked towards the door.

Then Ethan realised what was wrong. The man had called Kate by name, but Ethan had been very careful not to use her name. He didn't want to give away anything personal like that. It was possible they'd demanded Kate's name before they'd got there – but what if they'd known already? What if it wasn't really the money they were really after, but their hostage?

Ethan felt a wave of anger. They would hurt Kate over his dead body – and although he might be going to die young, he wouldn't be going anywhere just yet.

"Come on: try to look a bit more natural for me," said one of the men. "Let's see a smile on that pretty face."

"Oh my God," said Kate softly.

Ethan moved closer to her. "It's okay."

"No, it's not. Ethan, I - I know him."

She looked terrified. Ethan's heartrate increased still further. He wanted to know who the man was - but he couldn't ask Kate now.

"No. No, I don't think we've met," said the man. "But I'm glad we have. I might not have met you before, but I wondered what you looked like."

From the corner of his eye, Ethan saw Kate move.

"No!" said Ethan. He didn't know what she was going to do, but he knew it was a mistake. She stamped down hard on the foot of the man beside her and spilled a few drops of tea onto the hand holding the knife.

The man cried out and dropped the knife, but before Kate could pick it up, his other hand shot out, hitting Kate in the cheek. She fell onto her side, screaming as the tea she was holding splashed over her, and then falling silent as her head hit the corner of a shelf with a loud crack.

There was a frozen moment of horror, then Ethan put the teas he was holding down safely and knelt beside Kate. She was unconscious and a pool of blood was forming around her temple. "Kate? Can you hear me?" He wasn't expecting a reply, but he had to ask. He tapped her shoulders and called her name again, but as he expected, she was unconscious. He checked her airway was open and that she was breathing normally and pulled his scrub top off so he could hold it against the head wound. He considered putting her on her back, but she was breathing comfortably for the moment and there could be a back injury.

"Open the blind and ask for some help, please," said Ethan, as he felt for her pulse. Her skin was cold and clammy and her pulse was racing. He listened to her breathing again, estimating the speed of her breaths.

The man who had hit Kate was staring at her in horror.

"What have you done?" his accomplice demanded furiously. "We can't carry her out like that!"

"I didn't mean to hit her! Can't we go without her?"

"You know we can't! If we don't bring the girl, we don't get paid!"

"But we got the money from the till! I know it's a lot less, but even if we do take her back with us, she'll probably only double-cross us _and_ take the till money. If we leave now, we get some money and we get away."

Ethan raised his voice. "If you don't get help, Kate could die."

The men looked at one another. Then, slowly, they walked over to the blind and pushed it up.

Ethan shouted for help, not trusting the men to do it for him, but also unsure if his voice would carry. He examined the burns on Kate's arms: they needed to be flushed with water, but he wanted to keep pressure on the head wound. He put his hand inside her top (something he would never have considered under any other circumstances), but the fabric was already sticking to the skin.

He'd never been so relieved to see his big brother. Cal grabbed several bottles of water from the fridge, opened one, and poured water over Kate's burns to cool them. "Ethan, Noel's gone to get some more doctors and a trolley," he said as he removed his top and tucked it around Kate's shoulders as best he could. "Don't worry. We'll help her. The police are dealing with the robbers. Did they do this?"

Ethan nodded, then shook his head. He tried to speak but couldn't.

"Ethan, it would really help if you could tell us what happened," said Cal gently.

"I love her," said Ethan hoarsely.

"I know you do," said Cal. "So tell me what happened and then we can make sure she gets the best care."

Ethan shakily told Cal what had happened. "I suppose it was stupid really. But she was so brave."

"It sounds like you were both brave," said Cal. He removed Kate's watches and rings in case of swelling. "But it's going to be okay, Ethan. Kate's in the right place."

Zoe and several nurses were there even before he'd finished speaking. Cal explained what had happened, estimating the burned surface area and moving Ethan gently out of the way so Zoe and a group of nurses could treat Kate.

"Okay, she's tachypneac," said Zoe. "Slightly hypopneac too. We'd better get her onto her back."

Ethan trembled as they used the log-roll technique. Zoe examined the head wound and the burn and gave brief instructions before deciding they need to get her to Resus. "She needs IV access and fluid replacement."

Cal left Ethan briefly so he could help lift Kate onto the trolley. Once that was done, he returned to Ethan's side and they walked behind the trolley, Cal's arm around Ethan, as they left the shop, following the trolley towards Resus.

Ethan usually preferred not to let Cal hug him in public, but it was different now. He was shaking uncontrollably and didn't think he could have walked or even found the way to Resus on his own. He could hear Zoe giving instructions, but she didn't ask anyone to begin compressions and he tried to take comfort from the fact Kate must be breathing.

But he didn't feel comforted at all. There was so much that could go wrong.

Ethan had the impression the waiting room was unusually still and quiet, but perhaps he'd somehow blocked out all the sounds. He started to feel dizzy, but he didn't stop. He couldn't stop. He kept his eyes on the trolley and he kept on walking.

Cal caught him as he tried to follow the trolley into Resus. "No, Ethan. We'll go and wait in the staff room. Okay?"

"I want to be with her," said Ethan.

"I know, Nibbles, but there's nothing you can do for her at the moment," said Cal.

Ethan's voice was shaking. "I don't want her to wake up and not see anyone she knows!"

Cal turned him around and moved him towards the staff room. "Kate knows most of the people in the ED. She's made s coffee; she's been to the pub..."

"Do you think they'll let us know if there's any news?"

"I'm sure they will." They reached the staff room and Cal steered his brother towards the sofa, sitting beside him and holding him tightly. "I'm here, Nibbles. I'm here."

* * *

Cal felt Ethan trembling and wished there was something he could do. He could tell Ethan everything would be fine, but he had no way of knowing that was true and he doubted Ethan would believe him.

Ethan was muttering to himself. "Tetanus prophylaxis. Debride the bullae. Excise adherent necrotic tissue."

At first, Cal let him go through the correct treatment for burns, thinking it might help to keep him calm, but when he started going through it for the third time and was shaking as hard as ever, Cal stopped him. "Ethan, look at me. Can you look at me?"

Ethan turned his head. His eyes were wide and staring.

Cal moved his hand up and down Ethan's back. "They're doing their best, Ethan. They'll do everything that needs to be done."

"What if she's seriously hurt?" said Ethan tremulously. "What if the burns are really serious? What if she has a brain injury?"

Cal hesitated for a moment. "Then she'll need someone to look after her."

Ethan's eyes were full of tears. "I'll look after her if she needs someone. I'll try to make her happy. I know I left it too late just like I always do, but I can still be there."

"You don't think she'd rather you didn't give up your life for her?" said Cal.

"I wouldn't be giving anything up," said Ethan. "She is my life, or a big part of it. It's not a choice I'm making. It's just how it is - and it's what I want."

Cal nodded. "And apart from a slightly different form of love, that's exactly why I want to look after you." He hugged Ethan. "But not for a very long time yet."


	27. Chapter 27

_I'm so sorry I haven't updated this for ages - I didn't know how to continue it._

 **westlife4ever80** , thank you for your review. I think it would be very tough on Ethan if I killed her off - he's barely coping as it is. But I am quite often tough on Ethan!

 **X-Sammii-X** , I'm glad you liked the scene between the brothers. I love it when they support each other. You're not the only person who's curious about the robbers - as you'll find out! Thank you for your review.

 **CBloom2** , sometimes I think the Casualty writers don't like it when the brothers are there for each other, but I think we all love it! If Kate recovers, maybe Ethan will get drunk and dance a salsa. (Or maybe not.) Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. I wish I could write the Casualty scripts! That would be so amazing, but I'd be sacked for writing too many brotherly hugs. I thought something awful needed to happen to make Ethan see sense.

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan** , thank you for your review. It's a sad story to be writing, but it's always lovely to have a good excuse for one brother to comfort the other!

 **ETWentHome** , don't worry about not reviewing - I understand why and there's no obligation to review so I'm really lucky and grateful you're reviewing at all. It might take Ethan a while, but I think Kate's injuries could help him to understand why people want to take care of him. Including me! Thank you for your review.

 **20BlueRoses** , thank you for your review. I'm glad you feel Ethan's taken a big step. That's true - the last lines could reflect some of Kate's feelings for Ethan. Now I've just got to make Ethan realise that.

 **Guest** , thank you for your review - I'm so happy you like the story so much. I'm sorry I didn't update for ages, but I hope you like the new chapter. I've written part of the next one so I hope it will be finished fairly son.

 _Thank you to Strizzy for the favourite._

* * *

"I'm sure we'll hear something soon," said Cal supportively.

Ethan nodded, trying to pretend to feel comforted, and felt a tear falling down his cheek. "Sorry," he mumbled as he brushed it away.

"It's okay," said Cal. "Anyone would be upset."

"Is this how you felt about Taylor?" asked Ethan.

Cal considered. "Probably. Finding her stabbed was awful, but she'd kind of already stabbed me by then."

Ethan shuddered. "Don't talk about being stabbed."

"Kate wasn't stabbed though," Cal pointed out.

"She might have been," said Ethan. "She said she walked into the knife, but maybe she didn't want to upset me. And God knows what would have happened if she'd gone with him." His voice was shaking. "How could anyone want to hurt her? She's so sweet. So kind."

Cal put his arm around him. "Don't think about it, Ethan."

"But people do hurt her," Ethan said sadly. "I hurt her."

"You thought you were doing the right thing," said Cal. "But you've explained all that. She's forgiven you."

Ethan had tears in his eyes. "I haven't forgiven myself."

"Maybe it's about time you did?" suggested Cal.

Ethan shook his head. "How can I? Especially not now."

Cal looked confused. "What's so different about now? I thought you were going to take care of her."

"I would if she'd let me," said Ethan. "But after what I did today…"

"Yeah: you risked your life so she wouldn't be alone with a couple of knife-wielding maniacs," said Cal. "That would turn off any girl."

"I can't really risk my life when I haven't got one," said Ethan, his voice choked.

Cal sounded close to tears too. "Ethan! That's not true. Don't ever say that."

"I promised I'd keep her safe and she'd be okay," said Ethan as he desperately tried to fight back tears. "And look what happened."

Cal rubbed his back gently. "That wasn't your fault, Ethan. That was her fault for being stupid."

"My girlfriend is not-" Ethan stopped. He felt himself flushing. "Kate is not stupid," he mumbled without looking at Cal. "She was brave."

"Trying to burn someone?" said Cal.

Ethan shook his head quickly. "She didn't pour a whole cup all over him. It was just a splash. Enough to shock him, but he wouldn't have needed hospital treatment. She didn't know I'd heard her on the phone and called security. She realised she had a weapon too and she used it." A horrible thought struck him. "I hope she doesn't feel guilty. I know she'll have other things on her mind… if she recovers, I mean… but it would be just like her to think of someone she hurt and forget about herself."

Cal smiled just slightly. "I've got _so_ much to tease you about when Kate is better."

"If she gets better," whispered Ethan. "With the burns and the loss of blood, she was probably close to going into shock. If the circulatory system failed; if she lost oxygen to her brain for more than a few minutes… and then taking into account the head injury…"

"I know," said Cal softly. "But she's got Zoe helping her. She's in good-"

He broke off as they heard footsteps. Someone wearing heels. Ethan found himself clutching Cal's hand as Lily entered the staff room. "I was wondering if you'd heard any news."

"Nothing," said Ethan, withdrawing his hand from Cal's.

"It sounds like a very strange attempt at a burglary to me," said Lily critically. "The shop is small and a hospital would have security."

"It wasn't really a burglary," said Ethan. "It was Kate they wanted."

Lily looked confused. "Why would they want Kate?"

In a trembling voice, with Cal's concerned eyes on him, Ethan told her what had happened.

"She recognised his _voice_ ," said Lily thoughtfully. "So presumably they've spoken on the phone. I wonder… it doesn't quite make sense, but Kate has been receiving sexually explicit voicemails. Enough detail for her to think it's a wrong number, but also enough to make her uncomfortable. Perhaps that was an attempt to frighten her. To throw her off-balance. To make her less able to deal with a crisis."

"But why?" said Ethan helplessly. "And who wanted them to kidnap Kate?"

Lily touched his arm. "Perhaps we can work that out too. Do you know of anyone who doesn't like Kate? Or who might be jealous of her?"

Cal held up his hand. "Lily, leave it. Ethan's girlfriend has been seriously injured. I really don't think he wants to play detective now."

Lily's eyebrows shot up. "Girlfriend?"

"Potential future girlfriend," said Ethan.

To his surprise, Lily smiled. "I am pleased, Ethan. Kate is a very nice girl and I know she likes you."

Ethan tried to smile back, but it was difficult.

"Not jealous, Lily?" said Cal.

"No," said Lily firmly. "Kate is not my type."

Ethan hoped the uncharacteristic joke wasn't an attempt to hide Lily's real feelings – but that seemed unlikely. He knew what kind of man Lily was looking for: a man who had, amongst other qualities, robust physical health. "If you do have any ideas of who might be behind this, Lily," said Ethan, "I'd love to hear them."

Cal put his hand on his brother's shoulder. "Ethan, are you sure about this?"

"It's better than sitting here and feeling terrified about how badly-injured Kate might be!" said Ethan with feeling.

Cal still looked doubtful, but he stopped arguing, though he kept his arm around Ethan.

"Honey is my first thought," said Lily. "If she knows that Ethan likes Kate, she might be jealous."

Ethan actually managed to laugh a little. "I can't imagine that. She knows I'm not right for her and I don't think Kate's friends with Honey. She told me she's friends with Alicia and Louise, but - though I realise she might have been being tactful - she didn't mention Honey." He offered Lily a smile. "She did mention you though."

He was glad he'd said it when he saw the look of pleased surprise on Lily's face.

"I also spoke to Alicia recently," continued Ethan. "She was very positive about Kate, but she too didn't mention Honey."

Cal smirked. "And I'll say what Ethan won't: Alicia's a nice girl, but she's not exactly tactful. As Lily knows."

Lily looked uncomfortable. "I overreacted."

"Maybe," said Cal. "I do think Alicia's intentions were good, but sometimes it's better to keep your mouth shut and Alicia never seems to pick up on that. If Honey was part of the group, Alicia would have said so. Even if she's got Ethan earmarked for Kate, she'd probably want Ethan and Honey to put aside their differences so they can all be friends."

Ethan nodded in agreement. "Louise often complains – not to me, and not that I was really listening - that Honey is always pestering her to go out somewhere. Louise always says no. But Kate and her friend Milly have been accepted into their friendship group almost instantly. So Honey might be jealous." Then he thought for a moment and shook his head. "I can't see Honey arranging a robbery though."

"That is true. She lacks the intelligence." Lily had no qualms about saying what Ethan didn't quite like to. "And if she wanted to hurt Kate, I think she'd be more likely to say something to her than to cause her physical harm."

Cal glanced at Ethan and asked quietly if he was still okay, though he continued to look worried when Ethan said he was fine.

Lily was still thinking hard. "I don't think anyone at the hospital dislikes Kate. Even if they do, they would not do something like this. What about the girl who attacked Noel? Kate and Noel are friends. She might be using Kate to get to Noel."

"That wasn't a personal attack on Noel," said Cal. "He was just in the wrong place at the wrong time."

"Mercedes has a drug problem," said Lily. "She might be desperate enough to try anything and I imagine she has a lot of friends who are criminals."

Ethan let out a small sigh that was close to a whimper at the thought of Kate being targeted by people who were desperate for drugs.

He felt Cal squeezing his shoulder. "Lily, speaking of Alicia's lack of tact, are you quite sure you're not displaying the same thing? This is Ethan's girlfriend we're talking about. Ethan's girlfriend who could be fighting for her life."

"I asked Lily to talk about this," Ethan reminded him. "I'm fine. I was just thinking about Kate."

"I _so_ hope you two end up happily ever after so I can tease you about it for the rest of your lives!" said Cal. Then a stricken look came into his eyes. "Sorry, Ethan."

Ethan shrugged. "We all know I'm probably not going to have a long life, Cal," he said, his voice only slightly unsteady. "And if it means less teasing from you, perhaps that is an advantage."

There was sadness in Cal's eyes as he held Ethan tightly for a moment.

Ethan was dragged from his thoughts when Lily gave a small gasp. Her eyes were alight. "Did Kate ever tell you why she left her last job?"

"Yes: Milly had a new job and needed a flatmate and Kate decided it was time for a change," said Ethan.

"Kate was dismissed from her last job," said Lily. A meaningful look came into her eyes. "She let a criminal into her café and hid her from the police. Maybe we've been looking at this all wrong. Kate is the one who has criminal acquaintances. She came here very suddenly and made a career change. She calls herself a barista, but she's basically a shop girl. Perhaps it is an inside job."


	28. Chapter 28

**Bonnie Sveen Fan** , it's possible Kate isn't the person they thought she was - they don't know her very well and it is a bit odd that she got a job at Ethan's hospital! Thank you for your review.

 **X-Sammii-X** , do you think Kate would still like Ethan if he was More Cal? That would make an interesting story actually, but that would have to come later - if there is a later! Ethan definitely deserves happiness. Thank you for your review.

 **20BlueRoses** , thank you for your review. It does sound bad for Lily to say things like that about her friend - but I'm sure Cal and Ethan won't take her word for it. I hope the final revelation won't be disappointing - I'm quite worried!

 **Tanith Panic** , I used to get upset because no-one wanted me to go to pubs and clubs with them! Though I think Louise objected more to Honey than the club. I'm glad Lily came over in a positive way for you. Thank you for your review.

 **ETWentHome** , thank you for your review. I hope you won't be disappointed where it goes! I'm glad Kate comes across as kind and caring - but as you say, so did Taylor! And Lily can seem like the opposite, but she wouldn't steal anything.

* * *

Lily turned to look at Cal. "Cal, what was the name of your girlfriend who was a con-artist? Matilda's mother?"

Ethan watched the sadness come into Cal's eyes as Lily mentioned Matilda. Ethan's own eyes were stinging.

The loss of Matilda seemed extra-sharp at the moment, though Ethan would never have told Cal. If Matilda had still been in their lives, perhaps it wouldn't have mattered that Ethan would never have children.

"Taylor Ashbie," said Cal. An embarrassed smile came to his lips. "At least, that was the name she gave me. Who knows what her real name is?"

Lily nodded in satisfaction. "Taylor was the name of the criminal Kate was helping."

Ethan turned to look at Cal in horror. "No, it's not possible."

"That's what Kate told me," said Lily.

Ethan shook his wordlessly and Cal's hand tightened on his shoulder.

"No!" said Cal sharply. "It couldn't have been like that. Taylor knows how to spin a good sob story and Kate has a kind heart. That's obviously what happened. Just leave it, Lily."

"She told me she didn't know Taylor was a criminal," said Lily. "But why would she hide her and not phone the police?"

"Taylor must have asked her not to," said Cal. He sighed. "It worked with me. I'm sure it would work with Kate."

He was right, Ethan realised with some relief. He felt his heartbeat beginning to slow.

"Then why did she not become suspicious?" countered Lily. "If someone says they are being chased by their abusive husband, what would you do? Hide them in a cupboard or phone the police?"

"Perhaps you do as they ask?" said Ethan. "Respect their wishes?"

"Or maybe she wouldn't be suspicious," said Cal. "You haven't seen Taylor in action, Lily. She could easily have thought of a plausible reason why the police shouldn't be called."

Ethan regarded his brother anxiously. He was fairly sure Cal no longer had any feelings for Taylor, but he'd been through so much in the last few months. _Including looking after his depressed brother_ , thought Ethan, with more than a small amount of guilt.

"Kate must have given the robbers _some_ assistance," said Lily. "She closed the shop."

"Wouldn't you close the shop if someone was pointing a knife at you?" said Cal.

Ethan shuddered a little as he remembered how frightened Kate had been. "I can understand why you're worried, Lily, but Kate's not a criminal. If she was in league with them, she wouldn't have tried to use her phone to get help and she wouldn't have attacked the man. And she didn't recognise him till right near the end."

"The phone could have been an accident," said Lily. "She might have been trying to switch it off. At the end, she might have had second thoughts. Perhaps she wasn't convinced by Ethan's performance and decided to switch sides to save herself."

Ethan shook his head. "No. I can see your point, Lily, but it can't be true. It just can't." His voice shook slightly.

"Lily, can you just leave it?" burst out Cal. "Kate is your friend. She's been really nice to you. I've seen you having drinks and talking together. How can you even think she has anything to do with this?"

Lily drew back slightly, but the hurt in her eyes quickly changed to guilt. "I am sorry. I didn't mean… I do like Kate. I am worried about her and I genuinely hope she will be okay."

"Then why come out with all this rubbish?" said Cal angrily. "Look, I know you were disappointed Ethan isn't interested in you but-"

Ethan held up his hand. "Leave it, please, Cal."

"That's not why!" said Lily.

Ethan spoke gently. "Of course it's not. Don't worry about Cal. He's upset too."

"I was just trying to work things out in my head," said Lily in a low voice.

"And you forgot for a moment that Kate is a real person and not a set of facts," said Ethan understandingly.

Lily shook her head. "It's not just that. I know that's what I do with the patients sometimes, but it's a bit different with Kate. She's my friend. I really like her."

"You've got a funny way of showing it," said Cal.

"Everyone has different coping mechanisms," said Ethan. "I'm certain Kate had nothing to do with it, but if you're trying to figure out the truth, Lily, that is a possibility you have to consider."

"It's not a possibility I believe," said Lily softly, without looking at either of them. "You're right, Cal. She has been kind to me. She's tried to help me to be more comfortable socialising. She-"

"But clearly she hasn't mentioned not going around accusing your friends of committing crimes!" said Cal.

"Caleb!" said Ethan.

Lily bit her lip. "My parents always taught me to be strong. To stay calm and detached. To show no emotion in public. But that does not mean the emotions aren't there. My personal instinct is to believe that Kate is a good friend and a caring person who would never want to hurt anyone, but I can't trust my personal instinct. I can only trust what I can figure out in my mind. So that's what I'm doing. Searching for the one piece of evidence so I can dismiss this possibility and not consider it again."

Cal let out a sigh and seemed to relax slightly. "I guess I can understand that. I've always been a bit suspicious of feminine intuition."

Ethan smiled hopefully at Lily. "Can you think of any evidence to suggest that Kate wasn't involved?"

"Perhaps not evidence," said Lily. "But I don't think Kate would have taken the time to help me if she was only here for the purpose of committing a crime. There was no need for that. It would make her stand out rather than blend in. But she still chose to do it."

Ethan's eyes filled with tears. "She's so lovely. She's got to pull through. She's just got to."

Cal put his arm around Ethan and even Lily held his hand until he was calm again.

* * *

Time passed. So much time, or so it seemed. Lily returned to work, promising to let Cal and Ethan know if she heard anything. Cal and Ethan waited. Sometimes Ethan cried, unable to stop himself, and Cal held him tightly and soothed his little brother as though they were children again. Sometimes Ethan was calm and even bordering on positive. Sometimes he became angry, raging against fate for destroying his life and possibly Kate's. In these moments, there seemed little Cal could do to calm him down, but the rage always passed.

Then they heard footsteps again. It had happened so many times since they'd been in the staff room. Usually, it was someone in need of a cup of tea, but occasionally someone had come to check on Cal and Ethan, offering support, cuddles and assistance. Robyn made Ethan a cup of tea at Cal's request and Ethan dutifully drank half of it before putting it down to let it grow cold.

But this time, it was Zoe.

Ethan couldn't breathe. Something seemed to be lodged in his trachea. He began to tremble and his hand shot out to grab Cal's. Cal looked pale as he passed Ethan's hand from his right hand to his left and put his arm around him.

"Kate's stable," said Zoe. "She's in ICU now. I'm afraid we won't know anything more until she wakes up, but early signs are promising. You can go up and see her if you'd like to. I can give you the details on the way."

Ethan jumped to his feet, but his knees felt weak and he would have fallen if Cal hadn't been there to catch him.

"Thanks, Zoe," said Cal. "That's great news." He sat Ethan back down. "Just give us a minute."

"No, I'm okay," said Ethan. He was able to breathe again now, but if anything, he was breathing in rather too well and taking in far too much air into his gasping mouth.

"Breathe through your nose, Ethan," said Cal.

He took Ethan's hand and helped him to calm his breathing. Zoe sat beside him and rubbed Ethan's back. Gradually, his breathing slowed down, but as soon as he'd managed it, he started to cry.

Cal wrapped his arms around him. "Zoe, I can take Ethan up to ICU if you need to be somewhere. I'm sure Ethan will be fine. He just needs a minute. He was threatened with knives too, don't forget, and he really cares about Kate."

"Of course – it must have been terrifying," said Zoe with feeling. "You've been through a really difficult few months, Ethan. It seems wrong to ask any more of you, but I'm sure it would help Kate to hear your voice. You say she has no family and we still haven't been able to get through to her friend: we've left messages, but her phone is switched off."

Ethan sat up and sniffed. "Okay," he whispered. "I'll go up."

Cal patted his back. "I'll be right there – unless you tell me to get out, of course, in which case I'll be hanging round outside the door." He helped Ethan to stand up. "Okay? Not dizzy anymore?"

"I don't think so," said Ethan.

"I'll make sure someone gets you a cup of tea," said Zoe. "You'll need to keep your strength up."

Ethan managed a shaky smile. "Thanks, Zoe. And thanks for coming to tell us. " He didn't object to Cal's arm around his shoulders as they left the staff room.

In the doorway, Cal stopped suddenly and looked back at Zoe. "Oh, if the friend you're trying to call is Milly, she'd be at work now. I can't remember the name of the café, but I'll give Alicia a call. She'll know what it's called – and I think she'd want to know about Kate."

Zoe turned and smiled at Cal gratefully. "Thanks, Cal. That would be a great help."

Cal started to steer Ethan through the door, but this time, it was Ethan who stopped and turned back. Zoe just about managed to stop herself from walking into him.

"And if you happen to see Lily," said Ethan, "please could you let her know how Kate is? She'll probably be trying her best to hide it, but she's really worried."


	29. Chapter 29

**CBloom2** , thank you for your review. I agree it is like Ethan to think about Lily and Cal rather than himself - that's one reason why we all love him! Though in this case, it might also be an escape method. I'm so glad you're still enjoying the story.

 **Tanith Panic** , I might be wrong about whether Lily is really like this, but this is how I see her and I'm glad it makes sense as a possible explanation for the way she behaves. I don't think she hurts people out of choice. Thank you for your review.

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan** , Taylor is probably back in prison now, though she's very ingenious and I think she has lots of dodgy friends. So perhaps I will bring her back into the story. Cal won't be happy at all! Thank you for your review.

 **X-Sammii-X** , Kate isn't out of danger, but she is still alive. It would be terrible if Ethan lost her - terrible for all her friends. Lily doesn't know how clever Taylor is at manipulating people, but she often makes a good point! Thank you for your review.

 **westlife4ever80** , thank you for your review. That's a good description of Taylor - a sneaky rat! She might not spread the plague, but she does spread all sorts of trouble.

 **20BlueRoses** , I had mixed feelings about Lily mentioning Taylor then as Cal was too worried about Ethan to react properly (at least at the moment), but I thought Lily would definitely mention it. I'm really glad you liked that part. Thank you for your review.

 **ETWentHome** , thank you so much - I love writing emotions, but loving something doesn't always mean you're good at it. I thought Lily would need support too so I didn't want to ignore that completely. Thank you for your review.

* * *

Cal put his arm around Ethan as they prepared to enter Kate's room. He was rather hoping Ethan might shrug it off, as he always would if he was anything other than extremely upset, but instead, Ethan gave him a quick, grateful smile that didn't hide the terror in his eyes.

"I'm here, Ethan," murmured Cal. He considered telling Ethan that Kate would be fine – it might help Ethan to hear that even if he knew Cal couldn't be sure of that – but he decided it was too much of a risk. Relatives could catch on to the smallest sliver of hope, and the fact Ethan was a doctor didn't change the fact he was, effectively, in the role of a relative on this occasion.

"Will you be okay if I leave you now?" asked Zoe gently.

Cal looked at Ethan, ready to take his cue from him.

Ethan spoke with an effort. "I'm okay, thank you, Zoe. I've got Cal. But thank you for coming up and for explaining everything. It helped."

Zoe squeezed his shoulder, looked sympathetically at both brothers, and left.

"Shall we go in then?" asked Cal, as his eyes met Ethan's scared ones.

Ethan swallowed and nodded. "Let's go in."

Cal felt Ethan shaking as they walked over to the bed. He gripped Ethan's shoulder more tightly.

Kate looked small and pale and lifeless. Cal glanced at Ethan and saw his lower lip trembling, but he managed to control it.

Zoe had told them Kate had suffered a depressed fracture of the frontal bone and had been referred to neurosurgery. As the depression was greater than 1cm and there had been evidence of a dural tear, operative elevation had been necessary. Cal could see where the bicoronal incision had been made. The surgeons had repaired the dura and wired together the large fragments of bone. Kate's cheek was bruised where the robber had struck her, but there was no fracture to the zygomatic bone.

She was also treated for superficial partial-thickness burns to her arm and first-degree burns to a small area of her chest. These had been treated in the way Ethan had described to himself when they'd been waiting for news and were now dressed with petroleum gauze, which would be changed twice daily when the wound was inspected for signs of infection. Her hand was in a loose polythene glove, secured at the wrist with a crepe bandage and elevated above the level of her heart. She was on IV fluids and had a nasogastric tube.

Cal heard Ethan's shaky breathing and gently led him towards a chair. Ethan sank into it and looked at Kate, tears in his eyes.

Cal sat beside Ethan. "Do you want me to talk to her?" he asked quietly as he put his arm around his brother.

Ethan's face filled with gratitude and he rested his head on Cal's shoulder for a moment, but then he sat up again, shaking his head. "I can do it."

Cal nodded and sat silently. It was right for Ethan to be the one to speak, but he would do anything his little brother asked of him.

Ethan reached his hand towards Kate's. It was shaking, but for once, that didn't seem to bother Ethan. He took Kate's hand gently in his. "Hey, Kate. It's Ethan. I'm sorry I didn't get here before. You know what hospitals are like. Well, actually, I hope you don't, but you'll probably hear about them whether you want to or not if you're going to spend any time with me. You know what I'm like. You've seen me at my weakest and most vulnerable and you still care about me. It's strange. I've never really considered myself to be lucky. More recently, I've considered myself particularly unlucky. But when I look at you and think of you and know that you like me, I realise I'm actually the luckiest man in the world."

Cal smiled. He wasn't going to say it out loud, but he thought Kate was lucky too. He blinked his teary eyes and squeezed Ethan's shoulder.

"I'm so sorry!" said Ethan suddenly. "I shouldn't be sitting her talking about myself. That's going to put you right off." His voice softened. "And I don't want that. I can't tell you how much I don't want that." Ethan gave a shaky laugh. "I'm sorry, Kate. I'm doing it again, aren't it? I should be telling you you're going to be fine. It's very difficult to be sure of that at this stage, but your surgery was a success. Your bones and burns are expected to heal. It won't always be easy, but you're not going through it on your own. Whatever happens you'll have our help and support and love – just like you've given help and support and love to every one of us. If you're struggling, we'll help you. If you're falling, we'll catch you. I'll be here for you, Kate. For as long as you want me."

Cal sniffled and cast a panicked glance at Ethan, but he was looking at Kate and didn't seem to have heard.

"I know it's a lot to take on," said Ethan. "A big part of the reason why I kept telling myself and you that I didn't want to have a relationship with you was because I didn't want to put that pressure on you. But then I realised it's your decision. It's your decision to be with me and if you decide you have to walk away, that's your decision too. I will never blame you for walking away from me. Most relationships don't work out and I would much rather be alone than be with someone who is only there out of a sense of obligation."

Cal was smiling again. He didn't think many people would be talking like this at the bedside of the woman they loved, but this was Ethan. Cal would never want him to be anyone else.

"But it was more than that," said Ethan. "I was also afraid of losing you. But now I'm not afraid. Whether I have ten days, ten months, ten years or the rest of my life with you - or ten minutes for that matter: after all this drivel I'm coming out with, I really wouldn't blame you at all if it's only ten minutes – it's going to be time I was lucky to spend with you. I'd rather have ten minutes with you than no time at all."

Cal rolled his eyes in an effort to convince himself he wasn't upset. The tear that leaked out in response to the eye-rolling seemed to suggest otherwise. Luckily, Ethan was looking the other way.

"It's not going to be easy being with me," warned Ethan. "Honey couldn't do it and very few other girls have even tried, though Cal says that's partly because I don't usually notice when someone likes me. Not everyone has the sense to spell it out in big letters and then wrap a sandwich in it."

Not even Lily had thought of that, but Kate knew what Ethan needed. She always knew everyone needed. Cal was fairly sure he'd be on the receiving end of a few kicks up the backside from Kate if her relationship with Ethan actually went somewhere.

Not that Cal wanted to be kicked up the backside, but he would put up with worse to see his little brother happy.

"But I think I understand a little bit why you'd be willing to try," said Ethan. "I know you might never wake up. I know that if you do, you might need lots of help. But that won't make any difference to my feelings. I want to be with you and if you ever need looking after, then of course I'd like to do it. That's what being in love with someone is like. Looking after them when they need it is part of it. It's not a decision and it's certainly not an obligation. It's just how it is. I love you and I want to look after you."

 _Go, Nibbles!_ Cal thought happily. It was a bit too sentimental for Cal's tastes, but he'd never expected Ethan to manage the L-word.

Perhaps he'd thought too soon. "Oh my goodness!" said Ethan, putting his hands over his face and glasses. "I didn't mean… did I really say… oh my goodness!"

Cal put his hand on Ethan's knee. "Nibbles, it's okay."

"Kate might not think that," said Ethan anxiously.

"Ethan, if she minds, I'll do the washing up, the ironing and the hoovering every day for the next three months," said Cal. "It sounds like a win-win situation to me!"

Ethan shook his head and Cal realised that not even the sight of him doing housework would help Ethan get over a broken heart.

He patted Ethan's knee. "Just keep going, Nibbles. If it helps, I haven't laughed once or even wanted to."

Ethan turned and looked at him suspiciously, but then he relaxed. He rested his hand briefly on Cal's, gave a smile that was somehow comforting, then turned back to Kate.

Cal was confused at first, but then he realised. His eyes must be red. Oh, great.

"It's not going to be easy, being my girlfriend," said Ethan. "I am basically dying, though to be medically accurate, I will actually die from other conditions that are caused or complicated by the disease. I might not have obvious symptoms for years, though my brain cells are dying as I speak, but the fact is, I have the condition and much as I'd like to ignore it and get on with my life, I'm really struggling with that. I hope that, in time, I'll be able to knock something over without panicking or forget something without believing my life is over. Those things happen to everyone, but at the moment, they take on far too much significance for me. I am going to try to get over it. I need to get over my fears and depression and live for as long as I can, as happily as I can. And I want to make you happy, Kate. I want to see your smile every day."

 _And I want to see you smile every day, Ethan_ , thought Cal as his eyes flooded again.

"But I'm talking about myself again," said Ethan. "What I want to say is this. It won't be easy to be with me. But if you decide I'm not right for you, for whatever reason, I'll do everything I can to ensure it's easy to walk away."


	30. Chapter 30

_I really hope this chapter makes sense - I've messed around with the timeline a bit. The second scene happens at the same time as the first scene._

 **westlife4ever80** , thank you for your review. I'd never really written anything emotional before I started writing Casualty stories. The only time I wrote something that wasn't funny was when my jokes didn't work. I'm so happy this story is emotional.

 **CBloom2** , thank you for your review. I'm so glad the emotion in the story works for you too. Not that I want to make people cry! I'm not sure Ethan would have said all that if Kate was awake, but maybe she heard. Whether she'll wake up is something else.

 **Tanith Panic** , I'm so glad you liked the beside confession. It's so lovely reading all the responses to it! But no matter what happens, there are always other stories - always other opportunities for Cal to do housework. Thank you for your review.

 **X-Sammii-X** , I had a feeling you adored Cal! Which is perfectly reasonable - I adore him too! I'm glad you liked Ethan telling Kate he loved her. It's quite soon for them to be in love, but it was love at first sight! Thank you for your review.

 **20BlueRoses** , thank you for your review. I love the medical side, but it can be difficult sometimes to find out what would be done in the ED. And some of the sites seem to contradict each other! I think maybe it was good for Cal to hear Ethan's feelings too.

 **ETWentHome** , it would be very difficult for Ethan to cope with losing someone else - he's already lost both Matildas and Emilie, and he knows he's going to lose himself too. Yes, it was thoughtful of Cal. I actually didn't think of that! Thank you for your review.

* * *

Cal's eyes were full of tears. He walked slowly towards the bed. A tear ran down his cheek as he took the sheet in both hands and slowly drew it upwards to cover the beautiful face.

It was so unfair. So wrong. It was too soon to lose her.

He heard the distraught sobbing and all he wanted was to make everything all right. To turn back time. But he couldn't.

He didn't think he'd ever forget the tears and the pleas. "Save her! Please save her! You've got to save her!"

But he hadn't been able to do it.

Cal wiped his tears away and knelt beside the distraught figure by bed. "Ethan… maybe it's time to say goodbye now?"

It took him a while, but he finally got the words out, clingging to the bedclothes as he'd once clung to her hands. Cal gently unprised the rigid fingers from the bedclothes and helped him to stand. Cal put a supportive arm around him, murmuring futile words of comfort as he led him from the room.

Every sob caused an echo in Cal's heart. At last they reached the relatives' room. Cal helped Ethan to sit.

"I'm so sorry," he said uselessly.

He was unsurprised to get no reply.

Cal had dealt with this kind of case before, but he'd always found it difficult having to deal with patients and relatives called Ethan because they always made him think of his own Ethan. Comforting a young relative called Ethan who'd just lost his girlfriend was a bit too close to home. A bit too close to what might be happening right now.

"Are you sure there's no-one I can call for you?" said Cal.

The young man shook his head and cried harder. He wasn't even twenty and he'd already lost someone so precious to him.

"Okay. Let me know if you change your mind." Cal really wanted to leave; to go back to the Ethan that mattered more than anyone else in the world, but he couldn't go anywhere now. He couldn't leave this boy to suffer alone.

He sat beside him and listened to his misery. Occasionally, Cal lifted his hand to wipe away a tear. Poor Ethan. And poor Ethan.

He sensed rather than heard a slight quietening in the violence of the sobs. They slowed slightly. Cal turned to him, his hand on his arm. "I'm here, Ethan. If there's anything I can do, just tell me."

"Will you phone my mum?" The boy's voice was barely audible.

Cal closed his eyes against more tears as he realised his Ethan probably wanted his mum too. Perhaps both of their mums. "Of course I will, Ethan."

"She said it wouldn't work out. She said it would all fall apart and I'd have to come home. But I don't think she'd have wanted it to end like this."

"I'm sure she wouldn't," said Cal. "Have you got your phone? I'll explain if you like."

"Thank you, Dr Knight."

"You can call me Cal."

They were still sitting there, awaiting the mother's arrival when Cal's phone rang. The name on the screen was Ethan.

"Sorry. I need to take this. It's my brother. His… friend is in ICU." Cal answered the phone. "Ethan?"

And he heard what he didn't want to hear; what he'd feared and dreaded hearing. The sound of sobs. So fast that Ethan could barely slip a word in between them. "Come… here… Cal… please."

* * *

Ethan wished Cal hadn't had to leave him, but he understood why. There were patients downstairs who needed a doctor; patients who needed their lives saved. That was so much more important than Ethan's need for his brother to hold his hand.

Ethan's hand had felt warm when Cal had been holding it and the warmth had remained for a while, but now his hand was cold. He turned his attention to Kate's hand instead, stroking it gently and trying to think of something to say. "How are you feeling now, sweetheart? Sorry I went quiet for a bit. Or perhaps you were relieved I'd finally shut up. Everyone says you might be able to hear me and it would help to hear my voice, but how can they know that, really? Maybe you'd prefer silence. When I'm ill, the last thing I want is Cal coming into my room to moan about something or tell me about his latest girl. Not that there have been many girls for a while. Only four in the last year, I think. It must be some kind of record."

He glanced at Kate, but she was still.

"He really has changed in the last few months. He had a little girl, you know. His ex-girlfriend appeared out of nowhere –well, actually she appeared out of prison, but I'll tell you about that later – and she gave him the baby and ran. I'd never been more terrified. Not only had I never changed a nappy in my life, I was convinced I'd be changing every single one of them. Cal needs help sometimes getting _himself_ to the loo – when he's drunk, I mean – so I couldn't see him taking responsibility for a baby. But he really surprised me. He was a brilliant dad and it was just so sad it turned out she wasn't his daughter after all and w-we had to g-give her away…"

Ethan gave himself a minute to regain control. He wiped the tears from his eyes as he fought back a great wave of emotion – but eventually, it was fought back. Ethan sniffed, swallowed and started speaking again.

"I loved our little Toad. Her real name was Matilda, but Cal called her Toad. He thought she looked like one. I never could see it myself. She looked completely human to me. She was so beautiful… which perhaps should have been the clue. She was far too beautiful to be Cal's!"

He laughed shakily.

"I didn't really mean that. My brother is actually more than acceptable-looking, but I try not to say that to his face. But something I have told him to his face is how good he was with our birth mother. She was very ill with Huntington's, then she developed pneumonia. He cared for her. I wouldn't even talk to her. Not until almost the end. Then I found out I had it and I suppose in a way, he cared for me. I just sat in bed and cried a lot of the time. Cal did everything for me."

He stopped, embarrassed, his cheeks going red.

"I'm sorry, Kate.I shouldn't be telling you all that. For one thing, it must be horribly dull, like most things I talk about. For another, the very last thing I want is to lose you and telling you how wonderful my brother is probably doesn't do much for my chances. I should be telling you how much fun we're going to have when you wake up. You'll have to tell me the kind of thing you like doing because I don't actually know. I _feel_ as though I know you. I know your sweetness and your kindness and your courage and your intelligence, but I don't know what you enjoy. But when I find out, I'm going to make sure you enjoy it as soon as possible. I'll take you to see the films you want to see. I'll buy you the books you want to read. If you like to sit and cuddle and talk, I'll work out exactly where to put my hands so you feel comfortable."

Ethan closed his eyes and mentally called himself a few names.

"I'm so sorry. That came out completely wrong. I promise I'm not some pervert who doesn't know how to keep his hands to myself. I'm actually a little bit too good at keeping my hands to myself if anything. I just mean, when I'm with a girl – not that it happens very often – I'm never quite sure if I should put my arms around her shoulders or around her waist. So most of the time, I end up not doing either."

Ethan called himself a few more names.

"I'm talking about the wrong thing again, aren't I? You don't want to hear about how inadequate I am. So I'll tell you something I'm good at. Or would that be boasting? I think I probably am quite a good doctor. Not as good as the other doctors in the department, but not _bad_. I haven't been sacked yet. I know I was absolutely terrible when I treated you, but that was only because I liked you so much and I got into a complete panic and messed everything up."

He sighed sadly.

"I felt so bad when I heard you crying. Oh, not that I was _listening_. I was just… standing there. And I happened to hear. But it really is all right. Please don't be embarrassed. I was very horrible to you so you had every reason to cry and you didn't cry half as much as I did. I mean, I was okay really. I was really making a fuss about nothing. Oh, not that the fact I made you cry was _nothing_. It really was terrible. I…"

Ethan stopped again. He opened his mouth to resume his monologue, but this time, the words didn't come.

There was a lump of something in his throat, blocking it. His eyes were wet. He felt the first tear drip down his cheek.

"Please don't leave me," he whispered.


	31. Chapter 31

**X-Sammii-X** , that was what I wanted you to think - I hope it wasn't too mean! I love Ethan's rambling too. It's usually funny, but I think he'd definitely ramble in a situation like this, when he was the only one talking. Thank you for your review.

 **westlife4ever80** , thank you for your review. I'm glad the story is effective. I'm afraid this chapter might be quite emotional too! I'll have to put lots of emotion in your Dylan story.

 **CBloom2** , I certainly take these stories seriously! I'm always worrying about the characters as though they're my friends and not fictional characters. There might be more to worry about in this chapter. Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , I'm so glad you like Kate. I did try to base her on the original, but she only had about two scenes and I've only watched that episode once because it was so sad. I hope the beginning wasn't too scary. Thank you for your review.

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan** , thank you for your review. That's a really interesting idea about Kate not being able to remember Ethan - I'll definitely consider that. It might not be a bad thing if she forgets the ordeal though!

 **Is-there-somewhere-x** , thank you for your review. I'm so glad you liked the twist with the two Ethans - I enjoy stories where writers trick you into believing something that isn't true, so I thought I'd try it! I'm glad you liked Ethan's speech too.

* * *

At first, Ethan thought he was going to cry and cry, but then he reminded himself that Kate needed to hear his voice, not his sobs. He wiped his tears and tried to calm himself down.

"I don't want to lose you, Kate," said Ethan shakily. "Not now I've finally found the courage to tell you how I feel. Not now I've realised I could have a future after all." _A future with you..._

Their only kiss had happened in fraught circumstances - more to prove a point than to express affection- but Ethan hadn't forgotten the sweetness of her lips. He remembered the emotion; the excitement that had rushed through him, but also the strength it had given him; the determination to do everything he could to protect her; the knowledge she would do the same for him.

He looked down at her again and caught his breath. She was so beautiful. Her dark hair was fanned out on the pillow and although her colour wasn't healthy and her skin was bruised, he could see the softness and clearness of her skin and the long, dark lashes on her cheek.

And she _liked_ Ethan. She liked _Ethan_. Even though he'd done nothing to suggest he deserved her.

"I always thought I was the sensible, grown-up brother," said Ethan, feeling the heat of shame as it crept to his cheeks. "The one who always stepped up. But now I've realised I don't step up nearly as much as I thought I did. I step _away_. I pretend things don't matter. I've been telling myself I don't mind if I stay single forever; that it doesn't matter if I never have kids. I did this before my diagnosis too. Apart from Honey, there hasn't been another girl for so long."

There had been other girls that had interested him, of course. He'd just never had the confidence to do anything about it.

"But it does matter," said Ethan. "I want someone truly special to share my life with; someone whom I can love unconditionally, and who loves me in return. The thought of having a child to love, an incredible miracle of life which I've helped to create… well, you can probably guess how that makes me feel from how emotional I'm getting!"

Ethan laughed shakily as he wiped his eyes. He had a feeling Kate would have laughed too, but only with affection.

"But it's not just that. I tell myself I don't mind when I go home to study and the others are all at the pub. I'm not saying I'd like to get on it like a bonnet every night, but it would be good to spend more time with my colleagues. Just to talk, really. To feel more a part of things. To get to know them. But I'm scared. It's hard to believe they really want me there. So sometimes I say no, even when I want to go. I step away before they can push me away."

He wiped away more tears and sniffled.

"I'm so sorry, sweetheart. Would you excuse me for a moment while I get a tissue?" He paused as though waiting for a reply. "Thank you. I won't be a minute."

He found a box, took a tissue and blew his nose before returning to Kate's side.

"I'm so sorry. I don't know why I'm getting so upset. Well, I do know really. I am obviously very upset about what's happened to you, but I know you need me to be strong and I'm afraid I'm not doing terribly well with that at the moment, but I'll try to do better. What was I saying? Oh, yes. There's my FCEM too. That's a big exam doctors do before they can become consultants. I failed it the first time. I told myself it didn't matter; that there would be other opportunities to take it and I probably am a little bit young to become a consultant. I told myself I have other priorities now. First Honey, then Matilda, then Cal, then Mum – Emilie, my biological mother, that is."

Ethan glanced at the monitor, checking Kate's stats, not for the first time, as he gathered his courage.

"But the main reason I'm holding back is because I'm scared of failing again. I've never failed an exam before. Now I know it can happen, I'm scared it might happen again. I'm scared I've reached my potential as a doctor. I'm scared it will never get better than this. And now, knowing I have the Huntington's gene, I'm scared about getting _worse_. I don't know what the retirement age will be when I get into my sixties – but I do know I won't still be working. I might not even still be alive."

Ethan felt a rush of guilt and squeezed Kate's hand.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't say things like that. But I really do want to be a consultant. That's always been my dream. So I need to stop being scared and go for it. One day, it will be too late, but it's not too late now. Maybe I'll only be a consultant for ten years. Or even five years. But even if it's just one year, in a way that doesn't matter. I _will_ have passed my FCEM; I _will_ have worked as a consultant. This disease will steal my future, but it can't take my past."

He looked at Kate and smiled. She looked peaceful.

"I need to be more like you. If you want something, you go for it. You liked me, so you gave me your phone number. Your last job wasn't what you wanted it to be, so you got a job you did like, even though that meant moving away. When you see people who need help, you don't hold back out of fear you'll upset them or offend them or make yourself look stupid. You just try to help – and that's what I should do. Obviously, I help people at work, but that's different. It's my job, so I feel like okay to try. But I want to help other people too."

A face came into his mind; the face of a person he really wanted to help.

"I want to help Cal. He's lost so much. I need to listen to him and find out what he wants. If he wants to try for his FCEM with me again; if he wants to try to adopt Matilda; if there are other things he really wants that he's never told me about because he thinks I'll dismiss it. I need to listen to him and support him. Comfort him when things go wrong and celebrate with him when they go right."

Ethan thought for a moment. A smile came to his lips, but he hesitated. He didn't know if Kate would understand or not. Ethan tended to keep his frivolous side well-hidden because he didn't want to be ridiculed. That happened far too often even when he was being sensible.

But it was very difficult to imagine Kate failing to understand.

"There are other things I want to do too. Quite silly things. Maybe, as my life is likely to be short, I should be focusing on the things that really matter, but there are so many random things I've always had the urge to do, only I've never been brave enough. I'd really like to paddle in the sea with my clothes and shoes on. Cal used to do it all the time and he got into trouble for it, but I always wished I was brave enough to paddle with him."

He smiled at the memory of a younger Cal standing before him, his shoes and clothes sopping wet – smiling even as he was chastised, his face almost glowing with enjoyment.

"I'd also like to learn to dance because I really can't. At all," said Ethan. "And I'd like to buy a hat because I've always wanted to wear a hat and I never have because I was scared of looking silly. Perhaps, when you're better, we could do these things together. If you don't want to paddle, you can always watch me and afterwards you can give me a towel and tell me how silly I am. But maybe we could have dance lessons together and I'd definitely like your advice on what kind of hat I should buy because I don't have a clue about fashion."

Ethan stroked Kate's hand and laughed apologetically.

"I hope this isn't too boring. I promise I'm not usually loquacious. I'm actually quite quiet. And I'm quite good at-"

He stopped. He felt himself beginning to tremble. He shook so hard, his glasses fell off his lap, but he ignored them and he didn't panic about the trembling.

He called for the nurse. "Um… could you help me, please?"

* * *

Cal tried asking his brother what was wrong, but he was crying too hard and his words made no sense. Cal looked at the other Ethan, who was looking slightly calmer, though he was still in tears.

"I'll be okay if you need to go," he told Cal. "My mum should be here soon."

Cal didn't know what to do. He couldn't leave the boy on his own, but he was beginning to worry that his Ethan might be in an even worse state. "I… just wait there a minute, Ethan."

He left the relatives' room and looked around, praying that someone would come who would help him.

"Cal? Are you okay?" said Robyn.

Cal explained about the two Ethans.

"It's okay," said Robyn. "I'll sit with Ethan in the relatives' room and you can go and be with your Ethan. It's no problem at all."

"Thank you." Cal wasn't sure he'd ever felt more grateful to anyone. He gave Robyn a quick hug and ran up to ICU. Ethan was standing outside the room, his shoulders heaving. "Ethan?"


	32. Chapter 32

**Bonnie Sveen Fan** , thank you for your review. Even though Ethan is the most important person in Cal's life, he is also a good and caring doctor. At least he's with Ethan now!

 **X-Sammii-X** , I love Ethan's hat! I think he should wear it in every episode. I hope Kate chooses the same one! I don't think Cal will adopt Matilda in this story because it's really about Ethan, but I'd love to write a story where he does. Thank you for your review.

 **westlife4ever80** , I really want to hug Ethan too! At least Cal is with him now so he should get some hugs. Thank you for your review.

 **CBloom2** , I'm sorry for being cruel! I had to leave it somewhere. But I always intended to update today. I'm afraid there's another slight cliffhanger, but not as bad as yesterday. Thank you for your review - I hope the chapter was worth the wait!

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. I didn't even think about it being corny - I just tried to think about what Ethan might say. I'm glad I've avoided corniness. No, you don't have to wait long! In fact, you can read the next chapter right now!

 **20BlueRoses** , thank you for your review. I'm glad you liked Ethan pouring his heart out - he might not have said all that if Kate had been awake!

* * *

Cal put his arms around him. "I'm here, Ethan. I'm here." He wanted to tell Ethan everything was going to be okay, but he didn't know how it could be. "I'm sorry, Ethan. Whatever's happened, I'm sorry and I'm here."

Ethan clung to him tightly. "Thank you for coming," he sobbed.

"That's okay, Nibbles." Cal stroked circles on his back and tried to speak soothingly, but it was difficult when he was so worried. "I'll always be here if you need me."

Ethan sniffled. "I probably shouldn't have called you really. I know you've got patients and they're more important than me, but I suppose I just panicked. But I'm so glad you're here."

" _No-one_ is more important than you," said Cal firmly. He held Ethan away from him, his hands on his shoulders, looking into his little brother's swollen eyes. "I'm here, Ethan. Do you think you could tell me what happened?"

"She's awake," said Ethan in a shaky voice.

"What?" said Cal. "She's _awake_?" He almost asked if Ethan was sure, but he caught himself in time. Ethan was upset, but he knew if someone was awake or not. "Then why are you so upset?"

"Because I'm scared!" Ethan's eyes filled with tears again. "I'm so glad she's awake. I know it's good news and I'm happy. I'm sure I'm happy. But I'm just so scared, Cal. I don't know how well she is. I don't know how much her injuries have affected her. I don't know anything at all!" He began to cry again. "I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't have called you."

"Oh, Nibbles." Cal hugged him tightly again. "Of course you should have called me. I wouldn't want any relative to be alone in your situation and the same definitely applies to my little brother! Did she say anything?"

"No, she just opened her eyes and looked at me," said Ethan, sniffing. He let go of Cal and wiped his nose on a tissue. "I'm so relieved she's awake, Cal. I know it doesn't seem that way, but I am. But I'm still so scared."

Cal stroked his arm. "I know, Nibbles. It's natural to be scared. I'd be in a much worse state than you if it was you lying there. But I'm here with you and I'm sure you'll hear soon. How did her pupils look?"

"Equal and reactive," said Ethan. "She seemed to be focusing on me. She didn't look scared or anything. I really think she knew me." He dried his tears. "But I know that could be wishful thinking. I won't know anything till the doctor comes out."

"I'm sure we'll hear something soon," said Cal.

"Yes," agreed Ethan, though he still looked frightened.

Cal put his arms around him again. "And whatever the news is, I'm going to be right here with you."

Ethan rested his cheek against Cal's chest, looking up at his big brother. "I don't know how I'm going to cope if she's… if she's… but I'm going to do my best to look after her."

"I know you'll look after her really well," said Cal. "But I'm going to be here too. If you need my help or my support, I'll be here. I'm not going to run."

Ethan gave a shaky smile. "Will you make sure I don't run?"

Cal smiled back. "I really don't think there's any need to worry about that, but I will be here and I'll do everything I can."

For a moment, they were silent, just hugging. Then Ethan spoke again. "I'm sorry to be such a baby. All I seem to do lately is cry."

"Ethan, you've lost your mum, just days after you found her; you've discovered you have Huntington's Disease; and now your girlfriend's been seriously hurt," said Cal. "And let's not forget that we lost Matilda too. If you weren't crying, I'd be even more worried about you!" He brushed a couple of tears from Ethan's face. "It's okay."

They were still hugging when the door opened. A gasp escaped Ethan's lips and he shrank back against Cal.

"Ethan, we've examined Kate and although it's too early to be sure of anything, the early signs are good." There was a smile on the doctor's face. "She asked when she'd be able to dance and paddle."

Ethan gasped again. "I was talking to her about dancing and paddling," he said, much to Cal's surprise. He wouldn't have thought either of those activities came close to featuring in Ethan's favourite pastimes.

Perhaps he didn't know Ethan as well as he'd always thought.

"That's why we wanted you to sit with her and speak to her." The doctor smiled. "So she could hear your voice. Would you like to go in? She's asking for you."

Cal watched as a smile spread across Ethan's face, but then he looked worried and scared again.

"Can my brother come with me?" asked Ethan.

"Of course he can." The doctor smiled. "I'm afraid we can only give you ten minutes, so make the most of the time."

"I _will_ make the most of the time," said Ethan, his voice firm – and Cal knew he wasn't just talking about the next ten minutes.

* * *

Ethan was shaking as he entered Kate's room - though at least this time, he knew it was because he was terrified and not for any other reason. He was so glad Cal was here. Even though the news had been good, he knew the doctor might have got it wrong. It would be very easy to make a mistake because the doctor didn't know Kate. He wouldn't know if she was behaving out of character. He wouldn't know if she was showing anything less than her usual intelligence.

Maybe he was biased, but Ethan thought Kate could drop at least twenty IQ points and still seem very bright.

He felt Cal's hand on his shoulder. "I'm here," he whispered.

Ethan smiled gratefully up at his big brother. "I'm glad you're here," he said.

Cal kept his hand on Ethan's shoulder as they walked over to Kate's bed. The parts of her face that weren't bruised looked pale and he thought she looked frightened, but she managed to smile when she saw Ethan.

Ethan found he was smiling too. He knew there could be bad news to come, but she was awake and they were together. He moved quickly to her side and sat down, taking her hand in his. "Hey, Kate. How are you?"

"I'm all right," said Kate, her voice small and breathy. "I'm so glad you're here, Ethan. I was so scared."

Ethan heard the slight tremor in her voice and knew she was still scared now. He stroked her hand. "It's going to be all right, darling. I'm here and I'm going to look after you."

"What happened?" said Kate. "They asked me lots of questions, but I don't remember anything."

"What do you remember?" said Ethan.

"I was in the shop," said Kate. "I was just serving in the shop… but I don't remember if that was today or yesterday or a week ago…" Her eyes filled with tears.

Ethan felt a lump in his own throat. "I suppose it is very difficult to be sure – it's the same in my job. One day can seem very like another. But lost memories can return and even when they don't return, it doesn't usually affect your life as much as you might think. I'm sure it will be okay."

Kate blinked hard and made an attempt at a smile. "I suppose it could be worse. I haven't been here long so I don't think I can have forgotten more than a month. If I'd been here since I left school, I wouldn't know if I'd lost six years or six minutes. At least I can narrow things down a bit."

"Yes, that's true," said Ethan, looking at her in admiration. "How do you do it, Kate? How do you stay so positive?"

"I don't know," said Kate. "I suppose there usually are good things, even when everything seems bad. I mean, I'm in intensive care and I don't know what's happened to me – but it's not all bad because you're here." She looked into his eyes. "And I'm so glad you are, Ethan. I just wish I could be sure if what you said to me was real or just a dream."

Ethan felt a moment's panic - after all, he couldn't be sure that Kate didn't mean she wanted it to be a dream - but when he looked at Kate again, he didn't feel frightened anymore. She had liked him once, after all, and she was glad he was here now. "I said quite a lot of things, Kate. I was rambling. I do that a lot. I talked about how I feel about relationships. Then I tried to talk about positive things like what we could do when you were better. I talked a lot about my ambitions. The things I wanted to achieve before it was too late."

"Like becoming a consultant and going paddling with your clothes on?" said Kate.

Ethan nodded. His pulse rate was increasing and all he wanted was to lean across and kiss her. "Yes. And buying a hat."

"And learning to dance," said Kate. Her hand tightened around his. "I've always wanted to do salsa classes."

"Salsa?!" Ethan couldn't imagine that he'd be any good at that – but that didn't matter. It was what Kate wanted, so that was what they'd do. "Okay, I'll look into salsa classes – but we will have to wait till you're better. I don't want you to take on too much too soon and have a relapse."

Kate smiled. "I know, Ethan. I'll be sensible. I know I'll probably be stuck in bed for a while." Her smile faded. "And I'm scared. I know what intensive care means. I know a lot of people who go into intensive care never come out. I know I might not be the same as I was."

"Do you feel the same?" asked Ethan.

"I don't know," said Kate. "I feel weaker. More tired."

Ethan fought to hide his disappointment. "Perhaps I should come back later."

Kate couldn't meet his eye. "No. No, please wait. Ethan, when you talked about relationships… you did talk about relationships in general, but you talked about particular relationships too. Or one particular relationship." Her eyes lifted, but they met his for less than a second. "A relationship with me."

"I… I would like to have a relationship with you," said Ethan. He was trembling. He hoped Kate couldn't tell. "I'd like that very much."


	33. Chapter 33

**X-Sammii-X** , thank you for your review. I hope you do find Ethan and Kate cute together. But they're not quite together yet! You might feel yourself going weak at the knees again as there will be more support from Cal in this chapter.

 **westlife4ever80** , thank you for your review - I'm glad you thought the last chapter was sweet.

 **20BlueRoses** , Kate can't remember the first time she kissed Ethan, but if they do kiss again, it will be the first kiss that's entirely for them and not for show. I think Ethan might be able to remedy a lot of things! Thank you for your review.

 **ETWentHome** , it's very good news for Ethan and Kate, but as you say, Kate has a healing process to go through, physical and mental. Ethan might need to heal a bit mentally too as he comes to terms with his condition. Thank you for your review.

 **Guest** , it's so lovely to know you're enjoying the story so much - if 'enjoying' is the right word! I hope you weren't supposed to be doing something important in those two hours! I really hope you'll continue to read and enjoy the story. Thank you for your review.

 **Is-there-somewhere-x** , thank you for your review. I'm so glad you're enjoying this. I really wanted to include some of the things Ethan did on TV and I wasn't sure if Ethan would ever find the courage to say what he needed to if Kate was conscious!

* * *

Ethan watched as Kate's eyes widened with disbelief. At first, she seemed to have lost the power of speech: she just stared at him in wonder, her lips slightly parted. When she did speak, she could only manage a whisper. "Really, Ethan?"

"Really, Kate," said Ethan. He slowly got to his feet and leaned over her. Very lightly, he touched his lips to hers. "I was stupid before. I was afraid. I always panic when a girl I like seems to like me back, but there's no excuse for the way I spoke to you. I'm so lucky you're even still speaking to me."

"I could never stop speaking to you," said Kate.

"Oh, Kate." Ethan's voice caught. "I was so scared. If anything had happened to you…"

"But it didn't, Ethan," said Kate. "I'm still here. A bit more battered and bruised than I was, but I'm still here. And you won't be getting rid of me in a hurry, either." She looked at him for a moment with wonder in her eyes. "And for the record, Ethan… I love you too."

Ethan stared in amazement. "Really?"

"Completely," said Kate. "Maybe right from the first moment I saw you. I thought you were totally gorgeous, of course. Then I realised you were a lovely man too. I knew I couldn't let you walk out of my life."

"I tried," admitted Ethan. "I thought it would be the best thing for you. But you didn't let me go."

"I'll never let you go, Nibbles," said Kate.

"And I'll never let you go, Kate." Ethan pressed his lips to hers again. "I love you. And when you get better, I'm going to show you how much."

A soft laugh escaped from Kate's lips. "That sounds intriguing! I can't wait."

Ethan was horrified, especially when he heard Cal sniggering. He'd actually forgotten Cal was there. "I'm so sorry! I didn't mean anything like _that_."

"No?" said Kate. She looked slightly disappointed.

"Well, not yet," said Ethan, blushing. "Not till you're better. And not until we're both comfortable with the idea. But one day… I really hope that one day…"

Kate gently released her hand from his and reached up to stroke his face. "I really hope so too, Ethan."

Ethan kissed her again, more deeply this time. "I'm probably going to get kicked out soon. The doctor said I could have ten minutes."

"That's plenty," said Cal. "Nibbles only needs eight."

"Caleb!" Ethan was blushing again.

Kate smiled and brushed her thumb across his lips. "Ignore him."

"Yes: he's probably just jealous," said Ethan, smiling back.

"Why would I be jealous?" demanded Cal.

Ethan glared at him. "Why _wouldn't_ you be jealous? Kate's _beautiful_!"

It was Kate's turn to blush then.

"Kate's not my type," said Cal. "She is beautiful – I'm not going to argue with that – but she's my little brother's girl. She couldn't be more off-limits."

Ethan looked at him suspiciously, but there was nothing to suggest Cal didn't mean every word. "Thanks for coming in with me, Cal, but could Kate and I have a few minutes alone?"

Cal's eyes started to sparkle with mischief, but then he nodded. "Yeah. Sure. I'll wait outside."

"Thanks." Ethan waited until the door had closed behind him, then he turned back to his girlfriend.

His _girlfriend_.

They kissed again, but when they parted, Kate's face was troubled.

"I just wish I could remember how it had happened," she said. "I have no idea and no-one will tell me. Maybe I spilled something on the floor and slipped on it and hit my head. If I was holding a cup of something, I'd probably burn myself too."

Ethan lowered his eyes. He didn't want to lie to her, but he also didn't want to tell her the truth.

"But I don't see how that can be it," said Kate. Her voice was trembling again. "If that's all it was, I think the doctor would have told me. But he didn't and neither did you."

"Um… try not to think about it now," said Ethan. "You need to focus on getting better."

Kate's face changed. "You know what happened, don't you? You know and it's so terrible, you don't want to tell me." Her hand shook in Ethan's as her voice rose. "What happened, Ethan?" She began to cry.

Ethan's own eyes were stinging as he reached out to wipe the tears from her cheeks. He was especially gentle with the injured one. "Sweetheart, it is difficult when someone loses a part of their memory. Telling you what happened could trigger the memory – or it could cause you to build up a picture of what happened in your mind. It's like when you're told stories of things that happened when you were little. It's hard to know sometimes if you really remember it or if you just remember being told about it. Your doctor probably wants to wait and see if you'll recover the memory on your own. It is very early days, sweetheart."

"Really?" said Kate, looking up at him. Her wet eyes pleaded with him to tell the truth. "You would tell me if it was anything bad, wouldn't you, Ethan?"

"I…" Ethan was searching for a reply when Kate's doctor appeared.

"I'm sorry, Dr Hardy. Your time's up, but you can come back soon."

Ethan didn't want to leave. Not when Kate was so upset. But he could scarcely argue with the doctor. He bent and kissed her uninjured cheek – too embarrassed to do more in front of the doctor. "I'll see you soon, my sweetheart. I love you."

"I love you too, Nibbles," said Kate.

* * *

As soon as Ethan came out, Cal gave him a hug. "Everything okay?"

"Not really," said Ethan.

Cal held Ethan away from him. "What's wrong, Nibbles? I thought things were going really well."

"Our relationship is going really well," said Ethan. He looked upset. "And I am happy about that. I'm really happy."

Cal stroked his shoulders and waited.

Ethan's eyes were full of pain. "She wants to know what happened. I can understand that – I'd want to know too. I don't know what to do, Cal. Sometimes not knowing is worse than knowing something for sure."

Cal nodded cautiously. "That is often true."

"But what happened was so terrible... she's going to be so upset," said Ethan. He looked helplessly up at Cal. "Maybe I'm a coward, but I don't want to be the person who causes that."

* * *

Kate closed her eyes and screwed her face up in an effort to remember. It didn't help and she was fairly sure (she could ask her gorgeous doctor boyfriend later!) there wasn't any real reason why contorting your face should prove an aid to thinking, but she still felt disappointed that the attempt had failed.

She wanted to remember. She _had_ to remember.

No matter how bad it was.

"Nothing?" said the doctor sympathetically.

"Nothing at all," said Kate. She tried to smile. "It's horrible not knowing, but I'm sure it will come back."

"It's possible it might not come back, but there's no reason why this should hinder you in any way. We forget almost everything that happens during our life and we're not usually any poorer for not being able to remember."

"But what if other people do remember?" said Kate. "Ethan knows what happened to me. He doesn't think he ought to tell me, which I understand. But I can't help thinking… what if I never remember? What if Ethan has to keep it a secret forever?"

The doctor started speaking again, but he didn't manage more than a word or two before someone knocked on the door. Apologising, he went to answer it. "I'll just be a minute."

He closed the door behind him, leaving Kate alone. She closed her eyes for a moment, aware of the pain and tiredness in almost every part of her body. Her emotions seemed to be on a see-saw: at one point, ecstatic because Ethan loved her, but her happiness slowly dropped as she remembered she was severely injured and she had no idea what the future held.

 _I don't even know if I'll be able to work again_ , thought Kate. _Even if I do heal physically, would I be able to work in that shop again, knowing what happened there?_

Kate felt a fleeting moment of terror, but then it was gone. She lay tensely in the bed and trembled. Something had come into her mind just then, so quickly that she wasn't able to identify it. Just a feeling really. Not an image or a word or anything she could interpret. Just an emotion.

Something terrible had happened in the shop. And Ethan had been there.

The door opened. "Kate, there are a couple of people here to see you. I've explained you don't remember-" The doctor stopped and rushed to her side. "Kate, it's okay. Try to breathe for me. It's okay."

"Who's here?" said Kate as she struggled to breathe. She needed a distraction. Anything to stop the memory from coming back. A few minutes ago, she'd longed for its return, but now, she was frightened. She knew she would have to face it sometime, but not now. She wasn't ready now.

The doctor was frowning as he looked at her. "Kate, I don't think-"

"Please tell me!" Kate's breath came in sharp gasps. "I don't want to think. Just tell me. Please."

"The police are here, but I'll tell them it's not a good time to speak to you," said the doctor.

"The police are involved? In what happened to me?" Kate was still lying down, but she felt dizzy. The room was swimming and she felt like she was falling and the fact she knew she couldn't be only made it worse.

"Kate, look at me. Try to focus on my voice."

"I need Ethan!" Kate knew she was shouting in agitation and she didn't like to shout at anyone, but she couldn't stop. "Please get Ethan!"


	34. Chapter 34

_I'm so sorry I haven't updated this for ages! I've really become slow at writing lately._

 **westlife4ever80** , thank you for your review. It is really hard for Kate and Ethan. At least they have each other.

 **X-Sammii-X** , who doesn't love a bit of caring Cal? There's more in this chapter. I hope Ethan doesn't mind Kate calling him Nibbles. I love that nickname! It will be difficult for Kate to go back to the shop, but she's got Ethan to support her. Thank you for your review.

 **ETWentHome** , thank you for your review. No, it's not wrong at all! I'm sure Ethan feels exactly the same way. You want her to be hurting as little as possible, but it's difficult to know what would hurt least.

 **Tato Potato** , I think Ethan would be a wonderful boyfriend! Honey might not have appreciated him, but a lot of girls would. Ethan is very kind and he'll know how to help if she's in pain, so he couldn't be more perfect! Thank you for your review.

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan** , thank you for your review. I think it really helps Ethan to know Cal is there for him - for once!

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you for your reviews. I definitely wouldn't say no to a salsa in the sea with Ethan! Cal was very naughty, but as you say, he's not all bad. The only evidence so far for an inside job is Lily's suspicious mind - but you never know!

 **Is-there-somewhere-x** , thank you for your review. It is difficult for Kate, but she does have a really wonderful boyfriend to support her!

 _Thank you to I am Sherlocked 22 and ILoveLilies13 for the follows and favourite._

* * *

"I should be happy," said Ethan. "I should be absolutely, completely happy. Kate's awake. Kate's okay. Kate loves me. I love her. We're together. And I'm sure I am happy. But…" He shrugged helplessly and looked at Cal.

"Ethan, when someone you love has been through something like that and they're in ICU, it's okay not to be happy," said Cal.

"Is it?" said Ethan. He wasn't sure of anything anymore.

Cal nodded. "Of course it is." He held out his arms. "Come here, Nibbles."

Ethan let Cal hug him. It was only once he was in Cal's arms that he remembered that until his diagnosis, they'd barely hugged. He thought they'd actually only hugged once since they'd started working together. Perhaps that wasn't as surprising as it might have been. Not all brothers hugged. But Ethan couldn't imagine being without it now.

"I'm really scared," he told Cal – another thing he couldn't have imagined doing until recently. "About everything really. The future. My relationship. Kate's health. My health."

"That's natural too," said Cal. "It's okay to be scared of things, Ethan. I get scared all the time. You know I do. That's why I run."

Ethan moved slightly so he could look at his brother. "You're not running now."

"I kind of want to," admitted Cal. "Maybe I'll always want to. Maybe it's part of me. All I want is to run away to a world where you're okay."

Ethan remembered the time when he would have berated Cal for saying that; for thinking of himself. But that didn't mean he wasn't thinking about Ethan too. "Can I run away to that world with you? If I can bring Kate, I mean."

Cal laughed, but he seemed to like the idea. "Course you can. It's lovely there. Both our mums are there and they're well too. Matilda's there and she's mine."

"Is Taylor there?" asked Ethan.

Cal paused for a moment, then he smiled. "No. Taylor's not there. Matilda's mum's there, but she's not Taylor and she's not a con artist. And she loves me despite everything. And you and Kate have got your little girl too: your little Emilie. Matilda's the best big sister in the world."

"Um, don't you mean cousin?" said Ethan, laughing a little.

"Oh, right. Yeah. Cousin. Though we all live together so they're more like sisters."

"We live together, do we?" said Ethan. "You mean I can't get rid of you, even in a dream world?"

"No, you can't get rid of me," said Cal. "I'm not going anywhere. In any world." He smiled as Ethan's ringtone filled the room. "I just hope you've got a different ringtone in our dream world."

"No, actually, I haven't," said Ethan, though he'd tensed and he was shaking slightly as he pulled his phone from his pocket. "You've got better taste in my dream world so you quite like my ringtone."

Cal laughed, though his eyes were on Ethan's phone. "I suppose it could be worse."

Ethan looked at his phone and stared at it for a few seconds. "It's ICU."

Cal held out his hand. "Do you want me to answer it?"

"No. Thank you. But perhaps you could refrain from running away while I answer it?" said Ethan shakily.

"I'm not going anywhere," said Cal.

* * *

Kate heard him before she saw him. She couldn't really have known it was him as all she heard were running footsteps – two sets rather than one – but she still knew it was Ethan.

He burst into the room almost before she'd completed the thought and ran to her side. "It's okay, my darling. I'm here. I'm here."

The words reassured her, but they didn't stop her tears from falling. Ethan sat on the bed beside her. He carefully put his arms around her and lifted her so her uninjured cheek was against his chest. Kate put her good arm around him.

"It's going to be okay," said Ethan. "At least, I suppose I can't really promise that, but I'm going to do everything I can to make it okay."

Kate began to feel guilty. Ethan was so sweet, but he was suffering so much already. She didn't want to make it worse for him. "I'm sorry, Ethan. I'm okay."

"Of course you're not and you don't have to be," said Ethan gently. "Not with me. Not with anyone, really, but especially not with me. I love you and if you're upset, you don't ever have to hide it. I'll always be here when you're upset or scared or sad. Partly because I love you and that's what I want to do for the rest of our l... for as long as we're together. Protect you. Support you. Love you." The emotion in his voice deepened still further. "And partly because I know that's what you'll always do for me; what you always have done for me."

"But…" Kate wanted to tell him that was different. "It's not as bad for me. It can't be as bad for me. Whatever happened to me happened to you too, but I can't even remember it. You can, so it must be worse for you."

"Kate-"

"I'm quite badly injured-"

" _Quite?_ "

"But you have Huntington's. How can I complain about anything?"

"Kate, you can't-"

" I lost my mother, but you lost two mothers. It must be worse for you."

Ethan's voice was shaking. "Kate darling, you lost your mother?"

Kate stopped talking. She hadn't meant to tell him that. Nobody knew that. Only Milly and only because she'd driven Kate to the graveyard once when it was pouring with rain and Kate had staggered through an eight-hour shift with a bad cold, only to be told by Judy she was selfish for endangering the customers' health just so she could get her money. Even then, Kate hadn't been able to tell Milly. She'd just said where she was going and Milly had insisted on walking with her and Kate felt so ill, she hadn't argued. And Milly had seen the gravestone.

Eventually, they had got to talking about it in an oblique sort of way and it was getting easier each time and Milly had been very supportive, but Kate realised she'd never properly told anyone.

"Yes. I lost my mother," she said.

She said the words calmly. It shocked her that she could do it. But then she began to cry and couldn't even try to stop.

Ethan held her more tightly. "Sweetheart, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."

"It was over a year ago," sobbed Kate.

Ethan rocked her in her arms. "I lost my adoptive mother two years ago. I still miss her. But please forget about me for a minute. Forget about everyone but you. All the support and care and kindness you give to other people – you deserve that too, Kate. So please let me hold you and comfort you and look after you. It's okay. I've got you."

* * *

It wasn't easy, watching her cry. Ethan didn't like to see anyone cry, but at the same time, he usually felt it was a good thing the emotion was being released. He felt it was a good thing now, but Kate had so much pain inside her. She looked so hard for the positives and usually found them and they gave her real happiness, but that didn't always make the sadness go away. Not forever.

Ethan was getting teary too, but it was Kate's time to cry now. Perhaps in the future there would be times when they would cry together, but not now.

He kept talking to her – his words didn't make much sense and they probably didn't help, but he wanted her to hear his voice. Cal came out with some complete rubbish sometimes when he was comforting Ethan, but his voice helped even when the words didn't. It wasn't about what was said. It was knowing that someone loved you enough to want to make it better.

He still hated to think of what would happen in the future, if the relationship progressed as he hoped. He didn't want the girl he loved to watch him deteriorate. But he would try not to worry about that now. Kate might be fed up with him long before she reached that point. And if she didn't get fed up with him, perhaps she really would be happier with Ethan with his Huntington's than any other man without it.

* * *

When Kate's tears had stopped, Ethan continued to offer comfort, knowing she was still hurting, but eventually, their conversation turned to Kate's police interview that had frightened her so much.

"They've said I can be present in your interview," said Ethan, "but there are two conditions. They want to interview me first – just a procedural matter so I can't base my version of what happened on yours. It seems a bit silly now as we could have been planning out our story the whole time we were together, but that's the first condition. The second is that I keep quiet and don't interrupt or try to influence you in any way."

Kate cuddled closer to him. "That sounds fine."

Ethan kissed her head. "Well, all you need to do is let me know when you're ready, then I'll go and have my interview, then I'll come straight back here."

"Can I…" Kate hesitated. "Can I have just a few minutes more with you?"

"Of course. As many minutes as you like, my darling," said Ethan.

He could only hope he would be able to offer her many years together as well.


	35. Chapter 35

**20BlueRoses** , thank you for your review. I'm glad you liked the dream world. I'd like to live there too! I haven't written the police interview as Kate won't have anything to say and we know what happened anyway, but that part of the story will come back in the next chapter or the one after.

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan** , thank you for your review. I'm glad you think Ethan and Kate are cute. It doesn't look like they'll be seeing each other again in Casualty, but at least they get a chance of happiness in this story.

 **X-Sammii-X** , I don't think there will be many rows for Cal and Ethan in this story - I think they've both realised there are more important things. They won't be throwing punches anyway. I hope you'll like Ethan and Kate in this chapter too. Thank you for your review.

 **westlife4ever80** , I'm glad you like Ethan and Kate together. There's quite a long section for them in this chapter too. Cal doesn't spend any time with Ethan in this chapter, but he's still supporting his brother. Thank you for your review.

 **Is-there-somewhere-x** , thank you for your review. I think Ethan was a good person for Kate to open up to. Apart from the fact that they love each other, he's been through similar things himself. I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter.

 **Tanith Panic** , I agree with you that Kate shouldn't have worked with a cold - I imagine there was more to it, like that she asked to take the day off/asked to go home and Judy said no, but I didn't want to get too far from the main point. Cal lives in all my imaginary worlds! Thank you for your review.

 **CBloom2** , I think there might be a long, long queue of women wanting to marry Ethan! He'd probably think they were queuing in the wrong place and they really wanted Cal or ice-cream or something, but he is completely adorable. Thank you for your review - i'm glad you're enjoying this.

 **ETWentHome** , I love the idea of Cal, Ethan and Kate making the real world as good as the dream world. There's no reason why they can't - they've got each other and it is possible for Ethan and Kate to have children without the gene and maybe Cal can get Matilda back and find a girl who loves him. Thank you for your review.

 _Thank you to **lindsay1992** for the follow and favourite._

* * *

Cal shook his head. He could accept that Louise was rusty after so much time off. Being nice to people didn't come naturally to her so he could see it might take her a while to get back into it.

But this really was going too far, even for Louise.

"Just go home, get over yourself and get a job!" said Louise.

Cal could see tears forming in the patient's eyes. "Louise, could you step outside for a moment, please?"

"Why? So you can apologise for me telling the truth?" said Louise.

"No. So I can apologise for you being a complete b… a completely unreasonable person," said Cal. "Out you go, please. I'll be with you in a minute." He put a hand on his patient's shoulder. "I'm sorry. I don't suppose it's any consolation, but she's like that with everyone. I'm afraid there isn't much we can do for you in the ED – I really wish there was as I can see you're suffering – but there are a few things you might be able to try. I'll see if I can get hold of some information for you once I've finished sticking my rocket up Louise's…" He saw the patient's eyes widen. "Sorry, I didn't mean it to come out quite like that. Louise will certainly not be getting acquainted with my rocket in the near… maybe I shouldn't finish that sentence either. I'll get you the information once I've finished speaking to my colleague."

Louise was waiting outside with her arms folded.

"Right," said Cal. "If I was anything like you, I would now be telling you to go home, get over yourself and get a new job because you're obviously not suited to nursing. But I'm not like you, so I'm not going to say that."

"Too late. You just did," said Louise.

Cal sighed. "Louise, why do you have to be so horrible to people?"

"I wasn't being horrible," said Louise indignantly. "Some people need to hear the truth. I was doing her a favour!"

"We don't know enough about the situation to judge what she needs," said Cal. "If there's no medical advice or treatment we can give, you're right that all we can do is discharge the patient. But this patient has a genuine problem and is entitled to be treated with respect and kindness."

Louise made a face. "When did you get so sensitive?"

"Perhaps since my little brother found out he had an incurable disease," said Cal.

Louise said nothing.

"There's nothing I can do to make him better physically and I _hate_ that," said Cal. "I wake up every day and I remember he's basically dying and I want to punch and scream and hit things until someone makes him better. But that doesn't mean there's nothing I can do for Ethan; that there's no way of giving him a reason to smile; of helping him to enjoy his life while he's here. There are times to be a doctor – or a nurse – and times when all you can do is forget everything you learned and just be a human being."

* * *

Ethan walked towards Kate. The corners of his mouth lifted as he leaned closer and kissed her lightly. "How are you, sweetheart?"

"I'm fine," said Kate as his hand found hers and squeezed it gently. "Are you okay, Nibbles? Your nose looks a bit red."

Ethan gave an embarrassed smile. "I'll explain that later, but I'm okay. I'm sorry I couldn't be here this morning."

"You don't have to apologise," said Kate. "I know you'd have been here if you could." She patted the bed beside her. "Come on: sit down."

Ethan turned around and sat carefully on the edge of the bed, leaning back against the pillows and wrapping one arm around Kate. "You will tell me if I'm hurting you, won't you?"

Kate wasn't at all sure she would. When Ethan was with her, she forgot almost everything. She forgot she was in hospital. She forgot she was still in pain. Nothing mattered but Ethan.

"So, what have you been doing?" asked Ethan.

Kate had to smile at the eagerness in his voice. She'd actually been lying in bed all day and Ethan knew that, but he still liked to hear what he'd been doing. "I saw Alicia and Louise this morning. It's Louise's first day back at work. She looked really good."

"You'll make me jealous," murmured Ethan.

"But not as good as you," said Kate, and they both laughed.

"I am glad she's back at work," said Ethan. "She's very sociable, so she'd have hated being stuck at home. I hope she's going to take things a bit easy. It can be a bit of a shock coming back to work."

Kate linked her fingers with his. She knew Ethan wasn't particularly fond of Louise (or that he was 'completely terrified' as he would put it), but he still cared about her. "That's what Alicia said. I'm not sure she listened, but I'm sure there will be people keeping an eye on her."

"You're probably right," said Ethan. "Did Alicia stay with you?"

"Yes, she did," said Kate. "We talked for ages. But I'm not going to tell you who we were talking about. I don't want you getting a big head."

"Oh, okay," said Ethan. A moment later, the full meaning of her words hit him and he turned bright red. "Oh my goodness. Poor Alicia. She must have been so bored!"

Kate cuddled closer to him. "I hope you're not insulting my taste, Nibbles."

Ethan looked worried. "Oh, no, of course not!" Then he caught Kate's eye and they both laughed.

"I love you," said Kate.

"And I love you." Ethan kissed her. "I'm sorry to ask you this, but I don't suppose… well, you know..."

Kate shook her head. She hadn't heard anything from the police.

"I really hoped they'd have found something out by now," said Ethan. "I know it's easier said than done, but the sooner the police deal with it, the sooner we can try to put it out of our minds and move on."

"I would like it all to be over," admitted Kate.

Ethan's arms tightened around her. "I know, darling. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have mentioned it."

Kate's voice caught. "I just hate the thought that the person behind this is out there, walking around, perhaps planning…" She shuddered and Ethan stroked her back in circles as he tried to soothe her.

"I'm sure they'll be caught very soon, darling. And in the meantime, you're completely safe."

Kate had to admit she felt safe when she had Ethan beside her. He was small and gentle and shy and she really couldn't imagine him hurting anyone, but she felt so reassured, protected and loved, it was difficult to feel seriously worried by the threat outside.

She tried not to think of how she felt when she was here alone, at night.

"So, are going to tell me how you spent your morning?" she asked.

Ethan looked a bit shy. "I… I went somewhere. Somewhere I'd never been before. Except kind of once."

"That sounds intriguing!" said Kate. She could tell he was nervous. She stroked his face as she looked into his eyes. "You don't have to tell me if you'd rather not. But you know you can."

"I-I'd like to show you something." Ethan's eyes veered away from hers. "I hope you won't be angry."

Kate kissed him gently on the lips. "I can't imagine being angry with you."

"You might think I had no right to do this," said Ethan anxiously. "And perhaps I don't. But I just wanted…"

Kate looked deeply into his eyes. "Ethan, you're my boyfriend and I love you. I know you'd never want to hurt me. Don't worry. Just tell me."

"Okay," said Ethan uncertainly. He started scrolling through his phone, his fingers quick and competent. Kate tried not to think about how he would feel when he could no longer do that. She would love him just as much, but she knew it would make him unhappy.

Ethan seemed to have found what he was looking for. He looked at the phone for a moment, indecision in his eyes, then he passed the phone to Kate.

It was a photo. A bunch of flowers placed in front of a gravestone. At first, Kate thought it must belong to one of his mothers and she couldn't help but smile at the thought, but then she realised how familiar the picture was. She looked at it again and shook her head. "Ethan… you bought flowers for my mother?"

"It was a mistake, wasn't it?" said Ethan, his voice full of regret.

"No, of course not!" said Kate. Her eyes filled with tears. "Oh, Ethan. This is so… I don't know what to say."

"Please don't cry," whispered Ethan, sounding as though he might cry himself.

"I'm okay. I'm happy," said Kate. She put her arms around him and felt him hugging her tightly. "Thank you, Ethan. It was such a sweet, kind, lovely thing to do. I was upset that I couldn't go this week. But I'm not upset now. I'm so happy. Thank you."

Ethan stroked her hair. "I'm glad you're not upset."

"Of course I'm not," said Kate softly as she wiped her eyes. She looked at the picture again. Ethan had spread the flowers out in front of the stone so they looked almost liked a fan. "They look so beautiful, Ethan. I know she'd have loved it."

Ethan gave her a relieved smile. "I hope so"

Kate looked at the flowers again. "You got all her favourites."

Ethan kissed her head. "I asked in the shop."

"I love you," said Kate, as she tried to stop crying.

"And I love you, my sweetheart." Ethan held her tightly. "I didn't mean to make you cry though."

"You didn't," said Kate. She looked at the flowers again and laughed shakily. "Ethan, aren't they chrysanthemums? I think I know now why your nose is red."

Ethan looked slightly embarrassed. "They did make me sneeze a bit. But it was okay. I had lots of tissues. I think the other people at the churchyard thought I was crazy though. I, um, apologised to your mum every time I sneezed. It seemed like the right thing to do."

"Oh, Ethan." Kate hugged him tightly. "There was no need, but I bet she thought you were so adorable."

"And I told her what had happened and how you were," said Ethan. "I hope that's okay. I broke the news as carefully as I could, as I usually do with relatives."

Kate sniffed. "I bet she's with both your mums right now, telling them how lovely you are. Though of course, they know that already."


	36. Chapter 36

**X-Sammii-X** , thank you for your review. I think Cal will struggle a lot with Ethan's illness and I'll try to write more about that in later chapters. I think most people are probably to scared to say anything about Louise's attitude! Connie could make mincemeat of her if she wanted to. I also think Louise is a bad influence on Robyn.

 **CBloom2** , I think Cal has been more grown-up and responsible on TV too (on the rare occasions when we see him), but he still has his cheeky, playful side. It seems like he's subtly keeping an eye on Ethan, letting him have his fun but always there when Ethan needs help. Thank you for your review - I'm so glad Ethan came across as cute and lovely.

 **Tanith Panic** , I thought it was about time Louise had a few home truths - she gets away with far too much. Connie can be bitchy, but she's funny and there's no doubt she does care underneath. Louise just seems really hurtful. She was horrible to adorable Ethan on his first day too! Thank you for your review.

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan** , I'm glad you like Cal nearly swearing - as Cal's trying to be a responsible big brother, I thought he'd be trying really hard to be on his best behaviour, but Louise would test the patience of a saint... or even the patience of Ethan! Thank you for your review.

 **ETWentHome** , thank you for your review. I agree that Cal doesn't like to show emotion, but I think he's cried more than any of them, so on the occasions when something does get to him, he really reacts strongly. I would say he shares that trait with Ethan - which is surprising as they're so different most of the time!

 **20BlueRoses** , thank you for your review. I was actually a bit worried myself about whether it was the right thing to do! I think some people might take it as an intrusion, but obviously not Kate. I want an Ethan too! I'd like to write more about Cal's feelings in this story - it must be horrible for him too.

 **is-there-somewhere-x** , thank you for your review. I'm so glad you thought it was sweet of Ethan to do that for Kate. I can imagine he's a very thoughtful boyfriend, though to begin with, he might not have the confidence to act on his instincts. Honey made a mistake letting that one get away!

* * *

Kate sat with her eyes closed and her face tilted upwards as she enjoyed Ethan's kisses. He had so many different ways of kissing her. He could express so much with the touch of his lips.

Now, he was kissing her sweetly and lightly, his lips lightly nipping (or nibbling?) at hers. In between kisses, he broke the contact, moving his head back and looking at her for a moment as though he was somehow surprised to find she was really kissing him.

Kate didn't think either of them were very pleased when the door was opened so forcefully, it crashed back against the wall, making Kate jump and Ethan nearly fall off the bed in his haste to get out of it.

"Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry, Louise. We weren't…" said Ethan, who had gone a very fetching shade of pink.

Kate looked at Louise and her annoyance instantly faded. Something was wrong. Louise looked angry, but it was a kind of desperate anger; perhaps an attempt to hold on to one emotion in order to mask another. Kate turned back to her boyfriend. "Ethan sweetheart, I'm sorry, but could you give us a minute?"

"Yes, of course," said Ethan at once. He kissed Kate on the cheek, whispered that he'd be just outside, and left the room. "Please take as long as you like. I don't mind at all.!

"I just needed to talk to someone," said Louise, when Ethan had gone.

Kate patted the bed beside her. "You can always talk to me."

Louise looked closely at the bed before sitting down. "I didn't know you were with Ethan. I wasn't thinking straight. I just assumed you'd be on your own. I don't know why."

"Don't worry," said Kate. "I usually am on my own because Ethan's usually working. Would you like a cup of tea or anything? I'm afraid I can't make it myself, but I'm sure Ethan wouldn't mind…"

"No, thanks," said Louise. "I'd rather just talk." She paused. "But it was nice of you to offer."

Kate smiled. "I was just thinking about what I might like if I was feeling like you. Do you want to tell me what happened?"

Louise hesitated. She looked down at the hospital duvet and started fiddling with the edge of it. Her lips were trembling, but she just about managed to stay in control.

"Do you think I'm horrible?" burst out Louise.

"No, of course I don't!" said Kate. "Did you think I did? Or do you just feel generally that no-one likes you? It's horrible feeling like that."

"More a general thing," said Louise. She looked at Kate. "I know sometimes I say things I shouldn't. I don't think about what I say. I just say it."

"We all do that sometimes," said Kate. "Some people do it more often than others, but we all have different strengths and weaknesses – though having the ability and the confidence to say what's on your mind is could be considered more of a strength as than a weakness. It depends on the situation."

Louise looked a bit surprised, but then she nodded. "I suppose so. I do think I go over the top sometimes, but some people are way too nice. Like Ethan. Like, is he really seriously that nice?"

"I think he is," said Kate, "but I'm not the best person to ask as I'm completely biased! But Ethan does make mistakes. We all do."

Louise put her hand over her mouth. "Oh God. I'm sorry. I forgot I was talking to Ethan's girlfriend. Why can't I just learn to think first?"

"We're all different," said Kate. "I bet there are times when something needs to be said and you're the only person who can say it. I really like you as you are, Louise, and I hope you'll never lose your confidence or your ability to cut right to the heart of the matter, but if there are things you want to change, I'm sure you can. I mean, you came back to nursing. I can't imagine how much courage that might have taken."

"Yeah… it was scary," said Louise.

"Of course it did," said Kate. "Would you like to tell me what happened today?"

"I got annoyed with a patient," said Louise in a low voice. "He was fussing about nothing. A proper time-waster. Didn't have a job. Didn't have a life. Worried about everything. Cal was really sympathetic, but I just got annoyed."

"You can't help your feelings," said Kate. "A lot of people would find that annoying. But you can change your reaction - and you might find that reacting in a different way causes your feelings to change too."

"How do I start?" said Louise.

"Start small," said Kate. "You're trying to learn something new and that takes time and energy. You're also learning on the job – and your job isn't exactly stress-free. But you can take it one patient at a time. It doesn't have to be every patient, but every so often, choose a patient and decide you're going to try to be understanding towards this one and hold back your instinctive feelings. Don't think about doing it for the rest of the day or the rest of your life. Just think about the patient you happen to be with."

"But what if I fail?"

"If you fail, that's okay," said Kate. "We all fail sometimes. Particularly when we're learning something new or trying to apply something difficult to a new situation. It's like when you try a new medical procedure. You might not get it right first time, but someone else will be there to help you out. And other times, you'll be there to help someone else out."

"If I can ever remember to get my brain in gear before my mouth starts up," said Louise ruefully.

"Not _if_. _When_ ," said Kate. "And even when you're experienced at something, you're going to have slip-ups. I made mistakes when I started work in the shop. I've made the wrong kind of coffee. I've spilled things. I've entered an incorrect amount into the till. It's not good, but all I can do is retrieve the situation as best I can, have a cry on my break or when I get home if necessary and try to learn from my mistake. I expect you've seen all the doctors and nurses struggle at one point or another too. We're human. We don't get it right all the time and neither will you – but that's okay. You can learn from your mistakes without giving yourself a hard time about them."

* * *

Ethan was beginning to worry that Louise would never leave. Visiting hours would end soon and although the nurses were never in that much of a hurry to throw Ethan out, he didn't want to be any trouble.

But at last Louise emerged and he was glad to see she was looking much happier now. He smiled at her as she passed.

"Sorry for stealing your girlfriend," said Louise.

Ethan stared at her, then laughed. "Don't worry. If I was upset, I'd want to talk to Kate too."

Louise's eyes flashed. "Who said I was upset?"

"Oh… um… nobody. I'm sorry," said Ethan.

"No. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped at you," said Louise.

"I shouldn't have been so nosy," said Ethan with a smile.

Louise smiled back.

* * *

"I'm sorry. Louise really needed to talk," said Kate.

Ethan kissed her. "You don't need to apologise. I'm proud that everyone wants to talk to you. You're so lovely to everyone and that makes me love you even more." He gently took her face in his hands. When he'd had girlfriends before (which hadn't been often), he'd always been nervous about physical contact. He didn't want to seem overfamiliar or perverted or just plain weird.

When he was with Kate, he never worried. It wasn't that he didn't care. He didn't ever want to do anything that might upset or frighten Kate. It was more that he forgot to worry.

He kissed her softly, their lips clinging together. He felt Kate pressing closer to him. Closer than she normally did.

"I love you," said Kate. "I know you won't agree with me, but you're the sweetest, kindest, loveliest, most perfect man in the world and I'm so glad I met you." She kissed his nose. "Oh, and you're gorgeous too."

"Oh gosh. Am I really?" said Ethan, startled. "Thank you, sweetheart. Thank you very much. Oh, and I love you too."

Kate seemed to be looking at him as though she'd never seen anything more adorable. Ethan thought he'd probably misinterpreted the look slightly, but not even he could deny that she loved him.

And that was wonderful. Incredible.

But was it really fair?

* * *

Cal was waiting at the top of the stairs. Ethan kept his head lowered, not wanting Cal to see the tears in his eyes, but Cal lifted his chin until his eyes met Ethan's.

"Come here, Nibbles," said Cal, putting his arms around him.

Ethan shook his head and gently disentangled himself. "I'm okay, Cal," he whispered.

Cal shook his head. He put his hands on Ethan's shoulders. "What is it, Nibbles?"

"I've got to break up with Kate!" said Ethan. "I can't do this to her, Cal. I can't."


	37. Chapter 37

**X-Sammii-X** , thank you for your review. You're exactly right about how Ethan feels - he finds it impossible to believe he wouldn't be a burden and he really thinks she'd be happier with someone else. He's too modest! I think Louise finds it difficult to open up and trust people - it's easier for her to hurt them before they hurt her.

 **CBloom2** , thank you for your review. I'm glad you liked the last chapter and that Ethan is coming across in a positive way. I can imagine Ethan being really selfless like this - it wouldn't surprise me if he tried to stop Cal from looking after him in the show if they stay for that long (which I really hope they do!).

 **Tanith Panic** , I'm glad you liked the kissing! I didn't want to make it too graphic, but I also wanted to show that they do really fancy each other, even though nothing much can happen at the moment. Ethan really is thinking in completely the wrong way! I'm afraid this chapter might be sad. Thank you for your review.

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan** , it always surprises me how popular Louise seems to be, but I think everyone might be afraid of her - she seems to have a big influence over Robyn in the show at the moment. I'm sure she'd rather have real friends though. Kate really will be devastated if Ethan breaks up with her. Thank you for your review.

 **Is-there-somewhere-x** , I'm glad you liked the conversation between Kate and Louise - I was a bit worried it might seem irrelevant in a story that is mostly about Ethan and Kate. I find Ethan's modesty really adorable, but not believing in yourself can sometimes it can lead you to make big mistakes. Thank you for your review.

 **ETWentHome** , thank you for your review. I'm glad you liked Kate and Louise's conversation. A lot of people seem to enjoy being horrible (which doesn't make it okay), but Louise hardly ever seems happy, so I can imagine her wishing things were different. I'm sure Cal will try his best to stop Ethan from making such a big mistake.

 **westlife4ever80** , thank you for your reviews. It's a shame Louise doesn't have her mistakes pointed out more often - she gets away with far too much. It's true that Kate doesn't really know what she's getting into, but that will be the case for most people. Not even Cal knows as Emilie's cognitive abilities were still fairly good when she died.

 _Thank you to **rhibee4** for the favourite._

* * *

Cal stared at his brother in disbelief. Finally, after all this time, he'd found someone he liked and had managed to make a move on her – and Ethan wanted to throw it all away?

Ethan was crying now. "It's not fair, Cal," he whispered. "I'm being selfish."

"No, don't start all this again," said Cal. "I thought we were past all that."

"Maybe I was just kidding myself," sobbed Ethan. This time, he didn't object when Cal pulled him into an embrace.

"Ethan, you're exhausted," said Cal. "You've driven a long way today and it's been very emotional. Why don't we go home, have something to eat and you can have an early night? Then if you still feel the same way tomorrow, we can talk about it."

Ethan's only answer was more sobs.

Cal didn't let go of him, but time passed and Ethan was showing no signs of calming down. Very reluctantly, Cal let go of his little brother. "Come on, Nibbles. Let's go home."

Ethan sniffled and pulled a tissue out of his pocket, but it was in a pretty bad state. So was the next one he found. And the next.

Cal looked at them with something like alarm. "Ethan, have you been crying all day?" He checked Ethan's eyes. They were a bit puffy. Cal quickly checked his own pockets, but as he'd expected, he had no tissues at all.

"Chrysanthemums," mumbled Ethan as he finally found a tissue with a dry corner to blow his nose on.

"Cry what?" said Cal blankly. "You were crying about Mum? Which one? Or both?"

"It's a flower," said Ethan.

Cal was even more confused. "You were crying about a flower?"

"Kind of," said Ethan shakily. He was welling up again. "Can we just go, Cal? Please?"

"Sure." Cal decided the explanations could wait. He put his arm around Ethan and they quickly made their way out of the hospital. "It's okay, Ethan. We'll be home soon."

* * *

Ethan didn't argue when Cal offered to cook the dinner. Cal had been rather hoping he would argue as this would show Ethan was starting to feel better, but he didn't really mind cooking. It was only fair that he took his turn occasionally and Ethan's head was all over the place. Cal didn't even want to think about what Ethan might end up putting in the dinner.

Cal didn't question Ethan while they were eating – he thought Ethan might appreciate having a bit of space and he was a bit worried Ethan might storm off without finishing his dinner. But as soon as they'd finished, Cal led his brother to the sofa and asked him what had gone wrong with Kate.

Ethan started to look teary. "She says she loves me. She says she'll always look after me and I'll always look after her. She says you can look after people even when they're feeding you and pushing you around in a wheelchair."

"Well… I think she's got a point about that," said Cal. "I often felt like Mum was looking after me. It felt like she was watching me to check I was okay and when I got upset a couple of times, she comforted me. It will be the same with you, Ethan. You'll always look after people because that's what you're like."

"But I might not always be like that," whispered Ethan. A tear ran down his cheek. "What if it changes me, Cal? What if it changes who I am?

"Ethan..."

"Mum was lucky," said Ethan as he wiped his eyes. "If I can use that word. I know we can't be sure, but her cognitive functions didn't seem to be impaired. Although she found speaking physically difficult, she was able to say what she wanted to say. Her attention span was good. She was able to make decisions and remember things. But we don't know it will be like that for me."

"We also don't know that it won't be," argued Cal. "You have no idea how or when the disease will affect you. But Kate loves you so much and she wants to spend her life with you, no matter what that might bring. There's no such thing as a perfect life. No matter who Kate ends up with, bad things are going to happen to her and to her partner. And if she decides she'd rather spend her life with you than anyone else, why break both your hearts? Seriously, this girl is sweet, kind, caring, intelligent, compassionate, insightful... she's so many things. If any girl is worth hanging on to, it's Kate."

"I know," said Ethan sadly. "She's incredible. Louise was upset today and Kate talked to her for ages. Then Louise came out and apologised to me. Twice. And not in a sarcastic way either."

Cal had to admit he was impressed. He was also impressed (and relieved) that neither Kate nor Louise seemed to have told Ethan that Cal was the one who'd upset Louise.

"She helps everyone," said Ethan. "She was even trying to support the armed robbers. I mean, how many people would even think about doing that?"

"Not many," said Cal. "She's one in a billion."

"One in 7,432,663,275," said Ethan.

Cal frowned. "What?"

"That's how many people there are in the world," said Ethan.

"I'll take your word for it," said Cal. "But you didn't force her to go out with you, Ethan. She chose _you_. She fought for you. And now you're just going to break up with her? When she's in hospital and needs your support?"

Ethan looked at the floor. "Okay, maybe I won't break up with her till she's feeling better. But the thing is, Cal, if she commits to staying with me forever, she's not going to change her mind."

"Maybe I'm being stupid," said Cal, "but I'd have said that was a good thing?"

"No, it's not!" said Ethan. "It means that if she gets fed up with me; if she meets someone she loves more, she'll ignore her feelings and keep her promise to me. I don't want to trap her like that."

Cal held up his hands. "Ethan, stop a minute. First of all, who said anything about forever? Are you two engaged?"

Ethan blushed. "No. I haven't asked her yet. It seems a bit soon."

"So she hasn't made any promise yet," said Cal. "And if she is the kind of girl who'll choose one guy and stay with him forever… well, if she can't be with you, she's going to end up making the same promise to some other guy, isn't she? How can you know someone else would be a better bet than you?"

"Someone who's likely to live more than thirty years?" said Ethan. "Someone who isn't going to be in a wheelchair after the next twenty years; Who'll be able to work and provide for her; who isn't going to need her to do everything for him?"

"That could happen no matter who she ends up with," said Cal. "Accidents happen. Illnesses happen. We've discussed all this."

"I know we have," said Ethan. "But… I decided to ask Kate out on the understanding that if she'd ever had enough, she could leave and I wouldn't hold it against her or allow anyone to say a bad word about her."

"If Kate or any girl left you, I would say nothing but bad words about her!" said Cal fiercely.

Ethan gave a soft sigh. "But what if she doesn't leave? What if she's really unhappy, but she feels she can't leave?"

"Ethan, if Kate ever changes her mind about you – and I'm not saying she would - it wouldn't be your fault," said Cal. "It would be her decision. Besides, Kate won't be on her own and neither will you. And Kate wouldn't be doing this alone. I'll be there too."

Ethan looked even more emotional.

Cal put his arm around him. "Ethan, I can see why you're worried, but don't make any big decisions yet. For now, just enjoy it. Get to know each other. If you're really worried about it, you could always draw up some sort of pre-nup when the time comes." He patted Ethan's shoulder. "I know the future is always going to be on your mind, but you've got to try and live in the moment. Enjoy every moment together." He smiled. "If you want to do some planning for the future, you can always look up salsa classes and check there isn't a six-month waiting list."

Ethan gave a faint smile. "There isn't. I've checked."

Cal started to laugh. "Why did I ever expect anything else?"

* * *

"So, how did it go with Nibbles?" asked Milly.

Kate smiled and was glad they were speaking on the phone so she couldn't see how much Kate was blushing. Nibbles was amazing and just the thought of him made her feel so happy.

"I can't even see you, but I just know you've got that look on your face," said Milly. Her voice was warm. "I'm so glad you've found Nibbles, Kate. I love seeing you so happy."

"I love being happy," said Kate dreamily. "I love Nibbles!"

"So, what happened?" asked Milly. There was a smile in her voice as she added: "I hope he had a good explanation for not spending with the morning with you."

"Oh, he did," said Kate, her voice beginning to waver. "He's amazing, Milly. You won't believe what he did. He… he bought some flowers for my mum's grave and he stayed and talked to her and he took a picture for me…" Kate tried to hold back a sob. "He's perfect, Milly."

"He actually did it then?" said Milly. "He did ask me if I thought it would be okay, but I wasn't sure if he actually would."

"He did it," said Kate, sniffing slightly. "He asked in the shop what has favourites were and he bought them all, even though chrysanthemums made him sneeze. His nose was still red when he got here. Isn't that sweet?"

Milly's voice was affectionate. "Your nose will be red too if you don't stop crying!"

"Probably," agreed Kate, smiling through her tears. "Okay. Enough about Nibbles. How was work?"

There was a short silence. "It was... okay," said Milly guardedly.

"Milly, what's wrong?" said Kate. "What happened?"

"I wouldn't exactly say that anything was _wrong_ ," said Milly. "But… I suppose I'd better tell you. Judy came into the cafe."


	38. Chapter 38

**Bonnie Sveen Fan** , thank you for your review. Ethan really does need Cal at the moment. It's sad writing about it, but at least I get to write lots of brotherly scenes. It's possible that Judy's arrival in Holby is entirely coincidental - after all, coincidences do happen a lot in Holby!

 **X-Sammii-X** , Ethan just doesn't see how amazing he is - he just sees his limitations and he's forgotten that everyone has limitations of one kind or another. I love Ethan's modesty, but he is taking it too far here. I have to say Cal cooking dinner is tempting. I think he's probably a good cook - he's just lazy! Thank you for your review.

 **20BlueRoses** , I'm glad you can see where Ethan is coming from. He's making a big mistake, but I like to think he's messing up in quite a noble way. Not unlike Cal, in fact, though Cal's noble acts are usually well-hidden by lies and excuses! I don't think this will be the last we see of Judy... Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. I agree it was good for Ethan to relax and be looked after - and also good for Cal to step up and do something responsible for a change! Though I hope he's been a very big support to Ethan through most of this story. I think Judy might have said or done pretty much anything!

 **Is-there-somewhere-x** , thank you for your review. I'm glad you like Ethan and Kate together - although I didn't create Kate, I do almost feel like she's mine. I'm glad you liked Cal's advice to Ethan - I thought something quite mature and responsible was needed instead of his usual style of advice on how to treat a woman!

 **ETWentHome** , you'll find out what happened at the café in this chapter! I think Ethan (until he became 'more Cal') had his career planned (though not to the same extent as Lily!) and his diagnosis not only changes his plans, it makes it very difficult for him to make plans at all. It must be awful for him. Thank you for your review.

* * *

Kate gasped. "What's Judy doing in Holby?"

"Having tea and cake with a woman: I think it was a date," said Milly. "Probably a first or second date. It seemed like they didn't know each other that well yet. They were being very careful to check everything was okay with each other: you know, the little things you wouldn't need to ask if you'd been with someone for a while? Her girlfriend seemed nice."

"Did you know she was gay?" asked Kate. "Not that I mind, but I've never thought about it."

"Considering her obsession with you, it did cross my mind," admitted Milly.

Kate laughed. "I'm sure she wasn't obsessed with me like that! She just took a dislike to me. Sometimes that just happens. I have trouble liking Honey - her dad is so lovely, but I think she forgets he has feelings sometimes. She's still very young though and she is very generous. It was nice of her to send me that box of different kinds of teas. Some of them are her own invention and they're lovely."

"But why would anyone take a dislike to you?" said Milly protectively. "You're nothing like Honey!"

"Oh, I don't know. I have her old job and her old boyfriend!"

Milly laughed. "True!"

"I'm glad Judy's found someone," said Kate. "I hope she's very happy. When she was our age, homosexuality wasn't considered acceptable, so if she's grown up feeling it was something to be ashamed of, it's not necessarily going to be easy adapting to the idea that it's now completely all right. But maybe she'll be happier now."

"That doesn't excuse the way she treated you," said Milly.

"Maybe not, but it's over now," said Kate. "I have a new job; she has a new girlfriend – we're different people now and our paths might never cross."

There was a short silence. "She did ask after you."

Kate smiled with pleasure. "That was nice of her."

"It _might_ have been nice of her," said Milly cautiously. "It depends on why she wants to know. She didn't seem surprised to see me."

"Maybe she remembered the name of the café and she wanted to say hi," said Kate.

Milly sounded dubious. "I suppose anything is _possible_. There were a few snide little comments, but they were quite mild for her. Things like how she was sure we'd be able to find better cleaners once the café was more established and that she'd heard about were some really good courses on customer service."

"Oh no!" said Kate with sympathy. "Are you okay?"

Milly laughed. "I'm fine. It takes a lot more than that to upset me! I just felt bad for Judy's girlfriend. She looked so embarrassed."

"Maybe Judy was nervous," said Kate. "New relationships can be terrifying. And sometimes things just come out wrong. Did I tell you when I was talking about salsa to Nibbles and I said it would be a good physical workout and he said it would help me to keep my weight down?"

"He didn't!" gasped Milly. "He'd better not have meant it or he's in trouble. If you even think about losing weight, I'll bring you a chocolate cake every night till you change your mind!"

Kate laughed. "If you do that, I really will need to lose weight! But of course he didn't mean it like that. He was just listing the benefits of salsa. I would have let it pass, but I couldn't help laughing and he wanted to know what was funny and I didn't want to lie. It took ages to reassure him he hadn't hurt my feelings. I do love Nibbles."

"Oh, so you _do_ love him?" said Milly. "I'm glad you cleared that up for me. I really couldn't work out if you liked him or not!"

"I'm sorry!" said Kate, laughing again. "I probably do mention him too much. But I love him so much and I hope we'll have years and years together."

* * *

Ethan felt a little bit better the following morning. He did have a headache, but that probably wasn't surprising after crying for half the night and then falling asleep on the sofa with his head on Cal's shoulder. But he felt calmer and more able to think clearly.

He knew what he had to do.

Cal came out of the kitchen carrying a bowl of cereal and some toast. "Here you are, Nibbles. Breakfast in what was technically your bed last night…"

"Your bed too," Ethan reminded him as he took the bowl from Cal with a smile.

"I don't want to know how many times we've shared a bed recently!" said Cal, but he was smiling as he patted Ethan's shoulder. "But it's okay. Anytime you need me, I'll be there. And I know you'll be there for me too."

Ethan smiled. At one time, he might have been angry with Cal for assuming he would always be there for him, but he understood why Cal was saying it. He meant that looking after each other was a two-way process and always would be.

Ethan knew it wouldn't really be like that. He was sure that, eventually, there would be nothing he could do for Cal. Devastating as it had been to lose Emilie so soon, he was grateful in a way that the disease hadn't become so far advanced that she'd been trapped in her own body, unable to speak.

All he would be able to do then was break Cal's heart.

* * *

Kate smiled as Ethan entered the room. She would have smiled anyway, as she did for any visitor, but if she'd ever decided not to smile at Ethan, she was fairly sure she'd have found it impossible.

Ethan was so sweet. So special. So perfect.

So… ill at ease.

Concerned now, Kate held out her hand to him. "Hey, Nibbles. What's wrong?"

"I… I don't know if I'd say that anything is actually wrong," said Ethan. His voice was shaking and now he was nearer, Kate could see how tired he was. But he wasn't just tired: his lower lip was trembling and the pain in his eyes gave the impression that tears weren't far away.

Finally, he put his hand in hers. "Just tell me, Ethan," she said as he sat down on the bed beside her. "I love you and you can tell me anything."

"I… I just want you to…" Ethan did look teary now. He let go of her hand and lifted his briefcase onto his lap. He unlocked it with a click – he'd told Kate he'd recently changed the combination from his birthday to hers – and drew out a single sheet of paper. "I was hoping you might consider signing this."

Kate looked at it in surprise. She couldn't think of any reason why Ethan might want her to sign something. Her heart quickened as she began to read. She couldn't help thinking she wasn't going to like this. Ethan clearly didn't. She glanced at him again. His eyes were fixed on her face, his eyes full of agony.

She looked back at the piece of paper.

 _I, Katherine Daniels, confirm that I understand that Huntington's Disease is a debilitating, lifelong condition that will cause Dr Ethan Hardy's physical and mental abilities to decline. This process will continue throughout the rest of his life. To this end, I promise that if my love for the aforementioned Dr Ethan Hardy ever begins to wane, I will not stay with him and care for him out of any sense of duty. I will instead leave the relationship in order to seek the happy life I deserve. This is my promise and I will not break it._

Kate let the paper fall. It fluttered onto the bed and lay looking up at her, mocking her. She couldn't bring herself to meet Ethan's eyes. Time passed, but she couldn't say a word. She sat frozen, disbelieving, hurt.

It was like a dream or perhaps a nightmare and at any moment, she would wake up. Soon, she would be in Ethan's arms and he would be so different and he wouldn't give her a piece of paper to sign and then they would get on with being happy.

"Kate?" Ethan's voice was quivering.

Kate knew her voice would quiver if she spoke too. The paper on her lap looked blurry now and she could feel the first tears escaping.

"Kate?" Ethan took her hand. "Kate, please say something."

She spoke finally, her voice thin and wavering as more tears dripped down her face. "Ethan… could you please… leave?"

She couldn't look at him, but she felt his shock; his hurt. She heard his intake of breath. His hand began to tremble, then slowly, he withdrew it from hers. Kate's hand was shaking too as she half-gestured towards the… the _thing_ on her lap. "Please… take that away too."

"Oh, darling, don't cry!" said Ethan, even though he was crying too. She still didn't look at him, but she could hear it in his voice. She could feel it. "I'm sorry. I didn't want to upset you. But you can see it makes sense, can't you?"

Kate began to sob, completely unable to articulate the pain inside her. She wanted to say something. She wanted to reassure Ethan that all this was unnecessary and she loved him and she would never want to give him up, but even if she'd been able to speak, she doubted she could have said the words.

She knew Ethan hadn't meant to hurt her. She knew even now that he genuinely believed he was acting for the best, but that didn't change the pain inside her. The deep, twisting, slicing pain that left her unable to speak or even to think.

"Kate!" Ethan almost moaned her name. She felt his hands on his shoulders as he attempted to pull her into an embrace, but her body remained rigid and her head turned away from him. She loved Ethan, but at that moment, she wanted him to go. She needed him to go.

At last, Ethan took his hands away. She felt the movement of the bed as he stood up. She could still feel him, so close to her, and even though she still wanted him to go, she also wanted him to stay. She wanted to feel his arms around her. She wanted him to tell her it was all a joke. Not that it was funny, but at least if it was a joke, it wouldn't be real.

"I love you," whispered Ethan.

He paused for a moment and she could feel his desperation for a reply and she wanted to give it just to make him feel better – and because it was true, of course. Nothing would stop it from being true.

But the words didn't come.

The next thing she heard was Ethan's feet as he ran out of the room.


	39. Chapter 39

**Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. Ethan definitely meant it out of the goodness of his heart, but I'm glad you can see his and Kate's points of view. I'm sure Ethan does value Cal's support. He ought to! You'll have to wait and see about Judy. I hope no-one thinks I'm anti-gay. If they do, I'll tell them my Lily fantasies!

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan** , thank you for your review. I feel a bit mean for separating them again, but Ethan does have a bit of an issue which I can't sort out unless I bring it into the story!

 **Panicatcasualty123** , I'm really glad this is something you can imagine Ethan doing. It really is sad that they have to consider these things - at least, Ethan thinks they do. Kate just loves him and she thinks that's enough, but she's not the one in Ethan's position. Thank you for your review.

 **X-Sammii-X** , they haven't known each other that long, but they do love each other and I'm really glad I'm bringing that across. It is nice being able to write scenes where Cal and Ethan are close. I can't promise that Judy won't cause any trouble, but maybe Ethan can sort her out! Thank you for your review.

 **20BlueRoses** , thank you for your review. It really was a big shock for Kate - once she's recovered a bit, she probably will understand that Ethan meant it in the best possible way, but she really can't deal with it at the moment. Ethan might understand that, but he's still a bit all over the place emotionally.

 **ETWentHome** , I'm so glad you like Kate! The way she talks about Ethan is kind of the way I think about him, though I'm probably not quite as devoted as I do think about Cal too! Ethan always wants to do the right thing, but this time, he probably hasn't succeeded. Thank you for your review.

 **westlife4ever80** , it was really difficult thinking how to word it as I wanted it to be sweet and well-meaning and very Ethan, but also conceivably very upsetting! I'm really glad you can understand Kate being upset by it. Thank you for your review.

 **Is-there-somewhere-x** , thank you for your review. Ethan really did think he was doing the right thing - but maybe he hasn't ruined things completely! I'm glad you can understand why Kate would be upset.

 _Thank you to **Panicatcasualty123** and **Hollyoaker123** for the follows and favourites._

* * *

Cal was waiting at the end of the corridor near Kate's room. He'd known it was a mistake and he'd been almost certain this would happen, but talking Ethan out of it had proved impossible. All he could do was to hope Kate would understand.

But it looked as though she hadn't.

Ethan's face was pale and expressionless. He seemed to be looking in Cal's direction, but it was as though he didn't see him.

"Ethan?" said Cal softly.

Ethan blinked and he seemed to focus on Cal. His mouth opened as though he wanted to say something, but no sound came out.

Cal put his hand on Ethan's shoulder. "Maybe once she's thought things through…"

Ethan shook his head. He twisted his mouth into a smile. At least, that was probably what it was supposed to be.

"You're not pretending you're happy, are you?" said Cal in disbelief. "You've broken both your hearts and you're happy?"

"Better this way." Ethan's voice was barely audible.

"No! Not better this way!" said Cal. "You've really messed this up!"

Ethan's blank face filled momentarily with anger, but then it was gone. Perhaps he didn't have the strength left for emotion. He removed Cal's hand from his shoulder and walked around him, hurrying down the stairs.

Cal stayed where he was for a moment, unsure what to do. He didn't doubt that Kate was very upset. She could probably do with a bit of reassurance that Ethan loved her and he'd come around - but Cal couldn't leave his brother. In this sort of mood, there was no telling what he might do. Cal doubted very much that he was focused enough to treat patients, but this was more than likely what Ethan intended to do.

He hurried down the stairs. Ethan was out of sight now, but he was almost certainly going to the ED. When Cal arrived, he went to the staff room, but there was no sign of Ethan. Cal was fairly sure Ethan hadn't started work as he wouldn't have had time to change into his scrubs - but maybe he was so out of it, he'd forgotten to get changed.

Forgetfulness was a symptom, after all.

Cal almost ran to Resus, pushing through the doors and looking round with a terror that abated only slightly when he realised Ethan wasn't there. He saw Zoe looking at him first with annoyance, then with concern; Cal shook his head and went out again. Zoe might well want an explanation later, but right now, he just wanted to find Ethan.

He went to cubicles, standing outside and listening for the warm, polished tones that could only belong to one person, but although he heard Dylan's voice and those of various nurses, he heard nothing from Ethan.

Perhaps he was doing the sensible thing and telling Connie his head wasn't right for work – Ethan, after all, was known for doing the sensible thing. He might push himself harder than was ideal on occasion, but he would recognise when his distraction was likely to make him a danger for his patients.

Or would he? He'd certainly pushed himself far too hard after the hospital had been on black alert and Ethan was even more fragile now than he had been then.

Cal raced through the hospital and banged on Connie's door before walking in. Not even the sight of Connie sitting on her desk with Jacob's head between her legs put Cal off. This was far too important.

"Dr Knight!" said Connie in a deadly voice that would have made anyone think twice about reporting what they'd seen.

"Mrs Beauchamp, I'm sorry, but I can't find Ethan," said Cal.

Connie climbed down from the desk and rearranged her clothes. "I would imagine he is doing some work, Dr Knight. As you should-" She stopped as her eyes met his. With a quick hand gesture, she dismissed Jacob. "What's happened?"

Cal told her about the ill-advised document Ethan had produced for Kate to sign. "I know I should have stopped him, but I couldn't get through to him. I thought perhaps Kate might." His shoulders slumped. "I don't know what to do, Connie. I want to help him, but I can't do anything with him when he's thinking like this. I'm so scared of what he might do next. I'm so scared I'm going to lose him."

His voice broke. Connie got up and walked around the desk. She put her hand on Cal's arm. "We'll find him, Cal. Don't worry. Have you tried phoning him?"

Cal shook his head, feeling stupid.

"Do it now," said Connie.

Cal did as he was told, but Ethan's phone was switched off. "What do we do now?" he asked, hopeless tears in his eyes.

Connie rubbed his shoulder in a motherly sort of way. "We'll find some of the senior staff members - Charlie, Rita and Zoe if they're available. I think Rita's the only one who doesn't know about Ethan's diagnosis, and we can count on her discretion. If you see Ethan and he's obviously doing something he's not capable of, tell him I want to see him in my office." She almost smiled. "Not many people would dare resist a summons like that. If he looks like he's coping, finish gathering the staff members and we'll have a quick chat before we send for him. Any more questions, or can we get on with finding your brother?"

"What if we don't find him?" asked Cal in a shaky voice.

"We will find him," said Connie firmly. "I promise."

* * *

Every sob seemed to hurt Kate's throat; her chest; her stomach – but she couldn't stop them any more than she could have stopped loving Ethan. They came quickly, one on top of another with barely room to breathe in between. She sat with her head and shoulders hunched over as she cried, tears pouring from her eyes and dropping onto the bed, but she couldn't wipe them away. She didn't know how. She didn't know anything except that Ethan had gone and he might never come back.

She wanted to think about what had happened. Only then could she begin to think of mending it, but even when she could think, it was the barest and most disjointed of memories. She couldn't hold it in her mind for long enough to make any sense of it. The image always fell away and all Kate could think of was how much it hurt and that Ethan wasn't there.

When she heard the sound, she couldn't make sense of that either. It was a rhythmic, solid sort of sound, but she didn't know what could be making it. A moment later, there was a slight click and a gasp and then hurried soft footsteps.

"Kate, what's wrong?"

Kate knew the voice and yet she didn't. She sniffled and lifted her head, wondering if it had always been this heavy, and her eyes met those of Louise.

She looked shocked and worried as she reached out to touch Kate's arm. "Kate, is there anything I can do? Shall I get Ethan?"

Ethan…

The sound of his name spoken aloud brought the memories rushing back. Kate began to cry harder. Her body seemed to collapse and her head and shoulders flopped forwards. She had a feeling this ought to hurt, but she could feel no physical pain. Only the torture of losing Ethan.

"Kate, I'm going to sit you up, okay?" said Louise. Her hands touched Kate's shoulders, slowly raising them. She put her arms around Kate, letting her rest against her shoulder. "Yeah. You just, um, cry and stuff. We can talk later. If Ethan's hurt you, I'll kick his butt for you."

Kate cried into her shoulder, feeling her chest tightening painfully with every sob. She still wasn't sure she'd ever be able to stop, but as Louise continued to speak to her, her voice gentle even if her words were not, she became aware her breaths and tears were slowing and she was starting to relax, though that was at least partly exhaustion. She leaned heavily against Louise, feeling the nurse stroking her hair and murmuring something about everything being all right and they'd sort it out together.

At last, Kate sat up. "I'm so sorry, Louise. I didn't mean to do that."

"Of course you didn't. Who would seriously want to make themselves look that much of a mess out of choice?" said Louise. She cringed. "Sorry. I shouldn't have said that. That was horrible of me."

"It's okay," said Kate, sniffing. "All you meant was you know I'm not doing this for attention and I'm glad you think that!" She took the tissue Louise was offering and blew her nose. "Don't worry about it. It doesn't matter at all."

Louise smiled gratefully and stroked her arm. "Do you want to tell me what happened? I know I'm not that good at saying the right things, but you can tell me."

Kate started to dry her tears. "I just had a… a disagreement with Ethan. I didn't mean to worry you. I'm sure we'll sort it out. And if not… well, I'll get over it."

Louise put her arm around Kate. "Just don't forgive him too quickly, yeah? Wait till he comes crawling. You can't be the one chasing after him."

"It certainly wouldn't be a good idea now," said Kate. "I can't really walk much further than the bathroom!" She tried to laugh but couldn't. "I don't think he'd want me chasing after him anyway. Not now."


	40. Chapter 40

**Bonnie Sveen Fan** , thank you for your review. I think Cal probably really wants to make up for not always having been there for Ethan in the past. Maybe next time they're in an episode together, we'll see more of it!

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. I was going to write the scene with Alicia comforting Kate, but Kate had been so supportive of Louise a couple of chapters ago, I thought I'd develop their relationship and show that Louise really is trying to follow Kate's advice. I'm so happy you like Kate and Ethan as a couple.

 **X-Sammii-X** , Nibbles is having a tough time! It would be difficult enough anyway, but Kate was actually making him happy. But I'm a mean writer and I had to throw another spanner in the works! It is quite odd when you find yourself liking Louise, isn't it? She can be nice, but it's very rare! Thank you for your review.

 **Hollyoaker123** , thank you for your review. I'm really pleased you've found the story and that you're enjoying it. This story won't include Ethan's more severe symptoms as it's set in the present/recent past and it's too early for the severe symptoms, but I am planning a story where Ethan's symptoms are more advanced. I hope you'll like it!

 **20BlueRoses** , it's not like Ethan at all to skip work - though considering his state of mind, it's probably good he's not trying to work! I'm really happy you think Ethan and Kate have a future together - he deserves to be as happy as he can be and it will take some of the pressure off Cal too. Thank you for your review.

 **InfinityAndOne,** thank you for your review. It is good Cal went to speak to Connie - he could so easily have gone running off on his own without telling anyone! I think Ethan's condition, little Matilda and Emilie have made him more responsible. I'm afraid they won't find Ethan just yet! Kate must feel really helpless, stuck in hospital.

 **westlife4ever80** , I think Connie's strictness and professional distance are part of what makes her a good clinical lead, but she's also a brilliant doctor and that's partly because she does have a compassionate heart. She knows the difference between a misbehaving Cal and a genuinely unhappy Cal. Thank you for your review.

* * *

Cal tried to fight back his tears as Connie spoke to Zoe, Charlie and Rita. With Cal's permission, Connie had told Rita that Ethan had Huntington's and the nurse had turned to look at Cal in shock, her eyes filling with tears. It had taken a real effort for her to compose herself, though a hug from Zoe had helped.

Connie didn't explain the nature of Ethan's misunderstanding with Kate, but she said quite enough to let the others know that there was a very real need for concern. "It's possible he's left the hospital, in which case there's little we can do ourselves, but we need to search the hospital before we inform the police. I think it's possible Ethan is somewhere in the building. He's scheduled to work today and Ethan is usually very conscientious. We don't want to call the police, only to discover Ethan is sitting in the on-call room."

"No, we can't wait that long!" burst out Cal. He stood up and faced the others. They would see he was crying, but he was too worried about Ethan to be embarrassed by his tears. "Ethan _might_ be in the hospital, but what if he isn't? It's a big hospital and it's going to take time to search. We can't afford to take that time. If he is in the hospital, maybe we'll look a bit silly, but isn't it worth risking that to make sure my little brother is okay?"

Connie's voice was soothing. "I only meant we'd search the ED before searching the police, Cal. Not the whole hospital. I agree that would take too long. I know you're anxious, but I'm not sure the police will come if we haven't searched his workplace and his home – they'll probably just ask us to phone back when we'd done it. But we'll make the search as quickly as we can. Cal, do you think you could check to see if Ethan's gone home?"

Cal nodded. He sniffed and wiped his tears away, giving Charlie a grateful smile when the older man placed a supportive hand on his shoulder.

"Thank you," said Connie gently. "The rest of you, if you could help me search the ED, please. It shouldn't take long with four of us. Once we've done that, I'll phone the police. Cal, is there anything else we all need to know before we begin the search?"

Cal tried to think. "We should probably keep in contact with Kate – I don't want to worry her, but it's possible he'll go back to her. Though it's probably best if I'm the one who talks to her. She must be devastated and she doesn't know the rest of you that well."

"That's a good idea," said Connie. "I'll leave that up to you, Cal."

"Cal, I don't suppose you'd like to tell us what the argument is about?" said Charlie. "It might be easier to reassure Ethan - and easier not to say the wrong thing - if we know what's wrong."

"I'm sorry, Charlie, but I'd rather not say," said Cal. He could see Charlie's point, but he didn't want to do anything that might put Ethan in a bad light. "I don't think Ethan would like it if I told you."

Charlie nodded understandingly. "Okay. That's fine."

"Any more questions?" said Connie. Everyone shook their heads. "Okay. Please report back to me when you've finished searching the ED. If you find him, if you could contact me straight away and I'll let everyone else know while you do what you can to help Ethan. Try to bring him to my office if you can. Thank you." They all recognised her dismissal and started to leave. "Cal, could you wait for a moment, please?"

Cal nodded and gratefully accepted hugs from Zoe and Rita and a pat on the back from Charlie as they left.

Connie came out from behind the desk and put her hand on Cal's shoulder. "I won't keep you long. I just want to say we care about Ethan – and you – and we will do everything we can to find him."

* * *

Ethan stood with his arms stretched out, tears pouring down his face. "Why?" he screamed into the empty air. "Why did you do this to me? Why didn't you tell me? Why did this have to happen to me? Why, why, _why_?"

His throat felt sore. Whether that was from screaming or crying, he didn't know. He threw his head backwards, looking up at the sky, desperately hoping for some answer. He felt more tears on his face and pain sliced through his chest with every heaving sob.

He was hit by a wave of dizziness, but he didn't care. He felt his knees buckle and fought it for a moment before letting himself fall. He landed hard on his hands and knees, sending jarring pains up to his shoulders. But what did pain matter? It changed nothing. Ethan thumped his hands against the ground several time, wanting more pain, but it didn't help. It only made him cry harder.

Ethan collapsed onto his side and brought his hands to his face, sobbing. He wasn't wearing his glasses. He had no idea when or where he'd discarded them.

All he wanted was a happy and healthy life with Kate.

It was one of many things he couldn't have.

* * *

Cal burst into the flat, shouting Ethan's name. There was no answer. He hadn't expected one - he knew, somehow, that Ethan wasn't here - but he was momentarily overcome by a wave of hopelessness as he listened to the silence. Where could Ethan be? _Where_?

He rushed through the flat, crashing into furniture but not caring. He had to find Ethan. He shoved open the doors, flung Ethan's bedclothes aside and looked under his bed and in his wardrobe. He did this in every room, throwing things everywhere in his agitation and then trying to tidy up a little bit because Ethan would hate the mess…

No. There was no time to tidy up. He could do that when Ethan was safe. The only thing that mattered now was finding him.

Cal sent a quick text to Connie telling her Ethan wasn't at home, then he raced outside again, jumping into his car and driving to the church where their adoptive mother had been buried. He screeched into the car park, parking across two bays but not caring. When he reached the graveyard, his gaze went immediately to Matilda's grave, but there was no sign of Ethan. Cal tried the church just in case, but there was some kind of service going on and he knew Ethan wouldn't be there.

A lot of people in Ethan's situation might seek the comfort of a church, but Cal knew his brother. Ethan was in pain and he'd want to be alone.

He went back to the car and drove to Emilie's church, but Ethan wasn't there either. Cal went back to the car and dropped hid head into his hands as he realised he had no idea where to go. He could think of no other place that were important to Ethan and that meant he could be anywhere. Cal felt tears filling his eyes and wanted to give in to them, but he had to stay strong for Ethan. He had to remain in a state of mind where he could drive.

But he didn't know where to drive to.

* * *

For what must have been the tenth time, Kate looked down at Cal's text. She'd replied to say Ethan wasn't with her, but she hadn't heard from him since.

Kate wasn't surprised. If Ethan was lost; if something had happened to him, then it was her fault. She was the one who'd hurt him.

She felt Louise stroking her arm and managed to smile gratefully at her. Louise had insisted on staying with Kate. She'd had been more supportive than Kate would have imagined, and Kate was so grateful.

"I'm sure you'll hear something soon," said Louise.

"I did do the right thing, didn't I?" said Kate. "Refusing to sign the document?"

"Yeah, course," said Louise soothingly. " I think prenups are bad enough, though I guess you kind of have to with all those gold-diggers around, but I don't get why Ethan would think you're like that. I suppose he might have lots of money – he's quite posh and he doesn't spend it like Cal does – but that's bang out of order."

"Maybe I should have signed it," said Kate. "If it made him happy… I mean, I love Ethan. I can't imagine that I'm ever going to stop loving him. I know we haven't been together for long and we haven't even been on a date yet, but that doesn't matter. We love each other and we know we've got something special. We know it's going to last. Ethan wouldn't have written that thing if he didn't believe that."

Louise looked at her closely. "I'm not judging, but why didn't you sign it?"

"Because I think a relationship should be based on love," said Kate. "I'm not saying that emotions never change. Of course they do. But my relationship with Ethan is about love and trust and whatever that indefinable something is between us that makes us fit together perfectly; that makes our hearts fill with happiness and love and our minds with the knowledge we've found someone truly special. So the fact that Ethan has tried to turn something so special into some sort of business arrangement… the idea that if this situation occurs, then this will happen… I suppose it makes some sort of sense, but it seemed to cheapen our relationship. Our feelings. Why can't we just trust in our love? If something does go wrong, we can fix it together when it happens, in what seems like the best way at that times."

Louise was nodding. "Yeah. I get that. To be honest, if someone gave me something like that, I'd tell him to get right out and never come back. The fact he even did it would show he wasn't right for me."

"And that's part of the problem," said Kate sadly. "The Nibbles I love would have known he didn't need to do this. So that leaves me with two possibilities. Either he's changed… or the Nibbles I love never existed."


	41. Chapter 41

_I'm sorry I've neglected this. I know where it's going, but I'm not sure how to get there! But I wanted to get something up as everyone is always so supportive about it._

 **Becs2202** , thank you for your review. They will all do their best to find Ethan, but it won't necessarily be easy - it's a big world and Ethan probably doesn't want to be found.

 **X-Sammii-X** , that's one thing I love about Casualty - when they all work together to help someone. It's somehow even better when they're supporting a colleague than when it's a patient, probably because that means it's someone we know. Thank you for your review.

 **InfinityAndOne** , thank you for your review. It is horrible for Ethan - he has a brother and a girlfriend who love him and the job he always wanted and lots of people who care, but that's not always enough. You'll get a hint of where Ethan is in this chapter.

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. Ethan did mean well, but he's not thinking straight and Kate isn't well either, so there will be misunderstandings. Lovely Louise in this chapter too. She really can be so lovely - no-one else seems to have considered that the relatives' room wasn't very comforting.

 **20BlueRoses** , Kate is usually quite good at understanding people's motives - it can be more difficult with the person you love though. I bet a lot of workplaces would just see Ethan's disappearance as an annoyance and not bother looking for him, but the ED is really special, like Ethan. Thank you for your review.

 **westlife4ever80** , thank you for your review. I hope someone finds Ethan too - he's probably not in any state to get home on his own, even if he wants to! I don't think I'd have signed it, though I'd have considered it if I knew how Ethan would react"

* * *

Once the search was complete, Connie met Charlie, Zoe and Rita in her office. They all looked as desperately worried as Connie was feeling. Ethan had never been a centre of everything that happened at the ED. He didn't have Cal's confidence and swagger. He was quiet and perhaps overlooked at times.

But they were all very fond of him and very aware of his absence now.

Connie felt emotion tightening her throat and had to take a moment before speaking. "I'll notify the police."

Her voice was cool and poised and exactly what she was aiming for, but she found she despised herself for it. Ethan was a colleague and he _mattered_. To all of them.

She reached for the phone.

"I did notice something," said Rita awkwardly.

Connie's head snapped round "Yes?" she said urgently. Any clue could be valuable, no matter how small.

"Louise has gone missing too," said Rita. "No-one's seen her since her break. I don't suppose…"

"I think that's highly unlikely, Sister Freeman, don't you?" said Connie dismissively. "Ethan and Nurse Tyler are not close friends; nor is she the kind of person he might seek out of he was unhappy."

"And he really does care about Kate very much," added Charlie. "Even if Ethan has given up on her, I can't see him throwing himself into a rebound relationship with a colleague."

Rita glared at Connie but said no more.

"But thank you, Rita," said Zoe. "In a situation like this, we do need to consider everything, no matter how far-fetched."

Connie looked at Rita for a moment. 'Unlikely', after all, was not the same as impossible. "You're right, Zoe. Rita, please would you call Louise and find out if she knows anything?"

Rita looked startled, but she did as she was tld. "Louise, its Rita. Don't worry: you're not in trouble. I was just wondering if you had any idea where Ethan is…" Rita listened and Connie saw her face soften. "No, of course you couldn't have left her. If we really need you down here, I'll have to give you another call, but stay with Kate for now. It's fine." Rita said goodbye to Louise and reported what Connie had already guessed: that Louise was supporting Ethan's girlfriend.

"Thanks, Rita. Charlie, if you haven't phoned Cal already, perhaps this would be a good time to let him know," said Connie. "The rest of you had better get back to work. I'll let you know as soon as I hear anything – and if you hear anything, or if you have any further ideas, please come and see me straight away."

* * *

Cal knew he was going to have to pull over. He didn't want to stop, but he was crying so hard, he could barely see. The last thing he needed was to get into another accident. And if he died, who would care for Ethan?

Cal pulled in at the side of the road. He rested his head on the steering wheel, letting the tears overwhelm him. Since leaving Emilie's church, he'd been driving around, looking in the most unlikely places in desperate hope, but there had been no sign of Ethan.

He knew Connie had called the police, but it could take hours to find them. Days.

And by then it could be too late…

Cal sat up and swiped his hands across his eyes and nose. He had no time to cry. He needed to find Ethan. He ought to be able to work out where his brother might go. Somewhere that meant something to him; that might provide him with some comfort.

But what could comfort Ethan now? He'd lost everything.

Cal started the car up again. He ought to be able to work out where Ethan had gone. If only he could _think_.

And then he had an idea.

* * *

Kate wiped her eyes and tried to smile at Louise. "I'm sorry. I'm being terrible company. How is everything going at work?"

Louise stared at her in disbelief. "Kate, you can't really want to talk about work now."

"Talking about Ethan just makes me sad," said Kate, her eyes filling with tears again. She dabbed them away and sniffed. "I'd rather talk about you."

"Okay," said Louise doubtfully. "Work is going really good. I helped a really nice lady today. I didn't like her at first. I tried to take her blood pressure and she punched me in the stomach. I told her it was unacceptable to treat staff like that and I would not be bullied. I felt so bad when she told me she had Huntington's disease and the movement was involuntary. I don't really know much about it, but it's a genetic disease where…" She stopped.

Kate was trying to keep her sobs back, but she couldn't. "I'm sorry, Louise."

Louise rubbed her arm. "No, it's okay. You're just not in the mood for this. I wouldn't be either. Half the time, I don't listen when Robyn goes on about her patients. Sorry. That makes me sound really awful."

"No, it doesn't." Kate got another tissue. "I'll be okay in a minute. I'm sorry. It's nothing you said. It's just… I do know what Huntington's is. And… and…" She started sobbing again.

Louise put her arm around her. "Is that what your mum had?"

"No, my… boyfriend." Kate swallowed hard and wiped her eyes. "I'm sorry. I'm okay."

"Your boyfriend?" said Louise, shocked. "You mean before Ethan?"

Kate knew she shouldn't tell her. Ethan didn't want his colleagues to know, but she felt so alone... "No, not… not before Ethan."

Louise looked at her first in confusion, then in distaste. "Do you mean you're cheating on Ethan? I've been sat here being nice to you when all the time…"

Kate shook her head, desperately trying to stop another flood of tears.

"Well, obviously it's one of the two!" snapped Louise. "Either he was before Ethan or at the same time as…" Her eyes went round. "Oh God. You don't mean…"

Kate nodded, her tears falling now.

"Oh God. I'm so sorry. For what I said, I mean, but I'm sorry about Ethan too." Louise's eyes filled with tears. "Cal did say something about Ethan having an incurable disease, but there are lots of incurable diseases that don't kill you. I never thought…"

"It's okay," said Kate. "Don't worry."

"He's so young," said Louise, blinking hard. "But he has been shaking and dropping things. I thought he was just upset about his mum, but maybe..."

"She had Huntington's too."

They heard a knock on the door and they turned.

"What's happened?" said Alicia.

* * *

Ethan didn't think he was alone anymore. There was a shadow over him; a blurred shape. He had a feeling the person was speaking to him; that they were worried about Ethan. Ethan didn't want anyone to worry about him, but he couldn't remember how to speak. He didn't know how to stop crying.

His face and hands were soaking wet from the tears he'd shed; the tears that were still falling. He didn't think he was making a sound, but it was hard to tell. He could feel the pain of every sob; the shudders that ran through his body, and the tears kept falling and he didn't know where he was anymore.

Ethan started slightly, but he didn't know why. He thought someone might have said something. Something he recognised.

Ethan?

That was his name, wasn't it? So this person must know him.

He didn't know who it was. It couldn't be Kate or Cal.

He turned his head, blinking through wet eyes at the shadow, but he didn't have his glasses and the tears didn't help. He couldn't see if the person sitting beside him was man or woman; adult or child.

Or perhaps it was no-one at all. Just the whispering of the wind; the sigh of the sea. The thoughts in his head.

Ethan turned his face back towards the ground and cried some more. Perhaps if he cried enough, the pain would go away, but he doubted it.

Not unless he could wash away the Huntington's gene too.

He wasn't even sure if he was getting symptoms and it was already ruining his life. It would take his career from him; it had already taken Kate. But worse than that – far, far worse – was that it would take Cal's life too. If Cal wanted to give up his life for Ethan; to end his promising career early to care for his helpless brother, there would be nothing Ethan could do to stop him. If Cal gave up his own chances of happiness; if he gave up everything he loved…

 _I can't let that happen!_ thought Ethan. _I have to do something. I have to save him. From me._

Ethan had met so many people who couldn't look after themselves. The disabled. The elderly. The chronically ill. They came to the hospital with the people who cared for them and – with a few exceptions – Ethan had admired them for their courageousness. Even those who complained needed so much strength just to keep going as their lives ebbed away from them.

But Ethan couldn't see himself like that. He wasn't a patient. He was a parasite: sucking Cal's life away.

Ethan lifted his head. In front of him was the sea. The waves tumbled over and over, lapping at the sand before retreating. Ethan watched them, almost hypnotised. Slowly, he sat up. He felt automatically for his glasses but didn't find them.

What would that matter though? He wouldn't need them where he was going. He would have 20/20 vision there.

He rolled onto his knees and tried to stand, but he was too tired.

It didn't matter. He could still crawl.

On his hands and knees, he made his way across the sand. It felt soft and spongy beneath his hands. He stopped for a moment and plunged his hand into it, letting it fall through his fingers, but he was getting distracted now. Every moment he delayed was a moment in which he could be discovered.

 _Ethan…_

He stopped and frowned. He twisted his head and shoulders to see behind him, but there was no-one there. No-one to call his name.

 _Ethan, Ethan, Ethan…_

The wind. The sea. A voice in his head. It hardly mattered. It wasn't real and it would be gone soon. Everything would be gone.

Ethan crawled towards the waving sea.


	42. Chapter 42

**westlife4ever80** , thank you for your review. It definitely would be a very good idea if someone came along right now and saw Ethan - ideally Cal, but anyone would do at this stage!

 **InfinityAndOne** , I did have slight mixed feelings about Kate telling Louise as it's Ethan's secret, but Kate is very much affected by this too and she needs her friends' support and advice. Louise is also medically-trained, which can only help. Ethan really does need his brother now! Thank you for your review.

 **X-Sammii-X** , it is sad! Everyone will be completely devastated if Ethan is successful - actually, they'll be devastated that he even tried. That's one thing I love about the ED - they support each other. It didn't happen with Lily or Rita, but they usually support each other. I loved Connie even more than usual when she protected Cal from being breathalysed. She knew it was more than Cal being a drunken idiot again. I might have swooned over Cal once or twice! Thank you for your review.

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan** , thank you for your review. Ethan might have hypothermia - being in the sea isn't going to do him much good and if he does come out, he probably won't be able to get dry. Cal really does care about Ethan - he's going to feel so awful if he's too late.

 **Tanith Panic** , please talk to Ethan as much as you like - maybe he'll listen to you! I'm glad you liked the Freechamp friction - I didn't want to make a big thing of it, but I didn't want to ignore it either. Louise hasn't quite got the idea of being a supportive friend, but maybe she's getting there. Thank you for your review.

 **Becs2202** , am having trouble writing this story, but I will try really hard to keep going and not abandon it as the support has been amazing. I'm glad you're still enjoying this, but I can't promise Ethan won't do something stupid... Thank you for your review.

 **20BlueRoses** , thank you for your review - I'm really happy you like the way I wrote this. I'd actually written it completely differently, then I changed my mind when I was about to post it! I'm glad it worked. Ethan really needs Cal to save the day, but whether he'll find him in time...

 **Is-there-somewhere-x** , thank you for your review. I'm so glad you liked the way I wrote Ethan's section. It was quite difficult as there was no conversation and not even much movement to describe, so it's really good to know you liked how it turned out.

 **Depressed-And-Cool** , I wouldn't want you to die, quietly or otherwise, so here's an update! I'm so glad you like this story and I hope this chapter is everything you're hoping for. Thank you for your review.

* * *

Cal watched in despair as the petrol kept lower and lower. He was always forgetting to fill his car up and he always ran out at the worst possible moment, but why did it have to happen now?

He didn't even have any idea where the nearest petrol station was. He could stop and ask, but he was on a long country road and he hadn't seen any signs of life for some time.

He looked at the petrol gauge again. It was no good: he was never going to get there. He would have to turn off somewhere; go to the nearest town, wherever that was. Cal groaned and thumped his hand against the steering wheel. Why couldn't he plan for these things? Why couldn't he be more like Ethan?

 _I would do anything to be more like Ethan_ , thought Cal as he looked ahead, hoping for a turning. _Especially if it means taking this gene away from him._

He kept going. He saw no turnings; only footpaths and not even Cal was silly enough to drive a car up a footpath. _Or not after last time_ , he thought with a vague recollection of a drunken evening, but not even that could cheer him up for long. It had been a horrible night anyway. Driving his brand new car into a pile of stinking manure and then having to stay there because his girlfriend refused to get out of the car "until it's all been cleared up!"

It was strange, but the drunken nights Cal remembered best were the ones he'd spent with Ethan. He remembered waking up to find himself in the hall, no doubt after passing out there the night before, to discover Ethan had got him a pillow, a blanket, a bucket and a glass of water. He couldn't carry Cal to his room, but he'd made Cal as comfortable as he could, then he'd sat on the floor beside Cal and waited for him to wake up.

He had sometimes given Cal a lecture on drinking, but only once he was feeling better.

Cal wasn't sure why it made him smile to remember that sort of thing. There was nothing good at waking up with a pounding head, a churning stomach and memories you were really hoping were just a dream. But it had been quite nice to know Ethan had looked after him.

He was an amazing little brother, thought Cal, and then could have kicked himself. _No! Ethan_ IS _an amazing brother! And he always will be._

 _And I've got to find him._

* * *

Alicia sat and listened as Kate told her about Ethan, her eyes welling with tears. When Kate had finished, she hugged her tightly and said how sorry she was. "But you never know, Kate. You never know. And you can get through this. I know you can. You and Ethan really love each other."

"But what about that… thing he wanted me to sign?" said Kate.

"I suppose knew his health was going to deteriorate and he wanted to make sure you didn't feel you had to stay if it got too much for you," said Alicia.

"Isn't it awful?" said Louise. "I don't think he meant it to be really, but you can see why Kate's upset."

"Of course I can," said Alicia. "I'd be upset too. But..."

"But what?" said Kate.

"It's impossible to know exactly what was in Ethan's mind," said Alicia. "He's probably not thinking straight at all. But sometimes it's not about what people say or even what they do. It's more about what they mean."

Kate looked at Alicia blankly. She had a feeling she was talking sense, but she felt so drained. Her head was aching and her brain felt sluggish. She didn't feel able to take in anything at all.

"Ethan is going to need a carer one day," said Alicia. "If he has a partner, then you'd expect them to be his carer. But maybe Ethan doesn't see it like that. Maybe he thinks it should always be the partner's choice? That the partner should always be allowed to say no?"

"Of course it should be my choice," said Kate. "But I feel like he's taking the choice away from me by arranging everything in advance. He's not trusting me to make my own choice or to make any decisions based on that choice."

"Ethan's been a doctor for a long time," said Alicia. "He'll have met a lot of people with carers and seen the struggles they go through. And he's probably seen carers who really don't want to be there; who aren't really suited to the job and aren't happy doing it, but they do it anyway because they feel they have no choice."

"Well, they should do it, shouldn't they?" said Louise. "If they're family."

"That's what a lot of people think," said Alicia. "And I can understand the point of view, but we're not all suited to being carers. Even if we are suited to it, caring for a family member, especially a partner, is very different from caring for a stranger."

"But this is someone you're supposed to love," said Louise.

"It's so easy to look at this from the outside and judge, but it's really not our place," said Alicia. "It should be a decision between the people involved: they are the people who are affected by this. They should decide together what's right and make the best possible decision for the person who is ill."

"The outside world is often too quick to judge," said Kate. "But in this case…"

"Maybe the outside does have a point," allowed Alicia, "but that shouldn't really come into the decision at all. Maybe that's kind of what Ethan is saying. He knows if you found yourself in that situation and you wanted to leave, you wouldn't feel able to. You'd stay with him even if you didn't love him anymore. You wouldn't feel free to do anything else."

"I can't imagine not loving Ethan anymore," said Kate, "but I probably would stay. I hope that would be because he needs someone and because I'm still happy to help him. You can fall out of love with someone but still care about them. But I think the outside world might affect me too, yes. It's so much in my mind that caring for my partner would be the only right thing to do."

"I think this might be Ethan's way of trying to cut the outside world out of the equation," said Alicia. "The one influence that might be stronger than the outside world is your feeling of obligation to him. If you make a promise to him that you'll leave if you're not happy, then that becomes part of your obligation to him. You would never leave for your own sake alone, but you might if you're also honouring a promise to Ethan."

Kate looked at her for a moment. "I suppose that makes sense. I'm not sure I agree. I still don't think I like it. But…"

"You don't have to agree or like it," said Alicia. "But that might be at least partly where he's coming from. He's not trying to trap and restrict you. He's trying to make sure you're always free. Never tied to him."

Louise smiled. "Unless you're in to that sort of thing, of course!"

"No, I don't think so!" said Kate, and she was smiling too.

"You don't have to sign it," said Alicia. "You don't have to agree to anything. But even the best people make mistakes sometimes. They get confused. Perhaps that's what Ethan's done. He must have so much going on in his head at the moment. But that doesn't mean he's not a good man and you should never let a good man go. Not if you love each other."

* * *

After what seemed like years, Cal finally saw a sign-post ahead of him. It gave the names of several towns. Cal chose the nearest of them and continued along the road until he'd found the crossroads.

He found the right turning and sped into the town, where he parked on a double yellow line and dived into a women's hairdressers to ask where he could buy petrol.

They weren't too keen on letting him go, but they finally gave him directions. He thanked them gratefully and made his escape. On another day, he might have stayed to chat and maybe asked for a few phone numbers, but not today.

He filled up his car and then drove back to the country lane, following it until he'd reached the place that had meant so much to his family. He parked his car untidily and hurried down to the beach.

He knew it was a long shot. He knew there was no guarantee Ethan would be here.

He stood at the edge of the beach and scanned the area, both terrified of finding Ethan and terrified that he wouldn't – but of course, it would be far worse if he didn't find him.

And then Cal saw something.

His breath caught in his throat and he froze, too afraid at first to turn and look properly, but he had to. For Ethan.

Slowly, he turned to look.

There was someone lying on the sand. Cal felt panic tighten his chest and for a horrible moment, he couldn't move. He knew that was Ethan, but why was he lying down like that? He was lying on his side, curled up into a little ball, apparently uncaring that he was being buffeted by the waves.

Was he dead? Hurt? Or just devastated?

Cal didn't want his brother to be devastated, but that was his hope as he raced over the sand to the most important person in his life.


	43. Chapter 43

_I'm sorry - I think this is the third story I've posted in a row about Ethan being depressed. I'll try to make him happier tomorrow! I do actually really like the idea of making Ethan happy..._

 **X-Sammii-X** , I think Cal really needs you to hug him! I don't think he has a love interest in this, so he's all yours! I'm glad you liked Kate, Alicia and Louise's conversation - that was quite scary to write as I didn't want to offend anyone. We all know who the most important person in Cal's life is (apart from you). Thank you for your review.

 **CBloom2** , I'm sorry - this probably doesn't count as updating 'soon'! But I hope you enjoy the chapter. I'm afraid Ethan isn't doing terribly well, but Cal's there now and he is quite experienced at saving lives... thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , I know... I've done it again! But this chapter doesn't end with a cliffhanger. Or probably not. Maybe it does. I'm glad you liked the discussion between the girls. I would have felt so bad if it was offensive... I really had to keep an eye on Louise! I can't promise a happy ending, but it would be nice! Thank you for your review.

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan** , thank you for your review. I'm glad Cal's found Ethan too - I was going to write it with someone else finding him, but it had to be Cal. Kate might sign the document once she's got more idea of why Ethan might have asked her to.

 **InfinityAndOne** , thank you for your review. I think Kate probably will do her best to sort things out with Ethan... if I give him the chance! She's had a bit of time to think about it and get over the shock. Ethan's not really in very good shape at the moment though. I'm not sure how Cal will cope if the petrol delay causes him to lose Ethan.

 **20BlueRoses** , I'm glad you like the bits about Cal forgetting to get petrol and Ethan looking after him when he's drunk. I didn't want it to be too amusing in such a sad moment, but it seemed right for that sort of thing to be in Cal's mind and I'm really glad it worked for you. Thank you for your review.

 **Becs2202** , thank you for your review. I haven't actually said whether Cal runs to Ethan or not, but I think it's fairly safe to assume he did as you told him! I'm glad you liked the cliffhanger.

 _Thank you to **Jaidaabyr** for the follow._

* * *

Cal threw himself to his knees beside Ethan, his eyes stinging, almost unaware of the wave that tumbled over the sand, wetting his knees and half of Ethan's face.

 _Please, Ethan. Please be okay. Please._

And then he heard it.

Ethan was sobbing.

Ordinarily, Cal would have been devastated to see Ethan crying like this, but for a moment, he felt only joy and relief for a moment because it meant Ethan was alive.

And that meant Cal could still save him.

"Ethan?" said Cal, very gently. "It's Cal. I'm here."

Ethan opened his eyes. Between the tears and the complete absence of glasses, he probably couldn't see much, but he clearly knew his brother. "Cal!" he hiccupped, before sobbing again.

"It's okay," said Cal as he gently lifted Ethan from the sand and into his arms. "I'm here. I've got you."

Ethan was soaking wet and shivering. Cal suspected he'd been lying there for some time, letting the waves trickle over him. Waiting…

But waiting for what? For the sea to cover him completely?

Cal realised he was crying too. He knew it was his fault. Ethan was so vulnerable; so fragile and his actions had been so misguided. Cal ought to have guessed what might happen and ensured he was there for Ethan when it all fell apart.

Or perhaps he had guessed, but he'd run away as he always did because he couldn't bear to admit the truth of what it could do to Ethan if Kate said no.

Cal admitted now that it had been a very real possibility. It wasn't only Ethan who was vulnerable. Kate had been through a terrible ordeal and was all alone in the world, other than her friends. She was kind, sensible, intelligent and so many other things that made her just right for Ethan, but even she had her limits. Everyone did.

Cal held his shivering brother close to him and stroked his damp hair. "Come on, Ethan. We need to get you out of those wet clothes before you catch pneumonia."

As soon as he'd said the words, pain shot through him and he felt Ethan cringe in his arms.

"I want to get pneumonia!" wailed Ethan. "Like Mum did. Then I could be with her."

Cal lifted Ethan's head from his chest and looked down into his tearful eyes. "I know, Ethan. I know it seems terrible. I know it seems as though there's no future for you, but there is. And I believe you have a future with Kate."

"She'll never forgive me," wept Ethan.

"I'm sure she will," said Cal. "You just need to explain where you were coming from; what you were afraid of. She might not be able to read minds, but she's very good at listening and understanding. Just wait and see, Nibbles. But whatever happens, you've got me."

Ethan looked up at him, tears streaming down his cheeks. "You'd be better off without me."

Cal shook his head. "That's not true, Ethan. When I think of my life now and my life before we came to the ED… I am so much better off with you. I know I'm not going to convince you now, but I'll say it however many times it takes." He wiped some of the tears from Ethan's face. "Come on. Let's get you back to the car and put the heater on and get these wet clothes off you."

Ethan shook his head and buried his face in Cal's chest again, but Cal just wrapped his arms around him and slowly stood up with Ethan in his arms. Ethan made a small gasp of surprise but made no further objection. Cal settled Ethan more comfortably and carried him over to his car, wondering as he did so where Ethan had parked. He hadn't seen his car anywhere and he couldn't imagine Ethan using public transport when he was this upset.

But that was a question for another time.

Cal carefully lowered Ethan onto his feet, keeping one arm around him to keep him upright as he got his key out to unlock the door. Then he sat Ethan on the edge of the front seat and leaned across him to switch the heater on, aware of how much Ethan was shivering. "Okay, Ethan, I think it's best if you take your clothes off now. I know it's embarrassing, but there's no-one around and I'll help to shield you."

Ethan didn't look as though he cared about the possibility of being seen, any more than he cared about having wet clothes. Cal pulled Ethan's jumper and shirt over his head, then he pulled off his wet shoes and socks. Taking Ethan's trousers off was more difficult, but Cal managed it.

"Okay, keep your boxers on for a minute," said Cal. "I'll see if I've got anything else for you to wear."

He threw Ethan's wet clothes in the boot and got out his medical bag. He couldn't find any spare clothes, but there was a way around that. Cal returned to Ethan, handing him a towel, some tissues and a foil blanket. "Okay, take your boxers off and I'll give you my clothes."

Ethan looked up at him in bewilderment. "What will you wear?" he asked between sobs.

"I'll just wear my boxers," said Cal. "Don't you think I've always dreamed about swaggering around the ED in my underwear?" He patted Ethan's bare shoulder. "It will be okay, Ethan. I promise."

Cal closed the door to give Ethan a bit of privacy. He could have sat one of the other seats if he'd wanted privacy too, but he couldn't see the point. He sent a quick text to Connie, letting her know he'd found Ethan and he was fine physically, but he'd got a bit wet and probably needed checking out at the ED.

Then Cal confidently stripped to his boxers and also removed his shoes and socks. He put the shoes back on his feet, then opened the door a few inches, careful not to look inside as he held out his top and socks to Ethan. "Are you ready, Ethan? Here you are. I won't give you're my jeans because the knees are wet, but I think my scrub top will be quite long on you and you've got the blanket too, so no worries about making me feel inadequate. And I'll go and get you some trousers before I take you into the ED."

"Thank you," whispered Ethan, still looking distraught, but he did seem grateful. It took him a while, but he finally managed to dress himself in Cal's scrub top. "Um, I've got my um…"

His boxers, obviously.

"Give me the towel and anything else you want to give me and I'll throw them in the boot," said Cal. The last thing he wanted was to make Ethan uncomfortable. There were times when it was hilarious, but not now. He couldn't bear to cause Ethan any kind of pain.

Ethan handed Cal the towel. Cal took it very carefully, guessing Ethan's boxers were inside, and went to put them in the boot. While he was doing that, he got a text from Connie. _I'm so glad Ethan has been found. Thank you for letting me know. We'll give Ethan whatever support and medical care he needs._

Cal read the text a couple of times, feeling genuinely comforted by Connie's words, and returned to Ethan. Ethan was still rather tearful. Cal knew Ethan wasn't going to get over what had happened just because Cal was being kind to him for once. He was a bit shivery, but Cal hoped the dry clothes and the heater would do their job soon.

"Okay, let's get you into the other seat. I don't think you should be driving and it's probably a bit wet," said Cal. He held out his arms. "I'd better carry you: it's a bit gravelly here and you haven't got shoes on."

"I'll… um… open the door," whispered Ethan. His movements were slow, but he managed to get the passenger door open.

Cal smiled at him. "Thanks, Ethan." He reached into the car and lifted Ethan, making sure the blanket didn't fall off and and embarrass Ethan, and carried him to the passenger seat. Cal was cold in his boxers, but Ethan was the priority for now. He lowered Ethan into the passenger seat. "There. Okay?"

"Thank you," said Ethan.

"Anytime, Nibbles."

Ethan's eyes flooded again. "Please don't call me that anymore. That's what Kate called me."

"I don't think it's over between you and Kate," said Cal. "But I'll try to stick to 'Ethan' for now, yeah?"

Ethan managed a trembly but grateful smile.

Cal patted him on the shoulder and went back to his side of the car. "Okay, Ethan. I'm going to take you back to the ED. I know the last thing you'll want is to see anyone, but I'm a bit concerned about how long you were lying there. I'd like to make sure you're okay before I take you home."

"Okay," whispered Ethan.

Cal checked the heater was turned up fully. "You should warm up soon."

Ethan looked as though he didn't care much either way.

Cal patted his arm. "I'd better drive carefully: the last thing I need is to get stopped when I'm dressed like this!" He thought for a moment. "Though if it's a police _woman_ , I should get off all right."

He said it partly in the hope of a disgusted reaction from Ethan, but he wasn't sure Ethan had even heard. He was staring straight ahead through the windscreen, a desolate look in his eyes.

Cal leaned over and hugged him. "It will be okay, Ethan. I don't know when, but I'm going to do everything I can to make you happy again."


	44. Chapter 44

**Bonnie Sveen Fan** , I like that the chapter was brotherly-based too - I didn't especially plan it that way, but Cal's relationship with Ethan is important to this story and Cal in particular had a lot to say and do - enough to fill a chapter! Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , Cal can be great fun and very funny, but I think it's his caring side that makes him such a good and also such a popular character. Much more interesting than a character who is completely bad. I'm glad it wasn't too sad! Ethan is very distressed, but he's also very loved. Thank you for your review.

 **Mills2080** , thank you for your review. I'm so pleased you're enjoying the story. Connie can be strict, but she is usually fair - if she thought Ethan was just throwing a tantrum, she'd have put him in his place, but she knows the difference. That's a big part of why I love her.

 **X-Sammii-X** , thank you for your review. It will probably take a while for Ethan to recover and there will continue to be ups and downs, but he does have a lot of support - he's lucky in that respect. You like Cal in his boxers? Well, who wouldn't? Next time he takes you out, I'm sure he'll be improperly dressed, just for you!

 **InfinityAndOne** , Ethan is definitely a lot more okay than he could have been if Cal hadn't found him. He is going to need a lot of support - he does have a lot and we can only hope it will be enough. He has Cal to look after him and it's always a positive to have Connie on your side! Thank you for your review.

 **20BlueRoses** , thank you for your review. I'm really happy you liked the way I wrote Ethan's feelings. It's so difficult to say if the depression is a symptom or not - even I'm not sure! Maybe if he gets a really good therapist, he can work it out, but they'll only know for sure if no further symptoms develop. Poor Ethan. It's so sad.

 **Is-there-somewhere-x** , thank you for your review. I would love to see Cal taking care of Ethan more on TV too. I think Cal doesn't quite know the best way to support him and when he tries, Ethan pushes him away because I don't think he's ready to admit he needs support. But Ethan has been struggling lately, so you never know!

 _Thank you to **Mills2808** for the follow and favourite._

* * *

Kate knew something was going on. She didn't think Alicia and Louise would have been allowed to stay with her for so long otherwise. She wasn't surprised when Connie called Alicia back to work, though what did surprise her was that Alicia reassured Connie it was all right and not to worry. Kate wouldn't have thought Connie needed or expected her junior doctors to reassure her as a rule.

Alicia hugged Kate. "I'll come back as soon as I can. And whatever you decide, I'm going to support you."

Kate hugged her back. "I honestly don't know what I've decided yet. I'm still pretty confused. But you're right… it is a mistake to let a good man go – as long as he's the right good man for me."

"It's your decision, Kate," said Alicia. "Completely your decision, okay? We'll support you no matter what you decide."

Once she'd gone, Kate looked at Louise. "Do you think I should take him back?"

"Yeah, I think maybe you should," said Louise. "Alicia won't like me saying that because it is your decision, but I'm not going to lie. You're a good couple and I reckon Alicia might be right about why he did it. Let's face it: there are much worse things he could have done."

Kate smiled and nodded. That was certainly true. "Do you think he'd take me back if I don't sign the document?"

"If he doesn't, he's an even bigger idiot than I thought," said Louise.

"Well… we'll just have to wait and see what happens," said Kate. She was still upset about Ethan, but it did help to have two new friends who really cared about her – and whatever happened between her and Ethan, she couldn't regret having met and known and dated him. He was special. She was lucky he'd been part of her life.

She only hoped that part of her life wasn't over.

There was a knock on the door and Lily entered. "Kate, I heard about Ethan. Are you all right?"

Kate stared at her. "What did you hear about Ethan? Did Alicia tell you?" She hoped Alicia hadn't told too many people about their argument. She didn't mind that Lily knew because she was Kate's friend and she would never gossip, but she was slightly shocked that Alicia had told anyone at all.

Kate hoped she hadn't told Robyn. Robyn was really lovely, but she wasn't very good at keeping secrets. It would be awful if the whole ED found out about it. Ethan would be so embarrassed and it was likely not everyone would understand. Even Kate had had trouble understanding his motives and she felt she knew Ethan very well. It would be terrible if the whole ED turned on Ethan, as she suspected they had on Lily.

"I haven't heard very much, but I know a search was being made for him," said Lily. "I heard Charlie and Rita discussing it. So I know he has gone missing from the ED – which isn't like him. Ethan is usually very dedicated to his-"

"Missing?!" gasped Kate. "What happened?"

A look of horror came to Lily's face. "You didn't know?"

"I had no idea," whispered Kate. She leaned back against her pillows, closing her eyes against a wave of giddiness. "He left my room, but I have no idea what happened after that. I assumed he'd gone back to work."

She felt Louise's hand on her shoulder. "Are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine. I just.." Kate opened her eyes. "It is a shock, but I'm okay. What exactly were they saying, Lily?"

Lily's eyes were wide with dismay. "I… I should not have said anything. I am sorry. I thought you would know."

"I knew they were looking for him," admitted Louise, "but I didn't know he was actually _lost_. Rita phoned and asked if he was up here and I said no. Though that is a bit weird when you think about it: you'd expect Mrs Beauchamp to be the one checking up on Ethan and she'd phone Ethan, not me. I'm sorry, Kate. I obviously wasn't thinking."

"Don't worry," said Kate, though her voice was shaking. "Louise, it's okay that you didn't realise. So many things seem obvious with hindsight, but at the time, you just take things as they are. And Lily, it was natural to assume I knew – and I'm glad you told me. I really don't blame either of you at all. But please, Lily, now I do know he's gone, I need to know everything. Will you tell me? Please?"

Lily looked uncertain. "I'm not sure…"

"Well, you've said it now and you've upset Kate," said Louise. "So you'd better spill."

"Okay. I didn't hear very much," said Lily. "Rita asked Charlie why they were even doing 'this' as it didn't seem likely Ethan would be hiding in the ED and it would be much more sensible to go and check if his car was there. Charlie says the presence or absence of his car wouldn't prove anything as he sometimes got a lift from Cal – and if the car _was_ there, he might have left on foot. Rita said it also seemed out of character for him to run away – it was more like Cal. Charlie said they shouldn't underestimate what Ethan's going through and in the circumstances, it would be dangerous to make assumptions based on his usual behaviour. Rita said that perhaps Charlie was right and then they walked away in different directions."

"Do you know what he's… going through?" asked Louise.

Lily nodded. "Yes."

"You know about his condition?"

"I know he has Huntington's."

Kate was still trying to take in what Lily had said. "So, he's… gone. He's left the ED. No-one knows where he is. He could be anywhere." Her voice rose slightly in panic. "What are we going to do? Have they called the police?"

"I can't answer that, but the most sensible thing to do would be to call Cal and ask him," said Lily.

"Yes, I think-" Kate stopped. "No, we can't. We can't do that. Charlie and Rita were obviously trying to keep it a secret. It is likely Cal knows, but if he doesn't, we're just going to create panic. If he does know, he's going to be out of his mind with worry and he doesn't need me putting more pressure on him. All we can do is wait."

Lily nodded approvingly. "Yes, that is a sensible course of action."

"But waiting is going to be so hard," said Kate softly. "Ethan's alone and he's hurting. I don't know where he is or what kind of state he's in. I know it's the sensible thing to do and I'm going to try so hard to do it, but I love him and I don't know where he is and anything could have happened. And it was me who hurt him. If anything's happened to him…"

Louise gave her a hug and even Lily sat on the bed and took her hand.

* * *

Cal parked the car outside the ED and looked at Ethan. He looked pale and was still a bit shivery. Cal leaned over to give him a hug, holding Ethan tightly against his shoulder. "It's okay, Ethan. We're here now. I'll go and get you some trousers, then I'll be right back, okay? Have you got your locker key?"

Ethan looked at him blankly.

"I'll probably be in your scrubs," realised Cal. "I'll go and get it out of the boot. Just stay here and wait for me, okay?"

Ethan nodded.

Cal squeezed his shoulder. "I'll be back soon."

Cal climbed out of the car, fetched Ethan's keys and hurried into the ED. He heard wolf whistles as he walked past reception and remembered he was in his boxers, but he didn't care. He actually felt almost annoyed, though he knew it was unfair. They didn't know his little brother had just tried to kill himself.

He saw Connie standing in reception. He hurried over to her and explained what had happened.

"Okay: you'd better get some clothes for yourself as well as Ethan's trousers," said Connie. "We've cleared a cubicle for him."

"Thank you, Mrs Beauchamp."

Connie touched his shoulder. "He's one of us, Cal."

"I… I'm so worried about him," confessed Cal, his voice shaking.

Connie put her hand on Cal's arm. "Of course you are. We all are and we're going to support you both. Now, Ethan needs you to be strong for him for a little bit longer. Can you do that?"

Cal nodded. It wasn't going to be easy, but this was _Ethan_. "Does everyone know?"

"Zoe, Charlie and Rita know," said Connie. "We're hoping no-one else does, but you know what this hospital is like."

"Has anyone told Kate?"

"Not to my knowledge," said Connie. "Though I gather she is rather upset about the incident that led to Ethan's disappearance. Let's assess Ethan and see what state he is, physically and mentally, before we speak to Kate. She's a patient too. We don't want to worry her unnecessarily, but we equally don't want her to get her hopes up."

"Okay," said Cal. "I'll go and sort Ethan's trousers."

He went to the staff room, hearing more whistles and shouts from colleagues on the way.

Robyn sidled up to him, a big smile on her face. "So, what have you been up to then, Cal? And who's the lucky lady?"

Cal wanted to snap that he'd been rescuing his suicidal brother, but he didn't want to upset Robyn. She was going to feel bad enough when she heard about Ethan – as everyone would. "I was… assisting in an emergency," he said instead. "The patient's clothes were wet, so I gave him mine."

"Oh. Sorry," said Robyn at once. "I'll leave you to it."

Cal went to Ethan's locker. He found the shirt, jumper and trousers Ethan had worn to work (they weren't exactly to Cal's taste, but at least they would help keep Ethan warm) and reluctantly went to find himself some scrub trousers to wear. He put them on quickly and hurried out to the car.

He was relieved to be going back to Ethan, but it also frightened him. He knew it was possible Ethan wouldn't be there. Maybe the car wouldn't be there either.

Even if Ethan was there, the thought of the state he could be in terrified Cal.

He allowed himself to pause a moment in relief when he saw the car was still there. He almost cried when he saw that Ethan was still in it. He was leaning back against the seat, his eyes closed. At first, Cal felt terror that Ethan didn't seem to be moving, then he saw the tears sliding down Ethan's cheeks.


	45. Chapter 45

**Bonnie Sveen Fan** , thank you for your review. It's difficult to see a happy ending for Ethan - and all he's seeing at the moment is the ending.

 **CBloom2** , thank you for your review. Ethan really is in a state and I'm not sure how they're going to help him! I'll have to try to think of something.

 **InfinityAndOne** , knowing can definitely be worse than not knowing at times. When you don't know, you're going to imagine the worst, but you might also have hope. Though Ethan is still alive, so I suppose there is a small amount of hope. Kate will be devastated - if someone tells her. Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , it is tragic. Things might get better for Ethan, but then they're going to get worse again and he might feel just the same. Ethan does deserve to be happy, but I don't think he sees that as being possible, even if he does deserve it. Which is also tragic. Thank you for your review.

 **X-Sammii-X** , thank you for your review. Kate will be upset when she hears Ethan attempted suicide, but I think Cal and the others will try to keep that from her for as long as possible. Connie can be very strict with her staff - as Cal knows - but she is usually very understanding about personal issues like this.

 **Jaidaabyr** , thank you for your review - I'm really happy you found the chapter realistic. I hope they will do something similar in the show, even though it will be so sad to watch! After the first shock, Ethan has dealt with it well, but it might hit him harder later. I think he's finding it harder to ignore now.

 **Depressed-And-Cool** , Ethan isn't really okay, but he's alive and he's got Cal with him, so things could be a lot worse! Thank you for your review.

 _Thank you to **Jaidaabyr** for the favourite._

* * *

Cal opened the door and knelt beside Ethan, putting the clothes on Ethan's lap. "Hey, Ethan. Don't cry. It won't always feel like this."

Ethan's tearful eyes met his, but he said nothing.

"You put those on, okay? I'll be right here." Cal shut the door and stood with his back against the window, giving Ethan as much privacy as he could. When he judged he'd given Ethan enough time to get dressed, he moved in and looked through the window. Ethan had the trousers on, but he was still wearing Cal's top.

Cal opened the door. "Any chance I can have my top back?"

There was a moment when he thought Ethan hadn't heard, but then he leaned forward, his hands closing around the hem of Cal's top and making a half-hearted attempt to pull it over his head. Cal watched him for a moment before taking pity on him and helping him out of the car.

"Arms up, Ethan." When his brother obeyed, Cal took the top off for him and helped him on with the shirt and trousers. Then Cal put his top back on. "Come on. Connie's holding a cubicle for you so we can check you over."

Ethan took small steps, his gaze on the ground, but at least he was walking. Cal knew the simplest things could be an effort when you were sad. He gave Ethan quiet encouragement as they walked towards the ED and gave him a quick hug once they were finally inside.

Connie came to meet the brothers. "Ethan, I'm so glad you're back."

"I'm… sorry," whispered Ethan.

"You don't need to apologise," said Connie, stroking his arm. She walked beside them, matching her steps to Ethan's. Zoe, Rita and Charlie were all waiting in the cublcle.

"Well done for coming back, Ethan," said Charlie, as though he knew how difficult it would have been. Rita gave Ethan a hug and Zoe squeezed his shoulder before leaving the cubicle.

Cal helped Ethan onto the bed and held his hand as the other four examined him. They quickly came to the conclusion that Ethan was physically okay, if still a bit cold. Cal rubbed his back and shoulders to warm him up.

"Okay, I don't want to alarm either of you, but I think it's worth contacting the psych team," said Connie. "Just as a precaution."

Ethan's eyes widened slightly and he shook his head.

"He doesn't need to be admitted," said Cal. "I'll look after him."

"I'm sure you will, but I'd like to make absolutely certain," said Connie firmly.

* * *

To Cal's relief, Ethan was pronounced fit to go home as long as he wasn't alone.

"Okay, I'll sign you both off for a couple of days and take it from there," said Connie. "I don't think either of you are in any condition to work, so there's no point in arguing. I'll be in touch the day after tomorrow, but in the meantime, if there's anything I can do, you know where to find me."

Cal rather wanted to hug her, but he decided it would be better not to. "Thank you so much, Mrs Beauchamp. You've been amazing."

"There's no need to sound so surprised," said Connie drily. "I'll be thinking of you, Ethan. Take care of him, Cal – and yourself too."

"Thanks, Mrs Beauchamp." Cal put his arm around Ethan and they left the cubicle together. Ethan looked exhausted and he leaned heavily on Cal as they walked. Zoe and Rita came over to ask how Ethan was and Cal passed on what Connie had said.

They both hugged Ethan and said they were pleased. Ethan thanked them politely, but there was desolation in his eyes.

"Come on, Ethan," said Cal, when Zoe and Rita had gone. "Let's go home."

Ethan's eyes filled with tears.

"You'll feel better when we're home," said Cal. "We'll put some of your favourite music on; I'll cook your favourite meal; we'll watch one of your favourite films…"

"I just want to see Kate!" sobbed Ethan.

Cal caught him in his arms. "You can go and see Kate if you want to! Come on. Let's go up and see her now."

It was a gamble. He had no way of knowing how Kate would react. She was kind and forgiving and very understanding, but she was human, like everyone else. She probably had limits.

"What if she doesn't want to see me?" sniffled Ethan.

"Then we'll come back another time when she's feeling better," said Cal gently. "But we should probably get you a bit calmer first. Can you stop crying for me?"

Ethan couldn't at first, but after a while, he dried his tears and looked up at Cal. "I really wanted to die, you know."

"I know," said Cal, keeping his voice calm despite the cold terror that still lurked in his heart. They'd stopped Ethan this time, but it could happen again. Perhaps even if Kate took him back. "It's okay to want to die. You've had some devastating, life-changing news. But I really hope I can change your mind and help you to enjoy life again. You still have your career ahead of you, Ethan. And I think you can still find happiness with Kate."

Ethan looked a bit teary again. He gave Cal a hug. Cal hugged him back and hoped things would get better now. He knew it might take a while. He knew there would be ups and downs. But there would be one constant. Cal would always be there.

* * *

Ethan was grateful for Cal's arm around him as they approached Kate's room. He didn't even know why he'd asked Cal to bring him here. She'd asked him to leave and there was no reason to assume she'd changed his mind. She hadn't asked to see him or shown any signs of worrying about him.

He hadn't meant to hurt her, but clearly, he had.

Cal stopped outside the door and turned Ethan to face him. "Ethan, are you sure about this?"

Ethan shook his head, tears filling his eyes.

"How about we save it for another day?" suggested Cal, moving his hands up and down Ethan's arms.

"Okay," whispered Ethan as tears spilled onto his cheeks.

Cal wiped them away. "We can come back tomorrow."

"I love her," said Ethan softly.

"I know you do," said Cal. "And she loves you. Obviously, what you did upset her, but I don't think it would have done unless she loved you. And if she does love you, there's always hope. Okay?"

Ethan nodded, but he couldn't believe Cal was right. It made sense and if anyone knew about women, it was Cal. But it didn't seem possible. Why would Kate want him? He was pretty much useless. He couldn't even do his job at the moment.

He kept thinking he was getting better; that he was finally getting towards coping with his diagnosis. But it didn't last. Every single time, something happened and Ethan was back where he'd started – and where he'd finish. No use to anyone.

"Come on then," said Cal. He put his arm around Ethan and tried to get him to walk, but Ethan's feet refused to move. "Ethan?"

Ethan shook his head.

Cal gave him a hug. "Let's stay here for a bit then. It's okay."

But it wasn't okay. That was the whole point. It never would be okay.

"Ethan?!"

He heard his name but didn't respond to it. It wasn't Kate.

"Hey, Lily," said Cal. "Ethan's okay. He's just had a rough day. We're going now."

"But he's okay?" said Lily. "He's not hurt?"

"He's very mildly hypothermic," said Cal. "He's going to be fine."

Lily spoke again, her voice hesitant. "I am very sorry, but I mentioned to Kate you were missing. I thought she knew."

Ethan's head jerked upwards, then it sank onto Cal's shoulder again.

"She's very worried about you, Ethan," said Lily. "She'll be glad you're safe – and I know she'd like to see you."

Ethan didn't move. He wanted to believe that, but how could it be true? Lily

"How about I go and have a word with her first?" said Cal.

Ethan nodded.

"Okay." Cal patted his shoulder and went to knock on Kate's door. Someone shouted for him to come in, but it wasn't Kate.

Lily spoke forcefully. "Ethan, Kate loves you."

Ethan looked at her and didn't know what to say. He wasn't angry with her for telling Kate. He also didn't mind that Lily knew what had happened. He was grateful for her support. But he was so tired.

Lily reached out her hand. Hesitantly, she stroked Ethan's arm.

Ethan managed to smile.

"I believe everything will be all right," said Lily.

A moment later, the door opened again. Cal was smiling at him. "In you go, Nibbles. It's fine."

Ethan looked at Cal, hardly able to believe it. He felt Lily taking his arm. She walked him over to Cal, then Cal put his arm around Ethan and turned him towards Kate's room.

Kate was sitting up in bed, her arms held out. "Ethan, I'm so glad you're back. I'm sorry I sent you away. I just needed time to think. I was so confused and I couldn't think how to explain what was in my mind."

Ethan took a step forward as he realised he felt a bit like that too.

He felt Cal's hand on his back, urging him to walk faster. Finally. He reached Kate.

She took his hand. "Sit down, Ethan." Kate put her arms around him and hugged him tightly. "I love you, Nibbles."

Ethan started to cry. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

"No, don't be," said Kate. "Ethan, you have so much to be sad about. I know I added to that today and I am sorry. It amazes and humbles me that you can be so happy and positive so much of the time. But of course there will be times when you're not happy and I want to be here for those times too because I love you."

Ethan's arms tightened. "I love you too."

"Then I'm the happiest, luckiest girl in the world," said Kate. She let go of him for a moment, catching his face in her hands. "Because I've got the very best man."

"Not the longest-lived," sniffed Ethan.

"Oh, Ethan, what does that have to do with being amazing?" said Kate. "Nothing." She hugged him again. "But we won't talk about that now. Cal says you're tired and not completely well, so how about we cuddle for a little while, then you can go home and I'll see you again tomorrow?" She paused. "I hope."

"I'll try," said Ethan uncertainly.

He couldn't promise more.


	46. Chapter 46

**Bonnie Sveen Fan** , thank you for your review. I'm glad you liked the way I wrote Connie - I love the way she's so professional (though maybe not so much recently) but very caring underneath it. I hope you'll continue to enjoy reading about Ethan and Kate.

 **Tanith Panic** , how could anyone not love Ethan? He can melt hearts of stone, so I can't see Kate going off him anytime soon. I don't want to put Ethan in the psych ward as I'm already writing that in Every Cloud, but stories sometimes go their own way and there's nothing I can do! I really wanted to show everyone caring about Ethan and being worried - I think it would mean a lot to Cal even if Ethan can't take it in yet. Thank you for your review.

 **InfinityAndOne** , it would take a lot to lift Ethan's spirits, but even if all Kate can do is stop them from sinking even further, that's worth doing. I'm not ruling out a happy ending though - I'm not going to invent a cure for Huntington's, but it would be nice to make Ethan as happy as he can be. Thank you for your review.

 **Is-there-somewhere-x** , thank you for your review. I'm so happy you liked the chapter. It's really nice to hear a chapter is 'lovely' when so much of it is sad - I'm really glad it wasn't a completely negative chapter.

 **X-Sammii-X** , I've thought that too - that Connie is the mum of the ED and Charlie is the grandfather. That's one reason I fell in love with Casualty - because they are like a family. I'm glad you like Kate. She did seem really kind in the episode as she helped them and gave them food, so I took it from there! Thank you for your review.

* * *

"So he's coming?" said Alicia excitedly. "He's definitely coming?"

"We hope so," said Milly, as she put liner around Kate's lips, preventing her from answering. "Cal says he's going to do his best."

Some of Alicia's excitement faded. "I hope he does come, Kate. I really do."

Milly finally sat back and Kate was able to smile at Alicia. "Thanks. I hope so too."

She hadn't seen Ethan for a couple of days. She'd spoken to Cal at last once a day, but Ethan hadn't been up to speaking to her or leaving the house. But last night, he'd finally said he would like to see Kate, and Cal had lost no time in phoning Kate to tell her the good news.

"You do look lovely, you know," said Alicia. "I'm sure you'll cheer him up."

"I hope so," said Kate.

"Of course you will," said Milly. "Do you mind if I do your lipstick now or do you want a break?"

"I'm fine," said Kate, and sat quietly as Milly finished doing her make-up. She wasn't sure quite why she was bothering. She didn't really think that seeing her at her best would make much difference to Ethan, but Milly had wanted to do her make-up for her and Alicia had loved the idea too, so Kate had agreed.

"There!" said Milly in satisfaction. "You look gorgeous. Ethan won't be able to resist you." She smiled and checked her watch. "I really need to go now, but make sure you tell me everything later. And if you need to talk, you can always call. If I haven't got time then, I'll make time later."

Alicia smiled. "I hope I get to be an assistant boss one day. I would love to be able to make time for the important things."

"I'm sure you will be," said Kate. "But only till you get offered the top job, of course!"

Alicia laughed. "Oh, I wish! Pink hair… pink stethoscope… they'll never take me seriously! I've got a long way to go yet."

Milly hugged Kate carefully, mindful of her injuries as well as her make-up. "I'll see you later and good luck with Ethan."

* * *

Ethan was sitting on the sofa where Cal had left him, dressed in the clothes Cal had chosen for him as Ethan had shown no interest in choosing for himself. Cal went quickly across to him, trying not to be unnerved by the blank stare on his brother's face. _Better that than more tears_ , he thought, but he wasn't sure he believed it.

"Ready to go?" Cal asked cheerfully as he smiled into Ethan's eyes, searching desperately for some kind of response.

None came.

Cal took Ethan's hands in his. "Ethan, I know you don't want to go. I get that. It probably seems like too much effort at the moment. But Kate wants to see you and she loves you. Can't you do it for Kate?"

Ethan lifted his head slightly and met Cal's gaze, but he said nothing.

Cal had no idea whether that was a yes or a no. He decided to take it as a yes. "That's good, mate. Why don't you go and put your shoes and coat on?" He patted Ethan's shoulder.

Ethan didn't move.

"Okay. I'll get them for you." It crossed Cal's mind to make a joke about waiting on Ethan hand and foot, but he dismissed the idea at once. One day, he really would be waiting on Ethan hand and foot. There would be no other option. And that meant Cal's joke wouldn't be funny at all.

He found Ethan's shoes standing neatly side by side. Cal smiled at Ethan's tidiness before remembering he'd been the one who'd last removed Ethan's shoes. Ethan had been in no state to do it himself when they'd got home from the hospital and he hadn't left the flat since. Cal would never leave his own shoes that tidily – they were frequently not even in the same room: one of many things which Cal longed to hear Ethan complain about – but he'd lined up the toes and heels of Ethan's shoes without thinking about it.

He carried them over to Ethan and put them on the floor by his feet. "Go on, Nibbles. Shoes on. I'll tie your-" He stopped. He'd tied Ethan's laces for him until he was nearly ten and had enjoyed teasing him about it ever since, but not now. It wasn't funny now.

Ethan's face remained blank. He gave no sign he'd heard Cal or even that he was aware of his presence.

"Ethan," said Cal, taking his hands again. "Ethan, look at me."

Ethan's head slowly swivelled until his eyes met Cal's.

"Ethan, you do want to go and see Kate, don't you?"

At first, Ethan didn't seem to have heard him. Then, with the tiniest movement, he shook his head.

* * *

Kate was trying to put a brave face on it. Judging from the sympathy in Alicia's eyes, she wasn't succeeding.

"They didn't actually say a particular time," said Kate. "Cal just said they'd try to get here as soon as visiting hours started and there are any number of things that might have delayed them."

"Lots of things," agreed Alicia.

"I mean, Cal might even have got the times wrong," said Kate.

"Yes, or Cal might be the reason why they're late," said Alicia. "He's late for everything else. He can't help it. So you wouldn't expect him to be on time now."

"All he said was that he'd _try_ ," said Kate again. "They won't be breaking a promise if they don't come."

Alicia nodded. "Or if they come later."

"There's lots of time," agreed Kate.

Then they both fell silent, avoiding each other's gaze. Kate knew Alicia was thinking the exact same thing as she was.

What if Ethan didn't come?

What would that say about their relationship?

More importantly, what would that say about Ethan's state of mind?

Alicia must have seen something on Kate's face. She reached out and took her hand. "I'm sure he'll come, Kate. I'm sure he will."

"But what if he doesn't?" said Kate.

* * *

Halfway across the car park, Ethan stopped walking.

There was no warning. No reason as far as Cal could see. The car park remained deserted. They hadn't seen anyone apart from each other.

Ethan just stopped walking and stood still, looking down at his feet.

"Come on, Ethan," said Cal softly. "Not far to go now."

Ethan didn't respond.

Cal moved so he was facing Ethan. He took one of Ethan's hands in his and was shocked by how cold it was. He held it tightly and used the other hand to lift Ethan's chin so the hopeless brown eyes met his. "What's wrong, Ethan?"

Ethan didn't reply. His eyes looked big and sad.

"I know you don't really want to go," said Cal. "You don't really want to do anything. But I don't think you really want to sit in the flat and do nothing all day either, do you?"

Ethan's expression became pleading.

"Do you?" asked Cal sadly. "Maybe you do. At least that's less effort. But it is better if you do things, Ethan. If you can't do it for yourself, can you do it for Kate?"

Ethan's eyelids closed as though the words hurt him.

Then he slowly sank to the ground.

* * *

Kate could tell what Alicia was thinking. Her phone was in her lap and Kate didn't miss the way she kept sneaking glances at it to check the time.

Kate didn't blame her. After all, Alicia had to work. There would be patients who needed her.

"Alicia, you'd better go," said Kate. "It's so sweet of you to wait with me, but they might not get here for ages – if at all – and I don't want you to get into any trouble."

"No, I can wait a little bit longer," said Alicia. "Five or ten more minutes."

Kate shook her head. "But you must already be late. You mustn't get into trouble for me. I'll be fine."

Alicia looked at her phone again. "I'll text Louise and ask her to tell Mrs Beauchamp I'm running late."

"Oh, Alicia!" Kate wanted to hug her. "Please don't take a risk like that for me! Ethan's told me how terrifying Mrs Beauchamp is. I'll be fine. I'm sure they'll get here soon. If I need you, I can always text you."

"Well… if you're sure," said Alicia doubtfully.

"Of course I'm sure," said Kate. "I'll be disappointed if Ethan doesn't come, but if he doesn't, he'll be safely at home with Cal."

But what if he wasn't?

A shudder went through Kate.

What if he'd sneaked off again and…

"Kate?" Alicia caught her by the shoulders. "Kate, look at me."

Kate managed to smile at her. "I'm fine. I just thought of something, but it's very unlikely to happen. So I'll just put it out of my mind. Even if it was true, I'm sure Cal would have told me."

Alicia looked at her anxiously for a moment. "I'll stay for another five minutes."

"No, please go!" said Kate. "I really don't want you to get into trouble and we can always catch up later. Go on, Alicia. I'll be fine. I'll get on with reading some of the books Cal brought for me."

"Okay," said Alicia reluctantly. She gave Kate a hug. "I'll see you soon. I hope they come."

 _Not as much as I do_ , thought Kate.

* * *

"Come in!" called Kate in relief when she heard the knock at her door. It was the wrong time for anyone to come and check on her and it was unlikely to be anyone else from the ED because they'd all be working.

She was sure it was Cal and Ethan, finally.

But it was Lily who came into the room.

Kate tried to hide her disappointment. "Hey, Lily. How are you?"

Lily approached the bed awkwardly. "I am well, Kate. Thank you. How are you?"

"I'm fine, thanks." Kate looked at Lily in growing concern. "Lily, are you okay?"

"I'm… okay," said Lily uncertainly. "But I heard something about Ethan. I believe you ought to know."


	47. Chapter 47

**Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. I'm glad the last chapter felt real and not too slow - I wanted to show how difficult everything is for Ethan, though I don't want to keep it going on for too long as Ethan's depression is only a small part of the story. Alicia is nicer here and she'll leave Ethan alone - there's no time for love triangles!

 **CBloom2** , Ethan is in a very bad place and he'll have trouble pulling himself out of it, but he does have a brother and a girlfriend who love him, as well as a lot of colleagues who care. So he does have a lot of people who really want him to get better. Thank you for your review.

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan** , thank you for your review. Lily won't be telling Kate anything we don't already know (though you've probably all forgotten as I haven't updated this for so long), but it could still be a shock for Kate. I'm glad I brought Alicia back in this story - she used to be lovely and she's very helpful at moving the story along.

 **Becs2202** , thank you for your review. Ethan really is going through a horrible time. I feel cruel in some ways, but maybe it's an important part of the process of acceptance.

 **X-Sammii-X** , it will be very hard when Cal starts caring for Ethan permanently. You wouldn't expect it to happen for 10 years or so, but Richard and George - and Casualty! - won't necessarily be around for 10 years. Kate is really lucky to have so many supportive friends. Everyone just seems to love her. I'm jealous! Thank you for your review.

* * *

Kate looked fearfully at Lily. "What about Ethan? What's wrong with him?"

Lily sat down. There was indecision on her face – and that wasn't like Lily. "He's here. I think he came to see you. But…"

"Lily, please just tell me!" burst out Kate, and felt awful when Lily flinched away from her. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to shout and I really appreciate that you came to tell me. I know it isn't easy for you to say the words and you probably haven't figured out the best way of telling me, but I really think the best way is just to tell me. Then at least I won't be wondering and fearing and believing the worst."

This seemed to get through to Lily. She nodded, then lifted her eyes to meet Kate's. "I don't think he was feeling good today. Cal managed to persuade him to come to the hospital, but then he sat down in the middle of the car park and stopped responding to what Cal was saying."

Kate put her hand over her mouth and tried not to cry. It wasn't anything new, after all. She knew Ethan had episodes where he switched off from the world around him. Cal had assured her it was a symptom of mental illness, not of Huntington's. Although the depression could itself be a symptom of Huntington's, Cal believed it was far more likely to be an emotional reaction to the diagnosis.

"I am sorry, Kate." Lily looked upset. "I did not mean to hurt you. I am sorry. I will go and find Alicia. She's better at this sort of thing than me."

"No, please don't go, Lily!" Kate caught her hand. "You're just as good as this sort of thing as Alicia. You really are. Of course you can go if you really want to, but I would much rather you stayed and told me where Ethan is now."

Lily looked at her for a moment as though she wasn't sure whether to believe her, then she nodded and composed herself. "Cal carried him into the ED. They've asked for a psychiatrist to assess him again."

"So he might need to be admitted," said Kate in a trembling voice.

"Not necessarily," said Lily. "It could be that it's necessary to increase or change his medication. But if he is admitted, the psych ward is not a prison. I'll take you in a wheelchair to see him. Every day if they allow it. I promise."

She held out her hand rather hesitantly. She still wasn't used to offering comfort. Kate took it in her own. "Thank you, Lily. I'm so grateful to you for telling me. I really am. Would you mind if I gave you a hug?"

Lily looked startled, but then a smile came to her face. "Of course I wouldn't mind."

* * *

Cal was almost relieved when Ethan started crying. It was so much more natural than the frozen silence and it showed Ethan was back in reality. He put his arms around his brother and held him tightly. "I'm here, Ethan. I'm here."

Ethan clung to him and sobbed. Cal tried to be glad Ethan wasn't wailing or screaming and that his sobs were quite quiet – not hysterical at all.

But it was impossible to be glad about anything when his brother was so sad.

Cal stroked his hair and didn't let go until he felt Ethan trying to move away from him. "Okay, Ethan?" he found himself saying softly, only to curse himself as he realised it was perfectly obvious to everyone with half a brain Ethan was a long way from being okay.

Ethan sniffled and then frowned. "Cal… um…"

"Yes? I'm listening, Ethan. Take your time," said Cal.

"Um… tissue?" said Ethan. He paused for a second. "Please?"

"Of course," said Cal, shocked by how proud he felt that Ethan was trying so hard to speak when, as much as half an hour ago, the smallest word had been impossible. He stood up and reached into his pocket for the tissues he'd brought just in case Ethan needed them.

"Thanks," whispered Ethan. He wiped his eyes and nose. "Cal… why…" He stopped, a look of frustration coming to his face.

Cal put his arm around him. "It's okay, Ethan. Just take your time."

"Why… hard… talking?" Ethan managed at last.

It broke Cal's heart slightly as he thought of a time when Ethan would always find it hard to talk. "It's because you're depressed, Ethan. It's difficult finding the words sometimes. I've been depressed. I know what it's like."

Ethan nodded. He put his hand on Cal's and squeezed it tightly.

"When the psychiatrist comes, just do your best, okay?" said Cal. "I'll help you out as much as I can. I'll explain you're having trouble with speaking at the moment. They work with depressed people all the time, so they'll understand and they'll give you all the time you need. Just try not to put any pressure on yourself, okay?"

Ethan nodded and put his arms around Cal again. "I… love you."

Cal smiled. "I love you too, Ethan."

* * *

Lily kept one hand in Kate's as she made the phone call. "Hi, Alicia. I was wondering if you could do something for me. Ethan has been brought in and Kate is concerned. I don't suppose you know how he is?" She paused, listening, before saying quietly: "I was the one who told him."

"You did the right thing," whispered Kate, certain Alicia wouldn't blame Lily, but she knew the two didn't get on particularly well.

"Kate asked me to," said Lily, a bit defensively.

"Can I?" Kate held her hand out for the phone and Lily gave it to her at once. "Hey, Alicia. It's Kate. I did ask Lily to tell me about Ethan and I'm so grateful she did. It's really worrying, of course, but I love Ethan and I need to know things like this because he's the most important person in the world to me."

"Of course you do. I understand," said Alicia at once. "I didn't mean to upset Lily. We just… we don't get on that well. We both made things really difficult for each other – she was really struggling and I kept pushing to be friends and sticking my nose into her private business and not respecting her boundaries and she was trying harder and harder to put some distance between us, which isn't wrong at all between a mentor and a mentee, and eventually, it got too much for both of us."

"It is very difficult when that happens," said Kate. "And… I'm not going to say there's usually fault on both sides, but there are usually reasons on both sides."

"I think there are probably reasons and faults," said Alicia. "But it's over now and I think we're heading in the right direction. I really hope we can be friends one day. I've just got to try to go more at Lily's pace and not throw myself at her."

"I'm sure you can be friends," said Kate, with a smile for Lily, who was looking very anxious. "You're both such lovely people. It's difficult when you're so different, but you do have a lot in common too. Just give it time. Maybe when I'm finally out of here, we could all go out together somewhere? Not just us: Milly and Louise too. If we're a larger group, there won't be so much pressure on you to talk to each other and you can get to know each other gradually."

"Oh, that's such a good idea!" said Alicia.

Kate was delighted to see the gratitude in Alicia's voice was matched by that on Lily's face. "We'll do it as soon as I get out."

"It sounds great," said Alicia, sounding rather emotional. "But it was Ethan you wanted to talk about, not me and Lily. I'm afraid I don't know anything – I didn't even know he was here – but I'll go and see what I can find out right now and call you back when I know something. Okay?"

"Okay," said Kate. "Thank you, Alicia. I do appreciate it."

"No. Thank _you_ for understanding about me and Lily," said Alicia. She hesitated. "I don't suppose… could you put her back on, please? If she's okay with that."

"I'll see," said Kate, and turned to Lily. "Alicia would really like to talk to you if that's okay." She dropped her voice to a whisper. "She loves me idea about us all going out together."

Lily looked scared, but she nodded and took the phone from Kate. "Hi, Alicia… no. You did nothing wrong. Nothing at all. And I… I like Kate's idea too. I hope it can happen soon… I am sorry too. Thank you. Goodbye." She lowered the phone and looked at Kate with tears in her eyes. "Thank you."

"It really was my pleasure," said Kate. "I'm not saying it will be easy, but if I helped at all, I'm really glad." She smiled. "Can I give you another hug?"

Lily didn't hesitate.

* * *

"Okay, Ethan. I am a bit concerned, but you've got your brother to look after you, so I don't think there's any need to admit you," said the psychiatrist. "To be honest, I actually think it could be counter-productive – I don't think that restricting your daily activities is what you need at all and there will always be some restriction on a ward. You haven't been on the anti-depressants for long, so it's possible they haven't started to take effect yet, but you're on a very low dose, so I am going to increase it if that's okay with you."

Ethan looked at him and nodded. He hadn't managed to take in everything the doctor had said, but if he wasn't being admitted, he would agree to everything. He didn't want to be on a ward. It would be too much like being in a home. He knew that was where he was likely to end up – and in a way, where he wanted to end up as then he wouldn't be a burden on Cal or Kate – but the idea terrified him. Strangers doing everything for him and deciding what he needed, even though they didn't know him. He would so much rather be with people who loved him, but he loved them too and he couldn't do that to them.

"So I'll write you a new prescription and you can take Ethan home if you want to, Cal." To begin with, the psychiatrist had called Cal 'Dr Knight', but Cal had got very angry, saying he could either call them both by their first names or both 'doctor'. Ethan was Cal's equal and Cal wanted him to be treated as such.

Ethan had felt… well, not happy, but he hadn't felt quite so sad when Cal had said that.

Cal bent down and turned Ethan's face towards him. "Did you hear that, Ethan? We're going home!"

Ethan thought Cal was patronising him at first and he let it go because he thought he deserved it, but then he realised the smile on Cal's face was genuine. He really was happy Ethan was going home.

"Home," said Ethan. "Good."

"Very good," agreed Cal.


	48. Chapter 48

**Bonnie Sveen Fan** , I'm glad you liked Kate and Lily's hug - I quite often want to hug Lily, even though I'm sure she wouldn't want me to! The boys need to tell each other they love each other more often. I think Cal's said it once and Ethan hasn't said it at all! Thank you for your review.

 **CBloom2** , I had to put the 'I love you's in! We've been a bit starved of brotherly affection in the episodes, but Cal is definitely trying to make up for it in this story! It's just a shame Ethan probably can't see that Cal really wants to look after him, now and in the future. Thank you for your review.

 **X-Sammii-X** , I agree that Lily needs more friends. Things improved a bit after she persuaded Ethan not to leave the ED, but she's been left on her own again and I'm sure Alicia's presence only encourages her to withdraw further. If I had to be friends with any woman in the ED, I'd choose Lily. She has her own way of communicating, but I think she's really lovely. I couldn't let Cal abandon Ethan now! I'm sure he'll continue to do his best for Ethan. Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. I hadn't really thought of the last chapter as a positive chapter, but I see what you mean - I'm glad this story isn't all doom and gloom! I'm glad you like the way Cal supports and protects Ethan. A lot of RL doctors seem to use first names for patients and titles for relatives and I don't like it.

 **20BlueRoses** , thank you for your review. I'm not letting Cal and Ethan get away with not saying they love each other! We all know the truth, but they still need to hear it. I didn't want Ethan to be admitted as that's just happened in another of my stories, but it can help a bit when a doctor thinks about the patient's individual situation rather than giving out standard advice.

 **InfinityAndOne** , thank you for your review - it's really lovely to know you've read the story more than once! I hope there aren't too many plot holes. One thing I loved about the ED is the way they always used to be there for each other and they genuinely cared and I think it does make a difference. I think little Matilda helped Cal so much - he couldn't look after the other Matilda, but after caring for little Matilda, he was brilliant with Emilie and now he's doing everything he can for Ethan.

* * *

The world looked blurred as Cal and Ethan left the hospital together. Ethan tried to work out why and realised he didn't have his glasses on. He thought of asking Cal where they were, but that was too much trouble so he just continued walking. He didn't care if he couldn't see. There was nothing he wanted to see..

Nothing but Kate.

Cal's arm was around Ethan's shoulders. Ethan would normally have objected to that, but he was grateful for it now. Perhaps more grateful than he'd ever been, though it wasn't the kind of gratitude that brought him any pleasure. He needed Cal. He needed him so much and the thought of him not being there terrified him more than he could say.

Not that he could say very much on any subject at the moment.

He wished he could. He wished he could put it into words how terrifying it was, not being able to say what was in his mind. His fears that he would never speak properly again – and the knowledge that even if his current problems proved to be temporarily, one day every word really would be a struggle.

There was something he wanted to say now. The words weren't in his mind, but the image was. A beautiful girl with dark hair. The most beautiful girl he'd ever known.

He had to say something to Cal before they left the hospital. She was the reason they were here. "K…"

"Yes, I'm here," said Cal.

Ethan shook his head in frustration. He didn't mean Cal. "Kate!" he managed at last. "Want to see… Kate."

Cal did stop walking, but there was doubt on his face. "Are you sure that's a good idea?"

Ethan nodded fervently. He loved Kate. He wanted to see her.

"Are you sure you feel up to talking to her?"

Ethan sighed. He and Kate wouldn't need to talk. There were other ways of communicating with the girl you loved.

"And are you sure it won't upset her, seeing you like this?" said Cal.

Ethan's whole body seemed to sag. Cal was right. He knew he wasn't himself and the last thing he wanted was to upset Kate.

"How about we go home now, you can have a nice, long rest, and we'll come back tomorrow?" suggested Cal with far more cheerfulness in his voice than the situation warranted.

Ethan shook his head desperately. That wasn't what he wanted at all. But Cal was right.

He stopped shaking his head and nodded instead.

"Let's go then," said Cal, gently urging him towards the exit, but then a voice called Ethan's name and they both stopped.

Someone seemed to be running towards them. A blue blur, but most people were blue blurs at the moment. "I'm so glad I caught you both!"

A woman. Not from Holby. Northern. Not Robyn.

Alicia? Probably.

Ethan frowned slightly, wondering what Alicia would want with them. He didn't want to talk to her. He didn't want to see anyone except Cal and Kate.

"Have you been up to see Kate?" asked Alicia.

Ethan shook his head without looking at her.

"No, we haven't," said Cal. "We were going to, but Ethan's not really up to it."

"It's just I know she was really looking forward to it," said Alicia. "And Lily told her you were here and what happened."

Cal gave an exclamation of annoyance. "What did you let Lily go and do that for?"

There was a pause before Alicia replied. She sounded a bit upset. "I… I wasn't there. I think the conversation just went naturally in that direction and then Kate guessed something was wrong. I'm sure it wasn't Lily's fault. Please don't be angry with Lily."

Ethan frowned, wondering why it seemed wrong for Alicia to be supporting Lily.

Then he wondered why he didn't know why it was wrong.

 _I can't talk. My memory's going. Cal might say it's depression, but it's not. I know it's not._

"Lily shouldn't have made it so obvious there was something wrong," snapped Cal.

"She didn't," said Alicia. "I just guessed. I'm sorry, Cal. I've got to get back to work. But please don't blame Lily. Kate was really glad she told her. Oh, Ethan, don't cry."

Ethan thought about turning away to hide his tears, but he couldn't persuade his body to move.

"I need to get him home," said Cal agitatedly.

"No! Kate!" said Ethan.

"Ethan, I don't think-"

"Kate!" Ethan started sobbing helplessly. He knew Cal wouldn't take him to Kate. How could he when he couldn't even explain what he wanted?

Alicia's voice had gone all quivery. "I think Kate would want to see him. And he might feel better if he sees her."

"Okay," said Cal after a pause. "I'll take him up. You should go and have a break. I'm sorry I snapped at you. It's been difficult."

"I know it has," said Alicia tremulously. "Don't worry. I'm fine. Just concentrate on Ethan."

"I will, but…" Cal stopped and raised his voice "Lily? Could you come over here for a minute, please?"

Ethan leaned his head against Cal and silently begged him to keep calm, but he knew Cal would be angry with Lily and there would be shouting and Ethan didn't think he could bear it.

Lily came over at once. "Yes, Cal? What is the problem?" Her brisk, professional voice softened as she added: "Ethan, what is wrong?"

Ethan couldn't speak, but he did manage to make eye contact.

Lily spoke awkwardly. "Alicia? Are you all right?"

"I'm fine." Alicia sounded anything but. "I just… it's hard seeing Ethan like this and how upset Cal is and I know Kate's still in pain and upset about everything and I really want to help them, but there's nothing I can do and I feel so…" Alicia's words were lost in sobs. "The first time I met Kate, I was ill and she looked after me. But there's nothing I can do for…" Alicia stopped. "I'm sorry. I'll get back to work now."

"Lily, could you get Alicia a cup of tea and make sure she has a break, please?" said Cal.

There was a silence. Ethan could picture the shocked look on Lily's face that probably implied anger at the request, but although Ethan couldn't see her expression, he could sense that she wasn't angry at all. She was afraid. Afraid of the close contact with Alicia and the fact she might say something wrong.

Ethan wanted to say something. He wanted to reassure Lily that she would be fine; that she was a nice person.

He couldn't.

"You don't have to," whispered Alicia.

"Alicia, I-I would be pleased to help you if you would let me," said Lily. "I mean that. Come with me and I'll make you a cup of tea."

Alicia sniffled. "Thank you, Lily. A cup of tea sounds really god."

"Then please come with me," said Lily, her voice slightly clipped but certainly gentler than usual. Ethan watched the black-and-white and blue blurs moved further away. He squinted hard. He wasn't sure, but it looked like Lily might have put her arm around Alicia. Ethan hoped so. Everything was a bit less awful when Cal was hugging him.

Cal turned Ethan back to face him. "Shall we go and see Kate then?"

Ethan nodded. He realised he'd almost stopped crying now. He still felt horrible and he still wanted to die, but Alicia had distracted him a little bit and given him something to think about too.

He knew he was upset. He knew Cal was upset. He knew Kate was upset, but he hadn't really expected anyone else to be upset. He and Alicia weren't even really friends. But she had cried because Ethan was sad.

He wondered if anyone else had cried for him too. He felt guilty, but he didn't know what he could do. He couldn't make the Huntington's go away.

If only he could. That was all he wanted. For it to go away. For Cal and Kate not to suffer.

Cal offered Ethan a tissue. "Here, Nibbles."

Ethan tried to take it and realised he was holding his glasses. "That's where they've gone," he said blankly. "I didn't know."

Such a comment would ordinarily have made Cal laugh. He did smile, but there was sadness in his eyes as he rubbed Ethan's shoulder. "Come on. I'll swap you." He took Ethan's glasses and handed Ethan the tissue.

Ethan blew his nose and wiped his eyes.

"That's better," said Cal, and handed Ethan his glasses.

Ethan put them on and, without thinking, tried to give Cal the tissue back.

Cal moved away, He did laugh this time. "Urgh, you can keep _that_! Put it in your pocket, Nibbles. That's right. Are you ready to see Kate, then?"

Ethan nodded, wondering why Cal laughing at him actually lifted his spirits. Only for a moment, but it was a moment of respite from the pain.

He started walking, trying to hold on to the feeling, but it was already slipping away. The mist of depression descended.

Would Cal ever laugh at him again?

* * *

When the knock came at the door, Kate tried not to hope. It was more likely to be Lily, Alicia or Louise checking on her and she was determined not to be disappointed if it was. She loved Ethan more than anyone else, but she was still grateful for every one of her friends and would always be glad to see them.

It could have been very different. Leaving her home and coming to a new city, miles away. If she hadn't met Alicia that day in the café, she wouldn't have met Louise on their night out. They might still have become friends, but it would likely have been a much slower process. Kate was happy she'd made friends with them all so quickly, though she did wish it hadn't come at the expense of a broken leg for Louise, though she was okay now and not even limping.

Cal stuck his head around the door. "Hey, Kate. I've got Ethan with me. Okay if we come in?"

"Of course it is!" said Kate.

They came into the room together, Cal's arm around Ethan. Ethan was walking slowly and his face looked blotchy from crying, but he was still walking towards her.

"Sit on the bed, Ethan," said Cal, helping him to sit down.

Kate took Ethan's hands in hers. She felt shocked and upset at the change in him, but she knew she mustn't show it. He was still her Ethan. "Hey, sweetheart. It's so good to see you." She leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek. "I'm glad you're here."

Ethan stared at her. He didn't speak, but he didn't take his eyes off her.

Kate wanted to cry. She held out her arms. "Would you like a cuddle, Ethan?"

Ethan nodded and shuffled into her embrace.

"It's okay. I'm here," said Kate, holding him tightly.

Cal sat down too, hugging both of them. "Ethan's still feeling a bit down. His medication has been increased, so I hope that will help."

Kate nodded gratefully and kissed Ethan's hair. "I love you, Ethan. I hope you'll feel better soon because I don't like seeing you sad. But no matter how you're feeling, I'll always be here and I always love you."

"Kate," whispered Ethan.

It was the only thing he said, but it meant everything.


	49. Chapter 49

**Bonnie Sveen Fan** , Kate already knows Ethan has Huntington's, but I probably wrote that chapter nearly a year ago! I can't believe it's been so long since Ethan found out. It seems odd to describe Ethan as lucky but I think he'd feel even worse if he didn't have Cal and Kate. Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , I'm glad the chapter wasn't completely sad! It's a sad situation, but Ethan has two people who love him. Ethan might only be forgetting things because he's depressed, but Cal and Kate - and all of us! - are very aware that even if Ethan recovers this time, he might not next time. Thank you for your review.

 **X-Sammii-X** , thank you for your review. I'm glad you found some cuteness in the chapter! I know you like a bit of cuteness. I think Cal was ready to step up when Ethan was first diagnosed, but Ethan pushed him away in the episodes. Luckily he doesn't in this story! I'm glad you like Ethan and Kate together.

 **InfinityAndOne** , thank you for your review. I'm really glad you liked the section from Ethan's point of view - they can be hard to write as often Ethan's thoughts will be too fragmented to make much sense written down. I'm also really glad you can tell Kate is very upset, even though she tries to stay positive for Ethan.

 **Is-there-somewhere-x** , Lily doesn't usually get on that well with Ethan's love interests, but Kate does seem to be the exception, which is lucky as Kate has enough going on! I like the idea of Lily making friends. She is actually a very loyal and committed friend when you get to know her. Thank you for your review.

 _Thank you to **Inanity 1** for the follow._

* * *

Kate sat in a wheelchair on the hospital roof, revelling in the feel of the fresh air and the sun on her face. It wasn't particularly warm, but it was so good to be outside again. "I wish Nibbles was here. He would make this even more perfect."

"Maybe we could call him," said Milly, but Lily shook her head.

"Ethan does not like heights. He would not be happy up here."

Kate couldn't believe she'd forgotten. "Maybe he could stay in the middle, away from the edge?"

Alicia smiled. "You could always ask him."

Louise shook her head. "Would that be a good idea after what he did? He might… you know."

"Do you really think he might?" said Kate in sudden fear. Cal had told her Ethan had wanted to kill himself. Ethan hadn't wanted Cal to tell her, but Cal felt she needed to know everything and Kate was glad he'd told her, much as it hurt her to think of Ethan feeling that hopeless.

"Oh, I'm sure he wouldn't!" said Milly. "He's doing better now, isn't he?"

"Yes…" said Kate cautiously. Ethan was doing better in the sense that he hadn't made any more attempts to end his life, but anyone could see he wasn't happy.

Alicia nodded. "And you're back together now, so that's going to make him even happier."

"I hope we are, but we haven't really discussed the future," admitted Kate. "But that's okay. I just love being with him." _Even when he's breaking my heart with his tears, at least I have the relief of knowing he's not hiding them from me._ "I hope he can let me know where I stand soon, but maybe he's still working it out."

"Or maybe he's being a typical man and he's assuming you'll read his mind," said Louise.

Lily shook her head. "Ethan isn't like that."

Kate smiled. "So I'll give him time, enjoy his company for now and hope eventually, he'll tell me." Her voice wobbled slightly at the end.

She was sure Ethan cared about her. She didn't want to be conceited, but Ethan wouldn't say he loved someone unless he meant it.

But he was also the type to let his desire to do the right thing overcome what he really wanted.

She quickly changed the subject, asking her friends if they'd heard any gossip. This, her first lengthy foray back into the outside world, was something she wanted them all to enjoy. Alicia had brought tea and scones and done Kate's hair for her. Lily, always practical, had brought umbrellas in case it rained, including one that could be fixed to the arm of Kate's wheelchair. Milly had brought one of Kate's favourite dresses and made a delicious chocolate dessert. Louise had brought flowers, and a message from Robyn saying she'd come up and say hi during her break.

"Kate, you know Jack on reception, don't you?" said Alicia. "He's left. I'm really sad about that. He was lovely."

"Really? That's so sad," said Kate. "He was always so cheerful and he had a great sense of humour."

"But he made sure Jez had his number when we went for drinks the other night," said Alicia. "So watch this space!"

"Not everyone can cope with the life of a receptionist," said Louise. "There's so much more to it than sitting at a desk and answering phones. Not everyone can handle it."

"Is that why you went into nursing?" asked Alicia sympathetically.

Louise glared at her. "Of course it wasn't! I went into nursing because I was meant to be a nurse. But I was a good receptionist too."

"You were impressively efficient," said Lily.

Louise gave Alicia a triumphant look. "You see?"

"Oh, I didn't mean-" began Alicia.

Louise glanced at her a bit guiltily. "I didn't mean anything either. But forget about me for a second. You'll never guess who Robyn said might be off next. _Zoe!_ "

"Zoe?" said Alicia, shocked. "Zoe can't leave! She's been here forever!"

"Robyn thinks that's part of the problem," said Louise. "Most people do move on quite quickly. Only Zoe, Charlie, Noel and Big Mac were around when I joined. Dylan was here too, but he left for a bit because he couldn't stand working with his ex-wife and her new bloke."

"Poor Dylan," said Alicia sympathetically. "I'm sure I'd struggle too, if I could find someone who actually wanted to go out with me! Maybe Zoe finds it difficult working in the same place as Max."

Louise shook her head. "I don't think so. Robyn says Max and Zoe are back on."

Alicia gasped. "Then she can't be going! She wouldn't want to leave him and he wouldn't want to let her go. I can just imagine Max racing to the airport to stop her. That would be so romantic!"

"Or maybe they'll fly off into the sunset together," said Milly.

This thought gave Alicia stars in her eyes. Kate wanted to hug her. Alicia was so lovely.

It was Lily who awkwardly addressed Milly, asking if she minded hearing about people she probably didn't know.

"Oh, no: that's fine," said Milly. "I have met most of them and I love a bit of gossip. But thanks for thinking of me, Lily."

Lily looked a bit surprised her interjection was so well-received, then she smiled.

"And in happier news," said Alicia, "we've got a new nurse just started and I think he'd be perfect for Robyn."

Louise looked askance. "No offence, Alicia, but David can barely speak. Robyn can barely stop speaking."

"Opposites attract!" said Alicia. "And David will give Robyn all the time and space she needs for talking. And they're both so kind. I think it could really work."

Louise seemed to be thinking about it. "Maybe. And Cal's got his eye on someone too."

Kate smiled. "I'd be more shocked if he hadn't!"

Lily was frowning. "Cal has his eye on someone when Ethan is so ill?"

"Well, he told Milly she looked nice," said Louise.

Milly blushed. "He was just being friendly."

"This is _Caleb Knight_ ," said Louise. "No way was he just being friendly."

"Why is Cal at work?" said Lily. "He should be with Ethan."

"He came to pick up Ethan's anti-depressants," explained Kate.

A wave of sadness went round the little group.

Louise tried to chase it away. "Well, _Lily_ had a good day with Mrs Beauchamp's ex, didn't you?"

Lily lowered her head, clearly embarrassed.

Kate tried to imagine Lily and Jacob as a couple. She couldn't. Lily was so shy and Jacob so completely the opposite. "I'm happy for you, Lily. Jacob is… really sweet."

Alicia started to giggle and quickly stopped herself. "Sorry. I just got this mental image of Lily and Jacob together. But Louise didn't mean Jacob. Have you met Mrs Beauchamp's daughter, Grace? Her dad used to be a surgeon here."

"He's been helping out since Cal and Ethan have been off," explained Louise. She smiled. "Lily _really_ enjoyed working with him."

Lily spoke with dignity. "Mr Strachan is an excellent surgeon. Of course I enjoyed working with him. In any case, he has a girlfriend."

"Oh, you asked him, did you?" said Louise.

Lily looked very uncomfortable. "I didn't intend to find out. It was of no relevance to me, but Grace decided to give me a… a heads-up."

"Or a 'hands off'!" said Louise. She touched Lily's arm. "I didn't mean anything, Lily. If you like him, then you've got my support."

"I don't _like_ him!" snapped Lily. "It is possible to like and respect a man without finding him attractive."

Milly smiled at Lily. "It must have been a great experience for you to work with someone like him, Lily. I don't know much about it, but I'd guess you don't get to work with many surgeons."

"Mrs Beauchamp used to be a surgeon, but other than that, opportunities are rare, yes," said Lily.

Kate smiled at her. "I'm sure you can always learn a lot from working with someone new."

"You really can," said Alicia. "Everyone has their own ways of doing things. Even something very small can improve your technique – and it's good to be versatile because all patients are different."

Lily nodded. "I want to be the best doctor I can be. The broader my experience, the better I'll be."

"Sam Strachan's quite broad," said Louise.

Lily glared at her. "I did not mean-"

"So, what about you, Louise?" said Alicia quickly. "Any new men on the horizon?""

Louise sighed. "This hospital is full of men who are worth a second look. Unfortunately, looking is as far as I'd ever want it to go."

* * *

Ethan sat on the living room sofa, his knees drawn up to his chest. Beside him on the floor were various books, magazines and DVDs Cal had brought him, but he hadn't so much as glanced at any of them.

He wouldn't be able to concentrate anyway.

Cal walked into the room with some tea Ethan hadn't really wanted, but he hadn't said no so Cal had made it anyway. Cal put the tea on the floor and sat beside Ethan. Ethan thought about putting his feet on the floor so he could sit next to Cal properly, but that seemed like too much too.

"How are you feeling?" said Cal.

Ethan shrugged.

"I know," said Cal. "Stupid question."

Ethan shrugged again. "At least you cared enough to ask," he whispered.

"Of course I care," said Cal. "Everyone cares. You know when I went to pick up your prescription? Everyone was asking after you."

Ethan said nothing. Cal had told him this already. It had meant nothing then and meant nothing now. It was a sign that they cared about Cal, not that they cared about Ethan.

"Alicia was crying about how depressed you are," said Cal gently. "Lily's been calling every day to see how you are – and she never calls anyone. Even Mrs Beauchamp's been calling every other day – she never does that when I'm ill. Not unless she thinks I'm faking it and she wants to tell me to come to work right now."

Ethan felt the faint stirrings of amusement, but it was only for a second and not enough for him to smile.

"I know it's hard for you to believe it," said Cal. "But even if you can't believe it yourself, can you at least see that I believe it? I believe everyone cares about you. I believe they're all very worried and they want you to get better." He pulled Ethan into a hug. "And I care about you too, Nibbles. You're my baby brother and you always will be. Even when you get better and you start telling me off every time I breathe too loudly, you'll still be my baby brother. And I love you."


	50. Chapter 50

**Bonnie Sveen Fan** , thank you for your review. I love a bit of brotherly love, especially when it's between Cal and Ethan! I thought it was about time Kate got out of the hospital for a while. I don't think she'd like being stuck in bed at all, though she probably wouldn't complain.

 **Tanith Panic** , I never feel bullied when someone wants another update - it's a compliment that you want to read more! I'm glad you liked the idea of the umbrella attached to the wheelchair - I thought Lily would think of something practical like that. I thought Sam Strachan was probably Lily's type! Robyn and David would be a lovely couple. Thank you for your review.

 **20BlueRoses** , thank you for your review. I'm glad you found it interesting listening to the girls gossip - it was kind of a filler, but it shows how the friendships and the Casualty storylines are progressing. It won't be easy for Ethan at all, but Cal is doing everything he can to take care of him - which is what we all like to see!

 **X-Sammii-X** , I thought of you when I decided Sam Strachan would be Lily's new doctor love interest! I'm really happy you like Ethan and Kate as a couple. Don't worry about not reviewing. You've had so much going on recently and I know you've been doing a lot of updates on wattpad, which I need to review! Thank you for your review.

 **InfinityAndOne** , I'm glad you liked the gossip scene too - I hadn't really thought of it, but it does contract with how Ethan's feeling and makes the chapter a bit less sad. It's very hard for Cal, but for once in his life, he doesn't seem to be running away from the situation. I'm sure Ethan appreciates that. Thank you for your review.

* * *

Cal walked into the living room and stopped, an aching sadness filling him as he saw the state of Ethan. Five minutes ago, Ethan had been looking so much better. He'd dressed and showered without being prompted and although he'd eaten his breakfast very slowly, he'd finished it without needing encouragement from Cal.

But now, he'd sunk back into his own thoughts. There was a glazed look in his eyes that wasn't entirely caused by the tears that were raining down his cheeks. Ethan made no attempt to wipe them away: he made no movement at all apart from the slight involuntary jerking of his shoulders with each silent sob.

Cal felt tears rising in his own eyes. He knew there would be ups and downs. He knew Ethan would sometimes switch from being almost happy back to devastated in a moment. But it still hurt Cal so much when it happened. Even though he knew it could, it didn't stop Cal's hopes from rising that maybe this time, Ethan was finally getting better.

But he hadn't got better yet and although it hadn't really been that long since he'd found Ethan in Conleth Bay, Cal couldn't help fearing that perhaps he wouldn't get better. Depression had been Emilie's first symptom, after all, and she'd been Ethan's age when it had happened.

Cal reminded himself that while Huntington's ran in families, age at onset of symptoms did not, but that didn't mean Ethan wasn't getting symptoms now.

Cal sat beside Ethan and took Ethan's hands in his, warming them and then stroking them with his thumbs. He tried to catch Ethan's eye, but it was as though Ethan didn't know he was there. He let go of Ethan's hands and took Ethan's glasses off before putting his arms around him, pulling him close so Ethan's tears soaked into Cal's shirt. Ethan made no attempt to hug him back, but Cal had already told himself not to expect it. Ethan couldn't hug Cal if he didn't know he was there.

But what if he did know? Cal couldn't help thinking. What if movement was trapped inside him, held prisoner by the violence of his emotions?

The thought made Cal shiver. Although he knew it could happen when you were depressed, it was too much like suffering from Huntington's and he hated the thought that Ethan might be getting a taste of his future already.

But then, quite suddenly, he felt Ethan relax in his arms. The next few sobs were audible, but half-choked as though he was trying to stop them from coming. He then lifted his face from Cal's chest and brushed the tears from his cheeks. His eyes were bleak and sad but focused now.

"I'm sorry," said Ethan with a sincerity that tore at Cal's heart.

"Ethan, you've done nothing to be sorry for," said Cal. "You're depressed. Of course you're going to feel sad sometimes. Would you like me to call Kate and tell her you can't go to the hospital today?"

He saw warring emotions in Ethan's eyes. He was tempted, certainly. When you were depressed, anything that involved staying at home and doing nothing was always tempting.

"No," said Ethan in a soft voice. "I'll go."

The relief that filled Cal was so absolute, he was again close to tears. He hugged Ethan tightly until he felt able to speak. This time, Ethan hugged him back. "I'm glad, Ethan. I'm really glad. Let me get our stuff together and then we can go."

* * *

Kate hoped Ethan would come today. She was always sad when he didn't come, partly because that meant he wasn't doing so well, but also because when he wasn't there, she missed him. Although Ethan's depression had made him quieter and sadder, it hadn't changed him in the ways that mattered most. He was still Ethan; still the man she loved and she could always see signs of that. Even when he sat and cried and couldn't speak, he was still her Ethan and even though she was sad for him, there was still some happiness in her heart because Ethan was part of her life; that she'd met a truly wonderful man whom she loved, and who loved her in return. Even when he couldn't show it, her belief in his love didn't waver.

But in a way, he did show it. The fact he'd come to see her, even though it was difficult for him to get out of bed. The fact that he never seemed uncomfortable in her presence. The fact that he trusted her to hold him and comfort him; that he wasn't afraid, embarrassed or guilty about sharing his feelings with her.

That meant so much to Kate and every time she saw him, she found a reason to love Ethan a little bit more – not that she needed another reason. There was so much about him to love and it would probably take her several lifetimes to find them all.

She heard a text arrive and reached slowly for her phone. She knew she was close to being discharged and although she was a bit unsteady and nervous walking and had been genuinely scared the first time she'd been outside and felt the fresh air that had been denied her for so long, she'd quickly grown to love it and had realised how much she'd missed it. But she knew she was recovering from some serious injuries; she knew she would need to be aware of her weaknesses, so her movements tended to be slow and careful.

The text was from Cal, confirming that he and Ethan were coming today. Kate felt her face light up in a smile. She always felt so happy when she knew Ethan was coming, even though he managed it most days now. She thought of calling Alicia, Lily or Louise and asking them to come and help with her make-up, but she knew she could do a reasonable job of it herself now and Ethan would love her the same where she was wearing no make-up or a whole cosmetics counter.

She got out of bed carefully and went to the bathroom to do a quick make-up job. It took a while as her hands were unsteady and sometimes painful, but she didn't stop till it was done. It didn't matter how many times she had to wipe her make-up away and try again. She was Ethan Hardy's girlfriend and he loved her! When she returned to her bed, she checked the time and realised Cal and Ethan would be here very soon. She felt her heart skip in excitement as she waited for the knock at the door that would announce their arrival.

At last, it came.

* * *

Ethan knew he walked more slowly now. The whole world seemed to move more slowly sometimes. He noticed Cal trying to adjust his long legs to Ethan's pace and attempted to quicken his steps, but his legs felt quite weak and jellylike and he stumbled slightly. He felt a jolt of shock as he nearly fell, and then a bigger one when Cal had his arms around him and Ethan had suddenly realised what it could mean.

"Ethan, it's okay," said Cal. "Just take your time. Kate isn't going anywhere."

"I stumbled…" said Ethan, looking up at Cal in helpless fear.

"Everyone stumbles sometimes," said Cal. "I know one day it will happen more often and it will mean the symptoms have started. And I totally get why every stumble worries you. It worries me too. But at this stage, there's more chance of it being a random stumble than a sign of anything. You're depressed, Ethan. It might feel a bit odd to be walking and you probably feel a bit disconnected from the world mentally; if you're not really paying attention, there is more chance of you tripping or stumbling."

Ethan nodded. He was sure Cal was right really, but he'd found it quite difficult to concentrate on what Cal was saying.

"Just take your time," said Cal. "We're seeing Kate, not Connie. Kate isn't going to eat us if we're late."

Ethan knew that. Kate would put her arms around him and love him and feel happy he was there. His love for her burned brightly for a moment, then it slipped further way, as so many of his emotions did. It was only the negative emotions that suctioned themselves to his heart and refused to let go.

They went into the ED. In some ways, it would have made sense to use the main entrance of the hospital, but Cal and Ethan always came in this way. It was natural to them and there was also a good chance of seeing some of their colleagues on the way. Ethan hoped they wouldn't see any. They were only ever kind to him, but the way they treated him reminded him of how different he was now.

They saw Lily first. She greeted Cal with a customary coldness that was intended to be friendly before turning to Ethan and saying gently: "I'm glad you're here, Ethan. Kate will be very pleased to see you. How are you feeling?"

"Good," whispered Ethan, and somehow managed to stammer out the same question to Lily. Lily's answer included various patient details he couldn't follow, but he managed to tell her it sounded good and she was doing well.

"It is very… different here without you, Ethan," said Lily. "We think of you every day."

Ethan felt grateful for her words but also confused. Lily would not have said that unless she meant it, but she didn't know why anyone would miss him. He hadn't been a bad doctor, but he wasn't the most interesting person. He was surprised anyone would notice his absence at all. It was much more likely to be Cal they missed.

Alicia bounded up like an excitable puppy. "Hey, Ethan! I'm so glad you're here! How are you?"

Ethan knew she was making the effort to seem extra happy in the hope it might infect him and lift his mood, but it exhausted him and made him long to be with Kate. He spoke slowly. "Good, thank you, Alicia. How are you?"

"Oh, I'm great!" said Alicia brightly. "I mean, well, I'm not great. I'm actually pretty ordinary. But I'm happy. And it's so good to see you! Kate will be so happy. She's very popular today!"

Ethan frowned slightly. He wasn't surprised Kate was popular, but he couldn't help feeling something was wrong.

Cal was confused too. "Is Milly up there with her? I thought she had a staff meeting this morning."

Alicia shook her head, beaming. "No: her old boss from her old job came to see her. Isn't that nice of her?"

Ethan took a big gulp of air and then had trouble exhaling it. "What boss?" he croaked.

"I think she said her name was Judy," said Alicia.


	51. Chapter 51

**Bonnie Sveen Fan** , thank you for your review. Ethan really does need Cal at the moment - I'm not sure how he'd have coped if Cal had run away like he usually does. You'll find out a bit about what Judy wants in this chapter.

 **bronny9** , thank you for your review. I'm really glad you enjoyed the update.

 **Tanith Panic** , I'm glad you liked the cliffhanger! If you're expecting lovely Ethan, a scary ex-boss really isn't quite the same thing. I love the way the ED staff always used to support each other - it was mostly still the case at the time this story was set. They all know Ethan's amazing doctor and a really lovely man. Thank you for your review.

 **InfinityAndOne** , it probably isn't good at all! A cliffhanger can be a mean way to ending a chapter, but as a reader, I sometimes like the break at the end of a chapter. Even if I'm able to read on, I like to stop for a minute and wonder and worry, which isn't so easy in the middle of a chapter. Ethan is doing well - any progress is good when you consider the effort Ethan must have put into it. Thank you for your review.

 **20BlueRoses** , I agree that the fact Cal is a doctor could make it harder for him - as an ED doctor, he's used to saving people's lives by working quickly. That doesn't always make things completely better and the patient often has a long recovery ahead of them, but at least Cal can be sure he's done something very important for the patient and know he did the right thing. He can't do that with Ethan, or not in the same way. If Ethan can save the day, that might help him. Thank you for your review.

 **Is-there-somewhere-x** , thank you for your review. You'll find out part of what Judy wants in this chapter - maybe you're right to be scared for Kate!

* * *

Ethan turned to stare at Cal. He wanted to speak, but his throat was closed up and all he could do was shake his head.

"That's nice," said Cal.

Ethan clenched his fists. Cal didn't get it. He never got it.

He turned to Alicia. "You've met her!"

Alicia looked confused. "You mean before today?"

Ethan nodded.

"I don't think I've met any of Kate's bosses," said Alicia. "I did go to her café once and I heard her boss asking me to leave because I wasn't well and I might put people off their food, but this one was really lovely!"

Ethan shook his head in frustration. "No! Not lovely! Got to… Kate!"

Cal caught his arm. "Ethan, just because Judy asked an ill customer to leave, it doesn't mean they'd do Kate any harm. She wouldn't have come all this way unless she cared about her."

"She did seem really concerned," said Alicia. "She was so sorry she couldn't come to see her before, but she's been out of the country."

"No!" gasped Ethan. "Judy… Milly's café… date."

Cal held Ethan's hands. "Ethan, try to breathe, okay? I know you want to tell us something, but you need to calm down."

"No! Kate!" said Ethan, his eyes filling with tears. He turned to Alicia. " _Why?_ "

Alicia looked upset. "I thought it was the right thing to do."

"No!" said Ethan. He tried to breathe, but there wasn't any oxygen.

"Ethan! Ethan, look at me. Can you look at me?" said Cal.

"Maybe we should get him to Resus," said Alicia anxiously.

* * *

"Come in!" called Kate, unable to keep the excitement from her voice. She loved Ethan so much. Every moment with him was special. And they so nearly hadn't met. If Cal hadn't decided to hijack the ambulance; if they hadn't got lost on the way; if they hadn't chosen to go to her café….

Even then, so much had been a matter of chance. If Alicia hadn't visited the café; if she hadn't recognised Kate on her night out; if Honey hadn't come alone and caused so many injuries; if Ethan hadn't been working that night…

And if the barista post at Holby hadn't become vacant, just when Kate needed a new job…

The door opened.

Kate gasped in shock, then tried to smile. "Hi, Judy! It's so lovely to see you. Come in. How are you?"

Judy shut the door behind her. She walked slowly towards the bed and sat down.

Kate tried to keep smiling, but it was difficult. Judy's eyes were cold and she made no attempt to return Kate's smile.

"Would you like to sit down?" asked Kate nervously.

Judy sat down without a word. She sat and stared at Kate.

Kate shivered under her gaze. She knew she could press the panic button if she was in trouble, but what could she say? Judy hadn't done anything. She'd only sat down and looked at her.

"You don't know who I am, do you?" said Judy.

Kate blinked. "I… of course I do. You were my boss. At the café."

"I didn't mean that!" snapped Judy. "I meant before that."

"Before that?" said Kate. "I'm sorry, but I really don't think…"

"I know you don't!" said Judy angrily. "I thought when you came to apply for the job that you were going to… well, I don't know. It was really too late even then. But I told myself maybe you were working up to it. Maybe applying for the job was a way of making it up to me."

"For what?" asked Kate. "I'm sorry, Judy. I really don't know what I've done. But if you tell me…"

"You'll what?" said Judy. "It's too late. Too late for anything. I should have known that."

Kate shook her head helplessly. "I'm really sorry for whatever I've done. Especially if I can't make it up to you. But you can't be completely sure about that unless you tell me what-"

"Shut up!" shouted Judy, raising her hand.

Kate shrank back. She thought again of the panic button, but again, what had Judy done besides frighten and confuse her a bit? And perhaps she was right to be angry. Perhaps Kate had forgotten something really important.

"If you really don't remember, I suppose I'd better tell you," said Judy.

"Thank you. That would be really-"

"But don't interrupt." Judy moved the chair closer to Kate. "I don't want you to die without knowing what you did to me. To both of us."

Kate was more confused than ever.

"I didn't know you, Kate," said Judy. "We only met the once. But I knew a lot about you."

Kate trembled and remembered the instruction not to speak.

"Your mother told me," said Judy. "She told me a lot about you." She laughed softly. "All of it good and none of it true."

"That is actually quite easy to believe," said Kate. "My mother was very generous in her- sorry." She flinched away from Judy's glare. "I'm sorry, Judy. I won't interrupt again."

Judy gave her a look of contempt and continued. "I didn't know she was ill. She didn't tell me. We'd quarrelled. I think she might have staged the quarrel so she wouldn't have to tell me."

 _You were friends with my mother?_ thought Kate. She couldn't quite imagine it. They were of a similar age, but they were so different and her mother had never mentioned a friend called Judy.

"But I found out," said Judy. "And of course, I went to see her at once. Our quarrel didn't matter. She was dying. Nothing mattered but her."

 _You went to see her…_

A memory flashed into Kate's mind. A woman she didn't know had knocked on the door and asked to see her mother. Kate had said she was too unwell for visitors and asked her to leave her name. She'd said her name was Julie.

 _Julie… Judy… so easy to mishear, especially when Kate wasn't really paying attention at all. All she could think of was that her mother was dying and that it wouldn't be long. The ambulance was coming later that day to remove her to the hospice. Kate had cared for her well, but her mother needed trained medical personnel now._

 _She nearly hadn't answered the door. She didn't want to leave her mother. Not that she seemed very aware of Kate or of anything else. She hadn't responded for so long; hadn't showed any signs that she could see or hear her daughter._

 _And in less than an hour, she would be taken away. Kate would go with them in the ambulance, of course, but then she'd have to leave her mother in the hospice. She'd have to say goodbye, knowing that this time, it really might be goodbye._

 _She hadn't wanted to answer the door. She was afraid it might be them, even though it was early. But she couldn't very well refuse to let them in. She leaned forward to kiss her mother's cheek and went to answer the door. On the doorstep was a lady she'd never seen before._

 _"_ _I've come to see Katherine," she said._

 _"_ _Oh, how kind of you," said Kate, but she didn't know this women and she believed she knew all her mother's closest friends. "I'm afraid she's not well enough to receive visitors at present. She's actually going to… to the hospital soon." She couldn't say 'hospice'. She couldn't. It was too final – and although this woman couldn't be someone her mother knew well, she'd cared enough about her to come to the house. Kate didn't want to be the one to break the news. She knew it was cowardly, but she couldn't do it. And if she did, she would probably have to stay with the woman and talk to her; comfort her; deprive herself of another few precious minutes with her mother._

 _It was so selfish of her. So cruel._

 _"_ _But if you let me know your name, I'll let her know you came to see her," said Kate, and she was telling the truth. She would tell her mother. But she knew it was very unlikely her mother would hear the words, much less understand._

 _"_ _Julie," said the woman._

 _Or so Kate had thought._

 _The woman continued: "Please tell her I was here. Don't forget. And please tell her I'm sorry."_

 _Kate promised and the woman went away. She hurried back to her mother, the woman's face already gone from her memory. The apology she took only as an expression of sorrow; she heard the words so often, after all. If only she'd paid better attention that day, but she'd already contacted everyone her mother had asked her to contact. It didn't occur to her that 'Julie' was so important. And maybe she wasn't. But perhaps they had been; perhaps they'd communicated through email rather than by phone._

 _Kate gave the message to her mother and felt her heart break again when she received no response._

 _A short while later, the ambulance arrived. Kate travelled with her to the hospice and sat with her for as long as she was allowed. She went back every day for a week, often taking her mother's friends along with her, but she never showed any sign of recognition. And not long after that, she died._

"Remember now?" said Judy.

"I'm so sorry," said Kate with tears in her eyes. "It was so rude of me. I should have asked for your number; I should have given you mine. But I thought I knew all my mother's friends. She hadn't mentioned you. I thought you said your name was Julie, but she didn't mention a Judy either. I'm so sorry."

Judy stood up. Her chair fell backward, clattering to the floor. "You liar."

"I'm telling the truth," said Kate.

"No. You just couldn't handle the truth; couldn't handle the idea Katherine could have a life that didn't involve you."

Kate found herself backing up against her pillows. She wanted to get out of the bed and run, but she was sure Judy would get between her and the door. "I'm very sorry, Judy. I did the wrong thing. And I'm sorry I didn't recognise you afterwards. I… I'm afraid I did lie to you about one thing. It wasn't the hospital my mother was going to. It was the hospice. I-I couldn't bear to say the word out loud and I'm so sorry."

"So you are a liar!" hissed Judy. "I hate people who lie almost as much as I hate people like you."


	52. Chapter 52

**Bonnie Sveen Fan** , Ethan might have a panic attack - he really is very scared for Kate. I'm glad you feel Kate doesn't deserve this. She's made a few mistakes, but the last thing she'd want is to hurt someone. Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. It was selfish of Kate, but letting a complete stranger in to see a dying relative isn't necessarily a good idea either. I don't think there's an obvious right answer. Either way, it could have led to trouble! We don't know if the experience changed Judy or if she was always like this.

 **InfinityAndOne** , thank you for your review. It really is horrible for Ethan. He needs to convince them somehow - Judy might not be thinking clearly enough to control her actions and Kate might not be strong enough to defend herself. But Cal often does brush Ethan's concerns aside.

 **X-Sammii-X** , thank you for your review. I'm really glad you like Kate and dislike Judy. Kate made a mistake and Judy has a reason to be angry, but that doesn't mean Kate deserved Judy's reaction. It would be nice to see Ethan and Kate happy together!

 _Thank you to **Nike02cool** and **MDonnes** for the follows._

* * *

"Security!" said Ethan desperately. "Call security!"

Alicia looked upset. "Do you really think… oh God, this is all my fault!"

Cal shook his head. "It's not your fault, Alicia. It's okay."

"Of course… yes… _Alicia_!" managed Ethan.

"I'm so sorry," whispered Alicia, her hands over her mouth. "Is there anything we can do? Can we go up there?"

"Security!" Ethan almost shouted the word.

Cal put his hand on Ethan's shoulders. "Ethan, we can't. Everything's probably fine. We can only call security if we have reason to believe Kate's in danger."

"Danger!" said Ethan in frustration. The words were in his head, but they weren't coming out. "Judy… bully!"

"She seemed so lovely," said Alicia with tears in her eyes. "But anyone can pretend to be lovely for a couple of minutes." She looked at Cal in concern. "I really am so sorry. I never should have let her go up there. I'll call security, Ethan. I'll call them right now."

Cal shook his head distractedly. "No, Alicia, don't call anyone! It's not your fault. Anyone would have done the same and we can't even be sure you've done anything wrong."

"Yes!" said Ethan. He wanted to break free of Cal's hold, but the leaden feeling caused by the depression was still there and he wasn't sure he had the strength.

But he had to find the strength and he had to find his voice.

"But I knew," said Alicia, beginning to cry. "I knew Kate's boss was… difficult. I knew Kate was fired from her last job. I didn't know very much – Kate's not really a gossip. But if she's up there now and she's hurting or upsetting Kate in some way, I'll never forgive myself."

Ethan didn't think he'd ever forgive her either, but there was no way he could manage to say so.

"It's not your fault, Alicia," said Cal, stroking her arm.

Ethan disagreed, but he had more important things to think about. "Kate… now?" he said, grabbing Cal's hand.

"Well… I suppose there's no harm in calling the department and asking them to check on Kate," said Cal. "But we can't call security when we don't know for certain that there's anything wrong. Even if this is all true, it could be Judy felt guilty and wanted to apologise."

Alicia was sobbing. "But it is worth taking the risk?"

"No!" said Ethan. He didn't know why they were still here; why they were still talking about it. If there was the smallest chance Kate was in danger, he needed to be there. He probably wouldn't be able to do much as he was completely useless, but he couldn't leave Kate up there all on her own with Judy.

"We're not taking a risk," said Cal. "We're notifying the department there might be a problem. And if there is, they can call security and then call us back."

"No! Too long!" For the first time in what felt like a long time, Ethan's body seemed to come to life. Energy pulsated through him. Putting one foot in front of the other was no longer a problem, or at least not for now. Ethan threw himself forward, running for the lift. He heard Cal calling him back and knew he had little time; if Cal caught him and physically restrained him, Ethan had little hope of getting to Kate. To his relief, the lift doors were open when he arrived. He ran inside, nearly running into the people who were making their way out of the lift. Ethan heard their murmurs of disapproval and gave them a quick apology, then he hit the button to close the doors followed by the button for Kate's floor.

* * *

"People like me?" echoed Kate blankly. "What do you mean, people like me?"

"Homophobes!" Judy spat the word.

Kate stared. "I'm not a homophobe"

"That's not what your mother thought."

"I don't know why she'd think that – perhaps we didn't discuss how I felt about it, but I'm sure I've never given her a reason to think that," said Kate.

Judy's eyes narrowed. "Do you really expect me to believe that? You can't tell me you didn't know your mother was gay."

"My mother _wasn't_ gay," said Kate. "I wouldn't have minded if she was, but she never mentioned it to me and I'm sure she would have done." There hadn't been any men since Kate's dad, but there hadn't been any women either, to Kate's knowledge. Her mother had had a lot of female friends, but that didn't mean she'd dated any of them.

It couldn't be true. Her mother would have told her… wouldn't she? Kate had always thought they were close; that they could talk about anything.

"Are you saying I'm lying?" Judy was leaning over the bed now, her face twisted with rage.

"No, of course I'm not," said Kate, trying not to cry. "I'm just saying my mother didn't mention it to me."

"Clearly because she knew what you were like and she was afraid you would reject her!" shouted Judy.

Tears started to roll down Kate's cheeks. "I would never have done that. But perhaps you're right. Perhaps she was afraid."

"And you must have given her some reason to be!" said Judy.

Kate fought back sobs. "Judy, please believe me. If I had known you and my mother were in a relationship, I would have been happy for her and for you. I would have let you into the house and seen her. I'd have told you where the hospice is; you could have visited her every day. But I didn't know and I'm so sorry."

"You don't know how it felt," said Judy. She sounded different now. Sad. "Sitting there and waiting for her to contact me. I went to the house every day, but no-one answered."

"I was probably at the hospice," wept Kate. "I was there most of the day. Every minute I could be. I'm sorry, Judy."

"And then I heard she'd died, and not one more word from you," said Judy. "Until you arrived at the café. I saw you coming and I thought you'd found me somehow. I thought you'd brought me a message. Even when you asked for a job application form, I still hoped."

"I'm sorry," said Kate. "I remember the incident now you've reminded me, but I didn't remember what you looked like. And as I got your name wrong, I just didn't make the connection."

"All that time you worked for me," said Judy. "All that time."

"I'm sorry," sniffled Kate. "If you'd told me who you were-"

"Oh, so it was my fault, was it!" Judy seized Kate by the shoulders and shook her.

Kate cried out in shock and pain. "No! No, of course not. I didn't mean that, Judy! I know it was my fault."

"Good! Because it was your fault. You shouldn't have lied to me. You shouldn't have taunted me."

"I didn't taunt you, Judy!" cried Kate. "I promise. I've never done that."

"You taunted me with your presence; you taunted me by existing!" said Judy. "I wanted to make you suffer too; I wanted you to feel what I was feeling."

"I probably did," said Kate. "I loved my mother too."

"Don't you dare tell me you felt like I did!" Judy pushed Kate backwards so her head crashed against the headboard. "You had no idea what I felt. At least you got to be with her!"

"I know I did. I'm sorry. If there's anything I can tell you about-"

Judy hit Kate's head against the headboard again. "I tried to get back at you, but nothing worked. You were always so happy. I hated you for that. Could you really have forgotten her so soon?"

The room was spinning. Kate wasn't sure if it was from hitting her head or from the shock. "I haven't forgotten her, Judy. I think about her every day. Until I got the job here, I went to her grave every day. Even when I did move here, I went every week. Ethan's been going since I've been in here. Since he got ill, his brother-"

Judy went on as though Kate hadn't spoken. "I tried and tried to make you feel something, but even when you cried, it gave me no satisfaction. I sacked you when I had the chance – you really were a terrible worker and I have no idea why the ED employed you – but it didn't help. I knew you'd be just as happy here as you were there. I couldn't make you feel sad so I decided to make you feel fear."

"What do you mean?" asked Kate.

Judy smiled, as though impressed by her own cleverness. "I asked some of my regulars in the café to find you and bring you to me, but they messed it up. They said you'd got hurt and I hoped you would die, but you didn't. And so I've been waiting; wondering what to do next. Wondering if anything will ever help. And I knew the only way of making this end was if you died too. So that's what's going to happen, Kate. Now."

* * *

Ethan burst into the room and gasped in shock. Judy had Kate pinned down on the bed, her hand against Kate's throat. Kate in her weakened state was no match for an angry Judy who wanted to hurt her. Kate struggled limply, her eyes filled with desperate fear.

The shock lasted only a second. Ethan rushed forward, caught Judy around the shoulders and pulled her away from Kate. She cried out in rage and kicked and scratched, but Ethan didn't let go. He couldn't.

He wanted to let go. Kate was crying and he wanted to go to her, but he had to keep them both safe and that meant he couldn't let go of Judy. He half-carried her towards the door, shouting for help. Almost immediately, he heard running footsteps and Cal was there.

"Hold her!" gasped Ethan, almost shoving her into Cal's arms. He ran back into Kate's room and put his arms around her, but gently. "Kate, are you hurt? I'm here now, darling. Cal's got Judy. You're safe now. I promise."

Kate clung to him, trembling and sobbing. Ethan tried to soothe her, but he didn't expect it to work.

He was crying too. "I'm here, sweetheart. I'm here."

He could hear Judy shouting from outside and he held Kate closer to him. He heard more people arriving and guessed Cal had called security after all.

"I love you," said Ethan, suddenly feeling very tired. His depression was threatening to overwhelm him again. He'd got there in time to stop Judy from strangling Kate, but Kate was still terrified and upset and he hadn't been there in time to prevent that. "I'm sorry, Kate. I'm so sorry."


	53. Chapter 53

**InfinityAndOne** , that is likely to be the problem for Ethan, unfortunately. He was able to do what he needed to when it really mattered, but it will take a lot out of him. It would be nice to say that moment cured him, but it rarely works like that! It's difficult to imagine Judy getting away with attempted murder. Thank you for your review.

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan** , it really must have been horrible for Kate. There would have been people fairly near, but they probably wouldn't just walk in unless Kate was making a lot of noise and I don't think she dared. So it's really lucky Ethan found the strength to go to her. Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , very few people are genuinely as nasty as Judy seemed to be - they have usually suffered pretty badly themselves to get into that state. I wanted to give her some kind of motivation beyond taking a sudden an inexplicable dislike to someone (though that does happen). If only she had known. Thank you for your review.

 **X-Sammii-X** , thank you for your review. I'm glad you liked the twist! Judy might not have been so horrible before she lost someone she loved, but even if Kate had been really rude and told her to get out and never come back, that wouldn't make Judy's actions excusable. Cal and Ethan to the rescue again! They can rescue me anytime.

* * *

Cal watched as Security dragged Judy away, shuddering slightly at her angry screams and hoping against hope that Ethan and Kate wouldn't hear, though there wasn't much chance of that. He took a breath to steady himself, then he entered the room and looked at the distraught couple on the bed. They were clinging to each other tightly, both crying, and even Cal's feeling that they'd never let each other go after this gave him little comfort when he thought of what they'd both suffered. He could see Ethan's burst of energy was beginning to subside and he wondered if Ethan would even be able to speak when the tears finally stopped.

But Cal was so proud of him at that moment. For recognising there was something wrong. For resisting Cal's attempts to convince him otherwise. For getting himself to Kate's room when it was so hard for him even to walk a few steps. For dealing with the situation and rescuing the girl he loved.

Ethan would probably think he'd done nothing at all, but Cal vowed to make him believe it. Somehow.

Cal hesitated for a moment, unsure if he should go to Ethan and Kate or not. He cared about them both and knew they'd both be in his life forever, but perhaps they only needed each other.

But he couldn't walk away and leave them. Not when they were so upset.

Cal went over and sat on the bed. He wrapped one arm around each of them and held them both tightly. He knew at once that he'd done the right thing. Although Ethan and Kate didn't let go of each other, they both leaned into Cal's embrace. Cal's arms tightened around them and he silently swore that he would always be there for both of them, no matter what. Whatever they needed, Cal would provide. He knew that was what Emilie would want; what Matilda would want.

But more than that, it was what Cal wanted too.

* * *

Kate didn't argue when Cal told her she to go down to the ED to be examined. She didn't think she was badly hurt, but she felt as though she had on strength to argue. Cal said Ethan, who'd sustained scratches and bruises from his attempts to hold on to Judy, really needed to go too. If he'd been himself and able to speak, Kate knew he would have argued. Even now, he came close to it. She recognised it in the tiny movements he made: shaking his head just slightly when Cal said he needed to be examined; his lips parting as though he was going to protest it wasn't necessary and he really was all right.

But Kate couldn't help worrying (and she knew this was in Cal's mind too) that perhaps Ethan was so depressed to feel the extent of any damage caused. He'd been so wonderful when he'd burst into his room with fire in his eyes and dragged Judy away. She'd never seen him like that before and wouldn't have expected it of such a quiet, gentle man, but at the same time, it seemed completely like Ethan. She knew he would do anything for the people he loved - and she was so, so lucky that included her.

They went down to the ED, where Jacob tried to tell them to go into separate cubicles. Despreation came into Ethan's eyes and he held tightly to Kate's hand. Kate looked pleadingly at Cal, terrified to be without either of the brothers (because of course Cal would go into Ethan's cubicle to support his brother and Kate wouldn't have wanted it any other way) but Zoe decided it would be better to keep them together, just this once. Zoe examined Kate and Ethan but came to the conclusion there wasn't anything medically wrong with them, though she said they'd done the right thing in coming to the ED.

When Kate was given permission to return to her room, Ethan went with her. He wasn't speaking, but although his movements were slower than usual, they were decisive. He wanted to be with Kate. Kate didn't want him to tire himself out, but all she wanted was to be with Ethan.

Ethan stayed as long as he could – long past visiting hours ended – but in the end, he was told he really needed to go. Ethan didn't move, but Kate could see the emotions in his eyes: at first a mutinous refusal, then a pleading desperation that was replaced by resigned sadness. He kissed her goodbye and held her tightly in his arms. Kate told him she loved him and although Ethan didn't reply, she knew he was thinking it.

She couldn't be in any doubt of his love now.

She loved him too. She loved him more than anything – and she vowed silently to help him fight and beat his depression. She was sure he could do it. He was the strongest, bravest person she knew. And she loved him.

* * *

Ethan could hear a phone.

It seemed to be coming from a long way away, but he was sure it was a phone.

His mind clouded by fatigue as well as depression, he tried to remember what to do next. He was relieved when the sound stopped and he faintly heard Cal's voice. Cal had dealt with it then. He clearly knew what to do.

Ethan heard Cal's voice stop, followed by a creak from his bed. Then came Cal's quick footsteps, coming out of the room and across the hall.

Ethan's door opened. "Ethan, are you awake?" said Cal.

Ethan nodded.

Cal sat on the bed, taking Ethan's hand in his. "That was the hospital on the phone. Kate's had a nightmare and a panic attack. She's asking for you. Is it okay if I take you to the hospital?"

Ethan was battered by several emotions at once. He gasped and stared at Cal, beginning to tremble. His eyes filled with tears, but he knew what he had to do. He nodded and kept nodding.

"Good," said Cal in a soothing voice. "Well done. "You sit there and I'll sort you out some clothes."

"Now?" managed Ethan.

"You need to get some clothes on first." Cal went across to Ethan's drawers and took out several items. "Here: can you put these on?"

Ethan nodded.

"Good. I'll go and get dressed, then I'll come and see how you're doing."

Ethan wondered if he had the energy to get dressed, but he found he didn't need it. It was happening on its own, or that was how it seemed. He made no conscious decisions; put no effort into the task, but the clothes were making their way onto Ethan's body.

 _Kate…_ Ethan thought as his arms moved of their own accord. _I need Kate…_

Then he realised something even more important. _Kate needs me_.

* * *

Cal eased the car into his parking space. The night was cool and quiet, but he didn't doubt the atmosphere inside the ED would be very different. He glanced across at Ethan, who hadn't spoken throughout the journey. His hands were twisted together and there was a pained look on his face as he stared fixedly at something through the windscreen. Cal doubted he was really seeing anything at all.

"We're here, Ethan," he said softly, putting a gentle hand on his brother's arm.

Ethan turned to face him, a slightly confused look on his face as though he wasn't sure what 'here' meant, but then he nodded and moved his hand slowly to release his seatbelt. Cal considered doing it for him, but then he changed his mind. He needed to accept Ethan's slowness as a part of him, even though his current slowness was caused only by depression. Cal needed to show patience and understanding; to behave as though it was normal to wait for Ethan and they had all the time in the world.

Ethan pushed his seatbelt away from his shoulder and opened the door. Cal did the same; he was beside Ethan's side of the car before Ethan had closed the door. Cal put his arm around Ethan and together they walked across the car park and over to the ED. It wasn't the quickest way, but the ED was open and it meant Cal wouldn't have to call up and ask someone to come down and unlock the door.

As they walked through the ED, a few people said hello to them, though few exhibited surprise. Seeing them in the ED was hardly an unusual occurrence. A couple of people asked if they were okay, presumably wondering if they might be patients, but Cal was quick to reassure them. Ethan said nothing and Cal wasn't completely sure he'd heard, but he wouldn't worry about that now.

They took the lift up to the correct floor and made their way towards Kate's room. Cal kept his arm around Ethan and let his brother set the pace. He was itching to hurry him, but he didn't doubt Ethan was trying to hurry too. He watched as determination warred with frustration on his brother's face.

"Nearly there, Ethan," said Cal. "You're doing fine."

Ethan looked as though he didn't agree – how often had he looked like that in response to something Cal had said? – but he kept going. At last, they reached Kate's room and Cal was almost moved when Ethan managed a little burst of speed to take him to the door. Kate was sitting up in bed with a nurse beside her. She looked up as the door opened and looked over at Ethan, her hand outstretched towards him. She was crying and visibly trembling.

The nurse squeezed Kate's hand and stood back to give them space. Cal pushed Ethan forward gently and he sat on the bed, taking Kate's hand in his and putting his other arm around her.

"Kate," said Ethan softly. He let go of her hand and reached up to wipe the tears from her cheeks. "I'm here."

"I'm so glad you're here," said Kate.

"Always here," said Ethan, hugging her tightly. "I love you."

"I love you too!" sobbed Kate.

Cal stood by the door, watching them hug. He hoped they would have years together. He really did.

It took Kate a while to calm down, but it definitely helped to have Ethan there. He didn't say much – she knew he couldn't – but he was still there and he was holding her and she was so lucky.

At last, she lifted her had from Ethan's chest and tried to smile at him through her tears. "Thank you."

Ethan gave her a tissue and stroked her armas she dried her tears. "You can tell me."

He might have meant the nightmare, but Kate knew he meant what had happened between her and Judy. "I would like to tell you, Ethan, but it's late. I don't want to tire you out."

"You can tell me," said Ethan again, the words clearly an effort but his meaning not in doubt. "You can tell me... anything."


	54. Chapter 54

**InfinityAndOne** , thank you for your review. I'm glad you're able to see how much Ethan loves Kate. Ethan usually says quite a lot when he's comforting someone, so it felt a bit strange having to show that in other ways. I'm relieved it worked!

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan** , Cal really has been a good brother in this story! I think it's probably good for both brothers to know Cal can look after Ethan when he needs it. Judy definitely needs to stay away from all of them in future! Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. I agree it was really important for Ethan to realise Kate still needed him - he probably had trouble believing anyone could need him. It was probably also important for this to happen for Judy as it's so difficult to get help sometimes unless you've proved beyond doubt that you need it. But poor Kate doesn't deserve any of this.

* * *

Kate rested her head against Ethan's shoulder and told him about the first time she'd met Judy; her confusion over the name; the way she must instantly have forgotten Judy's face. "I know it was bad, but I didn't think I should let her see my mum. We had a long conversation before she became ill. She talked about who she was happy to see her in what state. She never mentioned a Judy – or a Julie. The people she was happy to see were people I already knew."

"Honouring wishes," said Ethan.

Kate nodded. "Yes. I was. But whenever anyone else came to the house, I always let them in. I gave them an update. I passed on messages. Some people I was able to call back and say my mum had asked to see them." She wiped a tear away. "But all the people who came to see her were people I knew, or at least people I'd heard about. Judy wasn't mentioned by any of them."

"Right thing," said Ethan.

Kate hugged him. "I don't know if it was right or not, but I believed I was doing the best I could in the circumstances. But I could have been wrong. I could barely think of anything. I knew I was going to lose her very soon and there was so much I had to do. I don't know how I did it all; I don't remember doing most of it, but the important thing is I did it."

Ethan hugged her.

"But when Judy came to see me today…" Kate went on to tell him of Judy's visit today: that she'd applied for a job in Judy's café without recognising her; that Judy had understandably hated her for what she'd done. Then she told Ethan what Judy had told her today. "But I didn't know. I had no idea. If my mum had told me she was gay, I'd have had no problems with that at all. Why would I? But she didn't tell me. Presumably, they must have quarrelled and didn't communicate for several months. My mother didn't mention her to me. She probably didn't expect to hear from her. And Judy didn't find out she was ill till it was too late..."

Ethan tenderly wiped her tears away and pressed his lips lightly to her forehead. His eyes sought hers. "Love you."

Only two words, but they meant everything. Kate didn't know if she'd ever forgive herself, but Ethan already had – if he'd ever felt he needed to.

She held Ethan tightly. So much had gone wrong for her, but in one respect, she couldn't be more lucky.

* * *

The next few days were difficult. Kate had to answer questions about Judy from the hospital and the police. Ethan was with her whenever he could be. She hated to put him under more pressure, but Cal said it would have stressed Ethan out a lot more if she'd said no. So he sat by her side, holding her hand, as she told the whole story again and hoped they wouldn't think badly of her.

The hospital staff, to her relief, were sympathetic. They would never let an unknown member of the public in to see a dying patient. "You did the right thing, Kate. You didn't know who she was. She could have been a complete stranger to your mother for all you knew and you were close to your mother so it was reasonable to assume she would have told you about Judy if she'd thought she was important."

"Then why didn't she tell me?" said Kate. "I wouldn't have minded. I'd have been happy for her and I'd have included Judy in everything."

"It's so difficult to say, Kate. It's possible they broke up before your mother told you the news, so it didn't seem worth mentioning. You tried to act in her best interests, but you didn't have all the information and that wasn't your fault. But you did a wonderful job of caring for your mother and I'm sure you made her life so much better and happier than it would have been without you."

"Thank you," said Kate tearfully as Ethan squeezed her hand. "I hope you're right. I really do."

The police were a bit more distant and didn't offer as much sympathy and understanding, but neither did they seem to blame her. They asked questions, wrote down her replies and wished her a speedy recovery. And then they were gone, leaving Kate to pick up the pieces of her life.

"Well done," said Ethan when they'd finished. "Very good."

Kate kissed him. She knew Ethan didn't mean to sound like a teacher complimenting a pupil. He really meant what he said.

"Proud," said Ethan, and he seemed not far off smiling. "Very proud."

"I couldn't have done it without you, Ethan," said Kate.

Ethan looked like he'd have had a lot to say to that, if only he could. Instead, he hugged her tightly. When Kate was in his arms, nothing seemed to hurt quite so much.

* * *

Ethan returned the following day and sat beside Kate on the bed, holding her tightly in his arms. She was well enough to sit in a chair now, but that would have meant being further away from Ethan, so she preferred the bed (Ethan had blushed horribly when she'd said that, though as she'd kissed him and told him he was adorable, he decided the incident probably hadn't damaged their relationship Kate never seemed to mind when he was embarrassing, stupid or innocent. Ethan thought that was probably just as well).

It was nice, just being with her. It would probably be an exaggeration to say he felt happy, but when he was with Kate, the heavy darkness seemed a bit further away. He even smiled sometimes because despite everything, he was still lucky. There were still times when he thought he was being selfish and he needed to get away from Kate for her sake, but he knew he couldn't do it.

She was already hurting and vulnerable and it wasn't what either of them wanted.

Ethan still had no idea why Kate wanted _him_ , but not even he could doubt that her feelings were genuine. He didn't think she was capable of pretending to love someone when she didn't. Not even out of pity. He knew she had no idea what caring for someone with Huntington's would be like, but she did seem to understand his depression. She understood what he was saying, even when he couldn't say anything at all.

Kate was kissing him softly when there was a peremptory knock on the door. Ethan and Kate glanced at one another nervously, then Kate called out for the person to come in.

It turned out to be two people: Lily and a rather tearful Alicia. Lily had her arm around her mentee as she urged her forward.

"Hey, Alicia," said Kate gently. "What's wrong?"

Alicia's silent tears became sobs.

"I hope you don't mind that I brought her," said Lily.

"No, of course not!" said Kate. "I just hope I can help in some way."

 _I love you, Kate_ , thought Ethan, but he didn't feel able to say it in front of so many people – which might be for the best. It was probably the wrong moment.

Lily stroked Alicia's arm. "You can do this, Alicia." Her voice was rather clipped, but Ethan could tell she was being kind. He got up slowly and moved out of Alicia's way.

"Sit down," said Lily, and Alicia sat on the bed, still weeping.

Kate offered her a tissue. "It's okay. Take your time. But you can tell me anything, Alicia. I'm listening."

Alicia sniffed hard and wiped her eyes. "I'm so sorry, Kate! I'm sorry I told that woman where you were. I was so stupid."

"You didn't know who she was," said Kate gently. "It's not your fault."

Alicia continued to cry. "That's one reason why I shouldn't have done it. She seemed so lovely and she acted like she really cared about you, but I shouldn't have taken her word for it. I know all the people who have been visiting you regularly. I knew you'd already been attacked once so there were people who wanted to hurt you. I should have asked you first. I'm so, so sorry."

"It's okay," said Kate. "Judy told me something really important and I'm glad she told me. If you hadn't told her where I was, I'd never have known. And there's no way you could have guessed what she was going to do. You had no reason to suspect anything and as I haven't been living in Holby long, it's not unlikely that I'd have friends you didn't recognise. It's okay, sweetheart."

"I'm still sorry," sniffled Alicia.

"I know, Alicia. But it really is all right," said Kate. "Don't think about it anymore, okay? I'm not angry with you at all and as I said, I'm so grateful I got the chance to talk to her again."

Lily stroked Alicia's arm. "I told you Kate would understand," she said without the slightest hint of gloating or exasperation.

"I know. I… I should have known you were right." Alicia wiped her nose. "You usually are after all."

"As it was a prediction rather than certain knowledge, perhaps an element of doubt is only correct," said Lily.

Alicia hiccupped slightly and smiled. "Maybe you're right."

"Lily… usually… right," said Ethan. He looked anxiously at his girlfriend. "And Kate… usually… right."

"Oh, how much do I wish that was true!" said Kate, smiling.

Lily patted Alicia's arm. "I believe tea is appropriate in these circumstances. I will make it. If you permit it, Kate."

"I never mind being waited on hand and foot!" said Kate, who was glad Lily had offered. She still felt a bit wobbly for tea-making and she knew Ethan would be upset if he made the smallest mistake. "That would be lovely, Lily. Thank you."


	55. Chapter 55

**LoveFiction2017** , thank you for all your reviews. I'm really pleased you like the story. It's great to get a new reader after so long. I have to agree about Ethan being a cutie! Kate is very lucky. I do imagine Ethan as being very romantic when he's confident that a girl really does like him back, but it's natural that not everyone will agree with that.

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan** , thank you for your review. I think the police did listen to Kate, but they were a bit distant and not very sympathetic, which made it more difficult for her. I'm glad you think Ethan's starting to get back to his old lovely, kind self.

 **Tanith Panic** , I agree with you about Alicia. She's still a nice, kind girl in this story and I think that can get her into trouble! I think policemen can be like doctors - or anyone else. There will be some who find it easy to show sympathy and support and others who really don't, despite doing their job to a high standard. Thank you for your review.

 **InfinityAndOne** , I'm really glad you like Ethan and Kate's relationship. I got the impression in the episode that she was good at accepting people and seeing the good in them, so I thought she'd understand Ethan's emotions and intentions and just feel happy to be with him. Thank you for your review.

 _Thank you to **LoveFiction2017** **farfarfaraway** for the follow and favourites._

* * *

A few days later, Kate felt sufficiently recovered to hold a small party in her room. She'd been offered the use of the roof, but she knew Ethan wouldn't be comfortable up there and she really wanted Ethan to enjoy the party if that was possible. Cal was obviously invited (Kate would never say it aloud in case she terrified Ethan, but she was really starting to think of Cal as family) and so were Milly, Alicia, Lily, Louise and Robyn.

She was cuddling Ethan when the first person knocked on the door. This was quickly followed by Lily's voice. "Kate, it is Lily and Alicia. May we come in?"

"Of course you can," said Kate. She hadn't told Lily or Alicia that it always worried her when someone knocked on the door as she was afraid of who it might be, but it looked like one of them had guessed.

Lily and Alicia came into the room. Alicia was smiling. Kate was glad to see her looking so much happier. She'd seen Alicia almost every day since Alicia had confessed to being the person who'd told Judy where she was and she hadn't seemed completely herself, but she looked so much more relaxed now as she came towards Kate.

"I have cake!" said Alicia, holding out a tin for Kate to inspect.

Kate looked inside and gasped in delight. "Did you make it, Alicia? Thank you! It looks lovely. It's so sweet of you."

"And I did check with Milly that she wasn't bringing cake," said Alicia. "I'm sure her cakes are much better than mine."

"Milly does make delicious cakes, but if yours is half as good as it looks, you really don't need to worry," said Kate. She held out her arms and gave Alicia a hug. "Thank you. Doesn't it look good, Nibbles?"

Ethan nodded and smiled.

"I got you a card," said Lily, holding it out rather awkwardly.

"Oh, thank you Lily!" said Kate.

She opened it and read _祝你健康，事業，幸福和愛心最好_. Underneath was written: _Wishing you the very best in health, career, happiness and love._

"Thank you, Lily. That's so beautiful. Your words and the Chinese script. It's so kind of you." Kate hugged her too. "You really didn't have to, but you've made me so happy. Isn't that lovely, Nibbles?" She hoped Ethan realised she genuinely wanted to share everything with him and she wasn't just trying to make him react.

Ethan nodded and smiled again.

Louise and Robyn arrived next with a bottle of Shloer from Louise and a cuddly toy from Robyn, which Kate fell in love with instantly. "Look, his eyes are the exact same colour as Ethan's! You're so clever, Robyn." She was equally happy with the Shloer as it looked like champagne and tasted just as good and was compatible with her and Ethan's medications.

Milly made her appearance not long afterwards with a large picnic basket. She spread the blanket out on the floor and started unpacking. "Lots of nibbles to start with –I know you've got your own Nibbles, Kate, but that's the one thing I know you won't share!" She continued to lay the food out on the blanket. Kate could hardly believe she'd gone to so much trouble.

Ethan put his arms around her. "I help… sit," he said.

Kate smiled and let Ethan help her to sit down on the blanket. He kissed her, then got a couple of pillows and propped them up against the bed so she could lean against them.

Ethan sat beside her. "So good… out of bed," he said.

"This one's a keeper," said Louise. "It's not every guy who's this happy when you're not in bed."

"Louise!" said Robyn, though she couldn't quite hide her delight.

Louise looked anxiously at Ethan. "Sorry if I… you know."

"No. Compliment," said Ethan firmly.

"Yes. Definitely a compliment," agreed Kate. "And you're right. He is a keeper."

She only hoped she'd be able to keep him for a long time.

Robyn poured out drinks for everyone. "Shall we start or wait for Cal?"

"It could be a rather long wait," said Lily.

Alicia nodded. "He was in Resus this morning. It's been busy."

Cal had told Kate and Ethan to start without him rather than wait. Punctuality, he'd said, really wasn't one of his top skills, and as he was working, it might not even be his fault if he couldn't get away on time.

"Let's just chat for a while and have a drink and see if Cal shows up," said Kate – and she was glad she'd waited when Cal turned up seven minutes later.

"I'm glad you lot are all here. I wouldn't want to leave Ethan and Kate alone for seven minutes!" said Cal.

Kate looked at Ethan in slight confusion.

"Bad Cal!" said Ethan.

"Very bad Cal," said Cal unrepentantly. "Look at all that food! I'm starving."

They were halfway through the food, all talking happily, when another knock came at the door.

Kate looked at Ethan, wondering who it might be. Perhaps Zoe or Rita – they were both working, but they might have found time to come up and say hello.

"I'll get it," said Cal, managing to knock his glass over in the process.

Alicia grabbed a napkin to mop up after him and poured him some more.

Cal opened the door. "Can I help you?"

"We were wondering if we might have a word with Miss Daniels."

Kate shrank back against Ethan, who put his arms protectively around her.

"We're actually having a bit of a party at the moment," said Cal. "But if it's urgent…"

"Not urgent exactly, but we think Miss Daniels would want to hear what we've got to say."

Kate lifted her head from Ethan's chest. "Who is it, Cal?"

Cal came back into the room, his face unreadable. "It's the police."

* * *

Ethan helped Kate into the chair and took another from Cal, setting it down directly beside hers and putting his arm around her. He didn't know exactly what was going on. He had no idea why the police had dragged Kate out of her party to speak to her (to be fair, everyone else had offered to give them some space, but Kate had insisted that has guests stay where they were). But he knew he wanted to be there. He wanted to help.

"Miss Daniels."

Kate smiled at them. "Please call me Kate."

"Of course, Kate. We don't want to remind you of a distressing time, but we've come by some information which we hope might give you some peace of mind. We understand that the woman who attacked you, your former boss, told you she was in a relationship with your mother."

"That's right," said Kate. "I honestly had no idea. I would never have kept them apart if I'd known."

"You did exactly the right thing. We've been speaking to some of your mother's friends. It seems Judy had a very strong interest in your mother, but your mother didn't reciprocate her feelings. Everyone we spoke to was absolutely certain your mother was not gay. Not that it would have made any difference to them if she was, but she wasn't interested in Judy and any relationship between them seems to have been entirely a figment of Judy's imagination."

"So she lied!" burst out Cal. Ethan squeezed Kate's hand tightly.

"She told Kate something that turned out not to be true," said the policeman. "That's not always the same as a deliberate lie. Judy seems to have talked herself into believing a lot of things. But there was absolutely no evidence to suggest there was anything between her and your mother, Kate – in fact, the evidence we have strongly suggests otherwise. Your mother asked a couple of her friends how to let her down gently and all those who'd met Judy felt that she tried rather too hard to get your mother's attention. So you have nothing to reproach yourself for, Kate. Your instincts were entirely correct. Your mother wouldn't have wanted Judy to see her when she was so ill."

Kate stared at the policeman in disbelief. "Really? Is that really true?"

"It's difficult to be completely sure of anything when we can speak to only one of the people in question and we can't be sure she'll tell the truth, but our information strongly suggests that Judy wasn't telling you the truth and therefore you did the right thing."

"Thank you," said Kate, beginning to cry. "I'm so sorry. I'm all right really. I'm so relieved I didn't do anything terribly wrong… but poor Judy. I can understand it, of course. My mother was beautiful and kind and intelligent and warm and just lovely. I never quite understood why she didn't have a queue of suitors outside her door. But unrequited love is always so hard and it must be horrible for Judy knowing she missed her chance to say goodbye, so I can understand why she was angry with me. Thank you so much for coming to tell me. I'm so relieved and grateful and it does give me peace of mind. It really does."

Ethan hugged her, feeling close to tears too. He wasn't surprised. Kate was so good at understanding people. Of course her instincts had been correct. But he was so glad the information had come to light and that the police had decided to tell Kate.

"You're more than welcome, Kate. Thank you for giving us your time when you're so busy. We'll see ourselves out."

"I'll show you the way," said Cal, and the three of them left the room, leaving Ethan and Kate alone.

Ethan held Kate tightly. There was so much he wanted to say, but he knew he wouldn't be able to say it. He felt so many different things, as he knew did Kate did too. He searched his mind for the most important thing to say. "I love you," he said at last. "I love you."

"I love you too," sobbed Kate.

Ethan stroked her hair. "So proud. Right thing."

"Thank you," said Kate. "I'm sorry, Ethan. I'm sure I'll stop crying in a minute."

"Don't have to," said Ethan. "Not leaving."

He didn't know how, but Kate always understood him.


End file.
